my bofriend doesn't want baby

[niccy13]

Found out a few days ago that I'm pregnant. This is my first. I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months now and I love him and I thought until now that he loved me. But since finding out I have been on a rollercoaster emotionally. First he said he didn't want it that it's an unwanted child and he hates children and it would be ruining his life. I told him that I may want it and how I felt then he turned around said that he would give it a go. Next day he again turns to me and says that he definitely doesn't want it that he would hate me and I am forcing him into this and he begged me for a termination. Saying what I am doing is worse than rape and he will break up with me and move away. Next day he comes over and we talk, he gets angry, I cry my heart out, we both say our piece then he says don't worry if you're keeping it I will be there, I'll give it a go. And we have a great day together. This morning I wake up to a whatsapp telling me he's changed his mind and definitely doesn't want a child that will ruin his life. Basically it's have a termination and we stay together and have a kid in a few years time or I keep it and we are through. I don't know what to do. I can't imagine my life without him but how can I live with myself if I get a termination.

If he hates kids and they would ruin his life then you are not going to get one from him in 3 years. That is a no compromise position not one that may change in 3 years.

Get out of the house with him. 7 months in and with this behaviour from him you really do not want to tie yourself financially.

The child is your choice. If you want it accept that you will be doing it alone with a 'dad' popping in and out when he feels like it.

I would bin him for the vile, insulting worse than rape comment alone. How dare he say that is what you are doing when he chose to have sex with you. That is absolutely hideous and shows his real opinion of you, women and rape.

Saying what I am doing is worse than rape
There speaks a man who's never been raped.

OK OP, it's pretty obvious that your relationship is over even if you do have a termination as he really doesn't seem to be into it long term. Otherwise his response would have been surprised, but more like "hey it's early but we'll make this work". He's 35 - if he's not wanting kids now, it's unlikely to ever happen.

So your choices are simply between a termination, and being a lone parent.

Take him out of the equation and think long and hard about whether you want to create a baby on your own. What support do you have re child care, flexible working hours, maternity pay, housing, etc etc. Have a really good think, talk to your friends and family, BPAS, your GP.

Be really honest with yourself and make the right decision for YOU.

Whatever choice she makes. It's her body. Sounds like a trite phrase, but it isn't. It's her body that takes the strain of pregnancy and all the potential complications. Its her body that has to go through the labour process, or a cs. Her hormones, emotions, physical effects.
Or an abortion, it's still her body and mind. The general anaesthetic, the surgical procedure, coping afterwards physically and mentally. He can walk away at any time, unmarked.
That's the case for all women, and all pregnancies.
So don't tell me it's unfair on the man. And any decent man would realise this.

I'd tell him to leave you alone for a while so you can figure out what you want to do.

I think it's safe to assume you'll be on your own though. He's in shock, but that doesn't give him licence to behave like a total knob head. The rape comment is disgusting.

Even if you decide to have a termination, please don't stay with this bastard.

You need to think very carefully about whether you want a baby.

You need to think about you doing this as a single mum.

You make your decision based on what's right for you and he can either stay in the relationship or not if you do decide to become a mum.

Whatever you do, don't be swayed by him. After only 7 months you won't know if this relationship has legs and women who have abortions when they weren't sure will always have that hanging over them. I'm pro choice btw, but choice by the women, not some cunt who equates this situation rape

28 and 35 and acting like children, the both of you.

If you choose to keep this baby you'll have a lifetime of dealing with this guy. Every day for the next 18 years, at least. Make sure you factor that into your thinking. You'll never be able to get rid of him.

Hmmm

I don't have to deal with exH every day.

And how is the OP being childish? She simply isn't sure if she wants to have the baby or not.

I think it's just as likely she'll need to deal with him once a year, as once a day.

This whole thing happened to me when I was 19. I was forced into the termination and it was really, really awful. To make it worse I took all of his anger and blame and it wasn't until a few years later after two babies that I realised he had actually been preventing me from accessing contraception, sexually abusing me and raping me for years because he wanted me vulnerable and pregnant. The anger when I got pregnant and the rejection of the babies was just part of the abuse. So let's not make assumptions about 'evil scheming women' sometimes men who don't want babies like forcing pregnancy on their girlfriends too...

Thankfully I think both sides is relatively rare and the main problem is that many men just don't feel responsible for contraception and see abortion as just another form of contraception that women have available.

His comment about rape was awful. I too think the relationship isn't going to and shouldn't last and your choice is between a termination for your own reasons or being a single mum for your own reasons. Take him out of the equation.

The only decision you'll regret is the one you make for someone else.

I totally agree, make the decision for you and only you.

The reason I said they were acting like children is I really can't fathom why a grown woman would willingly sleep with an idiot like this in the first place. A woman of 28 should be able to use some sense when picking the men she chooses to spend her time and use her body with. Poor choices lead to avoidable dilemmas like this one.

Verbal abuse and emotional manipulation is often a prelude to domestic violence. Irrespective of whether the op keeps the baby, the op is not in a good relationship.

I feel the op needs access some kind of counselling through one of the many charities to work out what she wants from life.

Kiwi
I feel your last post is truely nasty and judgemental. I wonder if you are my other who thinks any sec outside marriage is a terrible sin ....

What is done is done. Many people have bad relationships. My first ever relationship was a very poor choice. Thank gawd I did not get pregnant with him.

Age is very important in this matter, if you were 18 or 20 I would think you are way too young and you should both decide on it.
At your age and having talked about your desire to have kids, how long you have been together is not that important. You are both grown ups. If you want to have this baby go ahead whether he is on board or not.

My husband and me met at 26/34, he lived in America, I lived in Europe. From the first hello to unplanned pregnancy - 18 months, not really a long time. But we had had the talk about kids. He said that he had not chosen the time but there was the kid that we both wanted and that he wanted to have her, no matter what happened with us. Of course he also respected if I didn't want to carry on.
Unfortunately I miscarried at 8 weeks but the grown-up man was there, taking responsibility.

I understand that your boyfriend is shocked, but his attitude is more of a teenager than a man. The yes/no shows he is not mature enough.

I agree with JoysMum

It's not just deciding whether you are ready to be a mum, but whether you are ready willing and able to be SiNGLE mum, because that's almost certainly what you will be. You can't make him want this child. If the romantic vision of the three of you as a happy little family is what you are hankering for then put that out of your mind, because it ain't happening.

But if you feel in your gut that you want this child so much that you are prepared to go it alone FROM DAY 1, then have the baby and good luck to you. But back out of the agreement on the house now, because the relationship is going nowhere. Even if he relents in the short term he will be doing it under duress and I think he will bail later in the pregnancy or very early on in the child's life. It would be much less difficult and less painful in the long run to start the whole journey alone, because you will almost certainly finish it alone.

If that idea terrifies you then it's better to have a termination. But whatever you do don't have one under duress in order to keep him you will never forgive him or yourself and the relationship will be blighted forever because of it. If you have a termination do it because you don't want to be a single mum.

If you do go ahead with the PG and later down the line once the shock and fear has worn off he decides he does want to be a family with you and the baby after all, then it's up to you to decide whether to let him back in to your life or not, and whether you can trust him.

I am a bit surprised to hear that you've put down a deposit on a house together so soon into the relationship. At 35 I would have thought that to do that he must be head over heels and thinking you are 'the one' and he's ready to settle down, in which case while the unplanned PG is less than ideal, I would have expected him to be much more accepting and a tiny bit delighted.

Personally that would make me question how much he really loved me and how committed he really was, or I'd be wondering if he's a total control freak who can't cope with anything happening out of his pre-planned sequence, in which case he'll be quite challenging to spend your life with. After only 7 months you are only just getting to see the real him and how he reacts under stress or when he doesn't get his own way, and it isn't pretty is it?

Lets all not get too fixated on the rape comment.

Of course it's not worse than rape but he clearly thinks he's been used as a sperm donor and is now being forced to have a kid he doesn't want. It is a shitty situation for him.

Yes WildBillfemale. It's a shitty situation for him. Which the OP created all by herself. He can't possibly be expected to be in charge of contraception can he, being only a poor helpless man?

If he truly thinks what you just wrote, he must have the IQ of a beetle.

No, let's get hung up on the rape comment because it showed this man to be an absolute cunt of the highest order.

You can't possibly stay in a relationship with a person that shit, that vile, that repulsive.

So first get the fuck away from the nasty, abusive, self-pitying wanker.

Then decide if you can in good conscience knowingly bring a child into the world who would have that shitbag as a father.

You're only 28. You have plenty of time to find a good man to have nice children with.

It's not him. He's awful.

He really does sound like he would go through with literally having nothing to do with you. You need to decide if you're prepared to go it completely alone, no help or money from him at all, because he is probably the type to declare himself bankrupt rather than pay any child support. Worse than rape, ruin his life... Fgs, he's not 17, he's 35. Twat.

How about suggesting you try the ridiculously radical idea of getting married before having a baby. ? When he leaps in the air 200 feet at the idea of such a commitment, you will know what commitment you can expect to you and your child. - you have taken a chance that because 'you love him' that he would be excited about a baby. Sadly that is not how it works. You cannot 'make' someone love you and want what you want. The decision about to keep or not keep has to be yours alone. Made in the knowledge that boyfriends input may well be minimal/non existent. I would book a visit to the GP and ask for some counselling to make your decision.

On a separate note I do get wildbills comments about contraception. tHere does seem an extraordinary amount of women on MN that have contraceptive failures. Surely in this day and age, where the MAP is available if barrier methods fail and the pill is 98% , and implants and injections available and convenient for the especially forgetful, perhaps there is a little 'lax attitude ' happening. The big mistake that , if he loves me, he'll want a baby - even if he says he doesn't ' definitely happens and is sold as ' a mistake' It's a very high risk strategy and rarely has a happy outcome.

There do seem to be an extraordinary number of men discussed on these threads who end up with unwanted children. It is as if they were unaware that they can control their own fertility by always using condoms.

Why would anyone post about having contraception that worked for them and not having an unplanned pg?

Bill - why do you keep using unplanned pg threads to spout self pitying comments about men being tricked into pg?

Having quite a lot of experience of mat services and recently been part of a research project in my area virtually all pg are in fact unplanned because fact is people have much less control over fertility than they think contraception gives them.

I must confess to only skimming the thread, but since when did Relationships turn into AIBU?! This is the second or third thread I've read on here the last day or so where the OP has been given a hard time.

OP - I got pregnant from a ONS, and he demanded I terminate. Personally, I said no, but either way it has to be your choice. Something tells me your relationship would not survive either of the options he has put to you.