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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What does behave im home now mean

127 replies

Piperdog2009 · 16/04/2015 14:48

You all probably know that I'm trying to figure out my relationship anyway so once my fiances ex called him when. He retired from a night out with his mates there was giggling then he said behave im home now .... Could this comment be innocent or red flag

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Original poster
Piperdog2009 · 17/04/2015 08:41

So it's okay for me to regret staying

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Original poster
Piperdog2009 · 17/04/2015 08:42

And is it normal to still be angry even though the last contact was new year ? As I feel crazy yah it's all I think about him and her not me and him

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ThisFenceIsComfy · 17/04/2015 08:43

Yes, it's ok for you to regret it and completely understandable.

Something needs to change going forward now, you need to think about what you want to do.

ThisFenceIsComfy · 17/04/2015 08:44

And if I'm being really honest if it isn't her, it sounds like it would end up being someone else given the obvious lack of care or respect your partner seems to show for you.

Original poster
Piperdog2009 · 17/04/2015 09:08

Yeah I know she's just a syptom it just makes me mad ... How would you tell him you know the truth ?

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Original poster
Piperdog2009 · 17/04/2015 09:19

I just blocked and deleted her from his email account so if it reappears then I know he has no means of staying out of contact

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ThisFenceIsComfy · 17/04/2015 09:24

Can you try explaining that it's been eating you up over the past year and you've tried moving on but it isnt working?

Original poster
Piperdog2009 · 17/04/2015 09:28

He will just call me silly and that he doesn't deserve this and that im making a big thing out if something so small

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Original poster
Piperdog2009 · 17/04/2015 09:29

Or he will mock me saying " have you wrote me another letter" x

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Original poster
Piperdog2009 · 17/04/2015 09:30

For some reason I feel guilty asif I would be letting him down... Why would I feel like this

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ThisFenceIsComfy · 17/04/2015 09:31

That sound really tough. He seems incapable of talking to you like an adult. Just doing the standard trick of deflecting, minimising and belittling your concerns.

MelonBallersAreStrange · 17/04/2015 09:31

You seem confused about how a break up conversation works.

It works like this: You say "The relationship isn't working for me anymore. It is over. I am moving out." In response to anything he says, you say "It's over. I can't be with you any more."

A conversation about answers, explanations, understanding the pain caused, is a sticking together conversation. It is a negotiation.

You know he is lying. His actions have told you the truth over and over again, only his mouth lies.

You say you want him to give you real answers, real explanations, i.e to admit the truth. Why? So you can say "Ah ha! I knew you were a cheating bastard. You are chucked!"

Why would he every tell you the truth? When he lies, you stick with him. If he tells you the truth you will dump him.

I said your boundaries are fucked because any one thing he has done according to your posts should be a chuckable offence. Most people realise that if you feel the need to set a honeytrap then the relationship is already over. A honey trap is a strange thing to do, not trusting your partner is enough reason to end the relationship, whether he has actually done something bad or not.

Ive sat down and talked he just acts like I'm wasting his time , bored of it or fed up of hearing about it
The correct response to that is "The relationship isn't working for me anymore. It is over. I am moving out." What possible other response could there be?

Cabrinha · 17/04/2015 09:31

Unblock her.
You need to leave this farce of a 'relationship' where he is cheating on you AND rubbing your nose in it.
If the way to do that is to see thee contact til you get the message, you're better off not blocking it!

Your name is a tattoo to keep the ex in line, just as her name keeps you on your toes.

His next girlfriend will have two names to remind her that he is a "prize" and not rock the boat.

Fucksake, he told your son that his ex was going to become his mummy.

Why why why do you think you "love" this nasty piece of shit?

MelonBallersAreStrange · 17/04/2015 09:34

For some reason I feel guilty asif I would be letting him down... Why would I feel like this

Because you have been trained to believe other people's feelings are more important than your own.

What was your own family like?

MelonBallersAreStrange · 17/04/2015 09:47

He will just call me silly and that he doesn't deserve this and that im making a big thing out if something so small

Or he will mock me saying " have you wrote me another letter" x

So talking is pointless. Don't waste your energy. Use your energy for leaving and getting yourself some counselling.

MelonBallersAreStrange · 17/04/2015 09:52

Every person who sees him in a t-shirt will know he has two women. He wants everyone to know what a big man he is. I bet he boasts about how he treats you both.

Original poster
Piperdog2009 · 17/04/2015 09:54

My family don't give a fuck ive always been the black sheep always done the leg work and my mothers boyfriend came before her kids he was emotionally and physically abusing my partner was the one who got me out of it wich he likes to remind me that I am nothing with out him very often

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Original poster
Piperdog2009 · 17/04/2015 10:00

Funny thing is in the taxi on his way home he rang me ( 15 mins before the " behave im home now phone call he said " whatever happens or I do just know that I love you @ guilty conscience?x

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pocketsaviour · 17/04/2015 10:21

My family don't give a fuck ive always been the black sheep always done the leg work and my mothers boyfriend came before her kids he was emotionally and physically abusing

This makes a lot of sense of why you have no boundaries and are accepting his shitty treatment. You have always been taught that you are at the bottom of the pile and that everyone else comes first.

You are an adult now and you are allowed to put yourself first. You are allowed to do what's right for you.

my partner was the one who got me out of it wich he likes to remind me that I am nothing with out him very often

Very common tactic with abusive men, they seek out people who have already been abused, act like the white knight on a horse to get you hooked, and then their true self comes out and you eventually realise you've swapped one abusive situation for another one.

Speaking in practical terms, how are you fixed if you were to leave? Do you rent, privately or housing association? Whose name is on the tenancy?

MelonBallersAreStrange · 17/04/2015 10:34

whatever happens or I do just know that I love you @ guilty conscience?x

He was testing your boundaries. He wanted to test how desperate you are for crumbs of love. It is what abusive people do.

The plan was: do a bad thing and let you see it BUT 15 minutes prior he would tell you that he loves you no matter what.

He wanted to know if saying he loved you no matter what just beforehand would be enough for you choose to accept appalling behaviour.

Whose house is it? What are your alternatives?

Original poster
Piperdog2009 · 17/04/2015 10:41

It's mh house I bought it so it would be him leaving we have 3 kids eldest 6 youngest 6month old

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TheoriginalLEM · 17/04/2015 10:43

This happened a year ago??? Confused How has your relationship been since?

pocketsaviour · 17/04/2015 10:50

OK, so you're in a strong position housing-wise. And it's great news that you haven't married so he wouldn't be able to claim a share of the house.

This guy is taking the piss, and has been taking the piss out of you for probably the last 6 years.

You don't need "proof" or "evidence" to make him go. You just need to tell him that it's over because the relationship isn't making you unhappy. You tell him to get his stuff packed up and leave.

Then you start enjoying the rest of your life with your kids, and no more headgames.

BuzzardBird · 17/04/2015 11:03

It's not just this issue though is it Piper? I saw your other thread. You know what you need to do, you don't need anyone else to tell you.

Original poster
Piperdog2009 · 17/04/2015 11:27

It's not been good we argue more , more snide comments from his side and to see he's been back in contact 4 times since this incedebt last year and no I'm engaged to him but I ain't marrying him x

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