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Original poster

my bofriend doesn't want baby

108 replies

niccy13 · 19/04/2015 12:09

Found out a few days ago that I'm pregnant. This is my first. I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months now and I love him and I thought until now that he loved me. But since finding out I have been on a rollercoaster emotionally. First he said he didn't want it that it's an unwanted child and he hates children and it would be ruining his life. I told him that I may want it and how I felt then he turned around said that he would give it a go. Next day he again turns to me and says that he definitely doesn't want it that he would hate me and I am forcing him into this and he begged me for a termination. Saying what I am doing is worse than rape and he will break up with me and move away. Next day he comes over and we talk, he gets angry, I cry my heart out, we both say our piece then he says don't worry if you're keeping it I will be there, I'll give it a go. And we have a great day together. This morning I wake up to a whatsapp telling me he's changed his mind and definitely doesn't want a child that will ruin his life. Basically it's have a termination and we stay together and have a kid in a few years time or I keep it and we are through. I don't know what to do. I can't imagine my life without him but how can I live with myself if I get a termination.

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 20/04/2015 08:35

You have to decide what you want to do regarding this pregnancy. Do you want to have and raise a child? Make that decision. Not the decision about whether or not you want to stay with a bloke you've been with 7 months.

If an abortion is the right choice for you, then access that service. However, if you have an abortion you do not want in order to 'keep' this man, it is not impossible that you may grow to hate him. How will your relationship go if it starts out with this? What if he never wants a child? You're going to build a life with the man who told you to abort a child you actually wanted in order to stay with him and you think that won't wreck the relationship?

Plus, what happens if the relationship doesn't work out? Is he promising to stay forever? You have no idea how this relationship is going to go. In ten years time he might be whatsisname that bloke I nearly lived with once.

How someone chooses to behave in difficult situations is important, particularly if you are planning a life with them. Are you happy with how he is choosing to deal with this?

He could have chosen to wear condoms, (I assume from the blaming you bit that he did not), everyone knows that contraceptives are not 100% even when used correctly. Then there is human error. People make mistakes. An error is not a cynical deliberate act to trap someone. It's a mistake. An unplanned pregnancy from contraceptive failure or error is not a question of fault or blame. If a man does not want a child, he has to take personal responsibility for that and always wear a condom. Not be adamant he doesn't want a child but insist the woman takes responsibility for his contraception! Someone can't hand over responsibility and then bleat that things didn't happen the way they wanted.

BackCrackandNappySack · 20/04/2015 09:36

Whican that is a pretty pointless comment really, given that even if he had taken charge of contraception, if the condom had failed despite all his efforts, he'd be no better off than he is now.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 20/04/2015 09:43

Dump him for the worse than rape comment alone. Seriously - this guy is not your partner. He's a scared boy who has got himself into a situation he doesn't want and is willing to bully you until you make it better for him. That's not the actions of a partner. Whatever you decide re the pregnancy, the relationship is surely over.

BackCrackandNappySack · 20/04/2015 09:43

On a separate note I do get wildbills comments about contraception. tHere does seem an extraordinary amount of women on MN that have contraceptive failures. Surely in this day and age, where the MAP is available if barrier methods fail and the pill is 98% , and implants and injections available and convenient for the especially forgetful, perhaps there is a little 'lax attitude ' happening. The big mistake that , if he loves me, he'll want a baby - even if he says he doesn't ' definitely happens and is sold as ' a mistake' It's a very high risk strategy and rarely has a happy outcome.

kittens I totally and utterly agree with you. The number of people on here who say they've had genuine contraception failures (as opposed to they just didn't take it/use it responsibiy enough) never ceases to amaze me. I think there has to be an element of self-delusion going on in many of these cases.

BackCrackandNappySack · 20/04/2015 09:50

And of course I realise that an accidental contraception failure can be a genuine case of human error, but I do think some women take contraception in a very half hearted and lax manner, because they know they should take it, but deep down they don't really want to and would quite welcome the chance to say 'it wasn't my fault it was an accident but now it's here I'm keeping it.'

In fact I'd go as far as to say I bet the majority of women who have accidental PGs and immediately announce they could never consider a termination fall into this category.

Francescal88 · 20/04/2015 09:54

Don't get rid of it. You'll regret it forever. I fell pregnant after only six months with my partner and while it's been difficult, I could not imagine a life without my son now. Go with your gut feeling.

Joysmum · 20/04/2015 09:56

If the pill is 99.9% effective, that means 1 in 1000 will get pregnant on the pill. With condoms it's 98% effective meaning 2 in 100 will get pregnant.

Hope this helps the non-believers Wink

So please show some compassion and respect and move elsewhere for debate. Let's just stick to supporting the OP in trying to make the right decision for her at such an emotional time and remember there are lurkers in the same position who will benefit from this thread too.

WireCat · 20/04/2015 09:58

Op, best wishes to you.

Ignore the wankers on here.

BathtimeFunkster · 20/04/2015 09:58

do think some women take contraception in a very half hearted and lax manner

Well that's up to them, isn't it?

Unless they are with a man who has a similar attitude, they won't be in a position to get pregnant.

Everyone is responsible for their own fertility.

There are a fair number of men who take no responsibility and then claim that fatherhood is not something they can cope with.

You missed your chance to make that decision when you donated your sperm right into a vagina.

Joysmum · 20/04/2015 09:59

Don't get rid of it. You'll regret it forever

You can't know that as you don't know the OP and she's not you. This assertion would suggest everybody who had an abortion regrets it and that's clearly not the case.

This has to be about the OP making the right choice for HER.

dollius · 20/04/2015 10:00

In fact I'd go as far as to say I bet the majority of women who have accidental PGs and immediately announce they could never consider a termination fall into this category.

How could you possibly know anything of the kind? Who are you? God?

Madbugger · 20/04/2015 10:00

Do you work? Do you have financial support or will the taxpayer be paying to raise your child if he doesn't want to?

machair · 20/04/2015 10:10

Poor child. He/she is either going to be aborted or by the sound of it, have a father who doesn't want him/her.

Lweji · 20/04/2015 10:11

If the pill is 99.9% effective, that means 1 in 1000 will get pregnant on the pill. With condoms it's 98% effective meaning 2 in 100 will get pregnant.

In addition to this, these figures are per year.
So, after, say, 10 years on the pill, 1 in 100 women will get pregnant. And that would be using it perfectly.
For condoms, it would be 1 in 5 women will get pregnant over the course of 10 years! Humbling, wouldn't you say?

Lweji · 20/04/2015 10:13

Do you work? Do you have financial support or will the taxpayer be paying to raise your child if he doesn't want to?

The taxpayer pays to raise most children, through schools, health services, tax credits and so on.

The above statement would mean that only rich people could have children. FGS.

Lweji · 20/04/2015 10:14

Also, forgot to say, he will have to pay through the CSA, even if he doesn't want to. It's not really up to him.

machair · 20/04/2015 10:15

I wonder how many people discuss what they would do if the woman got pregnant, before having a sexual relationship?

GatoradeMeBitch · 20/04/2015 10:15

Very helpful machair I assume you're currently off around the boards putting the boot in to other vulnerable women. What about this situation is the OP's fault, that you think she deserves nasty comments like that?

blueberrypie0112 · 20/04/2015 10:16

wow, I feel like I am on a rollercoaster from reading this.

And comparing a child to rape. ugh. I don't think he is worth keeping around anyhow.. rather you keep the child or not.

MagentaOeuflon · 20/04/2015 10:18

I think this bloke doesn't want a child but he's swinging madly between saying so in the worst possible terms, then persuading himself that he can step up, then changing his mind again. The things he has said are appalling and show he is only thinking of himself (worse than rape? OMG). I think he's showing his true colours – unreliable, self-absorbed and controlling. And I think you need to get rid of him.

So the question is do you want this baby, on your own? I agree with others that taking some time to think about it, and ideally a break away from him, is a great idea.

However one thing is worrying me and that's that if he's controlling, he might be the type to get difficult as the birth approaches and start demanding to take the newborn baby overnight etc. This is quite common and it's not because it's good for the baby, it's a way of controlling the ex. I'm just mentioning that as you need to think about these things if you do plan to have it. One important point is if you are separated and you want to go it alone, don't put his name on the birth certificate.

BackCrackandNappySack · 20/04/2015 10:18

Because I think that if someone is actively trying to avoid getting PG then the immediate response to finding out they are PG should logically be one of horror and panic and doom, not 'Oh gosh how wonderful, I'm having a baby, it's been there for three and half minutes and is the size of a grape but I love it already, I simply can't imagine my life without it and I couldn't possibly contemplate having a termination.'

It doesn't make sense that someone who was trying hard only last week to most definitely not get PG would immediately have that response as often as seems to happen.

And again agree with Joysmum re: the termination thing. I think it's wrong to project your personal feelings onto someone else when it comes to whether they should abort or not. Just because it's sometimes a difficult and painful decision doesn't mean it isn't the right decision, all things considered. It's not as simple as 'Abortion = lifelong regret, whereas baby = happy ever after.'

machair · 20/04/2015 10:19

GatoradeMeBitch, the OP is certainly responsible in part, she's not a child. She's clearly unfortunate to have such an unsupportive boyfriend.

blueberrypie0112 · 20/04/2015 10:20

if a woman feel pressured to get abortion when she doesn't, it does make her feel resentful.

MagentaOeuflon · 20/04/2015 10:25

Yes but people can delude themselves. You might only realise how much you want a baby when it does happen. I think that's especially true when you're with a man who is not keen and you're going along with the "oh no we don't want a baby" thing because you're scared you'll lose him otherwise. People can convince themselves of that. (I'm not saying everyone really secretly wants a baby, but it can work that way.)

My old boss "never wanted a baby" - but actually it was her controlling husband that didn't. She would go on and on about how it wasn't for her. Her noticeboard was plastered with pictures of the babies of everyone she knew. She talked a lot about babies and how she didn't want one, oh no, not ever. It certainly seemed to most of us that she really did want one, but I think she had successfully convinced herself she didn't... until she accidentally (she said) got pg.

I'm not slagging her off and she wasn't a stupid person. It can sometimes be hard to know what it is you really want.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 20/04/2015 10:34

Everyone is right, forget about him now. Cos chances are, you have the termination and a couple of weeks down the line he dumps you. Decide to keep the baby and chances are he will dump you. Make it about you and your baby.

A true story though. DH and I were living together, in our own house, and tried for a year to get pregnant. When it finally happened I was over the moon and DH had a bit of a meltdown and wanted us to have a termination. I didn't speak to him for a week and we sort of struggled along until my first scan at 20 weeks when he had a complete change of heart and got all excited about the baby.

25 years on now, we have four kids and he is a great Dad. I guess he has made it up to me. I have never quite forgiven him though.