Am i odd or just realistic?

[confusedoflondon]

Given the amount of marriage breakdowns we see on here and in life in general I tend to feel that the living in someone's pockets Can and does often breed contempt over domestic things. Been married got the t-shirt. So my partner who I've only been with a relatively short time I would happily marry tomorrow. But not live together. Til we are old. I think this makes sense as we happily live apart now. Have no children together and will not be having any - I am 43, he's 37. He agrees it makes absolute sense but admits he is more governed by societal norm on the matter than me. Thoughts?

I thought the whole point of being married is sharing everything together. But it is your life, you live however you wish as long as your DP is on board 100%.

btw, my aunt did tell me once that she is going to send her husband to the nursing home when he get to certain point. Says that she is unable to lift a man over 200 lbs on her own.

I totally get where you're coming from. I am currently cohabiting and I often wish I wasn't! We have a small baby now though, so it's difficult to go back, but like a pp said, the domestic side of things gives me the rage!

If this relationship fails (which I hope it doesn't!) I swear to god I sm never living with a man again.

If you can afford to live separately then by all means go for it. I love my DP but I have no desire whatsoever to live with him, or any other bloke for that matter. Sod what society dictates. People are living in all sorts of 'different' and so called unconventional set ups nowadays so do what is right for you and enjoy your life.

It is odd how differently people can view things - my husband and I get on better the more time we spend together. For us, it's when we are spending any length of time apart that we start to niggle at each other because the sort of weird 'telepathy' we have with one another seems to fade a bit and the 'in-jokes' miss their mark more often. It's like we get slightly out of tune, but then a day spent together can re-set everything and we're fine again.

If it makes you both happy, then it's no-one else's business.

But I think the general doom and gloom about 'domestic drudgery' and how unhappy people are living together is a bit off. You can't look at forums like this and decide it's the normal state to be having problems; it's a self-selecting sample. Of course you hear about the unhappy things and don't get so many posts about the good stuff, people usually post when they need help and advice. You don't need help and advice when things are good.

I had a couple of unhappy relationships and swore I would never do that again. I even thought much the same as you, the ideal would be a relationship but living separately.

then I found the right DP at last. I look at him every day and think how much happiness he brings to the little everyday stuff of a shared life.

And I really don't get the domestic drudgery angle. If there's 2 of you living in one home, then you only have to do half the domestic chores and stuff you would have to do if you lived there alone? There's not more work because there's 2 of you, the house is the same size, there's one bed to change, there's one bathroom to clean, there's one dinner to cook, 1 living room carpet to hoover, and 2 of you to do it.

"To watch someone you loved and respected degenerate into a breathing sack who shits him/herself and can't remember what day of the week it is?"
I find this really offensive and nasty. This is my Dad, according to that poster. To us, he's still a human being who is much loved and who loves us, who deserves his dignity and some care for all the things he has done for us for over a lifetime, and we treasure the remaining time we have with him. He is not just a 'breathing sack', thank you very much. We still love and respect him.

loveareadingthanks I take your point. I'm just talking from my own experience really having been married for 9 years and having shared a home with two other long term partners. I know I'm not good at living with someone but like you I enjoy the bonding and the getting in sync when I've not spent time with dp for a few days, so for me it works to keep it that way. I know he's the right Dp, which is exactly why I dont want to self sabotage it by living together knowing I'd not like it, IYSWIM.

So do it. People will find it a bit strange to be married but living apart, but so what?

I know what you mean about needing your own space and time to yourself. Me too. Very much so. Luckily DP is a sports fan and buggers off to watch sport with his mates quite a lot, or to play sport, or to go watch sport on TV in the bedroom, and I get plenty of lovely peaceful time mooching about on my own.

we do need a good mooch

I'm in an LTR, we used to co habit but have lived apart for the past few years (at my behest) I love it, more relaxed hardly any domestic work.

I can't imagine ever wanted to co habit again, the different standards about housework made me apoplectic and I HATED co sleeping
But I am dyed in the wall loner?

pompodd If my son needed personal care I'd provide it as long as I was physically capable of doing so (he's a strapping lad and I'm short with a bad back!)

But the bond of a parent to a child is completely different to that with a romantic partner.

I definitely do not plan to keep my mum clean, fuck no. But then we're NC anyway as she's such an unpleasant person!

My views may be coloured by my mum and aunty taking it on themselves to care for my Grandma for the last 18 months of her life. She had severe dementia and became immobile and doubly incontinent. My mum and aunty refused to even get her diagnosed (massively dysfunctional family here) and they wore themselves into complete exhaustion trying to do everything themselves. (She was also living in a tiny cottage with rickety stairs - they wouldn't even think about putting safety handrails up.) They ended up hating and resenting my Grandma and falling out with numerous members of the family who they didn't think were doing their bit. It was a ridiculous situation and almost certainly shortened my Grandma's life span. If she had been in a residential facility when she first started to become unable to care for herself, she would have been safe and had time to get used to the situation before the dementia wiped everything away.

The worst thing is I know if my Grandma had been fully mentally capable she would have been the first one to say she needed professional care. :(

My Mum and Stepfather were together for 20 years and never lived together. He came to her house every weekend, and they went on holiday once a year. They were really happy with this arrangement.

I'm currently living alone, although formerly lived with someone for 5 years.

Now have a new bf of 5 months. Not ready for it to get more serious yet anyway, but this sort of thing is on my mind.

My ex was bone lazy and did nothing. He also didn't contribute fairly towards bills. I feel he took advantage of things a bit (albeit I let him). Basically used the place a bit like a hotel. We co-existed rather than spending proper time together.

In my head I will not cohabit again unless we are marrying/having children. I would only consider that if I think our relationship works and he is going to be a partner rather than treat me like a skivvy.

So I now feel slightly old fashioned about it - I'm not going to live with someone else unless it's marriage (but not for religious reasons). Is that completely silly?

Probably! And might never happen of course. I guess I think that cohabiting is hard, and requires effort to make it work. If my bf genuinely wants to build a life together (by which I mean get married, although that is not the only interpretation of commitment - just my interpretation) then I'd give it a go. However otherwise not sure I'm willing to give up my financial and domestic freedom.

This hasn't been discussed with new bf at all by the way - far too early. Just mulling it over.

Just be aware that if you need To claim benefits and are married but living apart, boy do they make it hard!

I've never truly lived with someone, last few partners have been 100+ Miles away so just spent lots of time with them but driving back to my own place for classes etc, and so used to my own save dont thnk I could live successfully with someone now! I wouldn't want to give up my home and risk losing shares home if lived with someone and it didn't work, and ended up homeless; been there once, don't intend to again!

Space not save

That is my worry too. I was financially dependent on an abusive arse. The upshot is I dont want to be financially dependent on anyone ever again, Even if my bf is a super decentguy. It gives me the heebiejeebies.
So my experience colours my view on things for sure. Though my solitary personality always just loved the idea of living next door rather than with :)

Sounds great if that's what you want, but I like living together. I like being able to spend time together without making the effort of getting up and going out, it's nice to share a bed, and it's more practical to share bills and jobs, IMO. Yes sometimes it's annoying when DH doesn't do the washing up the way I would but if it was only me, then I'd have to do it on my own all the time, so who cares that much?

I think this would work well for lots of people.

It certainly solves the problem of wifework.

Nothing wrong with being a natural solitary who doesn't like cohabiting - I did an international commute for a decade, so saw my partner only at weekends for about seven months a year, which worked well for us both -and I entirely respect the decision not to cohabit while you still have a child living at home. But I'm a bit bothered by the bit about it being ok when you're old and it doesn't matter about plucking your chin hairs. Is this all about domesticity envisaged as compulsory loo door open and public toenail-clipping?

For me it is mostly about differences that dont much matter now, but would matter when you share living space. Such as Levels of tidyness (i'm messy, very, and my bf is tidy, for instance), financial arrangements for housing and kids in blended families when Levels of income are rather different and so on. Biggish practical things.

very true turbo, I hated the fact that I was constantly furious about something as mundane as housework, now there is nothing to be furious about.

If we get annoyed with one another over something it doesnt seem to matter because we each go back to our respective caves and forget about it:o

Yes I'm pretty messy and organised and my dp having never been married, lived together properly with a partner or had children lives a fairly pared down tidy home life. It's nice to visit his place but I know I couldn't maintain it truthfully. The plucking chin hairs was just a nod to looking forward to the winter of life with dp really . I enjoy the anticipation of getting spruced up in peace at my own pace to see dp, it gives me a buzz and I know from former experience that would slip if we we were together every day.I need to feel physically attractive and need to be physically attracted to Dp and a little bit of absence for me keeps me on my toes and gives me chance to miss him and therefore enjoy him. It's not all physical of course, we meet on a mental level too hence the wanting to marry him, he's my fit

Well I live with my DH but manage to get plenty of space and 'me time' as we both have our own lives, friends, hobbies and interests (admittedly less time now we have a 17 month old!). I love living with him, we laugh together, get stressed together, cry together, plan together... I'm happiest when he's there. You should do whatever works for you, but I don't recognise this idea of drudgery and contempt for each other that's coming across in some posts.

youmakemyheartsmile thats lovely

I'm not contemptuous btw, just know that living together can be hard if it's not the right person and am once bitten twice shy.

Interesting reading this thread...I adore living with DH (sorry not a stealth boast). I feel it is actually very bonding to deal with domestic issues. There is no one I would rather clean the kitchen with than DH...it just becomes fun. I love all of the little rituals and routines. When we first moved in togethe many moons ago...our relationship got so much stronger/deeper...God I sound like a weirdo! Anyway...not saying its for you but it could also work really well.