Awful email from my DM

[Toastandstrawberryjam]

I have posted on here a bit before about my marriage and DH moving out. (Can't link on phone - sorry). But basically after 20 years of EA I asked him to leave, divorce is now under way.

From the start my DM was incredibly unsupportive, her first reaction being that it would mess up the seating plan at a family party! Over the last few months she has gone from ignoring me, to telling me I'm overreacting and should have tried to make it work. I told her a few home truths about it all and we settled into a somewhat normal pattern of occasional emails where she just ignored the situation.

She hasn't seen or spoken with my DDs since this all happened.

Anyhow this morning she sends me an email. A long email. It tells me exactly what life on my own will be like. A full detailed awful explanation. The rundown house with no nice furniture. Awful neighbours. DDs going without everything. Never a hope of doing better for myself. Saying goodbye to all the nice things I have.

But not to worry! She has a solution. I need to let DH move back in. We should spend more time together. Have lots more sex. I should stop putting the children first and concentrate on him. It goes on and on and about how great that will be.

She knows that his behaviour was so bad my DDs don't even miss him. In fact they say to me regularly "please don't let daddy come back".

I don't know how to reply to her. I'm utterly broken by this. I never expected support from her, but this is absolutely vile.

keep the people who understand you, & who do not question validity of NC with the toxic people around you.
You don't choose your family, Sadly; but you can choose your friends.
Detach, Detach, the goal is indifference. They can only hurt you if you care.

You're doing what your mother was too afraid and messed up to do although you'd never get her to admit it because she probably couldn't live with herself if she did - she's watching her daughter have a life of her own and all she can do is try to tear you down and make you prove her way was the right way, the only way. (And she wasn't hugely legally liable for neglect and complicity in abuse of a minor, oh no. These days she'd be facing a child protection order and court.) She's onto a lost cause isn't she? You're not someone who takes this kind of shit, witness your now ex.

Of course ex is lapping this up, but he's balls deep in his own problems if I recall your previous threads, let two abusers have fun entertaining each other and surround yourself with healthy, positive people who make you feel good and appreciate the immense strength of character you have. Don't give the life sucking ones any more of your time and energy, what is the point?

My narc GM had form for demanding full family occasion meals with everyone there in order no matter what, including separated couples and non speaking relatives. It would be a miserable occasion for everyone but her who was glittering with smugness at her power to force everyone to bend to her will. The more against their will the better, that gave her the bigger buzz. Rows, tears, fights, distress, she didn't give a damn. It was about winning. Your dm sounds cut from the same cloth.

I think if she carries on rambling and trying to sweep this shit under the carpet, sending a short sharp response right between the eyes may be the way forward.

Ok it would END contact, but tbh, that's a good thing. anyone who thinks your Ex or your DM are even a whisker of OK, are NOT to be allowed near you or your DC. Cut ties with the lot of them.

I think I would compose an email to acknowledge hers, bringing up how unwelcome her 'advice' was and that she was not in a position to advise when she herself had not only enabled and allowed your abuse by her H, but that her betrayal of you in supporting just about anyone who would hurt/abuse/damage you and/or your children is something that you will never forget, nor forgive. I'd agree with the point too that in this day and age, she'd stand trial for what she did to a child.

Tell her that she is welcome to your ExH, as she and he are just as abusive as one another and make a lovely pair.

Write the email and then think about it. You don't have to send it, but you have to think it!

That's a really good idea Hissy.

to be honest I expect I will hear nothing from her now until my birthday. Her email wasn't a genuine "how are you" it was just checking I'm still there.

I expect my birthday email will be a really full on one. Obviously it will be prettied up into how much she cares for me. I'm sure she will put something about my age too.

I plan to reply (if I do reply!) by saying how much I'm looking forward to finding someone new and having more children. She was HORRIFIED when I got pg with #3.actually told me I should have gotten sterilised after 2nd DD like she told me to!! It will blow her mind if I tell her I'm going to have more at my age, especially as I'm doing such a terrible job with the ones I have!

(Please note I do not plan on having any more DC ever!!)

You're an evil woman, Toast. And I mean that as a compliment :)

Just going through a similar situation with my DM.
She insulted me and when I confronted her she said she does not remember saying these words.
I told her would break contact with her if this happens again.
It was hard for me to realise that whatever I would do I would never gain her approval.
I am wondering if I will only find peace when she is out of my life.
If you haven't yet look at the reading list on the thread 'but I took you to the stately homes' a big light bulb for me.
There is nothing helpful or supportive in her attitude, just damaging stuff. You are doing the right thing...

"Just because you say that you don't remember,
Doesn't mean that it didn't happen."

Say it, then say it again.

Best wishes toast & moifem

And she's back........

Hi Toast
Just wanted to let you know that there will be a parcel for your birthday arriving early next week. I wanted to be sure you got it in time! Hope you have a lovely weekend.

Great, so a gift I won't want. Plus the joy of having to drive to the post office to collect it. And will have to thank her too. And a lovely weekend? Oh yes it's joyous handing my DDs over to him and not knowing what the hell to do with my time :(

dont be in. Don't pick it up from the depot. After three weeks it'll get sent back.

If you wish LC, then say "thanks".

if you wish NC then simply do not acknowledge.

It may be better to go LC for one reason: so that you hear what happens with your children when they are with your ex.

I do think you need to detach from her though. She is only going to be happy if she can drag you down to her doormat level and either turn on you to let her anger out, or join with you in being a bitter, twisted but adoring sister against the Male Species.

When is the big day?

Don't collect her gift. To do so normalises everything. That's what she is doing.

Don't collect the parcel. I put my house on the fact that she will have written a letter on the card or something.

Leave it there, refuse it if postie trys to deliver it.

The abuse ends here.

Does he have them every w/e?. If so, that needs to be rectified.

re parcel. You knew that was coming, don't let it bother you. You haven't told her you want NC, The main thing to avoid is actually speaking to her, either by phone or in her presence. & opening her emails, It is the easiest way to avoid pain from her.
Re parcel if you decide going NC is the way to go, you have to tell her & then refuse parcel/calls/mails/meetings/Xmas gathering/family summons etc.
I understand you don't want to feel "in the wrong", it is all part of her manipulating work on you since you were a child.

Toast

You really do need to block her e-mails coming into your inbox; its just another way of her manipulating you.

You do not have to go to the PO you know nor thank her; that is all part of the overall conditioning she has done on you. Infact don't collect the parcel from the PO, you do not want her so called gift anyway. Such an item from a person like your mother is never sent without its own obligation and guilt attached to it.

I would certainly agree with Mix's comment:-
I understand you don't want to feel "in the wrong", it is all part of her manipulating work on you since you were a child

Yes that feeling of being in the wrong is massive and all encompassing at the moment.

Saw an old friend last night and told her and she was she just kept saying "but she's your mother" in a shocked way. Her parents are lovely and I think it's hard for anybody with normal parents to understand.

Yes he sees them every weekend. He's played a blinder this week too as somehow he's got them the whole of two weekends in a row. Either side of my birthday. Coincidence? I think not. And has arranged things they are looking forward to so it would be churlish to cancel.

Toast My first post on this thread, but I just wanted to reiterate what everyone else is saying, in that, you are AMAZING. Please don't forget that. It is them that are in the wrong, completely, utterly and you will be absolutely fine and dandy without them.

I do understand about your mother. I have an incredibly difficult relationship with mine (similar in that she facilitated abuse when my sister and I were young). It's tricky for me to go NC as DS has a good relationship with her. But she tries to manipulate me (and fails, doesn't stop her) by sticking her nose in at every opportunity, offering completely inappropriate, unsolicited advice and throwing a strop when it's rebutted. It can be exhausting. But I've long since reconciled that I need NOTHING from her. Have managed to become a fully fledged adult all on my own.

As have you. And you're a level headed one at that. Stick to those guns. Play games with her if it helps (I do, gives me satisfaction even if it's petty, I care not).

x

Ah yes, the "but she's your mother" people .... those who have nice families don't get it and it puts you on the outside when your family isn't nice.

Your friend meant well but please do ignore her in this matter.

About your ex arranging things that they are looking forward to - put your foot down. If it's your birthday it's right that they spend some time with you.

"I'm sorry about cancelling the cinema but it's important for family to be together on a birthday, Daddy must have forgotten the date". You're going to have to be prepared to be the bad guy now and then until your ex discovers that you can't be manipulated. Or you'll just be putting in his hands and he'll carry right on abusing you and the children. Manipulating them so they miss their mother's birthday is bloody unkind.

Meerka - the friend might have been expressing shock that any mother could behave that way to her own child, not trying to stop the OP going NC or anything. YOu can't tell from what Toast has said.

Yes sorry, it was more in a shock way that she could do that. Not disbelieving.

People with normal parents can never really get this.

My own sister could not comprehend the things I told her that dm had done to my son.

Right toast!

As of this moment you are NOT going to put up with this shot any more, 'Kay?

You can't do anything about this year, but when you get the dc back this weekend you tell exh that regardless of anything, you will have your children on one of the weekends before or after your birthday, and that regardless of what he wants to do to saboutage that, you will make it clear that you won't allow it.

Tell him you will afford him the same courtesy, but it will be EOW like everyone else, and he can organise a day or 2in the week if convenient and conducive to school/homework etc.

Inform him that you may have been seen as some kind of sap by your family and by him, but that's stopped now.

It's not for discussion, either, you'll not allow him to ruin your life any more than he already did, and if he wants an easy life for the sake of the children, it's in helps best interests to listen and agree.

Shit not shot

His best interest grr

oh sorry! i misunderstood