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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I escaped an EA, now I'm sliding back.

86 replies

dontknowwhereimgoing · 13/04/2015 23:16

Last October I fled my 20 year marriage and ended up in a refuge. My husband was abusive in many directions and when he turned it on my 4 year old son I ran. I've also been told some of what he did (deliberately trying smash things and throwing things) was physical abuse. I've already sat down and written down what he has done in the past (had to when applying for housing) so I know what he has done. I left refuge in February and moved into temporary housing and have now been offered a housing association house. I really don't know though where I am going. Somehow I'm now back in contact with my ex, we are speaking on the phone most days and I miss him. I've also been giving him money to help him to make ends meet as he's still in the family home with our dog and most of my possessions. (although it's up for sale) I don't have a lot of money only income support and tax credits.

I know he was abusive so why am I now looking back and thinking it wasn't that bad. (when I confronted him he said he may have done some of the things I had listed but I failed to include the circumstances. Many of his behaviours he doesn't realize are not acceptable)

OP posts:

Original poster

dontknowwhereimgoing · 14/04/2015 19:11

I've got some bread and milk and some packets, certainly enough to feed the children tonight.

Won't be phoning him, if I did it would be all about how he is more hard done by as he's got no money either.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 14/04/2015 19:15

Have you got a key worker or WA case worker that you can contact to see if they can help - if only with getting you a foodbank voucher or other immediate help?

No - you must definitely not phone him. He would love to see you running for 'cover' and coming back to him - and then it would all just start all over again.

As I said, he's still an abuser.

BertieBotts · 14/04/2015 19:18

Oh no :( Sorry to hear you're struggling tonight. Total arsehole

AnyFucker · 14/04/2015 19:21

Look how low he has already brought you, love

you gave him money for porn (or whatever, it doesn't actually matter what it was for, tbh) that should have been feeding and warming your children

carry on like this, you will lose your children

no man is worth that

tomorrow, phone those professionals and get the help you need to get him out of your life for good before it is too late

the only way if you don't do this is....Further down

AnyFucker · 14/04/2015 19:23

There comes a point when you have to take responsibility for your own contribution to the mess you are in

this is that point

blizzardcat · 14/04/2015 19:24

Best advice I ever had: Remember how he made you feel. Don't keep listing all the bad things he did, focus on how it all made you feel. You don't want to go back to feeling like that, surely?

Original poster

dontknowwhereimgoing · 14/04/2015 19:36

Fortunately there is a keyworker here and I've already text her this evening. Unfortunately everywhere I am turning to try and get emotional support is meeting a blank wall. local DV counseling service have now been chased by my support worker and the HV (as well as me), they have yet to return any calls. A local project (similar to the freedom project) have support groups that I will be unable to attend as they have recently lost their childcare funding and children are not welcome at sessions, without him I have no childcare. My last refuge also tried and failed to find any one to one outreach service where I now am.

I have turned to here to try to move on from him as I seem to be getting nowhere fast.

I have no intention of going back to him but also didn't realize I was responsible for the latest abuse.

I will try writing down how I feel, thank you.

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 14/04/2015 19:42

You aren't responsible op but you are 'feeding the monster' if you like.

You are free now, he is a nasty abusive man and he became that way due to witnessing abuse or being subjected to it himself.

That is the risk we take when we keep our children in abusive marriages. They go on to be abusers or become the partner of an abuser. They know no different.

You have came so far, he is tempting because he is all you know. You are in a world of unfamiliarity and going back to what you know can feel comforting.

He would of course be nice to you right now. Of course because he will do or say anything to get you back where he wants you.

Did you say that he is the only person who can look after the children whilst your at work?

Original poster

dontknowwhereimgoing · 14/04/2015 19:49

quitelikely, no I didn't. I said he was the only childcare I've had available, now we are no longer together I have no childcare. He actually said to me before I left that I should get a job to pay all the expenses but I'd have to earn enough to pay for full time childcare as he wasn't doing it. He also refused to allow me hobbies as he wasn't prepared to look after them.

OP posts:

pinningwobble · 14/04/2015 19:53

OP you should not be beating yourself up. When you have an abusive man telling you you're shit, the last thing you need is to tell yourself the same thing. You're not responsible for any of this. He chose to act this way.

cozietoesie · 14/04/2015 19:56

Just cut him out of your and your kids' life. If he isn't trying to control you directly, he's doing it through money or the DCs - or anything that he can think of. You and the children do not need that.

Quitelikely · 14/04/2015 20:00

Ok I couldn't understand why you needed him for childcare if you don't work.

Going NC for a few weeks will do you the world of good. It works.

Are you children at school yet? If you do get a job you will be entitled to all sorts of financial help regarding childcare costs etc.

Cherryapple1 · 14/04/2015 20:18

If you had a job and claimed child tax credits you would get money towards childcare too wouldn't you?

BertieBotts · 14/04/2015 20:32

Yes but OP is talking about childcare for group sessions which will either be in the day (so job would rule them out) or the evening (more difficult to find standard childcare such as childminder/nursery).

Interesting (I am not surprised sadly :( ) that he always refused to look after them. Doesn't that feed right into what I said earlier about him not being anywhere near as sad about losing them as you would be? Let go of that guilt.

If childcare and stuff is a stress right now then don't worry about it. In the future, you could quite possibly use services such as a babysitting agency, after school clubs etc. If your youngest attends a nursery, sometimes nursery staff babysit after hours for money on the side.

This is a good place to come for help letting go. :) It's a crying shame that DV services are so stretched and I'm sorry that you're struggling as a consequence.

ALaughAMinute · 14/04/2015 21:42

I agree with Vivacia. I'm sorry you are going through difficult times, but please whatever you do, don't put your child at risk.

Talk to someone at Womens's Aid and get help.

Sending you strength and positive thoughts.

Hissy · 14/04/2015 22:01

Adrenaline wears off after about 6m.

This is it. Dig deep face the facts and have the courage to go through with the end of this.

Stop giving him money. End contact unless about your child.

He will ruin your life, and that of your dc. He could really hurt you, or worse.

LoisPuddingLane · 14/04/2015 23:29

You are not responsible for any abuse, but as AF says, you may be contributing to this mess by continuing contact with this horrible person, and by giving him money. It's hard to fathom why you've allowed him to have so much money that you actually have nothing with which to feed your kids and heat your home.

That is something you can change - and that is taking responsibility for your part in the mess. Go no contact - what is there to lose? He takes your money and offers nothing at all in return, not even basic fathering duties.

Bin the fucker. You'll feel so much better. Plus, you'll be able to buy food.

cozietoesie · 14/04/2015 23:55

To be fair to the OP, I think she made a mistake in the calculations so all (ALL!) she was doing was giving him what she thought was spare.

Original poster

dontknowwhereimgoing · 15/04/2015 00:02

I can't explain why I've given him money if I'm honest, he won't be getting any more. I didn't ring him today but he rang me tonight and told me the septic tank was blocked, he actually expected me to go round and sort it out and got very verbally abusive when I bluntly refused, really helping me to remember why I left and why no contact is a good idea tbh.

OP posts:

Original poster

dontknowwhereimgoing · 15/04/2015 00:05

Cozie, yes, you are right I did miscalculate. Still astonished when I added it all up tonight.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 15/04/2015 00:07

He still sees you as his servant/punchbag/blow-up doll is why.

Do you have to allow him any contact whatsoever? (Especially bearing in mind what the CP people thought.)

cozietoesie · 15/04/2015 00:12

Bear in mind that continuing any sort of contact with him will give him the excuse he needs for continuing that abusive relationship - in his mind you'll still be under his control.

If you have any sort of 'out' then use it to the utmost. I'd block his number directly.

The alternative might just be losing the kids - remember that.

mix56 · 15/04/2015 06:58

Has it occurred to you also, that he may be giving you the poverty sob story so that you too will end up with nothing & have to return.... You thought you had £20 left to get thru to Friday... well there's nothing like having some leeway. You should have kept all of it to save up for shoes or something essential if needed. I'm glad you have decide to stop this folly. I'm assuming he doesn't have a job. Why?
Why would YOU be going round to sort of the septic tank? Who is the big man here after all?
Cut him off, if he wants to see his children, it can be arranged. If necessary, but you don't need to facilitate it, he needs to get the transport & meet on neutral ground. If he gets nasty then you will have to get it organized officially.

withaspongeandarustyspanner · 15/04/2015 17:06

Vivaca because they know the things to say to make you think it's a good idea. That's why you go back, that's why you take the kids back, you think they mean it this time. Otherwise no one would ever go back and no one would think it would be different this time.

Original poster

dontknowwhereimgoing · 15/04/2015 18:52

Thank you everyone, not heard from him today with his latest tales of woe, intent tonight is to turn phone off so he can't ring!

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