Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships - thread 31

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books:

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites:

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

IIRC if they do not respond within a certain number of days, the papers need to be served. The court needs proof he's got them, whether that's via a reply from him or by official delivery of papers.

Mine received his in the post (still in same house) and after my initial stress had passed, I almost hoped he wouldn't reply so I could have papers served. Mine was just v v PA aggressive though, not dangerous, and delayed replying to everything (which I found helpful, as I had more time to think and do marital accounts).

Hi thats I agree with pony, some physical distance from him will do your head a whole world of good. I don't know much about non-mol orders myself but it makes sense that you need to force him to give you some space. The head fog is what FWs are good at and he knows (I'm sure he does) that he's messing with you. I agree you need to be in touch with your solicitor and make them work harder for you. Hope you're having a better day today.

More from here to you too Fi. Hope you're doing ok.

And how are you doing nini? Your freedom is getting closer and closer.

I'm stressed pony but the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter and brighter with every passing day.

I get the keys for my new place next week then its moving day the week after. DD has been told and took the news surprisingly well for now, but I'm keeping an eye on her. No doubt there will be wobbles nearer the time when it fully sinks in.

I have however discovered that the CM figure we agreed at mediation is totally wrong, so following a discussion with the CMS to get the 'correct' minimum figure, I now need to broach that with FW. He's going to hit the roof so I'm dreading it. But its a conversation that needs to happen before we move or it'll be harder to pin him down. Fortunately the law is on my side here so I've got nothing to lose.

I feel stronger, and for the first time in a long time, positive. It will be a struggle, but no more so than years of abuse from him.

Nini how marvellous! Just think, in 2 weeks time you'll be in your new place. I'm glad that DC seems OK, who knows, she might just thrive when you are on your own with her, there is no reason to expect her to wobble. Although of course it may happen, and for you too. But as you say, a light at the end of a very long dark tunnel. Well done

Thanks ladies, I couldn't have got this far without your support these last 3 (yes 3!) years.

I will be having a large celebratory glass of my first night of freedom!

I'll be here, chinking your virtual glass in support nini.

Hi all. I am creeped out having returned from the dump (clear up from kitchen mess he created when doing DIY) to find a not very nice flower delivery for me with a card 'I love you from Toad' (h said once he looked like a frog and I agreed, he's never let me forget). Last night I got the usual spate of texts but content different... 'I love you' (ick) then later 'are you f-ing someone else' a few versions of that. I haven't responded one bit. Not sure if this is an escalation of harassment or not. I just hope he will find something to do with himself today and accept the fact that I don't want to go out there. I've planned to go out to see DD tomorrow, told her it would just be me. I'm freaking out about it but FFS! A mother going to visit her DD at uni is a perfectly normal thing to do!

Glad you are going off to see DD tomorrow thats - have you told her that you are divorcing him yet?

No, I don't think the 'I love you' texts and flowers are an escalation as such, just him trying a different tactic to hoover you back up (note the use of Toad as a kickout to you, to remind you how horrible you have been to him therefore he is still the victim here, yet here he is offering the proverbial olive branch and willing to be nice).

I think when this tactic doesn't work, the next thing may be a continuation of 'you must be having an affair'.

And you are still reading his texts. Stoppit! You won't find anything good in them, and as long as you are still reading them, you are still unconsciously taking on board what he is saying and the part of you that is still trying to normalise his abuse will always be listening and paying attention and believing what he is saying. So while you keep reading, you are giving him a window to you, and allowing him to continue abusing you. Don't allow it.

I just hope he will find something to do with himself today and accept the fact that I don't want to go out there.
Nope, nu-uh, not a chance. Even if he goes silent for a few days, it'll be because he's trying a different tactic, not because he's given up or accepted it's over. (But then, if you stop reading his texts, then you won't even notice him going silent. Or him accusing you of having an affair. )

Thanks pony for the wise counsel! I've been busy this morning doing garden (very neglected and overgrown) but otherwise am sort of at a loose end, how ridiculous! Because I'm usually caught up in the 'come out' thing. I take your point about reading his texts but still feel I want to know what he's doing, in case he's planning on coming back. It was so awful the other night when he arrived so late. But I've not responded, didn't text or anything about the flowers. Unfortunately they are not very nice, sort of bereavement looking. Nothing planned for tonight but I am delighted to be on my own, luckily!

I totally understand. It's hard to just cut yourself off, and not feel like you know what he's doing. You have spent your whole life obsessively watching him and listening to him for any signs he's going to kick off, so you can jump into action to prevent it. You must feel a bit like you are blindfolded at the thought of losing that window onto him, completely unsure how to react to things because you are so used to reacting with him in mind to everything. But really, he knows you manage his behaviour so it's a way for him to get to you and control you.

And the problem is that:
a) He won't necessarily say when he's coming over. In fact, it would actually be counter-productive for him, as he probably prefers to catch you unawares.
b) Even if he does signal he's coming over, what then? You end up stressed and panicked (which may be his intention) and perhaps engaging again telling him not to come (which is probably exactly why he told you, to prod you into replying). And then he may or may not come at all - so he again controls you.

Maybe you could have a specific time when you will read his texts - start with once a day. Every lunchtime you could read all the texts that have accumulated since the previous day. Then you are not knee-jerk reacting to him, you are in control, and you can gradually extend it to reading them once every two days, once a week, etc.

And keep the doors locked with the key in the lock while you are in the house, that way he can't just let himself in, and you can call the police if he kicks up a fuss about not getting in.

Hey all

thats are you gettng locks changed whilst you are at a loose end ? taking control of your life and not waiting around for his next attack of verbal diarrhoea and utter bollox threatening diatribe?

I know its extremely hard to stop 2nd guessing his next move... but that's exactly what you have to do, simply 'stoppit' as Pony put it perfectly

it is as simple as that, but not saying it's easy. Take your control back, you are not taking his control of him, only his control of you away from him, and providing you make yourself safe as a precautionary measure, and tell him and warn the police, then just do it. Most would be made homeless, but he has a perfectly good home to go to he doesn't have any reason to pester and harrass you, just because he wants to

Thats really exciting news Nini not long now! - my DC only really needed some sort of reassurance that he was still around every few weeks, but then they were used to him being away pissing it up for extended spells anyway. I believe its better to keep it simple and reasonably blunt/honest about his behaviour so she can feel reassured that her fears are real and that you have done this to put a stop to it. Thats also a lot easier said that done, i was his perfect cover for all those years and he knew it and played it for everything it was worth, sadly still am Kind thoughts thank you for later, bit early in the day right now

be safe ladies

Thanks pony. I think I am lining up for an occupation order next week. Maybe. This is the furthest I've got with actually divorcing him. Ive had a tine when I left before (on holiday) but came back, never laid it on the line for him like this before. He is taking it seriously.

Thanks fi! I'm not sure if I should change locks. Still joint names. If he comes back I will call 101 again.

it doesn't matter if joint names, you are not taking ownership of the property you are shutting him out because of his abuses and telling him to leave you alone. After the other eve you have every right for a occupation order because feeling threatened.. and divorce under way.. what was it that the WA/solicitor advised after issuing papers to abuser?

Warn him if he comes back you will call 999 to tell him to go, as you do not want him there and there is nothing to be said and that this is pure harrassment. Legally properties will get sorted as part of the divorce, in the meantime there is no expectation that you would have to allow him in your home, he is abusive and threatening to you. Keep all locked from inside, keys in locks so he cannot use his key. Turn your key so that his key will not push your key out.

Hi there lovely ladies. I wanted to update you because you were all there for me when I needed you.
So after 25 years of marriage. 2 years of couples counselling and living in sep bedrooms I asked h to leave November last year.
He left after Christmas thinking that he would be able to talk me round.
Well I can honestly say it was THE best decision. It's not been easy. The house is being sold, the divorce is going through. I wish I had been stronger years ago.
I have been dating a lovely guy who adores me. I never thought I would date ever again. Living with someone controlling and abusive has affected me. I have trust issues and a lot of insecurities because of my messed up marriage. But I am actually living now, not just existing.
I am worried about finances and my future. But I am hopeful that things will be good for me.

Don't settle for an ok life. You all deserve so much more. Thank you so much for all your advice when I needed you.

that a lovely encouraging post FFF welcome back, in better circumstances something to celebrate. I hope your lovely guy has lots to offer you for the seeing how relationships can be done healthily with trust and your own boundaries as it can be so hard to have boundaries after years of them being eroded/denied/trashed! Its so good to hear inspiring news like this. x

.. finally! its Saturday night, a very trying day on many fronts and DC all in bed asleep finally [sleep]

[sleep] ?! [ smile ]

Fab news FFF. You do deserve more, glad you have someone lovely on your side now. You are right, it's the difference between living and existing. I take my living for granted now that I am out, it's easy to forget.

You did it. You rock.

OMG! There are stars??? when did they arrive? feeling so sorry for myself tonight x

Teehee fi - you are a !

I do like a nice star chart! Fi I hope your evening was ok in the end, sorry you were feeling down.

Pony thanks so much, you posted something which really resonated with me, about being totally tuned in to his moods, his nuances of impending eruptions, etc: this could be an exact description of growing up with my mother. And she could change like a cloud coming out of nowhere over the sun, It's still the way, when she is happy (thankfully more often now because she's on Prozac) everyone is happy but it is so fragile and we (sister and I) are always aware that the happiness can be broken so easily so everyone turns cartwheels to keep her happy. Yes-- I married my mother!

I'm posting on here to firm my resolve, it's difficult (AS WE ALL KNOW )

I want to confess, I went almost to the other place yesterday late afternoon, a package had arrived for H which he really needed and had been asking me about all week (glasses). He knew they'd arrived, I didn't want him coming back to get them, I was so utterly undecided as to what to do, I'd had a massive day of cleaning and clearing and I had picked up the package and as I drove out I just headed to the other place, left it in the post box and drove away, texted him 20 mins later to tell him it was there. It's not a long drive and I really felt the weight of this dilemma...felt I had no one to ask 'what shall I do?' And that's what life is going to be from now on. The visit of course unleashed a spate of sad sad phone calls from him, it was a lovely day, why hadn't I stayed, why didn't I turn the car around and come back (I got this via message, didn't speak to him). I did speak to him later and told him not to come back and he didn't. But I did open that door a bit, my fault for engaging with him, feeling guilty. I so need to stand my ground today, I've arranged for a friends DS to do a bit in the garden (H would be furious if he knew/knows) I was going to get him set up working then head off to see DD. H should stay where he is, I hope.

PS Meant to say, good to hear from you FFF! You've come so far, really well done.

A for you too!

that's you might feel guilty for engaging but I say bloody well done for not engaging any more than you had to. It's all baby steps forward towards where you want to be - there will be a few backward steps too, bound to be. But it's about you moving forward, even a little, and being in control. Have a lovely day with DD.

Thank you pony! It's difficult to see the way forward, I realise I have never had to 'break up' with anyone before. In the dark mists of time I tried to 'break up' with him when we were both still students, and I remember similar behaviour. WTF am I still doing here !