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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What does behave im home now mean

127 replies

Piperdog2009 · 16/04/2015 14:48

You all probably know that I'm trying to figure out my relationship anyway so once my fiances ex called him when. He retired from a night out with his mates there was giggling then he said behave im home now .... Could this comment be innocent or red flag

OP posts:
Original poster
Piperdog2009 · 16/04/2015 17:40

I dunno im one of those ppl that once something's blown over I find it hard to act . I require ammunition unfortunately x im such an idiot no wonder I get treated like I'm stupid

OP posts:
binspin · 16/04/2015 17:52

Stop letting him make you feel like this. You are not stupid so don't let him treat you that way.

I spent years in an emotionally abusive relationship. I was waiting for the final nail in the coffin. I wanted him to cheat so I could leave. I didn't realize the damage that the relationship was having on me and my children.

He is doing this to your dc as well as yourself. If you don't get it sorted for you please resolve it for your dc. Is this what a good relationship looks like? Is this the relationship that you want them to be in as adults?

Do you love him?

Original poster
Piperdog2009 · 16/04/2015 17:57

Of course I love him that's the only reason I haven't ended it as I wanted to believe him

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binspin · 16/04/2015 18:06

So what will you do to make him see that he can't continue like this?

Does he think it's normal behavior?

Original poster
Piperdog2009 · 16/04/2015 18:09

I wrote him a leaving letter and he found it and I ended up on citolophram so hopefully he's read and seen what damage he's done but everytime he gets a text and smiles at his phone in the back of my mind im always gonna be wondering if it's her

OP posts:
Original poster
Piperdog2009 · 16/04/2015 18:10

He insists he's done nothing wrong and can't see why I'm not taking it lightly or I get told to get a grip past is past ect

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Original poster
Piperdog2009 · 16/04/2015 18:13

And he doesn't know ive clicked on about the behave im home now comment wich im angry for seing as he's got off lightly

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SouthWestmom · 16/04/2015 18:14

Sorry I had to do stuff. Thanks for clarifying. I can sort of see this being a joke for some people, like a shared joke or just a silly wind up but if it isn't an everybody laughing thing then he is in the wrong.
For example I have a beautiful ex boyfriend, he's a model and stunning. It's a silly joke in my family that I should have married him as then the kids would all be half American and live in LA. It's a joke between me and the kids and dh because we are all secure.

Original poster
Piperdog2009 · 16/04/2015 18:18

It wasn't a joke the way he looked at me after saying it was a big " haha " it was a joke at my own expense like when he says " lies and deceit " becuAse I forgot to tell his about a Drs appt it's a joke at my expense becuase he would know all about lies and deceit or when he jokes that I have a fancy man and I say " I'm not you" that's a joke at his expense for what he's done lol he's just a selfish pick I have no doubts that they are talking or still talking in the near future

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Original poster
Piperdog2009 · 16/04/2015 18:18

Prick*

OP posts:
binspin · 16/04/2015 18:21

do you ever talk about your relationship?

Original poster
Piperdog2009 · 16/04/2015 18:23

He talks about the future ect but we have kids so he's got his kids futures in intrest aswell so sometimes it's confusing weather he's on about us or him and kids ... He got my name tattoo on him a week ago but he's got his ex's name on him aswell so that proves nothing x

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Original poster
Piperdog2009 · 16/04/2015 18:24

But she's still on his email contacts he won't change his number and I'm the one that always has to tell her to leave us alone as he wont do it

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binspin · 16/04/2015 18:29

Have you ever sat him down though and said how you feel?

MelonBallersAreStrange · 16/04/2015 18:31

I dunno im one of those ppl that once something's blown over I find it hard to act . I require ammunition

A man who behaved as he did a year ago, must surely be giving you plenty of ammunition every single day but your boundaries are so fucked you don't notice.

Original poster
Piperdog2009 · 16/04/2015 18:50

Ive sat down and talked he just acts like I'm wasting his time , bored of it or fed up of hearing about it and what do you mean my boundaries are fucked

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SouthWestmom · 16/04/2015 21:14

Does he have kids with the ex?
What do you want - no contact? Less time out with mates? Commitment?
Are you just drifting along because you have kids? Does he make you happy? Or even content?

StupidBloodyKindle · 16/04/2015 23:42

I would have thought she'd been in the pub prior to the phone call or that she rang him to flirt/massage his ego thinking he was still in the pub (if it was on his mobile not house phone) and the Auntie promotion to mummy comment was to hurt you/get a rise out of you/keep you in your place (if you are going to kick off about her calling I will replace you with her) or a.simple diversion tactic from you clocking on he'd been out with her.

This was a year ago. If anything was going on then they have been going on in plain view for 12 months now. I personally would have given him an ultimatum of going non contact with her/deleting her from phone and facebook/and if possible going over the tattoo with a larger tattoo if it is a huge issue with you. He probably is bored if you keep going on about it but if he wants you to drop the topic then heneeds to drop her as a friend. Sorry.

Original poster
Piperdog2009 · 17/04/2015 08:11

He won't delete her email im just thinking about doing that for him too then blocking her .... He won't change his number due to work ... But I'm so angry . Ive clicked that they were probably flirting behind my back and that it wasn't just friends after all and then again with the sopposedly honey trap .... He's made me out to be a fool, mocked me and ive come 2nd best for the past two years I want to tell him that I now know what went off but that will just be covered with more lies .... He's got away with something he shouldn't have gotten away with and as for the honey trap if it was all innocent and his mind was set on revenge he wouldn't have given out personal info about our children he would have kept on the subject of getting revenge he also used his email for the honey trap wich he knew or thought I didn't know the password to so he probably thought he wouldn't get caught but conveniently for him she tried to break us up prior and he's a quick thinker . So angry I was quite moody last night and he got mardy . I really wanted to tell him that I knew

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Original poster
Piperdog2009 · 17/04/2015 08:15

And no they don't have kids x

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ThisFenceIsComfy · 17/04/2015 08:22

I think you need to stop thinking of this as a problem with his ex. More as a problem with him. You can't trust him with very good reason. He seems like a completely untrustworthy bastard tbh.

What do you want to happen? A lifetime of more of this? Have you considered couples counselling if you want to put every effort in for your kids. It might give you the opportunity to actually talk about everything that's happened in a setting that he can't escape from.

You need to look long term and do something that makes you happy.

Original poster
Piperdog2009 · 17/04/2015 08:25

I don't get it though how can you regret believing lies and staying with a person but still love them dearly at the same time.

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Original poster
Piperdog2009 · 17/04/2015 08:27

He would laugh at counselling plus we can't afford it ..., he just says I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill this is what I mean ive gotten no real answers , no real explanation and he has done nothing since new year to prove there will be no more lies apart from getting my name tattood on him but he has her name on the opposite arm so his arms are becoming a trophy cabinet

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ThisFenceIsComfy · 17/04/2015 08:33

You can love him all you want but you need to be able to trust him.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 17/04/2015 08:34

I wrote him a leaving letter and he found it and I ended up on citolophram so hopefully he's read and seen what damage he's done

"honeytraps"

Lots of game playing going on here.