Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships - thread 31

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books:

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites:

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Glad you have a good day out planned.

Just a thought: You really don't need to read your XH text messages and get embroiled in his dramas and guilt tripping any more. I found it very hard to resist the string pulling my FW XH tried on me when he was "so so sad" and I knew he was involving my DDs. Luckily for me he found a GF very quickly and it took his attention away from us all. Could you perhaps only check the phone once a week? Or get one of the DC to vet the messages and only show you the ones you need to see? Ot make all comms go through the SHL? It would give you back control of the situation.

How is everyone doing?

Contact visits at centre finally approved yesterday. So today I get email from stbx stating that he still thinks contact should be at my home, and he's saying that he's done nothing wrong, that it's just my "say so" that he's done anything wrong and on and on. He's saying he's "hurt" that I think he would ever cause any harm to the children. According to him, things were just fine until he did a few "stupid things." Well, yes, the contact visits were fine for HIM. He came into my home, shouted and swore at us, threw his weight around, was very aggressive, and had to be told to leave. It was most definitely NOT fine for me and the dcs - and I told him so repeatedly. I cannot subject the dcs to that again.

I spoke to social services, who verified that he had contacted them, and the duty SW said to continue to do what I need to do to safeguard the dcs and not to let him pressure me into doing something I'm not comfortable with or that compromises our safety in any way. He, of course, is claiming that he is being nice by not dragging contact issues into the court.

Why couldn't he focus as much energy into being a decent father as he does into bullying?

He, of course, is claiming that he is being nice by not dragging contact issues into the court.

by that, I mean stbx is claiming this.

Glad you have the contact centre sorted Alice. Do you know when it will start up/how often it will be etc? And have you ignored the email from him? Hope so.

He says: I am being nice by not dragging these contact issues to court.

Read: It would cost money to go to court. Bugger that. Plus it has taken me this long to be bothered to sort out the contact centre, court really would be a lot more effort so I won't be doing that.

Plus he full well knows that he would get short shrift if it he took it to court, he hasn't got a leg to stand on regards forcing you to host contact in your home. FW.

How are you feeling about it all?

Things didn't go at all well on the family day out. STBXH arrived, expecting it to be a happy family occasion. Why? Is he totally oblivious to the hurt he has caused. The children were obviously ill at ease with him, I was too. So he left after less than an hour, "I feel so alone" etc etc.

This was followed by a blitz of texts, which I tried to ignore but the bastard managed to dominate the day, for me at least. The children were great and minimised his carry on and focused on having fun, but I'm sure they knew I was shaken up again. Last time I do anything like it again.

I'm exhausted after a busy week at work, but I'm going to make some time this weekend to think about some changes to make to help me move on. It's easy to get stuck in a rut in this situation, patterns of thinking and behaviour.

Hi all.. alice however he rationalises the situation at least he's accepting the arrangements, hope you and DC are ok.

Rozalia hope you are ok after bad day. It's hard to accept that they won't change. Giving a 'chance' often just gives them another opportunity to make things difficult and all about them.

I'm massively going backwards at the moment, had an offer on the house and true to type H is in full on bully mode, trying to get me to agree to his choice of flat to buy next. Wait a minute... I want my half of the proceeds to buy my own place...sneaking a separation past him perhaps trickier than I thought. It's early days, however.

I would assume the contact will start within the next couple weeks. It's up to the centre to sort it. I did answer the email, but only to reiterate that contact will need to be at the centre. I felt it was important to make sure that was clear.

So, after the requisite numerous attempts, I'm getting ready to leave EA STBXH. I should have left the first time I tried but I didn't and it has ground me down to a point where I find it difficult to recognise myself. I'm so stressed and anxious where I used to be happy and relaxed.

We work together so part of the process of leaving will be cutting that bond. I have savings that mean I could afford to live without working for about 6 months but obviously then those savings would be gone. Or I could start applying for new positions now. I don't know what to do for the best.

I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. If I had worked anywhere else (apart from in our business) I would have taken time off but it has been constant. I can't decide if a new role would be energising, exciting and help to distract me from the sad days that will come or if it will just be too much and I'll spectacularly crash and burn. I love having a little safety net of savings and don't know if losing that will just be an added stress or if I really do just need to take some time for me to try to rebuild and take care of myself.

I'm imagining dropping DS at school then maybe going to the gym, meeting friends for lunch, getting my hair cut - all the simple stuff that makes you feel human but which I've just been unable to do in this relationship. But I worry that the reality might be - going home and crying about my failed marriage. . .but maybe I need time and space to do that too.

Hello everyone, morning Winnie xx I've been on here before but lost my details. Same situation here. After he denied swearing at me and disturbed my sleep a little light bulb went on. If Attila is about, and others, thanks! Winnie, I have nothing, debts etc, but it's got to be better than this? X

Beelzebop yy it definitely has to be better. I have a little dream of what Christmas could be like if I actually do leave this time - peaceful and happy with no crisis about him not getting the tree or presents or deciding on Christmas Day he doesn't want to come out for Christmas dinner but instead is taking to his bed in a huff . . .
for you and good luck!

Morning Winnie - I think giving yourself a bit of space to just 'be' and process after you leave would be a good idea. Doesn't have to be for ages, but a few weeks at least. Then you can reassess how you're feeling and think more clearly about what kind of job you want. The first weeks are likely to be a roller-coaster, probably best not to add new job stress onto your shoulders.

Have you got a plan/timescale for leaving?

How are you doing Rozalia and thats? Alice have the contact centre sessions started yet?

Beezle have you got a plan after your lightbulb moment?

Oh Winnie! Stress free Christmas! That sounds amazing. We CAN do this!

Hi pony girl, I haven't yet. I'm going to ring CAB tomorrow to see if I can get housing advice. One thing I have learnt is that his mum is as if not more controlling than he is. She will fight. He has recently admitted during a nice phase that his mum demanded I sign a prenup before we got married as he will be rich one day . They've judged me so wrongly. I don't give a hoot about cash, but I do about my kids so I'm not leaving their home without a fight! X

Just to add when Mil bought house for us, she refused to put my name on deeds, just his n hers.

Hi ponygirl how are you? I remember how kind you were when I first started posting on these threads - thanks

I've been looking at flats/houses over the last two weeks. I've given myself until Friday to decide on one. Depending on which one, I'll either be able to move before the schools go back or in the Sept weekend. I realise I could prevaricate for ages over which one is best and moan about the small bathroom or whatever but ultimately I'm not going to live there forever. It just has to get me over this initial phase.

How exciting Winnie! Think, you can have it all how you want!

It's odd. Before I married STBXH I'd never really thought about having the freedom to hang pictures or choose curtains or have a bookcase or use the dishwasher

He's been so controlling over all those things that being able to do them will feel like an achievement. Sometimes, I really can't believe I've let him control so much.

But, yes, having a house that can actually feel like a home will be an unimaginable luxury!

Thanks for asking ponygirl. I'm trying to get on with each day, unravel the tangled mess in my mind STBX's behaviour has created. I'm going to try to have a couple more sessions of therapy, I find it useful to help me make big decisions. Unfortunately I've had a more contact than I'd like with STBXH this last couple of weeks and it unfailingly leaves me feeling worse.

I'm fine thanks Winnie - three years out now and still working on myself in various ways. I think your idea of just choosing somewhere is a good one - it's not forever. When I left, I chose a flat which was difficult in some ways (boys had no garden/outdoor space) but it was such a lovely flat and good location and most importantly I felt safe there. I could equally have gone with a house that was further away - so outdoor space and not so good location (was a drive to school). If somewhere ticks the most important boxes, the rest can be lived with in the short term.

So where will that leave you if you do leave Beezle, will you be able to get your entitlement from the house? There are pros and cons to your name not being on it thought - means you can just walk away.

Rozalia are you still sharing the same living space?

No, he lives in a city about 40 miles away. Thank god. The last few months he was here he really ramped up his appalling behaviour, I'm surprised I didn't crack.
He's just bad news, I never see him or have interaction with him without feeling worse about myself. I don't know how many times I've googled " Am I an abusive spouse?" after he's spoken to me. Oddly I see lots of behaviours I recognise - in him. Never seen my own behaviour described. But that's how he makes me doubt myself.

Hi everybody hows everyone doing?
I've been getting it bad this week of him Lots of manipulating and mind games,it's cos he's broke me and the kids getting the backlash he's moaning at and about the kids all day I felt like screaming I had to restrain myself,I got a new phone this week I always take second hand ones but it was like he was annoyed I did something I would never do,and I booked a holiday with my family next year for a change haven't been away with them in long time,I didn't think he would wanna go he's not good with people so I didn't book him he's now saying he's booking it he's not missing out on holiday with he's kids I don't want him to go he will ruin our holiday,he doesn't care bout spending time with them at home he doesn't like these new decisions,I just felt so low today how have I been so stupid and got myself in this situation now I can't get myself out of it

Gosh pony I can't believe that's been 3 years. It feels as though it's gone so quickly.

3 years pony

I'm having to accept the fact that I haven't got the courage to leave H. We're selling the house (providing it goes through) and I'm worried I'll get sucked into buying another place with him. I've said I'm not going to...I'm still hoping for separation by stealth, he's convinced he will talk me around into buying what he wants. We saw a lovely family house yesterday...in the place I don't want to be (deep countryside, no chance of me working without major hassle ie car needed for everything) quite isolated, I want to stay in London...but it was so pretty I could imagine myself making jam, keeping chickens. That's his vision! Not mine! In fact I wouldn't mind doing it alone but not with him.

I think H has a bit of a 'the good life' fetish. He wants me to be as constantly cheery and supportive as Barbara, when I look at that show now I can only see a covert abuse situation where she has to go along with everything Tom wants, of course she does it but she's always supporting him and none of the shenanigans are really instigated by her. Oh, and she always looks cute and never complains. Gah. Childhood visions skewed via 'feminist' perspective!