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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I escaped an EA, now I'm sliding back.

86 replies

dontknowwhereimgoing · 13/04/2015 23:16

Last October I fled my 20 year marriage and ended up in a refuge. My husband was abusive in many directions and when he turned it on my 4 year old son I ran. I've also been told some of what he did (deliberately trying smash things and throwing things) was physical abuse. I've already sat down and written down what he has done in the past (had to when applying for housing) so I know what he has done. I left refuge in February and moved into temporary housing and have now been offered a housing association house. I really don't know though where I am going. Somehow I'm now back in contact with my ex, we are speaking on the phone most days and I miss him. I've also been giving him money to help him to make ends meet as he's still in the family home with our dog and most of my possessions. (although it's up for sale) I don't have a lot of money only income support and tax credits.

I know he was abusive so why am I now looking back and thinking it wasn't that bad. (when I confronted him he said he may have done some of the things I had listed but I failed to include the circumstances. Many of his behaviours he doesn't realize are not acceptable)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/04/2015 23:22

oh dear

let's hope he starts on your son again sooner rather than later as you don't seem to value your own physical and mental health much Sad

cozietoesie · 13/04/2015 23:25

How do you think you would feel if you had the dog and your possessions with you rather than with him?

ImLizawithaZ · 13/04/2015 23:34

When I do this I have to focus on nothing but his negative attributes and have cut him out of my life completely, no contact was the only way I could not be fooled by his nice side.

BigFatPanda · 13/04/2015 23:56

Do you miss him or are you lonely?
Do you miss him or the person you thought he was/used to be?

Your son comes first, please don't ever lose sight of that.

Marmaladedandelions · 13/04/2015 23:59

It can be very difficult because you get used to being treated a certain way.

I missed my ex so much when I first got him out. It really was like a bereavement. I LOVED that twat. It's better now - I'm still lonely but I just have to keep reminding myself that what we had was a farce anyway.

Writing everything down helps - I have a notebook and read through it regularly to remind myself how bad it actually was, and it was bad.

Original poster
dontknowwhereimgoing · 14/04/2015 00:02

I think I'd probably help out regardless of possessions or the dog. I miss who he used to be. I also feel guilty as he says he misses the children and they adore him despite his behaviour (other child is 1)

OP posts:
Original poster
dontknowwhereimgoing · 14/04/2015 00:04

I do keep reminding myself it was bad enough to be offered a place in a refuge, just not helping at the mo.

OP posts:
Darcey2105 · 14/04/2015 00:14

Oh dear, I understand where you're coming from. Do you have anyone to help you or support you at the moment? Are any of your family or friends nearby?

I left my abusive ex 3 years ago, and went through an incredible upheaval much like you, and was living homeless with my toddler and I was pregnant. i did have some family and firends support, but I think they saw me coping so well with everything that they didn't actually think that what I was going through was that bad.

But I didn't really have anything, and it was a terrible time, and in the end it was my ex who was supporting me emotionally and financially through that time. He was't horrible to me, and we spoke every day so he could facetime his daughter. Then when he came to see her at weekends, I ended up hanging out with them because I was lonely and had nothing else to do.

Then when my baby was born, he had to move into my new flat as I couldn't pay for it myself, and quite frankly I liked and needed the support of looking after a baby and a toddler.

But my parents cut me out as they were so angry with me for getting back with him. But we weren't 'back together' in a romantic way, I just needed some help - in whatever shape that came.

Anyway, fast-forward to now and I am now involving the police in trying to get away from him again. My parents are helping me again.

I think everyone looks down on me for getting back with him in their eyes. But I didn't really, it was nothing to do with love or anything. I just desperately needed some help and support and he was the only one there I could actually rely on.

I think you are at the hardest time of all now. Everyone thinks that once you make that break everything else falls into place, but you have to rebuild a life from scratch, with no money. It is really hard. I don't know what support is out there, but maybe you can talk to someone from the refuge? I wish I had made a bigger fuss and let everyone around me know how much help I needed, rather than try to get on with it myself.

Good luck and keep posting. You have done so well so far, and to be housed is the best thing - don't give that up too easily.

cozietoesie · 14/04/2015 00:39

...I miss who he used to be...

I can understand that especially after 20 years with him. However, that 20 years also represents sufficient time to conduct a lot of training of you - some of which you'll be able to identify to yourself by now - which could lead you to believe deep down that despite the abuse, he represents home to you. You might find this interesting to read.

Your escaping with your DCs was pretty well a desperate act of survival.

Are you feeling lonely?

heyday · 14/04/2015 08:03

Please, please, please stay strong and continue moving forward don't do a u turn and start going backwards. He will not change, and indeed things may even get worse if you got back together with him or allowed him back into your life. Sell the house as quickly as possible. Have minimal contact.
Look at your Darling little boy. Do you want to EVER risk putting him in harms way? Do u want him growing up thinking that this man's behaviour is acceptable.
Yes, you may well feel lonely but it's better to be lonely and safe from harm than have company but be in danger.
Stay strong. You have been through so much already. You can do this. Hold your head up high and move on with your life and leave this man behind you before he wrecks both your life and your sons.

Original poster
dontknowwhereimgoing · 14/04/2015 08:04

Cozie, thank you. I've read quite a few articles trying to understand but that one spells it out and rings a lot of bells. I don't think I am lonely but I am still suffering mental health issues after what I've been through. I do recognise that to go back is not what I want and would quickly become hell on earth so why I maintain contact and care is totally baffling.

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 14/04/2015 08:05

what about if you wrote yourself a list of all the things he did and kept it to avoid looking back with rose tinted glasses?

I am sure you don't want to be back in a relationship that was so damaging to you and to your child that you had to flee to a refuge.

FenellaFellorick · 14/04/2015 08:05

have you had any counselling? I bet womens aid would be able to point you in the right direction. I bet it's quite common.

Rebecca2014 · 14/04/2015 08:15

I think it may be due to being lonely actually. I was quite lucky that when my ea husband finally left, he did not bother me and moved on to his next girlfriend very quickly. I think if he was like your ex, I may have been more inclined to get involved again but I would not have moved back in with him!

Just keep reminding yourself that if you did get back together, your be in the same situation you were before but worse as he would act like that towards your son. It really was that bad, so bad a refuge agreed to take you in. I know your mind can play tricks on you but stay strong :)

Lovingfreedom · 14/04/2015 08:22

What AF said...if you won't value your own safety at least think of your kids and stay the hell away from this man.

LoisPuddingLane · 14/04/2015 09:04

he may have done some of the things I had listed but I failed to include the circumstances

There aren't any circumstances which excuse abuse. It doesn't matter if he was depressed, or you were goading him, or if he was under stress, or...the list may be endless. NONE of these are reasons to say that it was acceptable. Please, get a grip, for the sake of your child - who he was abusing. They are your words. He turned the abuse on your child.

Cherryapple1 · 14/04/2015 09:18

Have you done the Freedom Programme?

Please see him for what he is, not what you hope he could be. And do stop giving him money too. It is a slippery slope and you need to stop now. He won't change, this is just hoovering to get you drawn back in.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 14/04/2015 09:26

After so long together it probably feels strange and unfamiliar living daily life without him. That's not to say it isn't the best thing you can possibly do.

You knew he'd crossed a line when he started picking on DS. Leaving was the right decision. I am a bit confused, are you saying all H has to do to get back in your good books is chat on the phone? He is never going to fully admit what he did let alone repent of it.

You mention the family pet. If that creature became unpredictable and turned on you growling or even nipped either DC, I don't imagine you'd hesitate to take steps and stay safe?

I wish you weren't giving H money particularly when he is sitting pretty in the house and most of your possessions are in his reach not yours. Keep your money for you and DCs.

Please talk to someone. Someone other than the man who abused and frightened you.

cozietoesie · 14/04/2015 09:34

...but I am still suffering mental health issues after what I've been through...

That doesn't surprise me at all. Are you receving any professional help/counselling at the moment?

(The Freedom Programme was also mentioned above - have you thought of that at all?)

What is a typical day like for you at the moment?

moomoob · 14/04/2015 09:39

Cut all ties with him, arrange for him to see his dc in a contact centre where it's a controlled environment he can be no danger to your dc but still maintain a relationship. If he's not happy with this that's his tough luck it was his choice to start to be abusive your your 4yr old so needs to accept the consequences of that. Do not ever ever risk the safety of your children for the sake of him. If you can get some of your possessions out the house then do it if not write them off forget about it & create a new life for your dc.

pinningwobble · 14/04/2015 09:48

I don't have much advice OP but i just want you to know you are not alone. My mum is currently in the middle of trying to get out of an EA with a narcissist and finding it very difficult. He doesn't live with her but they work together.

I have hope and believe in her that she's strong enough to do this, I believe in you too x

nicenewdusters · 14/04/2015 09:57

Keep reminding yourself that there are different ways to be lonely.

Lonely in a relationship is soul-destroying. Better to be physically lonely and able to choose ways to begin to fill your life again.

In your case better to be safe and lonely - but of course you're not alone, you have your children. They don't fill the need for adult company and a relationship, but then neither did your husband.

You sound amazing. You got out, went to a refuge, and now have the offer of a HA property.

What's he doing ? Sitting in the family house with the dog, displacing his children from the security of their home, and accepting money from you when he knows you don't have it to give. Oh, and he can't see that he really did anything wrong. If he did, apparently you should look at the circumstances, which is his way of saying it was your fault.

Vivacia · 14/04/2015 10:01

Why would you put your children at further risk?

pinningwobble · 14/04/2015 10:16

Vivacia judgemental comments like that are not helpful. People who have been through EA already have rock bottom self esteem. OP is doing her best. That's why she's posted here.

Vivacia · 14/04/2015 10:19

I think she's shown strength and courage to achieve what she has. But it's a genuine question - why would you risk your children's well being at this stage?