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Original poster

my bofriend doesn't want baby

108 replies

niccy13 · 19/04/2015 12:09

Found out a few days ago that I'm pregnant. This is my first. I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months now and I love him and I thought until now that he loved me. But since finding out I have been on a rollercoaster emotionally. First he said he didn't want it that it's an unwanted child and he hates children and it would be ruining his life. I told him that I may want it and how I felt then he turned around said that he would give it a go. Next day he again turns to me and says that he definitely doesn't want it that he would hate me and I am forcing him into this and he begged me for a termination. Saying what I am doing is worse than rape and he will break up with me and move away. Next day he comes over and we talk, he gets angry, I cry my heart out, we both say our piece then he says don't worry if you're keeping it I will be there, I'll give it a go. And we have a great day together. This morning I wake up to a whatsapp telling me he's changed his mind and definitely doesn't want a child that will ruin his life. Basically it's have a termination and we stay together and have a kid in a few years time or I keep it and we are through. I don't know what to do. I can't imagine my life without him but how can I live with myself if I get a termination.

OP posts:
WildBillfemale · 19/04/2015 13:42

When he mentions having a kid in 3 years he means if you have got to know each other properly and are committed and still together then 3 years in is about the right time to consider children. It's not a date to chalk into the calender.

He's aware that after only 7 months you don't have the foundations of a relationship to bring a kid into the world, you don't even know each other very well.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 19/04/2015 13:42

WildBill that's charming Hmm

WildBillfemale · 19/04/2015 13:46

tbh if she was 17 I'd have been a bit gentler but 28?!!c'mon

GlitzAndGigglesx · 19/04/2015 13:47

Whether YOU choose to terminate or not, please get rid of him he sounds vile. It's not for him to decide when you can have children or not. I would've got rid of him after the rape comment. He seems to have the mentality of a schoolboy. Just remember you have the final say about keeping the baby or not and don't allow someone to bully you into something you feel you may regret

Rebecca2014 · 19/04/2015 13:47

What you need to think is, can you handle being a single mother? you cannot rely on him, he is made it clear how he feels.

7 months is quite soon to be getting pregnant but what done is done and it is your body to decide, but he can also decide if he wants to be with you or have anything to do with the baby.

RabidFairy · 19/04/2015 13:53

Only you can make the choice as to whether you want to have the baby or not. Maybe that's not fair on him, but he has the choice to walk away.

If you do want to discuss the possibility of termination I would recommend a chat with BPAS. I went there at the end of last year because I found myself unexpectedly pregnant and neither my husband nor I wanted another baby. They were brilliant to talk to and helped get everything straight in my head and we opted to continue the pregnancy (I was later along than I had guessed which changed things for me). So if you do want an impartial discussion about whether or not to continue this pregnancy I thoroughly recommend them.

Good luck to you OP!

base9 · 19/04/2015 14:00

A 35-year-old, ahem, "man" told you that you keeping the baby is like rape???? Dump this sad little excuse for a dp. Wtf is he doing, bouncing around like a ping pong ball between supportive and controlling and demanding an abortion?

You have a serious grown-up decision to make about whether or not you want this baby. You need to cut him off for now as you cannot hear yourself over his utterly selfish bleating. Block him on the phone and what'sapp and FB and every other way while you find some real support.

Who can you talk to about this? Who do you trust to support your decision? Ypu need space to hear yourself think. Decide what is best for YOU.

WildBillfemale · 19/04/2015 14:01

I feel sorry for the bloke tbh, a new girlfriend he's been with a few months whom he hardly knows and now he's going to be trapped paying child support for how ever many years for a kid he doesn't want.

What was it contraceptive failure or did you take his premature baby talk as an indication he was ready to start reproducing with you OP?

Before anyone jumps on me get the OP to be really honest here.

MN is littered with posts about woman who want another child but their H's don't then ooh ha ha they have an 'accidentally on purpose' baby 'must be fate' etc or girls like OP who are in a dream of roses and romance in the early stage of a relationship and want to rush things along so get sloppy with contraception. Or the other one, the 30 something woman whose been with her partner many years but he won't commit so whoopsadaisy an 'accidental' pregnancy to force the issue - they never seem to have the 'accidental' pregnancy before their clock is ticking.

All this lying and pretence it gets tiresome.
Just admit what all women know and that is that sometimes women do deliberately try and force the situation they want with a man with a not so accidental 'unplanned' pregnancy.

WildBillfemale · 19/04/2015 14:05

which I add is a shitty thing to do

tribpot · 19/04/2015 14:06

I haven't seen any posts where people are encouraged to have an 'accidental' pregnancy when their DHs oppose it. I'm not saying they don't exist but I think 'littered' is a strong term.

Lots of people have accidental pregnancies at all times of life. If their clock is ticking they may be less inclined to terminate, that's their choice.

The man hasn't been 'trapped' into paying child support. The pregnancy was accidental. They both chose to have sex. He doesn't get to choose whether the OP terminates because it isn't his body. He does get to choose whether he walks away.

base9 · 19/04/2015 14:12

It is way too late to be discussing contraception. The baby is the reality, and the OP is the only one with valid input on the decision now. It is her body and the choice is entirely down to her.

Ignore any comments that sound like wildbill's. Your boyfriend had a chance to protect himself from unwanted fatherhood with condoms. He either chose not to use them, or they failed. Doesn't honestly matter which at this point.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 19/04/2015 14:13

Wild bill OP said that the pregnancy was unplanned, it's not up to you to question her honesty on that. Your posts are really quite unpleasant. Anyone adult who consents to have sexual intercourse is aware that is can lead to conception. They can choose not to partake, men in particular can choose to not rely on their female partner using hormonal contraception and can maintain responsibility for their own condom use. Nothing is ever 100% baby proof apart from abstinence; we all know this.

In any case- this is not really the place to be discussing theory, is it? This is where we can afford the OP some support to help her consider her options and make what decision is right for her.

Lweji · 19/04/2015 14:15

Where the fuck is there any indication that the OP planned on this baby?
The man is also responsible for contraception, as he could and should be wearing condoms. He either chose not to be careful enough, or to leave all contraception in the hands of his partner.

Where the fuck are all those posts about women trying to get accidentally pregnant? Littered? Really?

As you are not 17 I think you have given me permission to be very blunt and tell you that those are particularly shitty posts, although not surprising coming from you.

Original poster
niccy13 · 19/04/2015 14:16

Wildbillfemale No I didn't do this on purpose.I haven't tricked him. Who the Hell would. I wouldn't put this situation on my worst enemy. When I first found out I wasn't sure if I wanted it.
And in regards to forcing him into commitment we had put down a deposit on a house together the day before so need to trap him.
And I told him if did leave I didn't want anything from him including money

So sorry you got the wrong woman to air out your frustrations on :)

OP posts:
Original poster
niccy13 · 19/04/2015 14:23

*no need to

OP posts:
CMOTGilbertBlythe · 19/04/2015 14:44

Fucking hell, WildBill, you've made half that up and exaggerated the other half. Nice of you to stick the boot into a poster going through a rough time.

MiniTheMinx · 19/04/2015 14:54

mm, well some women have been known, lets not pretend it never happens.

Anyway, 7 months is too soon. I expect he may even think like wild many a man has. Of course he is torn between what he wants to do and what he thinks he should do.

I had an abortion years ago. Had been with him for three years. He said "Its up to you, its your body" indeedy do but I realised that basically he was saying "I will do the right thing but this isn't what I want" It ruined the relationship though because he never really forgave me for aborting the child. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. In my case I made the decision that was right for me because I didn't want the child. You OP must do what is right for you, forget him. He will either come round, or he won't, and whatever you do won't make any real difference to the outcome.

Kvetch15 · 19/04/2015 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 19/04/2015 14:58

That is exactly why the 3 year mark is a carrot.

It should be fine to say when he felt ready to commit. But if he brought up the children issue and put such a definitive timeline already, it sounds to me like a hook.

GatoradeMeBitch · 19/04/2015 15:02

If I were you OP I'd get rid of him first, that seems like a no-brainer to me quite honestly. Then you can think about whether you want to continue with the pregnancy - 'how do I live with a termination' is not on a par with 'I'm so excited to be a mother!' For what it's worth, you can live perfectly happily with the knowledge you had a termination, if it's what you want. Try not to confuse the issues, it doesn't have to be him or the baby, it can be neither - or maybe both...

WildBillfemale · 19/04/2015 15:13

Hello Lweji me old stalker

3 year mark - carrot? ooh those evil plotting men are all over the place eh?! still a rabid man hater then..........

and who ever else had the boring rant about 'poor desperate OP'
She doesn't sound like a woman going through a hard time, she's got the baby she talked about with a man she 'loves' they put down a deposit on a house - she has exactly what she wants except a boyfriend who is far from happy about way too much too soon - and it is.

What does she expect from mn? people to tell her the magic phrase that will suddenly make her boyfriend want this baby? she's 28 she should know it's all too soon and is a disaster waiting to happen.

Variousrandomthings · 19/04/2015 15:14

If I was made to abort against my will it would kill any love I had for my partner

GlitzAndGigglesx · 19/04/2015 15:17

And why is the woman always blamed about being sloppy with contraception?! It takes two and all...

Lweji · 19/04/2015 15:20

Sure, stalker, because I always post on threads you are on, and I only posted here after you. Or not...

On the other hand I can be very assertive in relation to twats.

Can you read your last post again and see how fantasist it is?

"3 year mark - carrot? ooh those evil plotting men are all over the place eh?! still a rabid man hater then.........."
Not sure where you get the rabid man hater. I have posted often enough supporting men in this board. Sometimes even when the OP is female.
As for evil plotting men all over the place. Kettle calling pot black? You called the OP evil plotting woman

"She doesn't sound like a woman going through a hard time, she's got the baby she talked about with a man she 'loves' they put down a deposit on a house - she has exactly what she wants except a boyfriend who is far from happy about way too much too soon - and it is."
She sounds exactly like a woman going through a hard time. Which is given by her boyfriend going in all directions after finding out she is pregnant.
he talked about babies not her

"What does she expect from mn? people to tell her the magic phrase that will suddenly make her boyfriend want this baby? she's 28 she should know it's all too soon and is a disaster waiting to happen."
From where I'm standing, it looks she wants to make it clear in her head what her course of action should be given his actions.

specialsubject · 19/04/2015 15:22

it does indeed take two. The pregnant person decides whether the pregnancy continues.

he's told you that he doesn't want a baby - pity it wasn't thought of earlier with doubled-up contraception but too late now. If you want to have the baby, chase him for financial support although don't rely on that.

so assume he has been abducted by aliens and you are going to be a single mother. Can you cope? Do you want this?

I wish you the best in the right decision for YOU.