Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's me again (some updates)

117 replies

samantha303 · 19/04/2015 12:46

Hi, I am the girl who started the thread about me cheating on my abusive boyfriend.

We had our first counseling session three days ago and he stayed over at mine twice after the session. We are going for more as we decided to work on our relationship. He is ready to forgive me and needs time to forget about this.

However, I just constantly feel sad and guilty. I don't think I can get over the fact that I have done this to him. I jus don't feel confident that I will be able to forget I was the terrible person, even though he hit me, which was not the excuse for me to cheat. I think his friends an family won't have respect for me anymore. And I can't even tell my parents he hit me because they will never want me back with him anymore.
I'm very unsure if I can get back with him knowing that I'll never be able to forgive my mistakes

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 19/04/2015 16:46

So he's said that after you get over this he will never mention the cheating again. Does that mean that you are never going to mention the fact he hit you again ?

You don't have to forgive yourself for cheating, you don't need his forgiveness. You need to realise your relationship is damaging to you both.

You are his emotional and physical punchbag. Your self worth is so low you've had an affair which sounds like it's totally out of character. Instead of this being a wake up call that it's time to walk away, you see his forgiving you as a way of him showing you his love.

That's so messed up. Where was the love when he hit you ? Have you ever hit anybody you loved ?

Never lie to yourself. You're lying to your parents about the kind of man he is so that you don't have to hear them tell you the truth. The truth may hurt, but not as much as the next time he punches you - and there will be a next time.

Deep down you probably think if only all us strangers knew him we'd understand where you're coming from. It's precisely because we do know men like him that we're posting as we are.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/04/2015 16:49

"Isn't it possible that he's just young and immature"

No. He is out and out abusive towards you. You are mired in your own denial and co-dependency issues. Emotionally healthy people do not behave as he has done towards you.

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE. Do you really understand that?.

AlternativeTentacles · 19/04/2015 16:53

I was convinced I should leave him after my first post then I changed my mind.

What changed your mind exactly?

Skiptonlass · 19/04/2015 16:54

I've been young and immature. So has everyone.

being young and immature leads to daft mistakes like getting a bit too pissed at a party and vomiting down your suit. It doesn't make you hit people. Physical violence as a way to solve issues gets left behind with the preschool stage in healthy people.

Stop making excuses for him and leave. I know that sounds harsh, but it is meant kindly, with many years hindsight having seen friends fall into this trap. Leave. Him. Now.

CharlotteCollins · 19/04/2015 16:56

Isn't it possible that he's just young and immature?

Here's how you find out:

Leave him. Get on with your life. Try again with him if you're both single in five or ten years' time.

FayKorgasm · 19/04/2015 16:57

Thats very good advice Charlotte.

Original poster
samantha303 · 19/04/2015 17:02

I showed his best friend the first thread I made on here and he thinks people on here are very biased. I just realise he's not a very nice bloke.

OP posts:
Original poster
samantha303 · 19/04/2015 17:03

Thank you so much ladies. I know I would give the same suggestions to the abusee but I do think I'm trapped at the moment. :(

OP posts:
paulapantsdown · 19/04/2015 17:04

This thread has made me sad. He has really done a number on you. Please please please end this.

Skiptonlass · 19/04/2015 17:05

Nothing is trapping you. No kids, no mortgage together.

There's a whole world of decent men out there. It's also just fine to be single . Don't settle for a guy who's at best a bit of a shit and at worst an abuser.

alphabook · 19/04/2015 17:09

He might be young and immature, but do you really think he's grown up and matured now? Someone who thinks emotional abuse is just banter and doesn't face up to what he's done?

We're not biased, we don't know you or him, we're just going on the facts. I can't think of anyone who would be more biased than his best mate.

CharlotteCollins · 19/04/2015 17:09

I think what's trapping you is that you have little or no experience of making your own decisions.

This is a hard decision to learn that skill with.

But it's going to be much harder learning to make your own decisions if you're with someone who talks you down when he should support you.

And the longer you stay with him, the lower your self-esteem will go and the harder you will find it.

Use us as support. Get support from your parents - from what others have posted it sounds like they would be supportive if they knew what was happening? Use WA as support.

Gather up all the support you can and walk away from him.

There are many decent men out there, who you would be happier with. (But do the Freedom Programme and be single for a year first.)

00100001 · 19/04/2015 17:13

you're not trapped.

Go to Mum and Dad. Ask them for help.

yes, it;s fucking hard.

Tell them the truth though. Tell them he HIT YOU!

Tell them! Tell them teeeellll them!!

go.

now.

do it!

AlternativeTentacles · 19/04/2015 17:17

I showed his best friend the first thread I made on here and he thinks people on here are very biased

Why would you do that?

Go speak to your family - people who care about you.

You can get out of this by sunset if you want to. The future is yours to take.

00100001 · 19/04/2015 17:17

Your;ve already said you don't want to tell your parents because "they will never want me back with him anymore. "

GOOD!!!

Get physically away from him right now. Go to the shops... anywhere.

Then either go to your parents and tell them or ring your parents and tell them. and get them to collect you if you need to.

You need him away from you when you do this so you don't give him an opportunity to change your mind for you, or convince you of anything.

00100001 · 19/04/2015 17:19

just get out now - get to your parents

don't go back to him on when your on your own.

don't be alone with him.

That mate of his will have told him you've been on MN and told him what everyone has said.

so go now!

Twinklestein · 19/04/2015 17:24

Listen OP, as regards your 'Relate' Counsellor.

I don't know if it's a genuine Relate counsellor, or just some person your partner found, but up until a couple of years ago it was possible to qualify and practice as a Relate counsellor after a year's training of 10 weekends + some essays.

I know this because a friend of the family trained to be a Relate counsellor as an occupation for his retirement.

Before you meet your counsellor, Relate requires you to fill out questionnaires, and if there has been domestic abuse in the relationship they are supposed to refer on to specialists in domestic abuse.

What they are not supposed to do is see the both of you together.

In practice, the aforementioned friend has been referred couples where there is domestic abuse, and he has expressed his concern about to Relate, because he was given no training in abuse (he was simply given a list of books to read on domestic violence), but he has continued to be referred people who are or were in an abusive relationship.

A good, intelligent counsellor would never suggest cutting you off from a good source of support and information (Mumsnet).

You need to stop seeing this counsellor, because your partner is going to use the sessions to abuse you.

I think you need to consider what the reaction of your family would have been if you had showed them this and your previous thread, rather than his family and friend.

I think you know perfectly well that if you talk to anyone in your family about what's going on they will tell you to leave. And they are right. They are obviously good, caring, sensible people.

HeffalumpsnWoozles · 19/04/2015 17:25

I'll ask once more, how did you feel when he hit you? Not how did he feel, I have no interest in how he felt how did you feel? Shocked? Hurt? Scared? Weak? Angry?

You are important, you are stronger than you think, you can tell your parents everything & they will help & support you. You don't need him to be happy, & of course his best friend thinks we are biased. We aren't we are trying to keep you safe. It's easy to try to see the best in someone and pray they will change but from experience I can tell you they won't. The weaker they see you are getting the worse the abuse be it EA or physical.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 19/04/2015 17:27

I showed his best friend the first thread I made on here and he thinks people on here are very biased

No, his best friend is biased. We are just a bunch of strangers on the Internet with no vested interest either way. We are not biased, just straight talking.

I echo... Why show his best friend?? Why not talk to you family who love you? If what is stopping you is knowing that they would never want him back with you... Doesn't that tell you something?

Isn't that more important than what your partner's best friend thinks??

AnyFucker · 19/04/2015 17:30

errr, his best friend is "biased"

here on MN we are strangers to you and have no investment in having a relationship with you so we comment objectively on what you write

your counsellor is shit, btw

00100001 · 19/04/2015 17:38

www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence

Lweji · 19/04/2015 18:04

he's not entirely bad. Maybe just young.

My 10 year old is young and immature. He doesn't like hitting or putting down people. He is kind and considerate, with the odd hint of selfishness and not putting himself in the other person's shoes.

Don't ask people on his side. Ask your best friend. Ask your mother. Ask a counsellor with actual experience about domestic violence.

Meerka · 19/04/2015 19:27

samantha Yes it is possible he is young and immature.

But Im afraid the chances of a long term happy ending in this relationship are very low. Possibly not nil, but the chances are against it.

Also, you may love him but not being able to forgive yoruself is really going to be a problem here.

AnyFucker · 19/04/2015 20:23

somebody so "young and immature" has no business being in a grown-up relationship, it has to be said

GoldfishCrackers · 19/04/2015 21:32

OP do you have a clear idea of what love looks like and feels like? Or are you not sure so are looking for a single 'marker' for love. I just think if he can forgive me after what I've done, he must love me and will change is an odd thing to say - it would be more usual to look at how he treats you generally, how kind and respectful he is, etc. And looking at how he treats you generally, it doesn't look good.