Is DH behaviour normal or is it emotional abuse.....

[supersmashinggreat]

I've read other threads about this but really have no where to turn, I feel like I'm going mad and that nobody will believe me......but last night was the a turning point that prompted me to post here for advice.

I think that I am being emotionally abused, but I'm not sure if it's me...so if I could explain could you see if you think that this is normal behaviour from a husband and father??

Last night I had a particularly tricky bathtime with my DD age 7, she is really hard work and has tantrums/meltdowns so has to be handled in a calm way.....anyway she was kicking and screaming in the bath - not unusual - when I asked to get her out she was adamant she wouldn't so i had to lift her, she was kicking and splashing getting angry but I remained calm, explaining it was time for bed...anyway at the pinicle of the tantrum DH comes home from a hard day at work and starts to explain why it was so bad I uummed and arrhedd and he said oh do you know what it doesn't matter it's always about you isn't it...' he could see how hard it was for me with my lovely girl but huffed off. I detatch myself and he doesn't get why I am being so moody and distant. He has had a much harder day than me, what do I know about hard work etc

he has been recently been made bankrupt, didn't speak to me about it for months, sorted it all out with his Dad even though it has a massive impact on our family. He is lying to both me and his family about his spending, blames me for my low income.....anyway because of this he is using my bank account and had to take my card last night, I said that I was struggling after a large and unexpected VET bill - his Dad transfered money into my account and he took it all out leaving me with nothing saying it was 'his money' and that I should go out and find some' he spends money like water whilst I have to penny pinch and go without. last night he told me that I am not a proper wife, tells me I'm a lair, swears at me. If I don't want him (sexually) there are plenty of women who do, other people find him attractive why don't I, it's my fault he is like this because all he wants is my love, he thinks I don't show him enough love or passion, sympathy or empathy. When I go out he texts me on average 10-12 times a night, I can't be myself as I am nervous, yet he can be out all night as he is stressed because of his business/bankruptcy. I've started recording incidents on my telephone so I can listen back, but after every time he says it's stress and he is sorry he loves me....he can't do though can he.....???? We have two beautiful children and it breaks my heart xxx

Have you seen a solicitor? Because normally the house is a marital asset no matter whose name it is in.

His parents are going to pay the OR his half of the equity after the 12 months are up and transfer the title to me x

Surely OP, if you are married in the UK it doesn't matter whose name the house is in. I'm a legal expert, but I've been reading mumsnet for years now. I mean, even if the house is put in your name, you would still only get half the equity, as you would right now.

So get thee to a solicitor and find out the facts.

I agree. I think you are sleepwalking into a situation you have no clue about. You need legal advice.

OP, please feel free to ignore me, but you mentioned that he was a member of A/work, but didn't believe he was spending more than £30 per month because you had done a thorough search.

I take it that you are aware, that most correspondence is not done via the site, but via private emails or phone calls..

It just seems an extraordinary amount of cash that he's taking out.

Have you seen a solicitor, they usually give 1/2 hour of free advice (so you can judge if you can work with them).
I wouldn't let him use my bank card (that is breaking the terms and conditions of the account) give him cash for what he needs. The money BTW isn't his but his creditors.

Duh, perdón I'm a legal expert should read as I'm NOT a legal expert

I have friends who are lawyers, I could ask, but all of our finances have always been separate - aside from the mortgage - I can not risk loosing our home, we live in the SE and there is no way I could even afford to buy a bedsit on my own in the area we live in and I can't leave it with work and friends so close by, children are so happy in their schools and with their social groups. I have to put my trust in his parents I'm sure they have no reason to lie and wouldn't see us turffed out. Like you say I will get legal advice and also try to speak to his trustee for confirmation. I'm also monitoring his spending and our household budget, mortgage and bills paid first and foremost then kids stuff, I feel much better about that now at least!!

Ask a good family lawyer, everything I have ever seen on mumsnet indicates that such things as the family are joint property.

yes there are, but his parents and the business are affectively buying him out - by giving his trustee his half of the equity. He hasn't paid any bills since December so owes nearly a grand to Atlantic for gas and electric it's such a mess but I'm getting there, sticking to my guns, being firm but fair and keeping everything as normal as possible for DS and DD, calm and caring is the way forward.....and I have to stick at it...for a year at least....i know that so much of his shit is because of stress, but I am also not going into anything blindfolded nor I am taking anything on face value, taking what he says with a pinch of salt, and protecting myself, I feel well informed now and in a good place, I am not taking crap and feel in control. It's him not me and that feels so much better xxx

Still ok a few blimps and not able to talk about what the heck he spends 200 quid on in two days.....he did pay for dinner and drinks on a rare night out but still 140 not accounted for! Not sure if I'm being unreasonable.....

No you are not being unreasonable and he needs to be gone from your lives now. You are basically trying to keep this leaky old tub together and its not working.

Another year of staying within this will simply give him another year of abusing you and by turn your children as well.

First off don't give him access to your account get the card back and hangs the pin at an atm

That's change the pin. Bankrupts can get bank accounts

Open a second bank account OP, with a totally different bank provider. Then you start moving money over there to protect it. Hide it, do NOT let him know you have it. If you get tax credits or any other benefits, get them put in there instead. Make sure the account he's using doesn't have an overdraft facility so that he can't get you into anymore trouble financially.

I can understand why you want to stay for 7 months, but you have to put in place some protective measures for that period of time.

Use this time to set yourself up best as you an. Do you have a job? I can't see that you've mentioned one. You could try to use this time to get some employment, or do some training in order to maximise your employment chances after you leave.

Yes I work part time, 30 hours a week. My pay isn't bad I have a loan and credit card from when I was off on maternity not earning any money and then paying high childcare costs. I know that it will be so much harder on my own and I'm scared. I also know that it can't go on as it is. I have tried to talk about it and will do so again once he has been to see his trustee this week. I just want a loving happy United relationship, it's tough realising that's not what I've got with the man I love xxxx

Without a sulky man child taking money out of your bank account I'm sure you will find it much easier

I'm guessing he didn't step up whilst you were on mat leave and you still had to pay the same amount for bills etc to sub his drugs/gambling/prostitute habit

Well paid the mortgage and bills but no money for me so I had to use credit for my own expenses and bills.We've never had a joint account or anything similar it's his money and mine so I didn't expect any support in that way. I have to be really desparate to ask him for any money, it's a really sticking point and always has been, he has earnt a hell of a lot more than me but when I suggest paying into a joint account an amount proportional to our salaries he said that I would say that wouldn't I! To be honest I am too chicken to leave, too scared and have so low self esteem I don't think I could do it. I am miles from my family and do have a good group of friends but noone I can really talk to about stuff, other than just moaning about 'men' in general and shrugging it off as normal, everyone has their problems too and I hate to burden people. I internalise all my emotions so I over analyse things in my head and think that it's me and that I am at fault. My confidence is shot to pieces I was asked this morning why I was so bloody thick and stupid, words like that drip into you so you eventually think you must be! I cry when I can't cope with a conversation, I'm pathetic, why don't I get it, don't question every single fucking thing..such a lovely manner! Today I don't like him a jot

Did you get anywhere with Women's Aid, OP?

Sorry to hear you are still in the thick of it.

I've just reread this thread thinking what a fool I am to still be here, in the thick of it. The difference now is I have spoken to two friends, but my self esteem has been eroded further, more lies, more untruths, more abuse....I just wish I had the strength to leave.....I don't know what to do...he is lying to his parents now too....maybe he has all along...last night he ranted at me swearing for three minutes because I just said I wanted him to be honest with me...he is so defensive that I know damn well something is wrong.

You want to leave, you think you are a fool for staying.

What is stopping you from leaving?

fear, not being able to afford the mortgage on my own, the unknown, being alone....my esteem is so low I have zero confidence in myself - I am told that I wouldn't be able to cope, that I am a stupid bitch....I will though, really I will I just need to gather strength xxxxx

I'm so sorry to read that you're still with this arsehole almost 18 months on from first starting this thread. You must be so tired by now.

I'm glad to hear that you have started telling people IRL about how unhappy you are and how abusive he is - do you feel that you could call WA for some help?

Where do you find your strength? How can you reduce his kryptonite effect?