So, DH is 40 and acting like a teenager (and not in a good way)

[StupidIdioticChildishPrick]

Basically, I have just discovered by accident that DH is lying to me. It's not another woman (as far as I know, and I think it v unlikely), it's a desire to go and do fun things and not have me shout at him because I feel like he's not pulling his weight.

He is self-employed and I do his admin (I have another job too). I was looking in his work email for a purchase order when I came across something that looked like it was about rugby tickets. He has form for arranging to spend an entire day and evening at a rugby match and not telling me until the very last second because he knows that I get fed up about the amount of time he spends doing that sort of thing. He has been to about six or seven rugby matches in the last few months, which isn't a huge amount of time but he is so frequently away from home at weekends working that it is really sad that he doesn't want to spend at least some of these days with DD when he has the chance. I've never told him not to go or anything, just pointed out that it would be nice to do things as a family occasionally and that DD would like to see him. She is 7 and misses him a lot when he is away.

Anyway, I read the email fully intending to have a go at discussion with him about the rugby and find that this time it isn't rugby, it's a sailing weekend away with the boys. Fine(ish), so far. Bit pissed off that yet again he is clearly waiting to tell me until the last minute and planning to tell him that, but basically I'm OK with it (though I would have made it clear again that I would just like the courtesy of being asked in case I have commitments myself and again, what about DD who would love to spend a whole weekend with him at home).

Then it got a bit worse. I looked at his online diary (this is fine with him, not snooping, he has shared it with me and knows I look at it a lot as he is frequently away from home and travels all over the country and I like to know when he's going to be back etc). He has blocked out those two days with the name of a job on them. I then had a conversation with him about what jobs were coming up and he flat out lied about what he was going to be doing on those days - told me it would be an awful difficult job, in our home city but he would be working all night etc so he wouldn't make it home.

I didn't say anything. I was just so shocked that he would actually lie to me like that. I get that he doesn't want me to shout at him, but honestly, is this not both really deliberately underhand and also just so childish? It is just like a teenager claiming they're going to be at Jane's house so they can secretly go to a party they know you'd disapprove of.

How bad do people think this is? Should I just get over myself and suck it up? Should I confront him? Should I wait until it's over and see if he does in fact tell me about it in advance, or at all? I feel like he's not the person I thought he was. I have since asked him if there's anything he needs to tell me, quite lightly so he didn't suspect I knew and he said not. He booked this in about 12 days ago when we were actually on holiday together so not like he couldn't have mentioned it at the time.

I know compared to some stories on here this is trivial. But I'm just honestly so so shocked. I feel sick.

If he can't see that what he has done is very very wrong, then yes, I would ask him to move out at least temporarily, I think. I would hope we could get counselling and improve matters, I think.

Fuck me! I've just read this!

"If I wait to see what he says, I will use FindMyIphone to get his location (which will be a long way from where he told me he would be as we have no actual sea anywhere near this city). See, this is so stupid. I know all his passwords etc because he always tells me them so I can eg access work emails to get ticket info or flight info or purchase orders or whatever. How on earth did he think he would get away with it?"

Some people truly do amaze me.
The both of you need to grow up!

2 points Stupid - I work away form home and people think it is a lark. Flying all over, staying in nice hotels I "spend plenty of time in the pub /nice restaurants ", but in truth it is not great fun and I miss a lot of social stuff with my family and friends. So when I get home, I guess I try to over compensate and do lots of stuff. I go on all nights out, available etc, which I would not do if I lived at home. I also tend to tell my DW as late as possible

Second - For me the real worry is the lying!!!!! It takes a great deal of mental energy to successfully pull off what your DH is attempting. Far too much energy required for the return (in fun) for me.

Why do you tell your DW as a late as possible DrMorbius?

Your mates teasing you only counts as a "rock", and your wife being pissed off with you only counts as a "hard place" is you are a basically weak person with no integrity

Maybe he is weak. But never underestimate the power of peer group pressure. In those situations people often make bad choices. Which is what's happened here. You might consider that to be an issue of integrity. I just know how human and fallible we can all be sometimes.

Since the OP believes he's never done it before, this just needs nipping in the bud. Confront him without ranting. Tell him it never happens again. And insist on him balancing his time and commitments better.

Clutching at straws but is it at all possible that he has cancelled the sailing arrangements, by phone or text, because the weekend job has come up, and so never bothered to mention that sailing was ever on the cards?

You sound as if you're trying to actually trap him, OP, which is neither straightforward nor likely to produce any sort of constructive outcome. (And you likely won't be able to wait that long either - it will eat at you.)

Why don't you just discuss with him what you've found?

(I speak, by the way, as someone who can't abide lying.)

DrMorbius, that is a fair point re people thinking travelling is fun. I get what you are saying. Do you also choose to spend whole weekends of your very limited free time with the people you work with?

I have previously worked in the same industry as DH and tbh, it was great fun travelling around. It's not stuffy meetings all day, IYSWIM, and there is a very big social side to it.

Clutching at straws but is it at all possible that he has cancelled the sailing arrangements, by phone or text, because the weekend job has come up, and so never bothered to mention that sailing was ever on the cards?

No, he's put one job in twice. Once on the wrong dates and once on the correct date. I have no idea how he was going to explain only one invoice for half the amount I'd expect.

The correct dates are in his email.

I know it sounds like I'm trying to trap him. I feel a bit stupid. But I think otherwise he will just go 'oh, it was a mistake' or 'something went wrong with the calendar' or some other weak excuse or pretend he was going to tell me. I want to know if he is actually proposing to tell me or not. That will make a big difference to how I feel about it.

Dr Morbius why would you do that? Surely it would be much better for her to know as soon as possible so she can make plans for that weekend? Smacks of thinking your life and your weekends are more important than hers, to me.
My DH works away a lot which means when he's not away he wants to spend as much time as possible with her. Because a) he was involved in the decision to have her and b) he likes her.

...That will make a big difference to how I feel about it...

What is the outcome you want from this?

Hmmm, a couple that can't be honest with eachother. This does not look good!

I look forward to the "I'm gonna LTB" post

Why does it matter whether he was going to tell you?

You already know he's not remotely interested in either you or your daughter.

You are just a drag on his good times with his mates.

As well as his basic dishonesty and selfishness, there is the added issue of the fact that he doesn't want to send any time with either of you.

You can't make him value you or your daughter.

You can just decide how much space in your life you are going to give up to a man who finds you boring and pointless.

You can't tell him you know because you expect he will lie even more.

That is not good.

How much time does he actually spend with you as a family OP? I think you need to basically put your cards on the table and say, "Look, these are my minimum expectations of you, as a family man, three weekends at home a month," or two, or whatever you are comfortable with. Then outline what you feel your choices are if he feels to meet your expectations: separating, counselling, compromising in some other are, whatever.

Because all this lying and messing around is disrespectful, immature nonsense. And you shouldn't have too put up with it.

One thing I don't like here OP is your earlier statement "DD would be devastated." why would she be devastated at hearing dad was going sailing for the weekend? Unless you phrased it "Dad doesn't love us enough to spend time with us, he would rather be with his friends than spend time with you...

OK I'm playing devil's advocate and being deliberately harsh here, but I do get the sense that you're using your DD as ammunition.

Clearly he's very much in the wrong here but it sounds like he feels you're the authoritative adult who won't let him have fun.

Can you find a way to address this so the outcome is all of you having fun together? There's no reason why you shouldn't go sailing as a family is there?

Well, this is interesting. Maybe I am wrong. The job with the wrong dates has disappeared from the calendar. DH, are you reading this?!

Drew I think you're actually in the very fortunate position of never having had a close relationship with someone unreasonable, or having to support a friend/client through such a relationship. Your suggestions only work when your DP is treating you with the same level of respect. It's nice to think that being reasonable and honest will elicit the same response from someone else but it isn't always the case.

DrMorbius my career involved lots of time away, nice hotels, etc. Guess what? It was intense but fun and it was nothing like being at home juggling my workload, having 24/7 responsibility for a DC and managing a home. Our experiences are very different. My point is that neither of us knows how it is for the OP's DH. But the OP works in her DH's business so she probably has a much better idea than either of us

And so the mob baying for LTB starts to assemble.

DD would be devastated.

I meant if I felt like I wanted to ask her dad to move out, even temporarily.

"He's behaving like a teenager because that's how he is being treated." What a crock. He is behaving like this because he wants the freedom to do what he wants, without recourse to his family. Stupid, you are not being unreasonable expecting him not to lie, expecting him to spend time with his family (and actually want to) or treat you with respect. Those suggesting otherwise are minimising his behaviour.

Where do you want to go from here and how do you think the trust that he's just shattered can be rebuilt?

Ohhh, lord! and now she may be wrong.

Hopeless!, a pair of adults with the responsability as parents to set an example and acting like this.

You know what...I feel sorry for their daughter.

OP I think you need to have a major rethink about the whole situation, as well as this particular lying instance. Having kids is really hard, yes they are lovely but long periods of time where you are constantly on call and cannot just do what you feel like are very hard work and exhausting. I find it exceptionally difficult myself as I'm very introverted and long for alone time.

BUT never in a million years would i dream of just helping myself to time away, announcing it at the last minute and leaving DP in the lurch. We both work, that means we both need time off, as well as time to work at weekends sometimes, and we take turns to allow each other that. My DP is away for work a lot too, and that can be tough but then when he's back he gives me time to go to the gym, does bedtime so I can work etc. and if I do want to go away for work or a course he covers that - because he knows he owes me!

You need a fundamental fair division of free time as far as possible. That should be your baseline yet you've been having to carry the can every time he pulls this number and just drops it on you. You get cross, so he lies to avoid the confrontation! Ugh I want to yell at him for you! FGS. This bloke seems to lack an understanding that it's just as hard for you, it's just as exhausting for you, you would love to swan off for a weekend just as much as he would, but you don't because it's NOT ON. He doesn't see you as an equal. He wants a break, so you have to pick up the slack and he's OK with that!? I think you need to sit down and spell out to him exactly how unfair that is, with diagrams if necessary. Then add up ALL the leisure time he has helped himself to, and tell him you're owed that much back and he's not having any more jollies until you're even. He also needs to spend some weekends with you all together.

The lying is terrible too but I think there's a more basic problem here. I don't know about teenager, but he is seeing you like a parent – you're always there to step up, he doesn't have to. It's the "men's lives are optional" thing that was discussed on here recently. Don't stand for it. "Cool wife" has nothing to do with it - you're not uncool to expect basic equality.