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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's me again (some updates)

117 replies

samantha303 · 19/04/2015 12:46

Hi, I am the girl who started the thread about me cheating on my abusive boyfriend.

We had our first counseling session three days ago and he stayed over at mine twice after the session. We are going for more as we decided to work on our relationship. He is ready to forgive me and needs time to forget about this.

However, I just constantly feel sad and guilty. I don't think I can get over the fact that I have done this to him. I jus don't feel confident that I will be able to forget I was the terrible person, even though he hit me, which was not the excuse for me to cheat. I think his friends an family won't have respect for me anymore. And I can't even tell my parents he hit me because they will never want me back with him anymore.
I'm very unsure if I can get back with him knowing that I'll never be able to forgive my mistakes

OP posts:
FayKorgasm · 19/04/2015 13:13

In between hitting you there may be some emotional abuse, a bit of financial abuse and some sexual abuse. I strongly suspect you are very much emotionally abused.

HeffalumpsnWoozles · 19/04/2015 13:13

OP forget the affair & how guilty you feel for a minute, how do you feel about him hitting you?

Lweji · 19/04/2015 13:13

Did he feel as horrible about hitting you as you did for cheating on him? Or did he blame you, or tried to dismiss it?

Think why your parents wouldn't want you back with him. Would you want it for a child of yours?

I think you do need to address why you have cheated (to make you feel like the guilty one?) and why you still want to be with someone who hit you that desperately.
But you should leave him.

FayKorgasm · 19/04/2015 13:15

I have obviously missed a previous thread but I stand by what I said in these few posts you have put up.

Original poster
samantha303 · 19/04/2015 13:16
  • what's he like when he's angry?

Shouting, pointing figure at my nose.

Does he listen as well as speak?

When he's angry he doesn't listen. May I also add he's a semi-politician who loves to debate. No offense to other politicians.

does he try to solve disagreements by working things out between you?

Yes

does he block communication? (if he blocks communication, bin him).

No never.

  • what is he like with housework?

He's quite a mess.

Does he share it? (small thing but shows if he sees you as an equal).

Yes.

  • what's he like to people he thinks are of no importance to him - waitresses, street beggars, ticker sellers? If he's unpleasant, it shows something pretty deep about him.

He's the perfect guy to the outer world but could be quite an evil with me alone.

  • does he share his money equally with you? (and do you with him!)

We are not there yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
samantha303 · 19/04/2015 13:19

Yeah the emotional abuse is quite bad in my opinion. But he said he didn't think it was that bad. He claimed that it was just banters and he said it to the counselor. I don't think he or the counselor realised how severe it is. The counselor even thinks there's cultural difference involved which led to emotional abuse. I think it's boll*

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 19/04/2015 13:20

So why are you trying to continue this relationship again?

AlternativeTentacles · 19/04/2015 13:21

But he said he didn't think it was that bad. He claimed that it was just banters and he said it to the counsellor

Well he wouldn't say it was bad, would he?

Original poster
samantha303 · 19/04/2015 13:21

He did feel guilty for hitting me, but not as guilty as me after cheating, cos Im feeling sad literally all day every day.

My parents are quite traditional. They think in a relationship, even though women should be independent, it's the men's responsibilities to be the man in a relationship, take care of us and care for us. They will never accept a guy who hit me

OP posts:
Linguini · 19/04/2015 13:21

Life is short. Just one thousand months you get if u are lucky enough to live till old.

Your partner should be the one person to fill these months with joy, support, consideration and love.

If your head is just getting messed up, live free.

Original poster
samantha303 · 19/04/2015 13:22

I want to work on it because I think maybe we could become better people and build q new relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
samantha303 · 19/04/2015 13:23

I just think forgiving myself is way harder than forgiving him. Do I really have low standards :(

OP posts:
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 19/04/2015 13:23

Don't be so naive samantha Abusers do not change. He may stop hitting you (unlikely), but he'll never stop abusing you.

Vivacia · 19/04/2015 13:24

OP forget the affair & how guilty you feel for a minute, how do you feel about him hitting you?

AlternativeTentacles · 19/04/2015 13:24

I want to work on it because I think maybe we could become better people and build q new relationship

You are what you are love.

Your relationship is what it is. And that is abusive. There is no magic wand to change either of both of you.

Seems you are not best suited. You do know that there are loads of other men out there, many of them are actually nice people?

Vivacia · 19/04/2015 13:25

Do I really have low standards I think that you have low standards and very poor self-esteem. I think that this is because you're in the thick of it all (as someone upthread just said).

Lweji · 19/04/2015 13:27

My parents are quite traditional. They think in a relationship, even though women should be independent, it's the men's responsibilities to be the man in a relationship, take care of us and care for us. They will never accept a guy who hit me

Regardless of being traditional or not, you should never accept a guy who hits you.
Both partners should take care of each other and care for each other.

I bet he didn't feel guilty at all. I bet he only did enough for you not to leave him.
It sounds like you cheated so that you felt you were worse than him and you could effectively forgive him.

Original poster
samantha303 · 19/04/2015 13:27

@Vivacia I felt sad and threatened when it first happened. I watched a BBC drama, murdered by my boyfriend back then and I was very scared. I told his mum and his best friend, neither of them asked me to leave him so I thought it wasn't that bad. Then I thought it could be just that one time and he promised he won't do it again.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 19/04/2015 13:29

What advice do you think this thread will give you that will be in anyway different to your last one?? Nobody is going to say, "You deserve this shitty relationship with this shitbag so suck it up".

Original poster
samantha303 · 19/04/2015 13:29

I think the reason I cheated is a combination of things, naiveness, inability to leave him and still love him, sadness after going through all those abuse. Sorry bad English

OP posts:
Lweji · 19/04/2015 13:30

Do you really think his mother and best friend are your best advisors?
You know your parents would tell you to leave. Your parents, who care about you, not him.

Read your other thread again. He was emotionally abusive, as well. And was supposedly "getting better". He put you down for your race, for not having friends, not fancy hobbies, not going for the jobs he thought you should and so on.

Get out. Get your self esteem up, then consider entering a relationship. With someone who actually values you.

Original poster
samantha303 · 19/04/2015 13:30

@Vivacia I know :(. I guess I just want to talk to someone. I can't talk to anyone else apart from strangers at the moment.

OP posts:
FayKorgasm · 19/04/2015 14:43

This is not a relationship worth saving no matter how much you love him. He does not love you, a person who loves you does not abuse you.

Hughfearnley · 19/04/2015 14:55

You're clearly not going to end this dangerous and abusive relationship despite having been given excellent advice here.
Whatever you do, do not have children with this low life.
I hope at some point in the future you do manage to safely extricate yourself from this toxic relationship.
There are men out there who do not beat/abuse women, who are excellent fathers, who do their share round the house, support and nurture you and build up your self esteem. It's perfectly possible for you to find such a man/relationship. I hope you realise that quickly before you come to any more harm with this pathetic excuse of a man.

Original poster
samantha303 · 19/04/2015 15:02

I just think if he can forgive me after what I've done, he must love me and will change. And I shall give him another chance. I'm sorry I'm not stubborn I just can't convince myself to leave him

OP posts: