DP is too strict and grumpy with my dc

[dalmatianmad]

Hello all, after some much needed advice!
Been with Dp for 4 years, my dc are 14 and 11 and have little contact with their own dad due to previous DV.
Dp is a brilliant partner, he is brilliant around the house, cleans, shops, washes and irons.....
We get on really well, he is reliable and supportive all the time.
I work long shifts as a nurse and he changes his shifts to have my dc.
However, he struggles to relax around them, he is so uptight and constantly on their backs, it's driving me insane.
I appreciate that I'm too laid back but he can't see the funny side to anything, he never has fun with them.
We had very different upbringing, his parents were older and very strict so I think this is a massive part of it.
He has 2 dc from his previous wife and he sees them weekly, pays regular maintenance etc
He's exactly the same with them!
No talking at dinner table
Straight out of uniform when you walk in from school
No lounging about in PJ'S at the weekend
Homework to be done ASAP or no TV
No snacking
Early bed time

I could go on and on! He's like a Sargent major!
My older dd is a typical stroppy teenager and to him him talk she's the worse kid in the world.....
arrrgh what do I do? I love him dearly, he's an excellent role model for my dc but I can't go like this.....
Any advice???

Do your children like him op? Have they complained about him?

I can't get past the no talking at the dinner table - is this just for children or is he trying to tell you to sit in silence too? Either way it's not good.

The things you mention are not about good/bad behaviour - they're conventions and it's a bit odd for him to move in and say your DC should eg change clothes at a certain time. I'm all for compromise but this stuff shouldn't even affect him. It's weird. Has he explained why he wants to change your house conventions? What happens? Have you agreed to go along with his rules or do the DC go along with whoever is home at the time? If they get it wrong does he just start shouting when someone has a snack?

Dalmatian,

re your comments in quote marks:-
"I don't anticipate he will be difficult if we separate, he's very easy going with me, just not my children!"

Hmm, think he will become far less easy going towards you once you tell him that you are going to separate.

"He knows how I feel, I think one last conversation to try and make things right, he is a really decent man but crap at parenting!"

You call this man still a decent man?!. Ok he works and cleans house but look how he behaves in your house towards your children. That comment also shows me all too clearly how skewed your own boundaries are when it comes to relationships in particular. They were messed up by your ex and probably before him too.

You've already tried talking to him before. This comment of yours from earlier is very telling, "I wade in and pull him up, let him know he's being harsh and tell him to relax but them he says I don't support him". That is what you're up against and that type of attitude he shows can be impossible to at all change, he turns it all back to you. Also his own parents are similar in nature.

"I don't feel like he "got me when I was vulnerable" and I do believe that without him I wouldn't have got out my previous relationship alive!".
YOU got yourself out, not he. You infact owe this man nothing, certainly not the chance for him to emotionally tear your children apart. This man certainly gave you a further sense of obligation to him, a sense of obligation you already had.

Indeed it is teaching your children that they are less important,

And they aren't, are they?

Sounds like a wanker. Aren't meal times together supposed to be for chatting?

I volunteer in child protection, and I'm concerned re. your children's emotional welfare. You mention one child as having OCD and the other child as having challenging behaviour, I hope that your children have or are still receiving support from CAMHS or other support. Children are often overlooked when there has been DV, and their mental health suffers, also they still have contact with their biological father, who continues to be controlling and manipulative. When they have witnessed violence, they can also show PTSD symptoms.
Also, they learn about relationships from their parents, and they tend to end up in abusive relationships themselves.

I think the OP is getting a hard time here. This guy sounds like a decent man, but with ridiculously old-fashioned views picked up from his parents. At least he is consistent and treats his step DC the same as his own DC.

OP, you need to talk to him again. You say "we've had conversations in which I've agreed to be more hands on and he's agreed to chill but it doesn't last" - have you specifically addressed the list in your OP, and agreed on a joint approach to each issue that you're both happy with?

Eg
No talking at dinner table - this is the weirdest one - does he agree in principle that he's wrong?
Straight out of uniform when you walk in from school - I can't see much harm in this
No lounging about in PJ'S at the weekend - maybe a compromise such as 'everyone dressed by lunchtime' would work?
Homework to be done ASAP or no TV - as long as homework is done in time, I don't think it matters when it's done
No snacking - what are your own views on this?
Early bed time - OK if the DC are allowed to read in bed for a while

and so on.

This guy sounds like a decent man, but with ridiculously old-fashioned views picked up from his parents

No, he doesn't. Sorry to be blunt.

I don't think you should be criticising/negating his views in front of the kids. That's out of line. (Unless he was verbally or physically threatening or abusing them, obviously.) And it's probably the main reason your kids don't respect him. Why would they, when their mum clearly doesn't?

I think he sounds like a good parent. The no-talking thing is weird, but everything else sounds strict but sensible. He balances the strictness with helpful, supprtive things like driving them places, looking after them, etc, so I don't think he's cruel or unreasonable.

Really - the perfect balance is somewhere midway between both of you. You shouldn't be so lapse and lazy, and he shouldn't be quite so severe.

But I do think YABU to accept his help and then criticise him. If you really disagree with him, dump him.

I think the op wants to see if things can change so it's only fair if people can suggest things that could help.
If things don't change, then the op has said she knows what to do.

I think that firstly, your dp needs to realise that not talking at the table is not normal. The table is a wonderful time to talk. Show him articles. Google benefits of talking with the family at dinner etc.

Give dp a warning and then bring everyone together for a family meeting. Make it a nice and informal affair and allow everyone to express how they think family life in your house can be better.
Warn everyone that it's not going to be a slanging match but genuine ideas of what improvements can be made and what compromises can be reached.
Then hold this meeting regularly like every Sunday evening to go through any issues from the previous week and to keep things on track for the following week.

Some stuff on family meetings. I know it seems all American and artificial but it could help
www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/family-life/family-meetings

If you can't talk it through yourselves I think that this is a situation where couples counselling or even family therapy may help before deciding on separation.
I understand Relate do some whole family work but it might be an idea to get help as a couple first.

I don't think you should be criticising/negating his views in front of the kids.

I don't think he should be imposing rules on your children in your home. That is not his role imo.

Oodles and peppermint why comment if you are being so negative? Not helpful at all.
Maybe I exaggerated the silence at meal times, we don't sit in complete silence, that would be ridiculously controlling, he doesn't agree with sitting and chatting though, for me dinner time is chance to sit and catch up about the days events.....
I know he struggles with my dc, I do at times.
They don't have CAHMS input, it's not necessary at the moment but I expect that it could change.
MY dd is a typical moody teenager and my ds has OCD which we manage with support from school and the school nurse.
Thank you to everyone that has offered me good advice, it's very much appreciated, to those being negative and calling him a wanker, not needed.

Because I think you're in denial about how awful he is. He sounds like a wanker and I wouldn't subject my children, my most precious people to this kind of controlling from their father let alone some boyfriend.

You've already said it - you know what you need to do.

Good luck, and focus on how much nicer your home life with your children will be when you get him out of there.

dalmation you said he's willing to compromise and you try to be a bit stricter and he tries to be looser but it never lasts.

Could both of you benefit from a parenting course? Triple- P is supposed to be very good. I've seen a couple of small sheets from it and it sounds sensible stuff.

He sounds joy-killingly strict but as though he means well. You say that I never back him up, to a certain extent my dc can do no wrong. Actually kids can do wrong and they need boundaries desperately. They need that security, much as they will fight it (though im sure you know this).

Could you try to work with him on one thing at a time eg the talking at mealtimes - ask him to join in. If he consciously decides that he needs to do this in order to lighten up, choose this one thing and he will probably manage it. then work on the other thigns one by one ... and the same for you too. If you disagree with his disciplining, do so afterwards and in private. Atm I imagine your children know they can play you off one against the other. Which makes everything worse.

If it's any help I come from an extremely controlling background in the early years and have previously gone in way too hard on things. I've (gladly) had to learn to l back off. I simply haven't always known where a reasonable line is between letting them breathe and between them getting away with too much. So I took advice and we seem to be steering a much better course now.

I hope you can find a way foreward between you.

Ok so he was your rescuer, so you see him as your white knight.

It sounds as if he took advantage of the fact that you were vulnerable to get control of you.

You didn't actually have time to get over the previous relationship and establish independence before you went straight into relationship with him.

I'm comparatively strict myself, but the uniform and no talking at table is just a bit barmy tbh. The latter really important part of family life, good bonding time, time to talk about interests, what's going on in the world etc.

Oops, forgive me, I skipped a page.

Good luck OP!

I really can't get my head round the "no talking at the dinner table" one.

It seems so freakish, outdated, and incredibly controlling. Glad that you and the DC ignore it and natter away. Hope you're able to keep that up in the face of his continued attachment to that rule.

Why doesn't he agree with children talking at the table?

He sounds like a Victorian dad, while you sound like the total opposite.

I agree with what Meerka is saying.
I don't think its fair to jump to the conclusion that he is a total wanker-although the way he is treating your kids isn't acceptable and sounds as if it doesn't make for a relaxed family life.

Your children will have been affected by the previous DV and will have had a model for treating you without respect.
Ask yourself honestly if you are too tolerant of disrespect from them or not.
Your DP need to build up a relationship with them before trying to set rules.
Its important that he listens to them, takes an interest and has a laugh with them.
The not speaking at mealtimes thing sounds odd. Were they raising their voices, arguing etc.?

You sound very polarised in your parenting with very different limits and a parenting course could really help.
Also do think about Relate.

I would get on to it quickly though as the present situation is bad for your children and, as you said, if it doesn't change you know what needs to happen.
I wouldn't give up on a relationship with a lot of positives though without giving outside help a try.

Can you not try and sit down with your dc and come up with mutual house rules that you all agree with? Perhaps some compromise on both sides, if that's how he was brought up he won't know any different. Your dc are old enough to have a mature conversation about house hold rules and if they're involved in the decision making are more likely to stick to them. Maybe if your dp hears direct from your dc how they feel when he's barking orders at them it might make realise how upset this makes them rather than hearing it from you.
Some of his rules seem like good ones others are absolutely baffling. I think he has good intentions but channelling this in the wrong way.

It sounds very similar to the issues I am having with my DH. I wasn't the victim of DV though, just a rubbish absent father.

I think a lot of posters are prone to jumping on the LTB bandwagon! Just because a man is grumpy and strict, doesn't make him a bad parent, or a bad partner. What is does mean is that your kids may well end up resenting your DP. This is what has happened with my DS, who is currently acting out. He has run away from home 3 times, we have had to call out the police to search for him, and he is miserable all the time. This of course only started happening when we had to ground him for a serious misdemeaner. Before that they were rubbing along ok.

What I'd like to know is what help is there available for families that are struggling like this? I feel like I am stuck in the middle, OP! I know that I am too soft and touchy feely, before meeting DH my son was starting to get out of control. But sometimes DH is too strict, too grumpy, and although he loves all our kids, he doesn't know how to talk to them. Despite that, he is loving, cares about them deeply. If we lived in the pre war era no doubt he would be the ideal father. It is like some men have stayed in that era when it comes to discipline, and they cannot understand that times have changed.

I think that breaking up a family (again) without attempting to sort things out would be more harmful in the long run. ATM, my son says he just wants us to go back to being just us. But would caving in really be the best thing? I feel for you OP, and I am watching carefully to see if anyone can give some practical advice that doesn't involve another broken family.