Is DH behaviour normal or is it emotional abuse.....

[supersmashinggreat]

I've read other threads about this but really have no where to turn, I feel like I'm going mad and that nobody will believe me......but last night was the a turning point that prompted me to post here for advice.

I think that I am being emotionally abused, but I'm not sure if it's me...so if I could explain could you see if you think that this is normal behaviour from a husband and father??

Last night I had a particularly tricky bathtime with my DD age 7, she is really hard work and has tantrums/meltdowns so has to be handled in a calm way.....anyway she was kicking and screaming in the bath - not unusual - when I asked to get her out she was adamant she wouldn't so i had to lift her, she was kicking and splashing getting angry but I remained calm, explaining it was time for bed...anyway at the pinicle of the tantrum DH comes home from a hard day at work and starts to explain why it was so bad I uummed and arrhedd and he said oh do you know what it doesn't matter it's always about you isn't it...' he could see how hard it was for me with my lovely girl but huffed off. I detatch myself and he doesn't get why I am being so moody and distant. He has had a much harder day than me, what do I know about hard work etc

he has been recently been made bankrupt, didn't speak to me about it for months, sorted it all out with his Dad even though it has a massive impact on our family. He is lying to both me and his family about his spending, blames me for my low income.....anyway because of this he is using my bank account and had to take my card last night, I said that I was struggling after a large and unexpected VET bill - his Dad transfered money into my account and he took it all out leaving me with nothing saying it was 'his money' and that I should go out and find some' he spends money like water whilst I have to penny pinch and go without. last night he told me that I am not a proper wife, tells me I'm a lair, swears at me. If I don't want him (sexually) there are plenty of women who do, other people find him attractive why don't I, it's my fault he is like this because all he wants is my love, he thinks I don't show him enough love or passion, sympathy or empathy. When I go out he texts me on average 10-12 times a night, I can't be myself as I am nervous, yet he can be out all night as he is stressed because of his business/bankruptcy. I've started recording incidents on my telephone so I can listen back, but after every time he says it's stress and he is sorry he loves me....he can't do though can he.....???? We have two beautiful children and it breaks my heart xxx

Dd is very feisty and strong willed she is always been much more difficult than my son who is now 12 a completely different character. She's a lovely girl but does have tantrums and likes to get her own way quite often I don't know if she is on the spectrum I suspect she is slightly but the school have no worries over her I've spoken to them. I'm going to call women's aid tomorrow just talking here is helped me immensely I haven't spoken about this to anybody at all for now and thought it was me I do really appreciate everybody's help and advice and kindness. The first thing I am going to do is go through his spending and to try to make sure we've enough money to see us through the month and pay bills which she hasn't been doing at all.

Good idea, OP. And I second the idea about pulling out the plug on the bath. It's non-confrontational: first, you say, "Two more minutes, then it's time to get out." Two minutes later you pull the plug out and say, "Do you want to get out now or when the water's gone?" And then if she kicks up a fuss, she's choosing to stay in a bit longer...

Good luck with WA. They are brilliant, but can be very busy during the day, not so much in evenings, so keep trying if you don't get through first time.

Hi there OP
We've moved this to relationships for you
Kindest

"Good idea, OP. And I second the idea about pulling out the plug on the bath. It's non-confrontational: first, you say, "Two more minutes, then it's time to get out." Two minutes later you pull the plug out and say, "Do you want to get out now or when the water's gone?" And then if she kicks up a fuss, she's choosing to stay in a bit longer..."

Or give her an incentive to get out of the bath, like the prospect of a cuddle on the bed with you and a nice story.

The whole of family life sounds extremely stressful for you and she could be picking up on that.

I'd be kicking this particular "D"H to the kerb pretty sharpish tbh. He's irresponsible. He's cruel. He's selfish.

My DS2 is 7 too OpP and has always been spirited and challenging. I left my abusive H 7 months ago and guess what? My DS's behaviour has improved vastly. Don't under estimate the impact on your DD it us emotionally VERY difficult for children living with domestic abuse. To watch one of your parents (who is meant to protect and navigate you as a child through the world) abuse your other parent places that child on shifting sands. It's very very tough on them and their tumultuous emotions manifest in their behaviour. This was a hard lesson learnt for me but I am trying to redress this by creating a home that is as stable as possible. I will never live with anyone else but my children now.

She is really rude, shouts and speaks to me and him in a curt way, she's very high maintenance I can't leave her which suggests something is troubling her I tend to smother her and her brother with love and gentleness xx I am feeling so much stronger for talking to you don't feel so alone, my family live five hours away. I really appreciate it xxx

Now you've actually had your eyes opened, you can't ever shut them again. Think back to situations in the past you've previously accepted and re-evaluate them with your new knowledge that it probably wasn't acceptable behaviour.

Talk to some one in rl. Admitting there is a problem is the first step in resolving it. And yes, definitely talk to women's aid.

I am just wondering - if your DD is curt and rude, if she sees that kind of manner being 'modelled' by either of her parents?

i think so yes as she hears the way he speaks to me, I tell her it's not acceptable and do stick to what I say - consquence/early bedtime/no ipad etc - it is working as the tantrums are getting much less but what ever I do it isn't enough sometimes in his eyes - pathetic apparently!! I always try to be calm, and try to get my message across, I hate arguments and shouting and don't want my DC to see that as the way to get your opinions across/get your way/as a punishment, I walk away and wait for DS or DD to calm down. The problem is that as I am becoming more aware of the inappropriate behavior from DH the more I distance myself from him - guess its like self preservation
and it then spirals to me not giving any him support or love and he's nasty to me....he'll sit relaxing with tv or in the garden as I'm doing bedtime it takes a while sometimes as you know, and he will moan because I've left him on his own...it's like the third child, only the grown up one throws his toys out of the pram much more often!!

Is it normal too to blame the other person,? Last night DH went out with work mates, came back pissed at 12.30am and started to moan at me...DD was in bed next to me - she and I went to bed together as DH was out and it's a treat for us, but she had an accident so both she and I went to sleep in her bed. At 5am I was woken by texts from him saying thanks for making an effort and leaving him alone, I replied saying that the bed was wet and he was snoring....he said he didn't believe me and that was an excuse....sorry said I but I'm not lying in wee! At least he has bought some food now though! Goodness words fail me!

Sounds like the work with your DD is paying off, but as she gets older and sees DH treating you like this she's probably going to be a bit ? I have to tell my DH when he talks to me in a demeaning way - I am quite touchy anhd he often gets in with the apology before I've finished pointing it out. And he is genuinely sorry. It takes a big person to accept responsibility. Your DH sounds like he's a panicking child, which must be horrible to live with.

I think the financial secrecy is inexcusable. That wouldn't feel like a marriage to me.

Super, your OH is a dick. I couldn't imagine sending sulky texts to my ex-wife (and I went without intimacy for years and years).

You may not want to break up the family but he is already managing it. Sulky, babyish, liar, possibly a cheat, thief, the list goes on. You seem to have three children and one of them is a complete wanker.

Kick him to the kerb, your kids will thank you in the long term

Good luck with WA

he does it all the time ineedabodytransplant, especially when I'm out. This morning he was asking me who I wanted to be with, as it wasn't him I must be seeing someone else, he thinks it's someone from work and that I'm not being honest with him - it isn't obviously I'm just distancing myself from him.

I'm destorying the marriage he says, but I can't get out of my head that he has gone behind my back and lied to me to such an extent - I can't forgive the lack of honesty and respect. He calls me a liar, but I've never been anything but truthful - he has sworn on the childrens lives before, and it's ended up being a lie. He says I chip away at him day after day.....but I lie in bed unable to sleep with anixety sometimes, I knew he'd be off with me last night for not being with him, and my guess that today he will be as nice as pie. He works really hard and is exhausted not to mention stressed because of the bankrupcy and business, so I can see how I must annoy him, thankfully DD and DS seem ok x

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

No you are not destroying the marriage; he is by his actions.

You already have two children, you do not need a sulky and selfish third manchild as well.

DD and DS may seem okay to you, well you would like to think so anyway, but their parents problems will and are already affecting them. Is this really what you want to show your children, this awful relationship role model. What do you think they are learning here about relationships from you two?.

You do not "annoy" him as such; this is actually the dynamic that is played out between the emotional abuser i.e. your H and his chosen victim which is you. There is no excuse or justification for his behaviour towards you.

he has now taken to just taking my debit card to get 'my money' out of my account without asking me....this morning it was before I woke up. 300 taken out in three days......says its because he had to use it for the business as he hadn't got his business bank card - it arrived on Tuesday. Alarm bells are going off in my head and I can't help but be angry.....he expects me to 'help me but I knew I could never rely on you' and it's none of my business what he spends his money on.....FFS surely it's our money we've been together for nearly 20 years!

I would contact your bank and request a new PIN. You need to stop him. Why are you still with him? You get nothing from this relationship do you?

it is his money, so should be able to get it however I am so angry he took my card whilst I was fucking asleep, that shows me no respect and I feel voilated to be honest. I'm going to call the bank at lunch time xxx

it is his money, so should be able to get it however I am so angry he took my card whilst I was fucking asleep, that shows me no respect and I feel voilated to be honest. I'm going to call the bank at lunch time xxx

Legally speaking, if it's in your account then it's your money.

So what he has done today is theft. I would suspect he is trying to drain your account to either keep you in place and unable to leave, or to provide himself enough money to leave himself.

Definitely call the bank and tell them to block your card and send a new PIN. You won't be able to use your debit card until the new one arrives so make sure you've done shopping and taken out cash first.

Is he gambling ?

If he's so incompetent that he's been made bankrupt and can't have his own account then he bloody well waits for his money, he doesn't take your card and get it himself, whether that's with your permission or not.

Stop letting yourself be walked all over OP. And stop exposing your children to this shit.

I second the gambling.
See a solicitor.

Something isn't right, I smell a rat! I'll get to the bottom of it that's for sure....changed all computer passwords though so he is hiding something. He also is exhausted from working he has a very physical job and has to drive on average four hours a day, looks done in which means I get no sense out of him when he gets home in the evening.

why are you still with him? Did you stop your card?

Yes I did, am still with him because I have nowhere to go, if I wait seven months the house will be mine - if now I leave with half the equity and no money to buy anywhere else. I have to get through it, I can get through it, protect my children and my sanity too ??