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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is DH behaviour normal or is it emotional abuse.....

109 replies

supersmashinggreat · 17/04/2015 13:50

I've read other threads about this but really have no where to turn, I feel like I'm going mad and that nobody will believe me......but last night was the a turning point that prompted me to post here for advice.

I think that I am being emotionally abused, but I'm not sure if it's me...so if I could explain could you see if you think that this is normal behaviour from a husband and father??

Last night I had a particularly tricky bathtime with my DD age 7, she is really hard work and has tantrums/meltdowns so has to be handled in a calm way.....anyway she was kicking and screaming in the bath - not unusual - when I asked to get her out she was adamant she wouldn't so i had to lift her, she was kicking and splashing getting angry but I remained calm, explaining it was time for bed...anyway at the pinicle of the tantrum DH comes home from a hard day at work and starts to explain why it was so bad I uummed and arrhedd and he said oh do you know what it doesn't matter it's always about you isn't it...' he could see how hard it was for me with my lovely girl but huffed off. I detatch myself and he doesn't get why I am being so moody and distant. He has had a much harder day than me, what do I know about hard work etc

he has been recently been made bankrupt, didn't speak to me about it for months, sorted it all out with his Dad even though it has a massive impact on our family. He is lying to both me and his family about his spending, blames me for my low income.....anyway because of this he is using my bank account and had to take my card last night, I said that I was struggling after a large and unexpected VET bill - his Dad transfered money into my account and he took it all out leaving me with nothing saying it was 'his money' and that I should go out and find some' he spends money like water whilst I have to penny pinch and go without. last night he told me that I am not a proper wife, tells me I'm a lair, swears at me. If I don't want him (sexually) there are plenty of women who do, other people find him attractive why don't I, it's my fault he is like this because all he wants is my love, he thinks I don't show him enough love or passion, sympathy or empathy. When I go out he texts me on average 10-12 times a night, I can't be myself as I am nervous, yet he can be out all night as he is stressed because of his business/bankruptcy. I've started recording incidents on my telephone so I can listen back, but after every time he says it's stress and he is sorry he loves me....he can't do though can he.....???? We have two beautiful children and it breaks my heart xxx

OP posts:
popalot · 17/04/2015 17:25

It is abusive, but you need to look at your finances ASAP.

Have you sat down and discussed all the ingoings and outgoings of the household? He sounds like he's not coping at all and it's time for you to take some control. You need to know about:

All household bills - how are they being paid? Elec, water, gas, council tax etc.
Mortgage
Loans
Shopping
Petrol
Car
Extras - like children's clubs and going out

If you can sit down together and talk through them all and sort out what you need coming in and maybe reduce what is going out, things might be better. At the very least you will know what you need if you do end up as a single parent.

After that, talk about the abuse and insist it must stop. If it doesn't, then take steps to separate.

AyeAmarok · 17/04/2015 17:53

Definitely abusive, definitely not you being unreasonable.

DrCoconut · 17/04/2015 18:03

My ex used to take money from my account and it was part of a bigger picture of abusive behaviour. Red flag if not outright LTB.

Original poster
supersmashinggreat · 17/04/2015 19:11

What's an LTB?

OP posts:
TwoOddSocks · 17/04/2015 19:14

LTB = "Lose The Bastard"

Original poster
supersmashinggreat · 17/04/2015 19:53

I'm so grateful for your words of advice, it makes me feel less mad! I'm sure there is an underlying reason for it. We've always had an issue about money tbh it's never been easy but with recent events it's been a lot worse. I also found out that he'd been using Adultwork secretly only about £30 a month but he denied it and lied about it

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 17/04/2015 20:46

If he's using Adultwork, I think I know how he can spend 700 quid in that length of time. Is he using prostitutes?

Original poster
supersmashinggreat · 17/04/2015 22:14

No. I did a thorough search Smile

OP posts:
Morelikeguidelines · 17/04/2015 23:00

I thought it was "leave the bastard". Either way you definitely should.

MelonBallersAreStrange · 18/04/2015 00:22

If you are married it is not his money it is family money.

He cannot be trusted with family money. He is a bankrupt. He wasted money intended for a specific bill (the vet). He also lies about money.

Change your PIN, take the card, give him spending money depending on how much is available after all bills have been paid and some money put aside for possible future emergencies (like a vet's bill).

It is really quick to set up a bank account. I wonder what the real reason is for not doing it yet. Sounds like he is hiding his money from someone by having it paid into your account. Sounds like his business partners are in on it (his dad). Are you sure he has actually been declared legally bankrupt?

the house will be transfered into my name in a years time
Ah, if this is true then he hasn't been declared bankrupt. You would have had to sell the house. Why would the house be transferred into your name in a years time anyway?

Have you done an Experian search or similar to check what debts are in your name?

LTB. He is definitely abusing you.

MelonBallersAreStrange · 18/04/2015 00:25

Btw, if you are married, you each own 50% of the house no matter whose name is on the deeds and no matter who pays the mortgage and no matter who paid the deposit.

TiredButFine · 18/04/2015 00:39

If you need to record conversations to try and convince yourself you're not going mad then the other person is abusing you.
He's bankrupt, sex addicted or cheating and does not respect you. Save yourself.

Original poster
supersmashinggreat · 18/04/2015 09:04

We have no joint debts other than our mortgage, the equity (his half) will be purchased back from the OR his trustee at the end of year, when the bankruptcy is ended. He transferred his business to a limited company with his Dad as director. The house will be in my sole name, it's ten months away....tbh I didn't know it was as bad as it is, a lot of stuff seems normal now after all this time, but after writing it down has confirmed its not normal and healthy. I've got to look after my children and myself xx

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 18/04/2015 09:30

Certainly not normal acceptable or decent behaviour.

You only need a few examples of unreasonable behaviour for a divorce petition

dementedma · 18/04/2015 09:38

Is that true melonballers? You each own 50% regardless whose names are on the deeds?

bananayellow · 18/04/2015 09:45

Do you actually get anything out of this relationship?
Do you even like him?
Do you want to leave?
What will be the impact on dd? Negatives and positives.

When you've weighed up the above (which on the face of it doesn't look at all good) then you need to work on your exit plan.

You keep hold if his card. Withdraw the money and give it to him. Don't let him get his hands on it at all.
Gather all important documents.
He should be the one leaving the house as it will be yours shortly.
Get rl support and legal advice.

Paddingtonsmarmaladesandwiches · 18/04/2015 11:05

Can I just say how sorry I am to hear this and I'm sure you'll get better advice on the emotional impact from others but, on the bankruptcy point, the house cannot have a great deal of equity or your in laws have paid a sum equal to the equity to allow it to remain unsold. In any event, the transfer of title to you should be within the year not after it. I'd go speak to CAB for some advice on the impact of this on you.

Original poster
supersmashinggreat · 18/04/2015 14:20

It has effected my credit because he is in arrears with the mortgage, the equitity is about 130k. He has an agreement paying off with extra payments, hadn't paid a bill for months nor any debtors so am at a loss to understand what's going on xx he has today left me with no money whilst he had gone to work and moans when I ask him for money, it's cruel x

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 18/04/2015 14:42

Yes, he is cruel. It's the very epitome of cruelty to go bankrupt without telling your spouse anything about it.

He's also an absolute cunt for complaining that you're not showing him enough "love or passion, sympathy or empathy". Who would want to be intimate with such a person? A person who pervs on Adultwork. If you don't believe that he's been spending family money on working-girls start believing it now. It's the only reason for being on that site. While all this shit has been going on, where is his sympathy or empathy? Packed its bags and fled the country, that's where.

Get bloody shot of him. As soon as.

Coyoacan · 18/04/2015 16:09

I do think you will find a marked improvement in your dd's behaviour when she is away from this stressful situation.

Nolim · 18/04/2015 16:15

Ltb

Original poster
supersmashinggreat · 19/04/2015 09:53

It's a pattern he knows when he is in the wrong and over compensates being extra nice, like he is today. I know the good is still in their and I love him, I don't want to break the family we do have good times but right now the bad outweighs everything, it's got to change it will change.

OP posts:
CharlotteCollins · 19/04/2015 10:04

That's the cycle of abuse you're describing. After they have had a nasty abusive episode, they switch to being nice. It's designed (probably unconsciously) to confuse you, and to make you believe the good guy you see is the real one and if only you could get the bass side to go away all would be fine.

The niceness is part of the abuse just as much as the nastiness and selfishness is.

As a PP said, it is indeed abuse, emotional, financial and verbal.

Do talk to WA if you haven't already and take any support they can give you.

sugarman · 19/04/2015 10:07

You are getting a lot of good support in here wrt your relationship problems.

But about your daughter, it is unusual for a chld of 7 to scream and kick about bathtime. Is she like this about other things? It must be very hard on you. I am just thinking tha possiby she has additional needs that you may be able to get help with? And god knows you could do with some real life support.

CharlotteCollins · 19/04/2015 10:07

Oh, and he had already broken the family by deciding to put himself first and you and DC nowhere on his list. It takes two to hold a marriage together and if one person is trampling it in the mud, there adding nothing you can do to make it anything like what we would understand as a marriage.

His idea of a marriage is quite different and involves you being by turns a doormat and a servant...