Awful email from my DM

[Toastandstrawberryjam]

I have posted on here a bit before about my marriage and DH moving out. (Can't link on phone - sorry). But basically after 20 years of EA I asked him to leave, divorce is now under way.

From the start my DM was incredibly unsupportive, her first reaction being that it would mess up the seating plan at a family party! Over the last few months she has gone from ignoring me, to telling me I'm overreacting and should have tried to make it work. I told her a few home truths about it all and we settled into a somewhat normal pattern of occasional emails where she just ignored the situation.

She hasn't seen or spoken with my DDs since this all happened.

Anyhow this morning she sends me an email. A long email. It tells me exactly what life on my own will be like. A full detailed awful explanation. The rundown house with no nice furniture. Awful neighbours. DDs going without everything. Never a hope of doing better for myself. Saying goodbye to all the nice things I have.

But not to worry! She has a solution. I need to let DH move back in. We should spend more time together. Have lots more sex. I should stop putting the children first and concentrate on him. It goes on and on and about how great that will be.

She knows that his behaviour was so bad my DDs don't even miss him. In fact they say to me regularly "please don't let daddy come back".

I don't know how to reply to her. I'm utterly broken by this. I never expected support from her, but this is absolutely vile.

Update

Today's email

Hi toast

Was wondering if you would let me collect girls on Saturday and take them to the family lunch. It seems such a shame that they are having to miss out on seeing everybody! And of course if you change your mind and decide to come as well nobody will comment on that or mention anything you don't want them to. After all it is your birthday lunch.

I'm beginning to think she is insane. So they are having my birthday lunch without me there?? WTF?

Your birthday family lunch - the one that you've only just had a half-arsed (even if you could call it that) invite to?

If there was any doubt (which there wasn't, btw) that she's totally, bewilderingly in the wrong - I think she's stamped on it.

Jeez - she really organised a family meal for YOUR birthday and invited your stupid ex but NOT you?

It's not your birthday lunch is it!
She's trying to provoke a reaction by suggesting that, "everyone," else will be there & that she'll take your dds too, on your birthday. Like that's going to happen!
Use your ignoring muscle.
She has no power over you or your dds.
The, "after all it is your birthday lunch," is goady. Don´t rise to it.
Laugh, ignore, forget it, go out with dds for lunch yourself.
She'll soon get bored.

"what birthday lunch would that be? One I'm not invited to? No you can't have the children".

toast I think you need to put her emails in a separate folder and only read them at YOUR convenience, or not at all.

I've been invited, it was the one I told her I wouldn't go to if she couldn't stop being negative towards me. She said she would just send me my card then.

I didn't realise she would carry on and invite everyone!! Will they have cake and candles do you think?? A cardboard cut out of me?

The DDs actually are busy that day at their hobby. DH has them all weekend. I told them about the email this morning, they laughed a lot and all think she is crazy.

And I wouldn't go if she paid me.

good :)

then honestly, put her emails in a separate folder. Do you have a good and trusted friend who could vet them first? it's a difficult thing to ask of someone but a trusted friend would be very helpful.

At a guess your mother will use 'your' party as a reason to sigh woefully over how misguided you are and how much she loves you, or else bitch about you. (though is it possible 'family lunch' means her and your ex? given her views, this is maybe her way of setting you up to get back together )

Oh I imagine they will all sigh and complain about how unreasonable I'm being. It does actually make me feel quite sick to think of that. My brother and family will be there and my grandparents. Ex def won't as he will be at hobby weekend with DDs and I know they are def going to that.

It's laughable but in some ways bloody cruel that they will all refuse to support me but celebrate in that way.

Your mother is fucking barking. I'm sorry, I know it must be horrible for you, but she is just plain barking. The less in the way of actual sanity you expect from her, the happier you will be - truthfully.

where did your mother get her extraordinary ideas about men from? her parents, or is is a Toast'sMumSpecialOriginal?

Oh Toast have just read your whole thread.

You are one amazing lady. You have survived so much and you will bring up your 2 daughters to be strong and loving young women, who can learn from you and break the pattern.

I agree that your family seem incredibly cruel to celebrate without you. As others have pointed out, your mum has kept up the illusion of being happy by playing happy families for so long that she probably can't see any other way to be now.

How about a short reply. Thank you for the invitation. The dds will be doing their hobby and I will be celebrating my birthday for the first time since dad died, without being afraid of the man at the table. I intend to be very happy this year and not to spend it pretending that the evil of the past did not happen. Enjoy your lunch.

(When you get the chance, do tell your db what happened. If he choses to join your mum and ignore it, so be it. That will be his choice. The less pretending you do from now on, the better.)

You really need to stop engaging. I know it's incredibly difficult but you're allowing her to normalise your toxic relationship.

Ignore!

stupid woman !!!! (yr mother !)

Reading the thread I looked up your previous posts, my goodness what is that woman like. Now trying to use your birthday as an opportunity to boss you about.

I can see she doesn't like it one little bit that you are exercising the right to call time on the marriage. She probably presents her stance to your DB and STBXH as a kind of intervention - "Mother knows best". Appalling given the history between you.

Your mother was quite adamant she wouldn't attend your DD's birthday party last December wasn't she - so has no problem turning down invitations when it suits her.

Ignore whatever she's sent you, let it languish at the sorting office. Let her host a ridiculous get together. She's hoping you'll cave in. Deluded!

For whatever day you celebrate your birthday and you and your girls are a strong family unit together.

I'd go with "Stop engaging" as well at this point.

I sent a reply just saying the girls were busy with their hobby and I have other plans but I hope they all have a nice lunch.

She's replied back but I deleted it without reading it.

I'm still expecting a real doozy of an email tomorrow.

Just ignore it if it turns up.
Unless you want to post it here of course
But if it's going to make you feel bad (and it doesn't have to) then ignore it, delete it.

I wouldn't have replied, she is goading you.
However had I replied, I would have written,
"As previously advised, my family & I are not likely at any future occasion to be present." & why gathering for a birthday meal without the birthday person concerned is a fucking mystery to me

I'm actually wondering if she EXPECTS me not to go and if I should turn up bright and breezy and talk about how excited I am about my new life.

Replying to such people like your mother simply invites a further shower of bile in your direction.

You really do need to block her incoming emails via your email provider.

Its really no point in engaging at all with such a person because the only point of view that matters is their own. Also people like your mother actively want a reply because they know then that they have got you. They can then bother you even more!. Which is precisely what has happened here.

Cut the rope, do not at all engage any further with your mother. She cannot do anything if you do not respond.

Toast, don't go to prove a point! That's the thing, you have nothing to prove. You are a grown woman, a capable mother with a remarkably healthy outlook on life especially considering your experiences who has THE RIGHT to live as you see fit with our deferring to anyone - least of all a woman who is clearly deranged.

You need RL life support, maybe some therapy (not meant in any way but a supportive one) to face up to the fact that biology or no, these are not people you need in your life. You don't need them. They are mean, they are abusive and they are a bit mental and add NO VALUE to your existence. My advice is to change your email address, get whatever support you need to do it and cut them the fuck loose.

I agree that you will benefit from therapy.

It's extremely difficult to break free from toxic people, it's difficult to want to.

haha, do you think she will call to see why you are late ???
JUST LAUGH & hang up.
as for daughters snorting with derision at the birthday gathering..
THEY UNDERSTAND.... believe in yourself, believe in them.
Onwards & Upwards :o)

Toast, it's occurred to me that she is probably over-invested in your 'birthday' lunch because it's a significant date, and if you actively avoid seeing your 'husband' and family on a significant date then it implies that you are definitely a) serious about separating and b) not about to pretend that everything is fine. She probably can't cope with that idea - expect a major backlash after the lunch non-event.

To the very lovely person on here who sent me a birthday card (you know who you are!!) thank you very very much!!!

All Ive heard from mum today is a text wishing me happy birthday. All quiet other than that.