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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's me again (some updates)

117 replies

samantha303 · 19/04/2015 12:46

Hi, I am the girl who started the thread about me cheating on my abusive boyfriend.

We had our first counseling session three days ago and he stayed over at mine twice after the session. We are going for more as we decided to work on our relationship. He is ready to forgive me and needs time to forget about this.

However, I just constantly feel sad and guilty. I don't think I can get over the fact that I have done this to him. I jus don't feel confident that I will be able to forget I was the terrible person, even though he hit me, which was not the excuse for me to cheat. I think his friends an family won't have respect for me anymore. And I can't even tell my parents he hit me because they will never want me back with him anymore.
I'm very unsure if I can get back with him knowing that I'll never be able to forgive my mistakes

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 19/04/2015 15:03

I guess I just want to talk to someone.

So you talk to people who are clearly on his side?

Try talking to people who actually care about you - like your family.

And listen to what they are saying.

So many times we know friends or family who are in abusive relationships but the abuser cuts off their support networks because they will tell the abused person that they are being abused.

You do not have a magic wand. Your future is in your hands.

popalot · 19/04/2015 15:09

He won't change and neither will you - you both need different people to be with. Counselling is for couples who have been together and have hit a rut imo, not for an abusive relationship. When there is abuse, the relationship must end. Simple as that. You seem to be complicating things because of your guilt at cheating. You will have to forgive yourself for that, because he won't. Don't bang your head against a brick wall. you know it's time.

Lweji · 19/04/2015 15:13

I just think if he can forgive me after what I've done, he must love me and will change.

Oh, your "sin" will raise its ugly head again, you'll see. Every time you have an argument.

Hannahfftl · 19/04/2015 15:14

He hasn't forgiven you and he won't, this will just be another thing to hold over you in your relationship. Bin him.

Original poster
samantha303 · 19/04/2015 15:18

But he has promised after we get over this, he will never mention the cheating again.
I don't think I'm emotionally or physically able to cheat again. it was stupid thing to do. Shows how immature I was

OP posts:
Lweji · 19/04/2015 15:22

Do you believe his promises? Why?

He has already shown you who he is. With actions.

CharlotteCollins · 19/04/2015 15:25

He loves being with you, maybe, which is quite different from loving you. He will never end the relationship, because he is not getting hurt - as you have pointed out. And he gets lots out of the relationship - someone to make him look good, someone to have fun with when he feels like it and ignore when he doesn't, someone to blame when things go wrong, someone to hurt just for the hell of it, someone who will accept the apology afterwards and feel responsible for his behaviour.

Maybe nobody else thinks you should leave him. You can still decide to. That's one of the great things about being an adult!

I think working on yourself is a great idea. How does the idea of being single make you feel?

FayKorgasm · 19/04/2015 15:31

samantha don't kid yourself. You are a convenient punching bag both verbally and physically. Your cheating will be just another fist to beat you with.

Hughfearnley · 19/04/2015 15:36

I'm not really sure why you are posting about this. You've had good advice which you are ignoring.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/04/2015 15:36

"I just think if he can forgive me after what I've done, he must love me and will change. And I shall give him another chance. I'm sorry I'm not stubborn I just can't convince myself to leave him"

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

He hit paydirt when he met you didn't he, you are really his i.e. this abusive man's dream ticket if you think like that. Abusers do not change. How much more must he hurt you and perhaps even put you in hospital as a result for you to finally realise that he is too damaged for you to rescue and or save from his own self?.

How old are you roughly, early 20s?.

You are really your own worst enemy here to think that any of your above is true; he has really done a number on you. Will you still think that of him when he completely and utterly destroys you?. Do you actually know what a mutually loving and respectful relationship is because this is not it at all.

Joint counselling as well is never recommended where there is abuse of any sort within the relationship. He will likely tie your counsellor up in knots, besides which no decent counsellor would have ever seen the two of you together in the same room.

Original poster
samantha303 · 19/04/2015 15:44

I was convinced I should leave him after my first post then I changed my mind.
I'm not sure how good my counselor is but I did tell her Im not sure if I should talk to people about this. people on mumsnet asked me to leave. She said I shouldn't go on this forum (I'm not trying to blame her or anything but I didn't feel strange that her attitude is completely different from what you guys said about counselors).

OP posts:
Original poster
samantha303 · 19/04/2015 15:45

Did*

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 19/04/2015 15:46

But he has promised after we get over this, he will never mention the cheating again.

Aw, well as he is such a prince no doubt his word is his bond.

Or...he is an abusive cunt who will lie to you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/04/2015 15:51

Your counsellor is frankly useless, where did you find such a person?. Did your abusive boyfriend recommend this person to you?. Is this person actually qualified by a recognisable counselling body?. I would think not. This person has no idea about the dynamics of abusive relationships at all.

You need to speak to another counsellor now and without your abuser boyfriend being at all present in those conversations. Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 would be of far more benefit as well to you now rather than this particular "counsellor".

By doing as this person suggests too if you take yourself off MN, you cut yourself off from a means of support that you have found useful, if hard to accept.

00100001 · 19/04/2015 15:59

So, he's holding your cheating over you for as long as he see fit? Until he decides he's 'over it'

Do you not see how that puts him in complete control of the relationship? He will use it against you for as long as he likes. You'll be forever feeling shit, scared & guilty until he decides when he's finished feeling bad about it?

He hit you.

You cheated.

You both did terrible things - because the relationship is TERRIBLE.

And here you are right now, thinking you deserve to be treated like this? YOU're pretty much excusing and allowing his behaviour.

Yes you feel guilty. That's good. Learn from it. Move on, find a guy that treats you well, and you'll never even consider cheating.

FUCK ME, you owe nothing to this man. Get rid of him asap. Otherwise you'll be back here in 6 months going "He hit me again" or "He cheated on me, but I deserve it because I did xxx" and you will NEVER get rid of this guilt as long as you're with him.

He will use it against you. not now, but one day. He'll go "well fuck you, you cheated" you're already seemingly excusing his behaviour. How do you think this is healthy?

Moooooooove on!

There's loads of decent men out there. You don't need to waste your time with him.

alphabook · 19/04/2015 15:59

I am slightly concerned that this counsellor knows about the abuse and still thinks it's ok to have joint counselling.

FWIW, I do believe people can change. There are examples of violent criminals who have turned their lives around. But these are people who have taken full responsibility for their actions and have genuine, deep remorse. As opposed to someone who claims emotional abuse was just "banter". He might have said sorry for hitting you, but that's not genuine remorse. Therefore he is not going to change.

I also don't think you realise that him abusing you and you cheating on him do not equal each other out. Abuse is such a serious, terrible thing that it is illegal. Cheating is not.

00100001 · 19/04/2015 16:00

this counsellor KNOWS he hit you?

Just leave, please god, just leave him

AlternativeTentacles · 19/04/2015 16:03

She said I shouldn't go on this forum

Why would that be then?

This forum is made up of a plethora of individuals with different perspectives and histories. Your counsellor is one individual.

We are all saying get the fuck out of that relationship as he is an abuser and yet you choose to go with what she said.

Any counsellor who knows there is domestic violence or abuse should know full well that this is not a counselling situation, and to refer you to people who are more qualified to help you.

flippinada · 19/04/2015 16:16

I remember your previous thread. How awful to read that you want to work things out with this horrible man.

I would get a different counsellor, for yourself, and try to untangle what's going on to make you think this awful car crash of a relationship is worth hanging on to.

Meerka · 19/04/2015 16:18

He's the perfect guy to the outer world but could be quite an evil with me alone

This is worrying.

I just think if he can forgive me after what I've done, he must love me and will change.

Unfortunately if he forgives you it is not a guarentee he will love you and even if he did it is not a guarentee he will change. Just saying.

The women on this forum have an awful lot of experience but from what you've written he's not entirely bad. Maybe just young.

Whatever he is or isnt - and none of us on Mumsnet really know - i think this comes down to you, as well. You can't forgive yourself. You can't live with yourself. Forgiving yoruself is a very hard thing to do sometimes and being with him is going to make it worse. Sometimes people can come through really messing up, but sometimes they need a new start. Honestly I think that if even if someone at the end of their tether lashes out once then sometimes they can change, depending on the person. But .... I think you will be far happier in the long run if you acknowedge that this is broken beyond repair, you've hurt each other badly and if you call it quits.

If you do stay together, one piece of absolutely crucial advice. Get and keep a secret fund of a few hundred or thousand pounds as a getaway fund. Whomever you are with. Keep it secret.

Skiptonlass · 19/04/2015 16:26

Be very careful - you could end up in a dynamite where he abuses you and holds the fact you cheated over your head to justify it. So no, you can't go out with your friends (controlling, abusive) because you cheated, for example.

Abusers don't change. A man who is capable of hitting you is capable of doing it again, and abusing you in other ways...and you're in danger of putting up with it because you feel guilty about cheating.

It's a train wreck waiting to happen. If I were you, I'd find it. You cheating and him hitting you is NOT a healthy relationship.

Skiptonlass · 19/04/2015 16:29

They don't change! You're thinking that if you're just good enough, and love him enough, he'll change.

he won't.

There's this cultural, horrible thing in movies etc where the bad boy is 'tamed' by the love of a good woman (twilight being a particularly infuriating example) they do not change. Ever.

Get out now.

Original poster
samantha303 · 19/04/2015 16:41

Isn't it possible that he's just young and immature :(

OP posts:
FayKorgasm · 19/04/2015 16:43

I think that if you stay with this man this won't be your last thread here. You will be like those that have posted time and again and then just disappear. I hope they disappear because they got out but I fear they have become another dead woman. Thats not a flippant remark. Two women a week are killed by their current or former partner. Hundreds abused every day of every week.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 19/04/2015 16:43

Do you really believe that he is just young and mature, Samantha, or are you just hoping?