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Original poster

DP is too strict and grumpy with my dc

84 replies

dalmatianmad · 19/04/2015 10:16

Hello all, after some much needed advice!
Been with Dp for 4 years, my dc are 14 and 11 and have little contact with their own dad due to previous DV.
Dp is a brilliant partner, he is brilliant around the house, cleans, shops, washes and irons.....
We get on really well, he is reliable and supportive all the time.
I work long shifts as a nurse and he changes his shifts to have my dc.
However, he struggles to relax around them, he is so uptight and constantly on their backs, it's driving me insane.
I appreciate that I'm too laid back but he can't see the funny side to anything, he never has fun with them.
We had very different upbringing, his parents were older and very strict so I think this is a massive part of it.
He has 2 dc from his previous wife and he sees them weekly, pays regular maintenance etc
He's exactly the same with them!
No talking at dinner table
Straight out of uniform when you walk in from school
No lounging about in PJ'S at the weekend
Homework to be done ASAP or no TV
No snacking
Early bed time

I could go on and on! He's like a Sargent major!
My older dd is a typical stroppy teenager and to him him talk she's the worse kid in the world.....
arrrgh what do I do? I love him dearly, he's an excellent role model for my dc but I can't go like this.....
Any advice???

OP posts:
Vladimar · 19/04/2015 10:19

If you think he's an excellent role model then if say his rules when he is providing child care.

Otherwise I would look at different childcare options where you can dictate the rules.

Vladimar · 19/04/2015 10:19

I'd* not if

Fairylea · 19/04/2015 10:19

How is he an excellent role model when he is a miserable sod all the time? I feel sorry for your dc to be honest. I don't mean to sound harsh but you seem to have come out of one controlling relationship into another (been there, done that myself). Your kids should be able to relax in the their own home, not live like they are in the army!

Sorry if that sounds really harsh but I'm failing to see any redeeming qualities apart from him providing childcare - which isn't of much quality or fun at all.

ElectraCute · 19/04/2015 10:20

I have also been with my dp for 4 years and my ds (12) has no kind of role model in his biological father either.

But if my dp behaved like that towards ds he'd be out of the door. No way would I stand for my child being criticised by him, let alone acting as if he's 'the worst kid in the world'.

You need to get your priorities straight.

Jackie0 · 19/04/2015 10:22

The no talking at the dinner table is an odd one , isn't it?
Most families that dine together do so to catch up on each others news and it' s an important part of a child's development to learn to converse like this.
That isn't really your problem though.
What does your dp say when you discuss this? Is he able to compromise ?

ElectraCute · 19/04/2015 10:26

Why is he an excellent role model, OP? He doesn't sound as if he even likes them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/04/2015 10:27

All his cooking and cleaning does not make up for the fact that he is being a rubbish example of a stepfather to your children, He may well be reliable and supportive in your eyes but is he really?. Is he really the ideal stepfather to your children?. It does not seem like it, you all come as a package after all and it seems to me he cannot manage your children at all.

What sort of relationship do his children from his previous marriage have with him?. You state that they see him weekly, how do they all get along with each other?. Are these children a lot younger than yours?.

Is he really an excellent role model to your children or would you simply like to think that of him?. I bet they think he is a tyrant, I wonder what they think of you. What do you think of him when he goes on at them like he does?. Do you actually intervene or do you just stand there?. They are probably happy for you on some level because you as their mum are happy, but they are being undermined here and they are not going to thank you for staying with someone like this person.

He is simply doing what his own parents did to him and look how he turned out, is this really what you want your own children to experience now?. Are you expected to eat your meal in silence at the dinner table too?.

If you really mean that cannot go on like this then you and this man will have to part ways.

magoria · 19/04/2015 10:36

This excellent role model for your DC may have them up and out the door away from you the minute they can to get away from him and by default you.

He is constantly on their backs and treats your 14 year old as if she is the worse kid in the world. Would you be hanging around with someone like that given the choice?

By the time they do their home work and have an early night how much free time do your kids get? They can't even talk at the dinner table and never get a lazy weekend to lounge around.

Mandatorymongoose · 19/04/2015 10:37

Have you talked to him about it?

My DH had much stricter parents than I am to my DD and it took him a little while to get used to my style of parenting when he first moved in, mostly because he didn't understand a way of parenting that was different to the one he'd been brought up with.

However, he didn't take on any parenting responsibility for her for quite some time as he didn't feel it was his place, so even if he disagreed with how I would do things privately he would never have made choices that contradicted my rules because he wasn't her father.

What he did do was ask privately why I did things or suggest other things he thought I could have done / he might have done and then we'd discuss them, which meant we both learnt about each others view points and styles. Which has really helped us to reach a happy balance now he does take on more of a parenting role for DD (although I still retain the majority of that responsibility because that continuity is best for DD) and we have a DS together who we share responsibility for.

Original poster
dalmatianmad · 19/04/2015 10:37

Thanks all, compared to my ex who was an alcoholic/had issues with drugs he is an excellent role model.
He works hard, is good financially, he will pick them up and drop them off at friends/activities etc.
He's just so bloody strict, he sees his dc every week, has a good relationship with his ex, he's the same with them, if he asks his to do something they do it straight away, no argument.
Whereas mine question and try and argue, they look really naughty compare to his.
I am too laid back, I like to mess around with the kids and chill out, we have lots of laughs but he just cannot relax.
I'm coming to the point where I don't think the relationship will last, but he's such a good partner, I have lots of issues, anxiety related stuff due to my previous relationship and he's so patient with me all the time.

Everyone at work comments that I'm happier, hoe much they like him (we work at the same hospital, have worked with him for 14 years) my family really like him. My dc really like him and get on well with him, is it just me that has issues?

OP posts:
Original poster
dalmatianmad · 19/04/2015 10:41

That's half the problem Atilla, I cannot let him ball my children out so I wade in and pull him up,let him know he's being harsh and tell him to relax but them he says I don't support him.
We carry on taking at the table regardless, it's what we have always done and i'm not prepared to change! He sits there in silence which is a bit odd.....
I don't want LTB, I want to make this work!

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 19/04/2015 10:43

How much time between splitting with your ex (their father?) and mining in with this guy?

ElectraCute · 19/04/2015 10:43

Does he genuinely not allow them to speak at the table? I just can't get past this! When dp, ds and I sit down to dinner it's a chance to catch up, have a laugh, talk about our day. If dp told ds he couldn't talk, I'd just be...I don't know, I can't even imagine it! He sounds like Victorian Dad.

Kids do argue and talk back. It's what they do, push boundaries. It doesn't mean they're badly behaved. He can't cope with them by the sounds of it.

JeanSeberg · 19/04/2015 10:43

moving in

juneau · 19/04/2015 10:44

compared to my ex who was an alcoholic/had issues with drugs he is an excellent role model

Oh great, so he's better than your druggie alcoholic ex??? OP I'm inclined to agree with Fairylea that you've walked out of one controlling relationship and into another that, just because its not quite as bad as the previous one, you think is just bloody great. No talking at the dinner table? Change our of school uniform the minute they come in? No lounging about in PJs at the weekends? It sounds like you're all the sodding army. You need to take your rose-tinted specs off about this man - he sounds like a nightmare to me and a stepchild myself who suffered at the hands of a controlling, angry step-father my heart goes out to your kids.

ElectraCute · 19/04/2015 10:45

Sorry, cross posts.

What is his reasoning for things like no talking, no lounging in pjs at the weekend etc? No tv before homework I understand, the rest sounds incredibly controlling, frankly.

juneau · 19/04/2015 10:46

My dc really like him and get on well with him

That's not what the rest of your post says. The rest of your post says how controlling and bossy he is with them and how he is unable to be fun. I wonder how much of it is them putting a brave face on it because he's living with you all and they can see that he makes you happy.

sunbathe · 19/04/2015 10:46

Have you asked the kids what they really think of him and his ways?

NickiFury · 19/04/2015 10:47

What a lovely warm, happy and relaxed home life for your children, what lovely childhood memories they'll have. Not.

I don't know what to advise, well I do but you wouldn't like it. Suffice to say I simply wouldn't be with a man who barked orders at my children and made them live this way.

ElectraCute · 19/04/2015 10:47

My ex also had very significant issues with drugs and booze. There was dv in our relationship too. I still wouldn't stand for someone behaving like your dp does.

Hathall · 19/04/2015 10:50

The no talking at dinner is bizarre. What does he do if you gave guests or are invited to dinner?
Some of his rules have merit and I think some strictness is good for kids but if he's miserable and has no fun with them either then the whole family will end up miserable.

He needs to chill out.

Original poster
dalmatianmad · 19/04/2015 10:50

He sits there in complete silence!
I sit there and natter away....
I started seeing him soon after I separated with their dad, didn't introduce him for about 9 months and he moved in after 3 ish years.
I wouldn't have got safely out my previous relationship without his help and support, he told him about the DV after coming into work with a black eye and he encouraged me to report it, came to police station, supported me through court, came round in middle of night when my ex was trying to force his way into my house, came round when my ex smashed my car up with a sledge hammer, he was there when he was stalking me.....
He did all of this as a friend/work colleague and it developed from there.
Without his support I wouldn't have got through it, maybe I feel as though I owe him something??

OP posts:
Original poster
dalmatianmad · 19/04/2015 10:53

I haven't come on here to be slated! I'm here for advice and support!
I know that his behaviour isn't normal and i'm trying to put my dc first. They are my priority, this is why I'm asking for help ffs

OP posts:
ElectraCute · 19/04/2015 10:54

You were at a very vulnerable point when your relationship began, weren't you? I'm not suggesting he played on that, necessarily, but I think you are very close to the truth when you talk about 'owing him something'.

You don't though, you know that, right?

LaurieFairyCake · 19/04/2015 10:55

I think he does sound like a good guy, just struggling to adapt to a different parenting style like yours particularly since he's parenting his own kids sergeant major style.

It's not helped by you relying on him while you're working shifts, it's not fair to expect him to parent more like you when his default position on his own is his style of parenting. It's like you're relying on him but not backing him up when he does it his way.

It would be better if an alternative childcare was used so that you were around at the times he is so you can set the tone. He needs to parent your children less really.

I don't think its insurmountable as he's kind and patient with you, he's just defaulting to the wrong position with this because he feels responsible and can't relax.