HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 6.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

I've also learnt there's actually a helluva lot of studies into 'delayed shock', which occurs around about months 4 - 6 after the trauma. So if you're surrounded by people (or indeed yourself!) expecting you to be 'getting over it by now', and you're feeling worse than ever...then this is why this thread began. You're pretty normal - it's just the 'real world' ain't dealing with this shit.

And if you're one of those for whom the profound shock has just registered on the Richter scale: it's horrendous. You too belong here.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on (KOKO) and when you feel you can't: that's okay too. Try again tomorrow.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

As for some glossary terms:

Jess is our dog, also owned by Hobbit, but here by popular demand. She perseveres with us all needing a daily dosage of her. Hobbit being the fabulous woman she is makes sure we are taken care of.

Izzitinis are a revolting drink. Izzie is gorgeous and inspirational but misguided in the world of bar cocktails.

No. 6's is what we are/were married to. Check out an earlier thread for what we actually call them.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just shy of 12 months ago. He planned it, I was blindsided. Throughout my horrendous divorce, I learnt that our individual situations are always different, our feelings are the pretty much the same - although not necessarily the same at any given moment in time. THIS SHIT IS HARD with moments of light relief.

And our feelings are valid. Equally.

Our values, our opinions, ourselves matter. As well. No matter what they say.

I am trying to rebuild my life. I'm leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then I KOKO.

The previous thread is this one:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2352545-HOBBITS-BAR-still-finding-it-hard-to-move-on-part-5?msgid=53939716

If you wish to follow from the start, then click on the link above and find all previous links there.

And when times get hard, or you need some motivation, then this song sums it up.

Perhaps I could extend the range!

Izzie I am crying with laughter! However, I'm with you on that! And I'm no pervert either!

And yes my exclamations were chosen by me!

!!!!

And your IT skills are coming along marvellously!

WWK I love the off the wall chats at this time of night!
well come on then! what do you have in mind? Actually you could do a little doggie for Jess

Paddling wanted to send you a virtual hug and some . I have been through it and i wouldn't inflict it on my worst enemy. Actually....

Seriously though. They will never replace us as our kids' Mummy. She is a novelty that will soon wear off. And I'm sure our children will have the same effect on her. I can't imagine dealing with a newborn and two young children - good luck with that. As well as children entertainers, I like to think of them as free babysitters. Hee hee. You've got to laugh because you'd cry otherwise and laughing is much better for you.

Why hugs to you too. A few of your posts rang so true with me today. Remember those negative things when you think everything's wonderful with them - they won't magically change. My ex was very rude towards my family in the end and I used to be on edge at family events because of what he might say or do. Whereas now I have no one else to worry about but myself. Here's another one for you just in case it's the same - he would be late for everything. I would spend my mornings rushing about getting the kids ready and he would have a really long shower or do some ridiculous exercise or make an elaborate breakfast. I actually leave earlier now that I'm on my own. What a useless twunt he was.

Izzie am loving your posts.

Green keep the positivity coming!

WWK without sounding like a weird stalker I have thought of you recently. Things have cooled down with the divorce for me (temporarily) and I have felt at a bit of a loss and it made me worry for you. To go through what you went through to nothing must be daunting and a massive adjustment to make. I hope you are coping ok, you always give such brilliant advice but I hope you know we all care about you too.

Ok soppy post over.

Hugs to everyone else.

family...we love soppy posts here so no probs. Hugs right back at you.

he would be late for everything. I would spend my mornings rushing about getting the kids ready and he would have a really long shower or do some ridiculous exercise or make an elaborate breakfast

OMG. Yep he did that too.

I can see a whole new market for my dolls...the Jess fan club with captions as well.

paddling I have a step daughter. I met my h when she was 3 and ( long story short, he was 16 at school and she was 27 ! Youth leader ) just wanted to clarify I didn't steal him away lol. Anyhow what I want to say is that in all the time I was with sd I never ever thought of her as anything other than my h daughter. We had a good relationship but I was just there, say like a friend and one thing I never ever did was bad mouth her mother ( not in front of her but yes lots behind her back ). To be honest it just isn't like what you might imagine, unless the ow is a sicko. And yes there were plenty of times she wound me up over stuff but I wasn't her Mother so never acted like it or disciplined her. I left that to h. All irrelevant now of course but I understand how you must feel. She's just a shiny new toy to them and trust me, it does not stay like that. So don't worry. You are their Mum and should feel secure because she's nothing to them really. But huge hugs anyway xxx

There are so many posts tonight and I'm exhausted without s full night sleep since h left.
So the texting thing, him being nice and the whole cycle started again. He phoned me, texted me last night about finances and today asking if he could sell the car ( his car he left me ) and finally offered me half. However, I have so many things I need him to deal with I sent him a txt about meeting somewhere public just to go over stuff, like rota for school lifts, dates he'll be out of the country and a lot of sensible questions that he could answer without running up huge solicitors bills. But of course. No reply, then j passed him ( driving my fucking car ) on the phone laughing with someone. I was so cross... And just realised, he is just playing me and I need to get to a point where he can't get at me any more. I got home from visiting my mum in hospital and he was in my house again, eating my food and messing up the kitchen again ! Dd back in bad form. He fucking had the cheek after not replying to send me another text telling me how to deal with my daughter ! Fuck you and your ruining mine and my dc world.
So I txted him. Knowing I wouldn't get nice h just dick h, despite a reasonable request. Said again about things that needed sorted and if he wasn't prepared to be adult and meet me then him selling the car had to be agreed up front and money lodged with solicitors ... . And I'd write the questions down and put them all through the solicitors. Soooo of course Mr Nasty showed up and said that he wouldn't be wasting his money answering questions through solicitors but if I texted he'd answer ( no thank you dickhead, not giving you control back ) . Then he says that 'and by the way I have made it clear to my solicitor that I will not be responsible for any of your legal bill at the end of this... Not happening'
So that's when I decided no, no more because he just will never try to stop controlling me. So I'm damn well going to put a huge list of questions through solicitors and he can go fuck himself.... Surely if he fails to respond a magistrate will make him ? I know very little but I do know come the end of these proceedings I will be bankrupt anyway so I fail to see how he can make demands.
Could I ask though ( and I'm sorry this is So long ) I have to do a list of all my outgoings and income for my solicitor. I can think of obvious things but I know there are lots of extras that I think go under 'other' . This is just to see if he is paying enough maintenance atm.
As I am registered disabled. Do I put stuff that I'll need to pay for now, like maintenance to the house, grass cutting service, electrics problem there for a year he didn't fix? I also can't decide whether to go for child support through csa, I know he'd fracture and says he's taking dd but surely he owes me something ?
If anyone would mind pm ing me if love to get an idea what s reasonable amount usually is for maintenance.
But the big thing is I need to not contact him to take away control from him... Such a tiring day . I feel so lonely and don't have a lot of close friends ( as dickhead controller didn't like my friends and I became a hermit ) all I want is a few glasses of wine in a quietist bar

ali...you're doing all the things that I did. Sending emails requests, expecting replies, getting nothing back...and going round again...it appears to be a game to them

The weasel told me that if I sent to a solicitor he would make me sell the house. Yep a tick in the great dad box - make the children homeless.

And now I've got to go to court on the financials because of the weasels conduct so far. As for the lists of outgoings etc...I've got to do that on my Form E for court.

I have made lots of friends since the weasel went and you will to. I've pushed myself into going out and accepting any invitation that comes my way.

You could try the meet up.com. Others on here have tried that.

Ali I can't personally advise but a number of others on here can. Meantime, go to wikivorce.com and do the calculator. That would give you some idea of how it all works. You just need to register. Very simple and I've not had any emails from them. And you can do the calculator time and time again, tweaking the figures.

People to advise you would be bobs and WWK amongst others

Didn't I also read that MN do meeting up things too? So presumably just local mums. Look at their home page

In short, ali yes, you need to account for 'spares and repairs'.

Paddling sorry sweetheart that must be really hard for you. You are their mum and no-one will ever come close to that. Your ex and OW will probably be pulling all the stops out to show your children what a great time they will have when they see them but it won't stay that way.

Sex and a blow up Poldark on a horse! What have I missed! WhyMe can I out my order in now please. I can't even imagine kissing anyone again let alone having sex with anyone again. It's about 30 years since I was intimate with anyone other than Sid! I don't miss it in the slightest although I miss the closeness of being in a relationship with someone. A relationship though

Oh blimey iwas is this going to be like Easter egg gate all over again? Poldark in the kitchen, Poldark in the bathroom, Poldark on the wardrobe etc? I'm going to bed now NOT to dream about Poldark, I may add. Catch you all tomorrow, will get new thread up and ready when home from work. KOKO xxx

Oh and a little soppy hug for WWK. She may be our mum, but she still needs looking after xxxx cccccc

ali will PM you tomorrow x

Made it to 6am today before waking in a sick panic.

Although it's probably because I didn't get to sleep until 1am.
I've got such a busy next few days at work it's absolutely daunting.

Yesterday I got in such a tizz driving in an unfamiliar town that I drove the wrong way up a one way street. I'm sure the place is bristling with cameras.
In DP's car as well, which is registered to his address, not mine, so I won't be able to deal with the letter when it comes.
Has anyone got any ideas what I could do about this?
I don't want it to be a reason why I have to talk to him. Although I'd like to talk to him more than anything else really but in my head that conversation goes a lot better than it will in reality ...I mean my reasonable pleading about our relationship. .

Thanks wwk for that excellent advice, as always. Maybe if I was to bribe you with a brand new blow up Poldark you might be tempted to do it for me, please x

cutted Try not to worry about the car thing. I know we feel we are being watched all the time in our towns and cities but the reality is we're probably not.

Even though I feel so much better generally, I guess those raw emotions are only just under the surface. I just had a kind and on he surface thoughtful text about something quite trivial that HRT remembered about today. Made me cry. Ridiculous. I'm not going to reply though. Another day. Hey ho. Anyone else feel that life is a treadmill...?

cutted most cameras are dummies, no film in them. Put it to the back of your mind as best you can. Anyway, traffic ones are set up for speed breaking. And any street ones are only really looked at if a crime has been committed, eg robbery, attack etc.

1 all part of the process. Treadmill, absolutely.

Have a good day, all of you, will set up new thread after 3 today.

Yes, you're right Izzie. Routine is good I guess. Here I go, out the door. Catch up later with everyone. Hope everyone survives yet another day. Not very spring like here today x

cutted I'm not sure where you live but where I am, my darling shithead h told me ( police officer) that most of the cameras aren't actually functioning, either because they don't have the money or they're put there as a deterrent... But that is just where I live and it may not work same if you are mainland. But I still wouldn't worry... It's no biggie and if he says anything give him a few hand signals xx

Cutted It's not his place to criticise, if you get a ticket just take it off him and deal with it. don't engage.

Morning all.
ali (and anyone else who might find this useful) I know nothing of court - that's WWK's arena, and can only give advice on what I've learnt from solicitor's and mediation, so here goes...in no particular order...

1. Re emails direct or via solicitor. If he has said he would answer direct but not via solicitor then tell him (as per HIS) choice, that you will send him your questions, but if you do not get an answer within a certain time frame (say 1 week or whatever reasonable for him to get an answer back) then you will revert to solicitors. It is important to note that he does not have to answer either way. Unless you go the court route, everything is pretty well voluntary. Keep a note of any answers he sends you direct.

1. Link to wikivorce calculator here This should give you a rough idea and only if you have full disclosure.

1. Child maintenance calculator here This is done as a percentage of his gross income - 20% I think. You can ask for voluntary maintenance from him and your solicitor can work out the amount based on his income. Again if he does not respond within a certain timeframe, say you will go to the CMS (used to be CSA) I think it costs £20 to make an application, and if he doesn't pay this can be enforced and maintenance taken off him at a cost of 5% to yourself and 20% to him.

For any with DC who might go to uni, you should consider any maintenance for them until the end of tertiary education as opposed to secondary.

1. Re maintenance for yourself (spousal) The wikivorce calculator will give a very rough idea. It's all dependant on income/expenses for each of you.

The rest I'll PM you about

Btw this is assuming you are living in this country!

One year today. I'm officially into my second year of my split. Hard to believe, really. Oh, well best I get on with it.