Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships - thread 31

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books:

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites:

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Just nudging so it goes to page1.

Struggling today.
Real physical symptoms of stress.
Bullying by H.
Called Women's Aid for a good cry. I need to call a local centre to get some ongoing support, someone I can meet in person.
Just feel so worn down and don't know how I can see it through to the end.

Sending warm wishes, hugs and strength.

One step at a time, one day at a time. It will be worth it.

Have you managed to set up meeting someone from WA in person, tbt? I did that, after emailing them, I found it very helpful.

A support worker is being assigned to me and I will hear from them in the next week or so.

Had a terrible day. Went to GP for reassurance about chest pain and he wanted me to go straight to A&E.

All ok and I was very well looked after (physically and emotionally). I'm to go back to GP tomorrow for depression test (?).

I just want it to be done with.

And I am sick with worry about solicitor bills.

How are you feeling now tbt? Any more chest pain? How did it go back at the GP's?

Thank you for asking pony.
I have had some pain but I am trying to be strong and tell myself it's anxiety - that I am healthy! That helps, but anxiety is a real thing so it won't just disappear, I know that.

Doc wasn't very good. He offered counselling (self-referral) or antiD's.
He asked "what do you want me to do?". Well, I never asked to see him, the nurse was keen for me to be seen because I was in so much distress. I didn't feel any empathy from him, unlike the registrar at the hosp who showed great compassion and care. I guess we can't warm to everyone.

I am hoping the Women's Aid outreach worker will give me the reassurance and professional advice I need to lower my stress levels. I haven't heard from them yet.

The solicitor sent a bill IN ERROR. I was sure to tell them how much distress it caused me (I tend to wake around 3am and struggle to get back to sleep). They were quick to look into it and apologise...but FFS!

That's pants, tbtc - !!!! I hope they did apologise!

If it's any use, I go to bed with a small transistor radio tuned to Radio Four. It just means if I wake in the night (that 3 am slot is a bugger) I just turn it on - World Service is endlessly brilliant. It's a voice, it's genuinely interesting programmes, it's company in the dark, and it stops all the rubbish churning around in my head. If you fall asleep to it, it doesn't matter. I can get to the stage now where I'm sleep enough to reach out and switch it off and fall straight to sleep again. Worth a try. Waking up is always a bad time for me - so R4 goes on the moment I wake up and gets me through those first dark moments alone. :) I think it gives instant perspective... the world is MUCH bigger than the washing machine full of demons going round and round in my head. :)

In the meantime spend a little time on your breathing. Anxiety involves uplift in adrenaline and faster breathing, reducing the oxygen levels in your blood. Breathing slowly (in through your nose, out through your mouth - just like in labour, if you've done that) will slow and therefore reverse that process. A physical tool you can use to start getting your head back under control.

Hang on in there. We're with you. :)

Thanks mel. It really was pants. Yes, the assistant looked into it and called me back within minutes and I did tell her how much distress it had caused me. I presume it will not happen again.

Thank you for the night tips. DS2 sleeps in with me (small house), so I'd have to use earphones to listen to the radio at night.

I do try breathing exercises and they do help. I also run which is just about the best therapy for me. I need to look after myself though as I am really, really scared that I might injure myself and then not be able to run and I honestly think I'd have a breakdown if that happened.

I have done labour! Twice :-)

I'm sorry to hijack but I recently found out with help from counselling that my first teenage relationship was EA too. The red flags were all there but I didn't see it at the time. For example, I would go talk to some of the girls in my class and he would be watching me like a hawk. He would also invade my personal space whenever he could. There is other stuff too but I'll post them later.

Hi This is my first post here. I think I am in a mentally abusive or emotionally i mean relationship but am never 100% sure. Have been together about 7 years but married andliving together 18 months ago. I have 9 year old son from previous marriage.

We argue all the time about the discipline or way to handle my son. It drives me insane. We have arguments every so often about it where he tells me its all my fault then says he is leaving then the next day gives me a cuddle and says its fine lets just move on!! I have had cancer and stroke so my son is very attached to meand my hubby says its unnatural. We were on our own together son and me from when he was 18 months old. So yesterday my son said could he eat his tea in living room as too cold in kitchen, yes thats fine. Then he relaises i am gonna eat in kitchen so he comes in and was gonna ask me to shut the window. But i had then decided to come into living room too. So my hubby then starts on my son about oooo your just following your mom again, its unntaural your obesses with her blah blah. Son bless him then tries to justify himself and i butted in and said does it really matter to try and settle the situation which i could see escualting. Ended in massive row in front of son. HUbby called me a nasty name C* son flies upstairs crying. ANyway its all my fault for saying does it matter - am supposed to agree with him in front of son whether i agree or not and tell hubby later. But this happens too much. Hubby is allowed to interupt me when i talk as apparently i talk for too long but we are never allowed to interupt him. Due to my stroke i forgot things and can get a little muddled at times. He copnstantly tells me how i never get anything right, that i never listen, that i should just shut up, that i dont help the situation etv etc

Am i being emotionally abused? please help. I do love him dearly and have tried to end it numerous times but he seems to have some hold over me. I am so confused and my son doesnt reallt want him to stay i dont think.

Gill, it does sound like an abusive relationship. Your son sounds like he may have separation anxiety and your husband could be jealous of your relationship with your son, especially as you have such a close bond. That argument certainly wasn't your fault, these men have a way of twisting things so that it looks like it is always your fault but it is NOT your fault. As for having a hold on you when you try to leave is also true because they know that they are losing control of you, which is the greatest fear.

Their greatest fear. Stupid Kindle.

If you don't want him to stay and you've tried to leave him many times then it doesn't matter what the reasons are (abuse or not). You don't need a reason, just end the relationship.

Or, sit down and tell him how he makes you feel (make a list and find a time he says he's willing to really talk), and go from there.

You obviously need to change something. You and he should both be supporting your son and he need to acknowledge that you and your son have a very close bond. Mocking your son is only going to serve to make your son even closer to you NOT whatever it is your partner thinks should happen.

I really need to have this put in perspective as I am replaying this incident at the moment over and over again in my head but also happened when I was 14, I split up with the controlling boyfriend and dated someone else. My ex knew this and one Sunday morning turned up at my house with his parents out of the blue to tell me that he'd booked cinema tickets for a film that evening. I did not want to go but this was in front of my Mum who would have said I was mean, selfish and ungrateful. Also I didn't think it was appropriate to be out on a school night so late. But stupid me gave in and I went. During the film, ex boyfriend tried to touch me but I told him no, I was seeing someone else. Not long after he kissed me and apologised in a not very sincere way. I felt so violated and now I feel ashamed for giving in and this ex boyfriend is still trying to muscle in on me many years later.

watch there is no hijacking here - we all come here for support re EA. I am now free, but it took me until later life to realise, overcome my fear, and take action.

It sounds as if you may have learnt from your mother to over-ride your own decisions and intuitions. But in the cinema you told this ex "no" - you stood by your decisions and intuitions, as far as you could. (I imagine there are many woman on here who would go "well I'd have just walked out at that point" - but at 14 with a problematic upbringing? it's just not as easy as that!)

(or even with no problematic upbringing - fear of embarrassment can be pretty powerful)

Thanks to this site I realised I was being EA.
I sent him a few links, acknowledged he would probably not accept it and I now know I will never get the apology or explanation I want from him. I can finally move on. Properly :-)

Really struggling to hold it together today. H is "trying really hard" and being nice. He's admitted to being emotionally abusive (well, sometimes, in words, but I'm not sure I'm convinced he knows what it really means) and he insists that he is in the process of getting counselling from a EA specialist counsellor. But so far he has made 3 contacts (emails or web chats) over the space of more than a month, and has been dragged by me to relate, who refused to counsell us together until he'd seen an EA specialist. I just feel awful and mean and uncharitable for not believing that he'll follow through with any meaningful counselling. If he says he's sort of accepting that this will eventually end in divorce, should I just give up now and file a petition? I feel like the baddy here - I'm not forgiving him, I'm not letting go of what he's done, I can't imagine trusting him again unless he's obviously changed by counselling, and he vacillates between trying to make a joke of it, getting angry or pulling the pity-me puppy dog face and making me feel like a cold heartless cow. Am I just on an unstoppable inevitable road? I feel like my body is making all the preparations to leave, including planning new housing, thinking about divorce and finances and practicalities, but my heart is all over the shop and is proper "head-in-the-sand". Life is surreal at the moment, sometimes I wonder if I've gone mad and this is a delusion I'm living in. Sorry for rant.

Yet I am sorry for the rollercoaster and spaghetti-head you have right now. think the generally accepted advice is that while someone can get counselling and stop being EA, this is best done at a distance from the person who they were EA with. Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book? it's really helpful in that regard, and in helping you see that by distancing yourself from him physically (ie living elsewhere) you are in fact helping the possibility of any proper reconciliation, should he do the work necessary for that. I totally know what you mean about head and heart being in different places. For me, I had to let my head do what I knew needed to be done, even though I was breaking my own heart in doing so.

gill my abusive ex was the same. My DS was 4.5 when we started seeing each other, and he totally resented my relationship with my son. He even told me off for cuddling him, saying I was babying him, and that his family had commented on how it looked like I was still breastfeeding him (because his head would rest on my boobs, because he was still little). I sincerely doubt anyone made any such comments at all, it was just him. He would not allow me to spend one-to-one time with my DS, even wouldn't allow me to mention that phrase (said it was ridiculous). He would be horribly strict with my DS and I had to say nothing because to voice my dislike for him treating DS like that was me undermining him. Ex also told me I was psychotic, that he would get me sectioned etc. I had no medical conditions that warranted him saying that, he was just an abusive arsehole. As is your H. He is using the fact you are doubting your memory as a way to put you down and belittle you. You could start writing everything down, that's what I did because I also started doubting myself. When you see it all catalogued I think you will start to realise his abuse is real and it's not you that has memory problems. Keep posting here as your diary/proof to yourself if it helps.

Here's the thread!

I would agree absolutely on the keeping a diary thing. It depends on how much private space you have; I hid my screen when I wrote on here, hid my diary, and hid a memo on my phone labelled something innocuous to list the sht when it happened. It helps in lots of ways: 1) you get to write down and vent your fury and pain, when at the time, when it happens, you know that expressing it to him just would just cause you more grief, so you don't, or you daren't; 2 ) you have a list to go back to to remind youRself when you have the (inevitable and predictable) "this is just me being mad" moments - you read stuff you'd put to the back of your head and it's like reading a huge neon lit sign saying "NOPE - YOU WERE RIGHT THE FIRST TIME - DON'T DOUBT YOURSELF!"; and I've found now, even after I finally kicked the arse out of the house, if I remember something unpleasant I wasn't able to write down at the time, I do write it down now - because it feels like catching a rogue memory that's flying around and might bash you unawares when you're not expecting it; writing it down is getting back in control* of what happens - literally grabbing it and putting it on the page, out of your head. Gone. Sorted. I'm in charge of my life, thank you very much, and definitely in charge of any memories and where I choose to keep them. Boom.

And this beautiful 3 minutes is my Song of the Day. Have a listen:

I'm going to teach myself on the cello.

"I will never let go" - of me, my sense of my self, my own power. :)

xx

I've not read this thread in a while... thanks again for all the wonderful support and understanding, it means so much.

While STBXH is and will likely always be an EA arse, there's light at the end of the tunnel for me. I can watch what I want to on the telly. No more atmosphere of doom and gloom around the house. No more wondering when he'll kick off next. No more walking on eggshells for me and the DC. No more worrying that the house isn't pristine despite my very best efforts. My self-esteem had fallen further than I'd realised but at least I'm not feeling crappy every damn day any more. I'd done so much crying during the marriage and now I realise that was no way to live at all. Yes, life and marriage has its ups and downs but no way is it ok to expect your partner to put up with being treated and spoken to like utter crap.

Like melb I've had friends and family members notice his EA ways, I had no idea (apart from a couple of obvious incidents) that anyone else had noticed, or I'd minimised his behaviour, a kind of coping mechanism I suppose. I have mixed feelings - really pleased that others can "validate" my experience but also upset with myself that I didn't notice and act on them sooner. I do wonder if anyone had noticed or said anything if I would have married him... ah well. I won't dwell on that but rather than focusing on the years I spent with him, I'm glad I am out of that situation now.