Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships - thread 31

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books:

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites:

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Can I join this thread? I started a thread last night about DH's financial control over me and someone linked to this thread. Is there anyone experiencing anything like that? Ive been advised to contact Women's Aid but I am hesitant to actually do it yet as it is finally acknowledging the problem officially and also I keep thinking my problem is insignificant compared to those actually suffering more severe or physical abuse.

melb14 Thank you so much for your reply and good advice! I'm sure that things will gradually get better. I'm so glad that there's others than can understand what I was feeling, I felt so silly and weak about it all. But indeed, I won't look back!

AngryMo My STBX wasn't financially controlling but I can identify with how you're feeling about your situation being less significant than physical abuse. Emotional and financial abuse are real and you know how the relationship makes you feel. I found that it's when we separated that I had the space to process that he wasn't actually a very nice person and that I had every right to leave the relationship. You don't have to compare yourself to the worst case scenario to a make any decisions.

It can be daunting making steps such as calling Women's Aid, but do give it a try. Whatever you decide, your emotional health is as important as your physical health

despicable, I like the idea that you are starting to like yourself more - this may be why you are able to stand up to him more and are coming to some realisations about his behaviour.

melb I do remember when every communication (good or bad) from my FW sent my emotions into rollercoaster. I still get a little shaken and anxious at the thought of having to contact him re DS but it's much, much more manageable now that I am several years down the line.

Hello AngryMo, sorry you are having such a tough time right now. I would second, third and fourth the recommendation of contacting WA - domestic abuse is any sort, not just physical, it can include financial, emotional, verbal, sexual as well, or any in isolation. Any sort of abuse is unacceptable, so please do contact them. I'd be willing to be there's at least emotional abuse as well for you, or else you would be able to speak to him about the financial situation. If it's any help, I contacted them by email first off, as I was unwilling to say it all out loud. I had a degree of financial abuse too, but I was lucky that I had family to help me so I wasn't restricted by it (which didn't go down well with him at all, of course...)

Hi angrymo - yes I suffered financial abuse. It's a very frightening and isolating thing, being unable to control your own money for whatever reason. Controlling your access to money is a way for an abuser to make it very difficult for you to leave. I would also second calling Women's Aid. It's a big big step to make, but they can put you in touch with people who can help with the finances.

If it's any help at all...I have changed his name on my phone (sadly can't delete him completely yet as he still has some contact with the children - they're not his (thank God) - but I need to stay in the loop. So I have changed his name to Narcissistic Neville. Not his name, but it's such a terrible one, I have a tiny chuckle when a text pings in because he doesn't even know that's what comes up. Y'take your power back as and when you can. ;) And he is truly horrible so it's good to remind myself. He told me on Christmas Eve (nice timing) that he was seeing someone (a whole 7 weeks after moving out ;)) and I said good luck, and Happy Christmas to you both, very calm and positive. My friend then arrives with her two, and I mention it to her in the kitchen - she looked at me in astonishment and said she knew, and was amazed I didn't...apparently she knew, and her teenage daughter AND my teenage daughter (they're best friends) knew...so I was a bit floored. All my mum triggers go off, as I don't want this to get to the children (no matter how old they are) before it gets past me as I need to make sure they're ok and I dont want them to think they have to hide something from me...that make any sense?? Texted him I was not at all happy, even angry, that they knew before I did as if it had been upsetting for my daughter I wouldn't even have known she was upset, and she was effectively having to be complicit in a deceit to me (which made me really cross). Blimey. Got a faceful of text shout back about my being flawed, about not believing myself when I say I am as flawed as any other person, about my having issues, "just like your mother", about needing to get over myself, about my being self righteous, that he doesn't tell me how flawed I am but I do him (which is so funny my jaw hit the floor - he made an art form of it)...etc etc. Wow. Just in case I should ever forget that of course, it's ALWAYS ALL ABOUT HIM and if anyone ever calls him on his behaviour it's NEVER his fault, NEVER his responsibility to apologise or be accountable and ALWAYS a MASSIVE piece of evidence that the other person is out to get him and attack him and he's entitled to be as rude, verbally aggressive and insulting as he wants.

Am wondering. Maybe Narcissistic Neville is just too kind? ;))

Big love to all you fabulous women out there. When I am Queen I'm going to put all this FWs into a very small room with things in The Wrong Place and Stuff That They Trip Up On (always a sign that someone Doesn't Care Enough ;)) and let them let rip on each other. ;)

x

PS Our (happy) house now has Stuff In the Wrong Place in every room (and it's great); if stuff trips you up, it's probably because it needs putting away and it's no biggie and it's DEF not because "I Just Don't Care Enough"; no-one ever uses the F(lawed) word ('cos it's just not nice hurling it at someone, so why would any of us do that); and the whole house is a Bollocking-Free Zone. No one gets, or gives, a bollocking. Why would they? We're all reasonable, warm-hearted, emotionally intelligent people. It's hardly ever all about one of us, and taking responsibility for one's own actions is just a natural part of breathing each day. If all those things seem exotic to any of you, then please take heart that you're doing the right thing to get help on this fab forum and you're entitled to fight for a life where they are normal. It's absolutely, to your toes worth it. I hate hearing from him, and his texts still churn my belly up - but by God, compared to living with the bstard, it's nothing*. :)

Thank you for your support. I am still working out what I should do right now, but I've saved WA in my phone for when I need it. I'm not ready to call yet.
Melb, I absolutely LOVE your Narcissistic Neville name change, it's brilliant! A tiny silly thing but who cares if it makes you feel good for a second or two! I'm inspired...maybe I'll give my phone a tweak too...

Go, AngryMo ! There are a million ways we can retake our rightful place in our own lives. :)

And despicableme - we're all right there with you. Every time he has a go at you, remind yourself silently he's taking us ALL on. :)

It's funny, my brother was a key turning point for me - I'd already decided I had to end it before my fab brother and his family visited from NZ; hadn't told him anything about the abuse; and one day having spent a few days in our house he waited for a private moment, just faced me and said "So - what are you going to do about your man, then?".

I fell apart - but the relief that it gave in terms of someone else saying the FW's behaviour was just not ok was bloody enormous. This wasn;t me this was someone else who knew nothing, and was so horrified at how he spoke to his big sister that he asked, and asked, and asked, if he could tell him exactly what he thought. He didn;t becasue I asked him not to - but he was brilliant; spoke to him a lot, and his simple, gentle, in no way pushy point that I just needed to "get back into the driving seat of my life" and deep horror at some of the stuff I ended up telling him (and him seeing for himself) was exactly the stick in the quicksand I was able to hang on to. I knew it, but it needed someone else to validate it (because you get to a stage where you're sure about nothing at all) to really give me the final ooomph of strength. The thing is if you're on this forum, something is bad enough to do something about, and it can sometimes help if you imagine this was happening to a child of yours. Then you become very, very, very clear about what is ok, and what needs completely cutting out of your life. Tweak your phone; and chat to WA. They will not make you do anything; they will listen, and just saying it out loud could well give you the clarity and strength you need. Sending a HUGE hug to you all. :)

That is a very moving post, Melb, and what a wonderful brother you have

I'm another step closer to making the call, the panic in my chest is too much to bear, yet I still have seeds of doubt.

We're with you in this transition stage, AngryMo - finding the strength to take the first step is like handling over inflated balloon knowing it has to burst - it's much worse before it pops than after! :) The panic will almost certainly ease when you have called; and it's only a phone call. You need do nothing after it; they will just listen. You're in charge. :) x

mel, just popping in to say I love this: "the whole house is a Bollocking-Free Zone". Words to live by. I'd say the same for my house too. I'm six years down the line from leaving my ex and hardly recognise the person I was with him.

AngryMo, I think it's very very common to think your situation isn't bad enough to be worth a call to WA. I was afraid that I was using their resources and stopping another woman in more need to get help (picture the usual media image of woman with black eye). I promised myself to make a donation when I could manage to make up for "wasting" their time. It wasn't a waste. You might well feel like a total fraud calling them, but it's worth it. It's only a conversation.

Can I ask, for those of you who have called WA, how they helped you? Was it more emotional support? Did they offer practical advice? Did you go into depth about your situation? Did they ultimately help you or just help you to help yourself?
I made the leap and rang this morning. However I've been left a bit deflated by the call. It was good to speak to a real life person who understands my predicament and was completely sympathetic and reinforced the fact it's not all in my head. She referred me to the CAB for legal advice but that was all. She didn't offer me much in the way of advice though. I'm not sure what I was expecting really.

Hey Mo - for me, in mostly email contact, it was constant confirmation that my husband's behaviour was abusive, that I was not imagining it. There was no real advice as such - they can't advise, they can't tell you to leave him, they can only listen and agree it's abuse, and listen to what you are saying, then help you form a leaving plan (or whatever else you need). I know on your thread you have said that you felt the person you spoke to maybe wasn't experienced. I would recommend emailing - it will give you time to compose it, and to get in everything you want to include (eg asking about the new legalities). You are doing great, it's all a real shock to consider the 'abuse' word, that in itself is hard to deal with, much less the horrible behaviour of your partner.

Just wondering if anyone can join this thread? I'm new to MN and am mulling over my relationship with my husband who I am starting to realise is EA.

Thank you Ponygirl, I'll try an email and see how it goes.
Hi Stormsurfer. I'm not new to MN but new to this thread, but of course you can join, anyone can. I hope these threads are helpful to you, I am still working on things too and have received a lot of great advice.

angrymo thank you. Hello everyone else!

Hello Stormsurfer, sorry you are in the situation of needing to be here. The links in the OP are a good place to start if you are in the early stages of realisation. (Have you had a look at them too Mo? They might help with the spaghetti head your partner induces.)

Hi angrymo, just to reinforce what's been said about WA - their most important role, I think, is to validate your experience, as the spaghetti head ponygirlcurtis mentions is a big prob and it mangles up your ability to judge what's going on. So get to the first stage of clocking, and getting your head round the reality that, the r.ship is abusive (I found that a right old head fck, just to begin with..."what, me?!!!" etc etc) and then you can start figuring out who you might want to do about it. Because we can take action. :) You just need to decide what, when and how. And this thread will be a huge support to you - as to you, stormsurfer*. There's lots of fantastic women on here who can help you figure out your spaghetti knots! :)

Thank you melb14 and ponygirlcurtis. I'm reading the Lundy book as a starting point and feeling more confident that I'm not just perceiving things incorrectly or being too sensitive….my heart thumps when I read some of the stuff - a sure sign it is resonating...but I am taking it slowly and stopping frequently because it is all overwhelming…I have been DH for more than half my life so there is a lot of incidents and behaviors to unpick.

I've got another thread, but not much activity on it.

Having a really bad day.

Not sleeping, not eating, can't stop crying. I don't know how much more I can take w/o having a complete breakdown.

The harassment and controlling is increasing.

Just had 2nd evaluation of house. I had been provisionally been approved for mortgage to buy him out of our home, and it was only just enough. This new evaluation is £20,000 more. I don't have that and we will have to sell.

That sounds pretty grim, tbtc20. Sounds like you need a collective hug.

Hang on in there for the moment. What other support have you around you?

It may seem hideous at the moment, but selling and getting your own place might not be the Very Bad thing it seems right now.

Do you have any children?

Thank you.
Today has been a better day, well since the afternoon anyway.

Had a meeting with my lovely solicitor who calmed me down a great deal.
We will get a third house evaluation and then take the average.

I have a neighbour on hand with a pitchfork should thinks kick off. I have a couple of friends in the village who I can call night or day and go and cry on their shoulder. I also have a few friends who know I am divorcing but not the reason and they've offered to help/listen etc.

I called Women's Aid yesterday and they've suggested calling the local centre to get in touch someone who I could meet in person.

We have 2 children, DS1 (16) and DS2 (6).

I gave my solicitor most of my Form E docs and things are in her hands while she prepares letters etc, so that's taken a little pressure off.

Of course it could all completely unravel if husband kicks off, but at least I feel a bit stronger today.

I am so angry today.

I think I will need to ask my solicitor to officially tell him to only contact me regarding the boys or the divorce.

He is not working, yet he blames me for there not being enough food in the house (actually there is a meal for me and the boys, just not his fancy stuff). He said he could not collect DS2 cos he "had things to do". I work from home, but wanted to go to the office today. He makes out that this is really difficult of me. I should not even be in the equation...since he's the great SAHD.

DS1 complained that I was angry. We are SO far off having the "Mum and Dad love you both, but we can't live with each other" conversation so he hasn't even been told what's happening.

Sorry to hear things aren't good today tbt. Deep breaths, grit your teeth and don't react immediately. Leave it over the weekend and get yourself some time to yourself if you can, even if it's with the boys, as long as it's out of the house for a bit (I'm guessing you are still having to live together?). These kinds of things he is doing are specfically designed to wind you up, they are his attempts to control you still. Don't let them. (I know it's hard though...)

Yup, ponygirlcurtis is spot on, tbt. Do whatever you need to do to remove yourself from his influence. He's probably clocked he's in danger of losing his influence on you, so he's going to resort to Major Arse Mode. Your anger is a really healthy, reasonable response to a completely unreasonable demand that you get food in even though he's the one with the time (from what you say here.). So deep breaths, use all your anger as your rocket fuel to keep you moving away from him emotionally at warp speed. (:)).

You're doing all the right things. You're not alone. All this will end. :)