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Relationships

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Original poster

Am i odd or just realistic?

83 replies

confusedoflondon · 13/04/2015 16:12

Given the amount of marriage breakdowns we see on here and in life in general I tend to feel that the living in someone's pockets Can and does often breed contempt over domestic things. Been married got the t-shirt. So my partner who I've only been with a relatively short time I would happily marry tomorrow. But not live together. Til we are old. I think this makes sense as we happily live apart now. Have no children together and will not be having any - I am 43, he's 37. He agrees it makes absolute sense but admits he is more governed by societal norm on the matter than me. Thoughts?

OP posts:

WestEast · 13/04/2015 16:16

It's your life live it as it suits you.

pocketsaviour · 13/04/2015 16:17

I feel the same way, I like my space.

My last live in relationship didn't work out (together 4 years, lived together 3) and I am feeling like that was the last time I'm willing to try it.

I don't know about moving in together once you're older though. Will that not just end with one of you nursing the other and frittering away each others' equity on additional nursing care? I personally couldn't be doing with the thought of helping a bloke into his incontinence pads every morning and sitting him on the commode four times a day.

Original poster

confusedoflondon · 13/04/2015 16:18

Haha I was just thinking along the lines of when we are old and decrepit and no longer interested in frisky time I won't mind you seeing me plucking my chin hairs etc so it wont matter

OP posts:

capsium · 13/04/2015 16:19

I think it is possible to live in the same home whilst still respecting each other's personal space, so living together and marriage sits well with me, as does having children. Yes, there are challenges but what would life be without them?

Original poster

confusedoflondon · 13/04/2015 16:20

I like the idea of having the marriage bond without all the crappy domestic wrangling that can go with it. My friends all think I'm barmy Which is ironic given they are the ones moaning about homelife with their husbands

OP posts:

Original poster

confusedoflondon · 13/04/2015 16:21

capsicum I agree its blissful when it works but as these forums demonstrate, that appears to be the minority of times.

OP posts:

Original poster

confusedoflondon · 13/04/2015 16:23

I do have one Dd who is coming up 13 and I have to be honest as well and say we do operate a very girly environment which I think a man (particularly with no children) would struggle to adjust to and so why should he?

OP posts:

daffsandtulips · 13/04/2015 16:35

Im with you on this one. Ive chosen not to bring anyone into our home until my son has flown the next. All far to complicated for me and I don't like being "pulled" in different directions.

Someone to go and have a good time with once a week or maybe every other weekend is ideal.

Like you, I will re-think in a decade

Original poster

confusedoflondon · 13/04/2015 16:47

Aha a kindred spirit!! like I say I would happily marry him (literally I mean) take his name wear the ring and blissfully date him for ever more

OP posts:

capsium · 13/04/2015 17:02

Minority being happily married? Well, I never knew that....

confusedandemployed · 13/04/2015 17:05

I do have DP and DD and I guess I'm a fully paid up family girl but in all honesty I would LOVE to live on my own again. Didn't move in with this DP till I was 37 having been on my own for about 7 years...I miss those days. You're not odd at all IMO.

Caoimhe1922 · 13/04/2015 17:18

Katherine Hepburn advised that for a marriage to work spouses should live near by and visit often.

FalseMonica · 13/04/2015 17:19

Have just started a thread on this very subject! I love DP but find cohabiting tough. I agree with the idea that living together and getting bogged down in the minutiae of domestic life can take its toll on a perfectly lovely relationship. I love my space and freedom, time to think, time to just stare out of the window and not have to explain myself to anyone - I really like my own company and find it hard to have another person around all the time. And yes, even though he is absolutely great with ds, sometimes I feel I'm getting pulled in all directions at once and it's horrible.

If I could do it over again I don't think I would have started living with him. But we are where we are so I've got to come up with some strategies to overcome it! Not living in this tiny flat would help, I think...

If we did ever split up (I don't want this, btw!) I would never EVER live with a man again.

Original poster

confusedoflondon · 13/04/2015 17:26

The main objection I have had is "why get married then?". To me the bond of being married whilst effectively 'dating' each other is romantic and lovely actually. not only that it is widely advised for married couples to act like they are dating to keep the flame alive etc. It also means never having to fall out about washing up, or who's turn it is to do the bins or whatever and all that shiz which appeals greatly. And never feeling trapped and therefore a need to escape.

OP posts:

pompodd · 13/04/2015 17:48

Gosh, I think I'm probably quite old fashioned about this (I'm a man in his late 30s...).

I'm sure this is the "societal norm" which the OP referred to, but I suppose I see marriage of sharing a life together with all of the ups and downs. Not just dating. I can't really imagine doing that without also sharing living space. But of course I accept that there's no right and wrong about this and other people will have completely different ideas about what marriage and sharing a life means.

pocketsaviour - I was a bit sad reading this that you said, though: I personally couldn't be doing with the thought of helping a bloke into his incontinence pads every morning and sitting him on the commode four times a day.

I can't imagine wanting anyone else to do that for my DW than me (and vice versa). Perhaps rather morbid to say so, but having had a few friends and family where the couples have done that for each other because of terminal illness or just old age isn't it the very definition of what you should do - and want to do - for the person you have promised to love in sickness and in health (or whatever other formulation of vows you may have chosen!)?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 13/04/2015 17:52

I couldn't have dp living with me. Let alone marry him. A few times a week are enough. I've became too selfish now

FalseMonica · 13/04/2015 17:52

And what do surveys apparently tell us, pompodd? That the happiest and most contented people are married men and single women...go figure

pompodd · 13/04/2015 17:54

FalseMonica -

I try not to listen to surveys. Particularly not General Election opinion polls which I'm already sick of.

cleanmyhouse · 13/04/2015 18:03

I feel exactly the same. I want to get married but not live together. I'm glad I'm not the only one.

pompodd · 13/04/2015 18:08

cleanmyhouse - I don't really get that. Could you try and explain it? I see marriage as the epitome of a societal norm, so I don't really understand why you need to bother with the marriage at all. Why not just date and live separately? What does marriage give you in addition?

pocketsaviour · 13/04/2015 18:14

pompodd maybe some people can hack it, but I can't. To watch someone you loved and respected degenerate into a breathing sack who shits him/herself and can't remember what day of the week it is?

The thought of anyone having to do that for me gives me the absolute fucking horrors. At least care workers get paid to wipe bums.

pocketsaviour · 13/04/2015 18:16

pompodd

What does marriage give you in addition?

Some very important legal rights.

pompodd · 13/04/2015 18:17

Interesting, pocket. I see what you mean but don't really agree with you.

Out of interest, would you feel the same way about a child of yours and needing to care for them, or perhaps a parent would be a better example?

pompodd · 13/04/2015 18:20

pocket - yes, I understand the legal rights bit. It's just that the marriage bit for the OP seemed to be about it being romantic and a way of "keeping the flame alive".

pompodd · 13/04/2015 18:20

pocket - yes, I understand the legal rights bit. It's just that the marriage bit for the OP seemed to be about it being romantic and a way of "keeping the flame alive".

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