"I'm coming to the point where I don't think the relationship will last, but he's such a good partner, I have lots of issues, anxiety related stuff due to
my previous relationship and he's so patient with me all the time".
What do you get out of this relationship with this man?. Not what he does in terms of cooking etc but your own emotional needs, what needs of yours does he meet here?.
A person can never act as a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship.
I think your ideas on what actually constitutes a good partner are well skewed, this has also happened as a result of your own previous relationship. I would also ask you what you learnt about relationships when growing up. Do you actually know what a mutually loving relationship is because this certainly is not it and your previous relationship was not either.
Your anxiety related stuff may well be linked to co-dependency which often arise in relationships where alcoholism features. This is something which your current bloke has also picked up on and has come to exploit in you. He uses your own anxiety based issues against you. You may on some level feel like you cannot be capable without this man in your life. This man fulfils some innate (perhaps codependent) needs of yours. Would suggest you read up on co-dependency and see how much of that fits in with you.
As for this part of your comment:-
"My dc really like him and get on well with him, is it just me that has issues"
Well you can believe that all you want (denial is also a powerful force) but the evidence in front of your eyes is contrary to that. HE does not get on well with them. I think your children will leave home asap if you were to choose to stay with this man. Your own relationship with them going forward could be irreparably harmed as well because they will view you as putting him before them.
I also think that HE has issues with your children and by turn you. He sees you as too laid back and over accommodating to them.
He is certainly not patient with your children and treats like they are in the army. I think you were targeted by this man and I do not think he is at all patient with you really. He certainly does not accept you all and I would think his acceptance is completely conditional.
You have basically gone from one previously poor relationship into yet another ultimately poor and unsatisfactory one where this time this man is emotionally backbiting your children. I am also not all that surprised to read such comments from your family and friends but they do not have to live with him day to day as you and your children have done. There are thousands of people out there who are not what they seem and people at work can put on a completely different persona to that at home. Abusers can and do appear very plausible to those in the outside world.
He ultimately therefore needs to leave and you need to get him out of your day to day lives.
If you have never done the Freedom Programme by Womens Aid, I would suggest you now do so along with in the longer term totally reassessing what you have learnt about relationships to date. I think as well that if you were to really lay down the law here about him and the way he treats your children he'd be off like a shot. He will accuse you of all sorts.