HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 6.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

I've also learnt there's actually a helluva lot of studies into 'delayed shock', which occurs around about months 4 - 6 after the trauma. So if you're surrounded by people (or indeed yourself!) expecting you to be 'getting over it by now', and you're feeling worse than ever...then this is why this thread began. You're pretty normal - it's just the 'real world' ain't dealing with this shit.

And if you're one of those for whom the profound shock has just registered on the Richter scale: it's horrendous. You too belong here.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on (KOKO) and when you feel you can't: that's okay too. Try again tomorrow.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

As for some glossary terms:

Jess is our dog, also owned by Hobbit, but here by popular demand. She perseveres with us all needing a daily dosage of her. Hobbit being the fabulous woman she is makes sure we are taken care of.

Izzitinis are a revolting drink. Izzie is gorgeous and inspirational but misguided in the world of bar cocktails.

No. 6's is what we are/were married to. Check out an earlier thread for what we actually call them.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just shy of 12 months ago. He planned it, I was blindsided. Throughout my horrendous divorce, I learnt that our individual situations are always different, our feelings are the pretty much the same - although not necessarily the same at any given moment in time. THIS SHIT IS HARD with moments of light relief.

And our feelings are valid. Equally.

Our values, our opinions, ourselves matter. As well. No matter what they say.

I am trying to rebuild my life. I'm leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then I KOKO.

The previous thread is this one:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2352545-HOBBITS-BAR-still-finding-it-hard-to-move-on-part-5?msgid=53939716

If you wish to follow from the start, then click on the link above and find all previous links there.

And when times get hard, or you need some motivation, then this song sums it up.

According I have to laugh. It's definitely a case of "I'll get my coat" from you.

izzie I am desperately searching for something uplifting...shhh don't tell anyone!

(I am such a sad old rock chick in reality, have been lost in music and cannot find anything to remedy my sad music-ness)

where is my fucking coat?

According you won't like this one, it's so corny and cliche. But it's uplifting all the same.

And it's all about us!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4szP49_HKE

Izzie I can totally understand what you did. I've just done the same myself in the last hour. My wedding Anniversary is on the 11th so quickly approaching and I'm dreading it. Although I know in my heart now that even if he wanted to come back I wouldn't have him, it still gets to us. It was such a large chunk of our lives... Jesus, we gave birth to their children and thought we'd grow old together. I just can't figure out how they seemingly just leave and don't look back. My dad had a row with me earlier because I wasn't coping and he said he didn't want to hear any more, but really that was out of worry with my Mum being ill. I got a nasty email back after sending questions regarding a few things ( nothing emotional, purely logistics) and I broke down. I was going to collect dd friend ( as fuckwit is out on the piss tonight and not seeing her). Unfortunately I got to dds friend's house and broke down again with her Mum, who similarly is separated so was more than understanding.
So the email, trying to outsmart him doesn't work as he comes back harder and the cycle continues so that is why, like yourself, I got it into words but just saved to draft. I'm thinking just ignoring his controlling email for at least one night is best.
I wish I had more words of wisdom for you but unfortunately what's that saying about wrestling with a pig... It just gets you muddy ? Something like that.... But surely one of these days we'll waken up and our first thoughts won't be of them

Hello according , I actually love that song! , you can keep your coat in the bar cloakroom a bit longer

I also love that song izzbob , we ran the race for life last year,
< well half ran half walked> and that song reminds me of that, cause they play it before you start.

I am stepping back a bit from the bar, as izzie kindly posted, it's all coming to crunch time for me at the moment and my anxiety is ramping up again. Had a few tears the last few days, having to sell the house playing on my mind, and worrying if I will be able to manage financially.
I keep waiting for him to step up and be the man I thought he was, to provide for his son and not to put me through all this stress, seems like I'm destined to be disappointed.

It's also this time last year that I realised that this woman was becoming a threat to my marriage, the constant denials and gaslighting, saying I was paranoid, and swearing on the children's lives that he wasn't unfaithful, seeing other posters pain and distress has brought it all back to haunt me again, and I can't go back there, when I have to be strong in getting the best settlement I can. He kept me in that state of anxiety and stress for 6 months before finally admitting he was leaving me for her, and by that time I was a shell of my former self.

BUT, I will still read, and post occasionally, and of course will update you from Hobbitland when I have news to impart.

KOKO all you lovely ladies, love and strength, xx

Hobbit Best of luck xx

Hobbit entirely understandable, my love. You focus on what is right for you. Xx

Hobbit thanks and wishing you all the best . I will add you to my prayers tonight x

Izzie :)

This is my uplifting song, sorry for the delay. My oldest has her Uni friend visiting for the weekend and she arrived a while back..

Hobbit Yay .. thank you :)

I just wanted to say, I'm so so sorry for reigniting such painful memories for so many of you that have come so far, I never really have posted on a forum, and when someone suggested mumsnet I had a look, I have no idea why ( maybe the title) but I read all 4 threads and was drawn to you all, as sensible women who I could get help and inspiration from, I just feel really bad that I may have made an inspirational and uplifting thread, all doom and gloom and set you back with shitty memories, ones you will Definately be happy to forget, you are amazing ladies, all of you, and I would be a very lucky lady to be acquainted with anyone of you on a forum or in RL, sorry to be vomit inducing but reading back I feal really terrible for dredging up stuff best buried for you all, love to you all xxx

It's because we all have been through this shit that we want to support, help, be a listening ear. As well as rant, rave, swear, sob. This thread is for you, Frizzy, just as much as for anyone else. So put down that guilt, now.

We're all going through this process, riding the roller coaster. Here, we understand each other, none of this " Can't blame the OW" crap on this thread. It's very cathartic to express our pain and anger in a safe place.

Evening all.
izzie a tricky weekend for you but you're hanging on in there by the sounds of it.

hobbit of all our husbands I think perhaps yours must be the craziest! It seems to me that he has lost someone filled with humanity and humility and with a cracking sense of humour. Look after yourself.

cassa you have done so well so far. I think your children are quite young still? Although I'm beginning to resent the years I've wasted with HRT, I'm relieved my DC are older. I've no words of advice that you don't already know. Time and detachment are the keys I guess.

This is so hard, feeling down - goodness knows why - he's such a tosser. I feel for my DS tonight. HRT has been away most of week and was home for half an hour before he headed out again for some beers with a couple of mates. He barely spoke to DC. It's like him leaving me means he has 'to leave' him as well. He was better with them when they were little - as adults and near adults he's less tolerant- they have opinions that don't necessarily match his - shock horror!!

DS2 sensed atmosphere tonight and said he'd support me if I had to make 'a difficult decision'. I was stunned. Lied and said it was nothing for him to worry about. He is a dear boy. How cld such a tosser have such lovely children? I think I've asked that before but it's still a wonder to me.

Although I feel fed up tonight, it's nothing to the despair I felt a few months ago. All I can say to newer ladies is hang on in there and KOKO x

frizzy I'd like to echo what Roz just said.x

Ali the post I was talking about was going to be a post for the thread. It started with my thoughts, then ended up being directly addressed to him. You know, I didn't even consider texting or emailing any of it to him. Posting it on here would have got a response from someone. Sending it to him would have been like being stonewalled again. A total waste of time and energy. I so desperately want to move away from all of this, to just get on with my life without the ghosts of the past being part of my present. I hate the fact that I'm unable to stop reflecting on it all tonight. I didn't post it on here because I decided this is about me now, I don't want him to be part of this thread really. I think it helped me to get it all out though. Fucking hell, though, i can analyse, talk etc to death, but 6 months later! Oh just shoot me, I will drive myself to distraction!

Ali I digress. I totally agree with you about the non contact unless absolutely necessary. Was it yesterday that I posted something that Fontella had said about this? Yesterday or the day before. Her name would have been in bold on my post. Will look back later. I only display a certain number of posts on here. I tried having it showing all the posts in the thread but found it mostly inconvenient. Anyway, however reasonable we are, they will often be total twunts. The way I look at that now, looking back, is that it has allowed me to emotionally distance myself even further. For me so much of the emotional distancing has been about how he has acted since he left.

according rock chick. Abba! Aw bless, it's a lovely song. You know how people now think it's cool,or whatever to like Abba? Well I have to say that as a 54 year old, being around Abba the first time, it was absolutely the most guilty secret to like any of their songs. We all had a few of their records, but to actually buy them in a shop, well going up to the counter was probably the teenage male equivalent of buying condoms.

Green haven't forgotten about replying! the Izmobile can do that. Izzie needs to mentally prepare for the drive. And then I have to face you

I fell asleep in the bath again, then afterwards spent 10 minutes trying to find my glasses. Drives me insane. I'm so bloody tired. I was falling asleep in work again today, I seem to have an absent type moment every day there if the adrenaline isn't needed. This is the legacy of the last 6 months, and possibly from further back. That took its toll too. It shouldn't have been like this. I refuse to take the blame for pushing myself to do certain things. I had no choice. And it's the same for all of us really. Whether having to deal with young children by ourselves, dealing with legal fuckshit, financial nightmares, it's all been on top of the emotional fallout, which in itself is.....Well, if ever proof were needed that we are the stronger sex, try asking a separated woman!

I'm very sad about Hobbit not being on here for a while. It's really knocked me back tonight.

A close friend of mine, my closest confidante throughout my shit, my absolute rock......her ex died suddenly last weekend. It's a long and complicated situation that I don't want to post out of respect for her. But it's thrown up all sorts of emotions for her after 10 years. One of the things she said is that it feels like he has left her all over again. That's been on my mind this week. I've been supporting her, but it's also taken me back to her early separation days. I didn't know her then, but she's talked enough about it over the years for me to feel like I was living it with her.

Roll on the future, away from all of this introspection.

Ps liking the music. We haven't had any in a while. I bought the First Aid Kit album with our theme tune on
and play it in the car. I heard an interview with them on radio 2 last week as well. It's a great album.

I'm sleeping in a strange place tonight. I mean away from home. Nobody knows where I am and that feels lonely. Nobody even wonders. DS knows what town I am in I guess.

It's a week since I was getting into bed with DP for the last time, and only for a few short hours, til I ran.

I want him back and it's killing me. Thoughts today of how I would like to not exist any more. The struggle is too much.

Frizzy I've just read your post. This is an open thread, we agreed that. You have joined the thread maybe 6 months from the start of it, so it's still relatively early days for a number of us. Not as early as you, obviously. And it so happens that a lot of us are hitting anniversaries. Wedding season and all that. Don't apologise. Sometimes a post will inspire us to think, yes I can help there. Sometimes the same post will coincide with some of our own naval gazing. That's life. One of the rules I'm putting up on the new thread, which is probably an unspoken one, is that none of us are obliged to answer any posts. I have ignored some posts at times because I couldn't deal with it. But every time, someone else steps up to support. So it's like having loads of good friends on here. When one isn't up to it, no worries, another is there. I've read some of the Ophelia Rose thread, Christ! I haven't been able to post on that because I find it too much. There are loads of people supporting her though, so I don't feel bad about it, even though I know I could say lots. So frizzy you stay with us. As Roz said! we say what we think on here. You belong. If, however, you decide to offer tea, biscuits and sympathy to OWs, then you can fuck the fuck off, of course.

cutted a week is no time - although it feels like a lifetime I'm sure. I remember thinking it would be easier to not be here when I was at my lowest in those very early days after the 'announcement'. I feel very differently now. My children still need me. Yours still need you. My life is most definitely worth living as most definitely is yours. Everyone here wants to offer you support of course but if you feel you need more than this please please reach out for it. Are you travelling with work or just a break?

izzie who is Ophelia Rose??

cutted please post again or I'll have no sleep instead of very little x

cutted absolutely agree with 1. Also, from someone who hasn't had trouble sleeping throughout all of this.....if you are able to sleep, take full advantage of it. Your body will need it anyway, and it's just a way of making that time go.

1 I've posted a link to her second thread. She's now on her third. Found out about affair, husband left. All this in less than 3 weeks.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2362117-Affair-not-sure-how-to-cope-part-2

Hope everyone has a good nights sleep x

Izzie driving ourselves to distraction that's it in a nutshell. While we are busy fighting to keep on going what are they doing ? Not giving a shit is what. Earlier when I was having my meltdown, even when dd asked what was wrong I just said that unfortunately it was nothing I could share with her. I refuse to become like him or them, just thinking of themselves. I wish you had posted your thoughts, it could have been very cathartic for you and I'm sure full of emotion that we would all identify with. You are one of ( and there are a little merry band of selfless ladies here) the most inspirational and supportive person on here. You each have different roles ( hobbit our resident comedian and backbone, bobs with her sound advice and the others, they know who they are who just make me pee myself laughing sometimes) and qualities and again can only say that these men are the biggest losers. One of my favourites although I can't remember who said it was about wanting to rip his head off and shit down his neck !!! I love the fight we can still have despite what we are going through. We are survivors and they are just leeches.
I overheard dd telling her bf when asked earlier if she was seeing her dad tonight that no, he was going out for a few pints with his best mate/enabler/ landlord and fellow parasite. I just thought to myself how can he be happy living like that ? No home, in debt and sitting like some sad sack of shit in a bar looking like 2 desperate middle aged men ... Answers on s postcard as I have no clue
Anyway I'm not really making sense now and I've got to go take dds friend home.

Just skimmed through today's threads. to all those feeling crap today, or if that works better.

With all the shit everyone is facing, and with what everyone is posting, it can bring back memories/introspection of the past, which can be painful. Also milestones can be trick to get through. This does not mean anyone should stop posting. However it can also lead to over-thinking and sometimes it is good to take a step back and a few good deep breaths. Chocolate also helps

Izzie "I also want to be a person in my own right, rather than a separated woman, if you know what I mean. Not in this limbo state. Ah fuck dating for now. Maybe for forever."

Totally agree - except for the last sentence. I live in hope