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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's me again (some updates)

117 replies

samantha303 · 19/04/2015 12:46

Hi, I am the girl who started the thread about me cheating on my abusive boyfriend.

We had our first counseling session three days ago and he stayed over at mine twice after the session. We are going for more as we decided to work on our relationship. He is ready to forgive me and needs time to forget about this.

However, I just constantly feel sad and guilty. I don't think I can get over the fact that I have done this to him. I jus don't feel confident that I will be able to forget I was the terrible person, even though he hit me, which was not the excuse for me to cheat. I think his friends an family won't have respect for me anymore. And I can't even tell my parents he hit me because they will never want me back with him anymore.
I'm very unsure if I can get back with him knowing that I'll never be able to forgive my mistakes

OP posts:
FabULouse · 19/04/2015 12:48

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00100001 · 19/04/2015 12:50

Oh my god.

Why would you bother with this relationship?

He hit you.

You cheated.

Why do you think it will work?

AlternativeTentacles · 19/04/2015 12:51

Why on earth would you get back with someone who hit you and who you cheated on?

And counselling when one of the couple is an abuser is NOT recommended, because one of the couple is an abuser and WILL continue this through the counselling and beyond.

fixedit · 19/04/2015 12:51

Too young with no actual ties to be dealing with this shit, just bin him and get on with both of your lives.

00100001 · 19/04/2015 12:55

Just tell your parents what has happened - and stay with them for a while.

Drop this loser :/

FabULouse · 19/04/2015 12:56

This reply has been deleted

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GoldfishCrackers · 19/04/2015 12:57

When you have to hide the reality of your relationship because you know everyone will want you to end the relationship, that means you know objectively it's not good for you. Your heart needs to catch up with your head. In the meantime, you're going to suffer - by feeling guilty about your own (understandable in the circumstances) actions, and because he's going to continue to abuse you.

I'm sorry OP, you sound like you really need support. Start telling people. Pay attention to their reactions. Definitely tell your counselor. Any decent counselor will not counsel you if there has been abuse. What you really need is individual counselling to figure out why you think you're only worth this relationship. The Freedom Programme is brilliant too.

Original poster
samantha303 · 19/04/2015 12:58

Why do everyone keep saying abusers won't change :(

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 19/04/2015 12:59

Because they don't! They may change their tactics though, as they learn more about you during counselling.

fixedit · 19/04/2015 12:59

Because they dont.

Linguini · 19/04/2015 13:00

Because it is well researched and documented that they do not.

Original poster
samantha303 · 19/04/2015 13:00

But it's like saying cheaters always cheat. I can't imagine myself doing it again it's so horrible I suffer so much

OP posts:
Original poster
samantha303 · 19/04/2015 13:01

And I'm not feeling horrible because I'm losing him. Because I just feel ashamed and can't believe I've done that :'(

OP posts:
fixedit · 19/04/2015 13:01

Just end it.

fixedit · 19/04/2015 13:02

I quite expect he is loving your guilt and reeling in it.

Original poster
samantha303 · 19/04/2015 13:03

Ladies I appreciate your comments and I understand that you guys speak from experience. But you know it's very difficult when you are in the situation yourself :(

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 19/04/2015 13:04

Get over your shame and ditch this abusive prick.

Use it as a learning curve and start working on the next phase of your life.

Original poster
samantha303 · 19/04/2015 13:05

We went to Relate. The counselor didn't say much about the abuse. We are going to have two separate 121 counselling before we meet them again as a couple

OP posts:
ThingummyJigg · 19/04/2015 13:05

Abusers don't change. You can't 'cure' them - it's who they are.

He will hit you again.

Being cheated on is the least he deserves.

You are not a terrible person - if I hit someone I would expect them to leave me and call the police. If they only cheated on me I would think it was frickin' Christmas.

Please leave him. He won't forgive you. He will hit you again and justify it 'because you cheated.' You don't deserve this.

Vivacia · 19/04/2015 13:06

Does your counsellor know he hit you?

Hell. This is like you're punishing yourself, "I'm a terrible person, I must stay with someone who hits me".

FayKorgasm · 19/04/2015 13:07

Take it from the posters here with unfortunately years of experience, abusers don't change. They may change the type of abuse from time to time but thats about it.

Original poster
samantha303 · 19/04/2015 13:08

My counsellor knows but she didn't say much about this in the first session. She might give me some suggestions in my session alone with her

OP posts:
Original poster
samantha303 · 19/04/2015 13:08

@FayKorgasm what do you mean by change the type of abuse?

OP posts:
Original poster
samantha303 · 19/04/2015 13:10

I'm not sure if his friend is being ridiculous and protective or if it's the truth. They think I have severe self esteem issue but I think I can cope quite well compared to a lot of people. I never felt so worthless being with a man. But he said he's never make me feel that way again :(

OP posts:
Meerka · 19/04/2015 13:11

Some people make a mistake once, regret it bitterly and never do it again. That could be you, it could be him.

Some people find that being abusive works. Someone put it well, was it gralick? Everyone can behave abusively in the wrong circumstances, but some people are basically abusive all the time.

You need to be very very sure that he and you both would never do it again - ever. In any circumstances. I'm not sure you can be that certain.

The women on these forums have enormous experience and can see signs that when when you in the thick of a situation, you yourself miss.

I think you want someone to say 'yes it'll be alright'. Well, there's a very faint chance it will be. But sadly, it's much more likely that it won't.

Checklist:

  • what's he like when he's angry? Does he listen as well as speak? does he try to solve disagreements by working things out between you? does he block communication? (if he blocks communication, bin him).
  • what is he like with housework? Does he share it? (small thing but shows if he sees you as an equal).
  • what's he like to people he thinks are of no importance to him - waitresses, street beggars, ticker sellers? If he's unpleasant, it shows something pretty deep about him.
  • does he share his money equally with you? (and do you with him!)
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