DP is too strict and grumpy with my dc

[dalmatianmad]

Hello all, after some much needed advice!
Been with Dp for 4 years, my dc are 14 and 11 and have little contact with their own dad due to previous DV.
Dp is a brilliant partner, he is brilliant around the house, cleans, shops, washes and irons.....
We get on really well, he is reliable and supportive all the time.
I work long shifts as a nurse and he changes his shifts to have my dc.
However, he struggles to relax around them, he is so uptight and constantly on their backs, it's driving me insane.
I appreciate that I'm too laid back but he can't see the funny side to anything, he never has fun with them.
We had very different upbringing, his parents were older and very strict so I think this is a massive part of it.
He has 2 dc from his previous wife and he sees them weekly, pays regular maintenance etc
He's exactly the same with them!
No talking at dinner table
Straight out of uniform when you walk in from school
No lounging about in PJ'S at the weekend
Homework to be done ASAP or no TV
No snacking
Early bed time

I could go on and on! He's like a Sargent major!
My older dd is a typical stroppy teenager and to him him talk she's the worse kid in the world.....
arrrgh what do I do? I love him dearly, he's an excellent role model for my dc but I can't go like this.....
Any advice???

It sounds to me as if the OP is ricocheting from one extreme to another. The chaos of a relationship with an alcoholic to one with somebody who can do structure but is way too rigid. I can see that the latter might appear preferable.

On the other hand, I think children do benefit from consistency and the one (relatively) consistent person in their life appears to be their mother.

My father was very over-controlling and sat through mealtimes scowling at us whenever we dared to speak. It was dreadful. He's dead now and I still think about how much I hate him and how much he damaged me. (Outwardly I'm fine now , but his behaviour did really affect me as a teenager and a young adult - and not for the better.)In my opinion love is about making the effort to realise what other people need to make them flourish.

If a partner can't or won't see that, I really would ask myself whether the relationship was beneficial to the children.

Missymarmite-I feel for you and agree with you.
In many areas Relate offer whole family counselling-but usually best to start with just the couple.
You can test the waters and see how much potential there is for change.

I don't think your son would meet the threshold for a CAMHS referral and it seems wrong to label him as the one with the problem but CAMHS also offer family therapy and parenting advice.
I think I would start with relate and see what else they can suggest if they can't help.

the talking at table is too much but the rest of it im in ageement with. i think its a good thing that one parent is strict, kind of the good cop/bad cop scenario. and as their birth dad isnt around i think your dp actually is a good role model. get him to lighten up more and have fun with them, book a day out go karting and see him act like a big kid. relationships are problematic but id be working on his flaws before ending it. as you say, dc really like him and as they hit their teens you may be grateful for his support.

If bs doing the washing and ironing then I don't see why you have a problem with the dcs changing out of uniforms. Longing around in them or playing out and getting them dirty causes him more work, so the two minutes it takes for them to change is not really a big deal.

If he's cooking, the dcs filling themselves up on snacks before dinner is a pain if they then don't eat their meal. If he's been looking after them all afternoon then I can understand why he wants them in bed at a sensible time so the gets a bit of time to unwind.

Apart from the no talking at the table thing, I'd say he has some good rules and if they were implemented with a bit more humour then there would be nothing wrong with them in my book.

In fact I'd welcome a partner who was more of a parental figure than another one of the dcs! Mine is lovely, but I do sometimes think he could do with stepping up a bit and getting stricter. He makes me look like the bad guy when I try to enforce rules about eating, snacking, bed etc.

"Children should be seen, not heard."

This philosophy had caused so much grief on children. They even got physically punished. You are doing fine, OP.

Except for the silence at meal times, the rest seems normal to me. Changing out of uniform so doesn't get dirty. Homework before tv is fine. Pjs rule can be relaxed.

Sorry not controlling but discipline.

The talking at table thing is weird.

The other rules are strict, but acceptable. However, it seems very unfair that the DCs have been used to a much more relaxed set up, then suddenly a new man comes into mum's life and now they're at boot camp!

Surely there is a compromise to be found between rigid and lax?

He needs to chill a bit

You need to back him up a bit

Give and take

My kids are this age (well, 10 and 13) and I find it is all about routine and respect, and defining boundaries. Dinner chat is essential to that! Having a laugh and mocking eachother a bit without overstepping the mark. The kids learn to be relaxed around adults and joking around, without taking it too far. A gentle reminder is usually enough.

It is really a team effort though, you need to discuss ground rules with him.

Yeap, another one thinking that Meerka has hit the nail on the head and it is much too early to call it a day on your relationship.

Like many others the thing that most jars is the idea of no talking at the table. You say your children love him so that is a very good sign.

Try to negotiate the talking at tables and then maybe see about a parenting course.