So, DH is 40 and acting like a teenager (and not in a good way)

[StupidIdioticChildishPrick]

Basically, I have just discovered by accident that DH is lying to me. It's not another woman (as far as I know, and I think it v unlikely), it's a desire to go and do fun things and not have me shout at him because I feel like he's not pulling his weight.

He is self-employed and I do his admin (I have another job too). I was looking in his work email for a purchase order when I came across something that looked like it was about rugby tickets. He has form for arranging to spend an entire day and evening at a rugby match and not telling me until the very last second because he knows that I get fed up about the amount of time he spends doing that sort of thing. He has been to about six or seven rugby matches in the last few months, which isn't a huge amount of time but he is so frequently away from home at weekends working that it is really sad that he doesn't want to spend at least some of these days with DD when he has the chance. I've never told him not to go or anything, just pointed out that it would be nice to do things as a family occasionally and that DD would like to see him. She is 7 and misses him a lot when he is away.

Anyway, I read the email fully intending to have a go at discussion with him about the rugby and find that this time it isn't rugby, it's a sailing weekend away with the boys. Fine(ish), so far. Bit pissed off that yet again he is clearly waiting to tell me until the last minute and planning to tell him that, but basically I'm OK with it (though I would have made it clear again that I would just like the courtesy of being asked in case I have commitments myself and again, what about DD who would love to spend a whole weekend with him at home).

Then it got a bit worse. I looked at his online diary (this is fine with him, not snooping, he has shared it with me and knows I look at it a lot as he is frequently away from home and travels all over the country and I like to know when he's going to be back etc). He has blocked out those two days with the name of a job on them. I then had a conversation with him about what jobs were coming up and he flat out lied about what he was going to be doing on those days - told me it would be an awful difficult job, in our home city but he would be working all night etc so he wouldn't make it home.

I didn't say anything. I was just so shocked that he would actually lie to me like that. I get that he doesn't want me to shout at him, but honestly, is this not both really deliberately underhand and also just so childish? It is just like a teenager claiming they're going to be at Jane's house so they can secretly go to a party they know you'd disapprove of.

How bad do people think this is? Should I just get over myself and suck it up? Should I confront him? Should I wait until it's over and see if he does in fact tell me about it in advance, or at all? I feel like he's not the person I thought he was. I have since asked him if there's anything he needs to tell me, quite lightly so he didn't suspect I knew and he said not. He booked this in about 12 days ago when we were actually on holiday together so not like he couldn't have mentioned it at the time.

I know compared to some stories on here this is trivial. But I'm just honestly so so shocked. I feel sick.

I have namechanged, obviously.

I say confront him. Having a hobbie is fine as ling as he pulls his weight but clearly that is not the case.

You have no idea how many times he has done this before.

How can you stay with someone with such a blatant disrespect for you, who is happy to lie to your face and doesn't want to spend time with you or DC?

You can never trust him. What is he happy to lie about?

I think it shows that you can't trust him on anything - especially something so fundamental as where he is on a day to day basis.

Equally, it shows that 'Good old you' is responsible for 100% of domestic duties as he can choose what he does and when.. and you have to suck it up.

I'd be really, really unhappy about this and would actually probably inform him that you're going to see your old friend X on Y date and he's in charge of your daughter... and swan out the house like he does - even if you just go for a coffee round the corner for an hour, I'd certainly hammer the point home that if he doesn't believe it's acceptable for you to do that - why is he?

A slightly more mature approach would be to discuss this with him, see if he understands why it's completely unacceptable and see how far you're willing to go on this.

If nothing changes, would you leave him? If not... then why would he change if he knows you might be a bit miffed, but will ultimately put up with his behaviour.

For me however, lying and being as selfish as he is being would not be acceptable.

that is so out of order

I would be raging

I would be absolutely livid. My DH does the not telling me until the last minute thing too which is bad enough, but blatant lying is a step too far.

I'd say your DH is acting like a liar, not a teenager (though I know why you made the comparison).

I find it a bit odd that you suggest that the answer might be: just suck it up. If this forum of internet strangers were to say that you should just suck it up, would that be ok with you? I think you must know that isn't the case.

I hope you get it sorted out.

You can never trust him. What is he happy to lie about?

I know! This is how I feel.

And I am livid, and I am raging, and I'm not going to suck it up but I have seen threads before where people are supportive of a partner's desire to do something that seems pretty damn unreasonable to me (visit lapdancing clubs etc which I think we'd all agree is less acceptable in the general scheme of things than going sailing).

I am actually seriously considering kicking him out for at least a temporary period to make it clear how fucking furious I am. But I did wonder if I wa over-reacting.

Sorry, was. I am literally shaking with rage, actually.

If my dc as teenagers had acted as irresponsibly they would have been for the chop, it isn't even teenage behaviour.
It's up to you if you have been happy to let it get to this stage, but I certainly wouldn't have done.
get him told OP, and ask why he is such a poor parent and dh at the same time.
I hope you get this sorted for yours and your childs sake.

It sounds like you try too hard to be "the cool wife", the partner who "is fine" with his selfish pursuits.

Essentially he is very selfish, and you allow him to be. You don't want to be the nagging wife who spoils hus fun (he has you well trained!)

A serious chat is needed, but I worry you will just try and emphasize how "cool" you are with him putting himself first whenever he wants.

It may take more than one chat, it may take a bit of a revolution.

(Sorry if I am a bit hard on you, I am on your side though!)

Sorry, OP. I didn't mean for it to come across as if I was criticising you (I wasn't).

I know what you mean about the lapdancing versus sailing. But I don't think that's the comparison, here. It's his lying here, surely?

So you're really asking: is it ok for him to lie to my face or should I let it go? I really wouldn't make this about whether you're happy for him to go sailing and what notice you want/expect.

I'm a man, btw (in case that makes any difference!).

Yes your biggest issue here is the lying. No one should ever have to 'suck up' being out and out lied to. People have differing opinions on what counts as acceptable in terms of partners pursuing hobbies/weekends away etc but the lying is a no no.
FWIW my DH is also a massive rugby fan and used to go to every game wales played, here and abroad. Now we have a family he chooses the ones that are most important to him and just goes to them, usually one or two per major tournament.

I'd be really upset too. It's just the lying thing: it says 2 things. 1. he doesn't want to spend time with you or your daughter. 2. He isn't interested in how you feel about this. It's really disrespectful and that's why you're upset, even tho it's only sailing. In fact, that makes it worse because why hide it at all? I'd be livid too.

But, give him a chance to redeem himself. If he doesn't see why it would upset you then I'd worry about your future relationship. If he sees the light and sorts it out then maybe you could trust him again.

It's OK, I am just feeling really shit so not good at even unintentional criticism.

I agree that the lying is the issue.

I am not in the least a cool wife, in that I do take issue with him very regularly about the swanning off to the rugby thing. I think what lies at the heart of this is his desire not to be shouted at. I am sick of being taken for granted just because his work necessarily means that he's away a lot. I find his selfishness irritating and have talked to him about it more than once (he cannot see the problem with the rugby thing).

However, I find lying totally unacceptable in an adult relationship and I am really struggling with this. Until this happened, I would have said we were basically OK with a few issues (mine with him are his rugby shite and being moany/sulky, he would say that I am too untidy and shout at him a lot). But he is kind, generous and supportive in most other ways, we make each other laugh etc, I thought we were honest with each other. It has never ever been a relationship where he calls all the shots.

I would like to give him the opportunity to tell the truth (I was trying to when I talked to him about it before). If he doesn't, I am seriously considering asking him not to come back, at least temporarily, after the sailing.

DD would be devastated.

I know, why hide it at all? Except he knows I won't like it and will shout at him. That is the only reason I can think of.

OP, you keep mentioning the shouting. He's a grown man with wife and child - are you sure you are not minimising his response by characterising it as simply being his desire to avoid being shouted at?

Long, long ago when I was a lot younger I had a girlfriend who, after we'd been together for a few months, started getting angry and shouting at me over various things. What they were doesn't really matter, but it wouldn't have occurred to me to lie to her in order to avoid the shouting. I would have either confronted her about it and told her it was unacceptable (which I did, but it didn't change anything...) or ended the relationship (which I eventually did and it did change things!).

No wonder you are raging! He is not acting like a teenager. He is acting like a liar and like a man who is disrespectful and irresponsible.

What if something happened to him that weekend? What if something happened at home and you had to get in touch with him? I'm sure he'll explain that away by saying he has his mobile but it's a damn sight different answering a mobile on a job in your city and reacting quickly if need be, and answering a mobile on a boat God knows where.

If you feel you want to kick him out then do so.

I have a fear that when you raise it with him, he will try to make it your fault that he didn't tell you (because he knew you would be unhappy). This is not your fault . It is only his fault and he needs to know he has broken something important - your trust. I'd also consider relationship counselling because a breach of trust can be difficult to recover from and tbh you need to know how committed to this relationship and your family he really is.

Forgot to add, your description of his behaviour as being like a teenager and your description of shouting at him does sound a bit like you're his mum...!

Sounds to me like DD would see more of him if you weren't together? Maybe he needs to think about that?

I know not liking the shouting sounds ridiculous. He really REALLY dislikes confrontation. Which is a bit stupid, because lying is going to result in one hell of a confrontation.

I doubt she'd see much of him at all, Buzzard, in whichever situation. He works most weekends. He might be around for one or two nights in the week, but not on a regular basis.

I feel sick and shaky. I know you are all right and I have to do something about it. I just dread it and cannot see how it can be fixed.

I am not surprised you are raging.
Basically he is not telling you stuff so he doesn't have to listen to you tell him he is selfish.
He is selfish for thinking he has all the free time and you get all the chores
He is selfish for lying to make his life easier so you won't shout at him
The fact that he can do what he likes while you do the crap is not an issue for him as he is a selfish man.

If you kick him out it would have to be total - although he'd probably just think "oh now I have more time for my hobbies" and then think "oh, who will do my laundry?".
If he can't see how selfish he is (and he clearly thinks you doing all the domestic work is fine) then you don't have many choices other than kick him out permanently or accept he is an arse and you're stuck with the chores forever. Possibly you could inform him you will be taking an equal amount of time to pursue your hobbies (invent one - something outdoors and expensive like horse riding) and make sure you leave home and leave him with the house for as many days as he does it to you. I would expect he'd complain and still do no housework as he thinks women do housework and men don't.

Sorry, that's not very optimistic.

It's quite manipulative on his part to lie in the hope of avoiding confrontation because it makes it seem like a trade ie
I'll tell you I'm doing something that will make you justifiably angry but only if you stifle your anger and don't shout. If you shout, then I'll take that as carte blanche to lie
Truth isn't a trade. Neither is respect. You're entitled to respond to what he is doing but he's trying to control that by limiting the information he gives you. I'd be concerned that it's duplicitous rather than a wish to avoid confrontation iyswim