Am i odd or just realistic?

[confusedoflondon]

Given the amount of marriage breakdowns we see on here and in life in general I tend to feel that the living in someone's pockets Can and does often breed contempt over domestic things. Been married got the t-shirt. So my partner who I've only been with a relatively short time I would happily marry tomorrow. But not live together. Til we are old. I think this makes sense as we happily live apart now. Have no children together and will not be having any - I am 43, he's 37. He agrees it makes absolute sense but admits he is more governed by societal norm on the matter than me. Thoughts?

I feel the same OP. I am a Lone parent and cant see me living with anyone at least til my boys are grown and flown. I do have a (very new) boyfriend but i very much like that we only see each other once a fortnight or week. I have settled into my own ways and routines and like them. I'm very comfortable with how i live and think i would really struggle with this being someone else's home (other than the Dcs who i rub along nicely with) and having to tolerate their routines and habits that maybe jar with mine. I do however think that i would want to be living with a partner if we were to have a child together. Ive done the single parenting and wouldnt really want to go it alone again.

My parents always said that they would have stayed married had they kept separate houses.

Dad learnt his lesson and never moved in with his partner and theirs was a much happier relationship

My DH and I have been together for 18 years in total, married for 16, but have only lived in the same house for the past 4 years (due to his work location, and my having three children from my first marriage).

Those 4 years have been by far the most difficult, though it is getting easier now. We have three DC together.

Totally agree. Familiarity breeds contempt and all that. Can't see myself ever cohabiting again, much prefer living by myself and wouldn't even consider it until ds has flown the nest.
My friends also think I'm weird .

Agree entirely I would love to live next door to my dh! Domesticity really does bog you down, coming together in old age is a nice idea too. We're at the point of nearly separating but deep down love & care about each other, it would be great to get out from under each others feet and date again. Expensive though....
Didn't Helena Bohnam Carter & her husband do this?

pompodd I like the bond of being married, being betrothed to someone whilat still respecting their space and individuality and never having to fall out of love with all the cute things about them which end up doing your head in down to sheer daily overexposure

Yeah, they did Idont. Didn't stop them splitting up though

well nothing is guaranteed in life

at

Go figure this one too- married men live longer than single men -vv for women.

YANBU

Sorry, wrong thread

confusedoflondon I get you 100%. I -do- live with my husband but frankly my ideal once the kids have grown up is to live in adjoining houses with internal doors between them.

i thought i wanted to live with my DP, but i realise that the idea scares me shitless!

I have one failed marriage behind me (will NEVER do that again!!!), 2 Dd's who are youngish and i really don't think i actually want to have all that shit that comes with living with someone else. My exH was a particularly lazy git with all things domestic, it's really put me off living with someone.

I love DP to bits & luckily, he likes his own space too.

So far the consensus would suggest I'm realistic not odd. This bodes well for me

Definitely not odd!
Spoke with my bf about this last weekend. He is quite keen on moving together despite it being s large blended family with Lots of quirks and children toing and froing. His reaction was not overly thriller when I suggested that I could just buy the
house next door to him instead. To me that would be a complete win-win scenario. Plus two gardens!
Could just build a bridge or tunnel through to the other bedroom.
Not moving anywhere for the next couple of years but would happily marry him in the summer!
Not sure why this desperation for domestic drudgery is. Sure I miss him and would in theory like to see him every day. But then I do like my own company and am happy to remember that absence makes the heart grow fonder and so on. I dunno.
Original plan was to be single for 25 yrs. With that gone to pots I need to cling onto some backwards stubborness just to prove a point I feel :)

mylifetoo how did it work with you having (am I right?) 6 little ones? did you have to get up in the night for the 3 you had with your DH on your own, or did he take them sometimes / did you have nights together for that?

One of the things about living apart is that some tasks are harder, I'm just wondering if you found a solution.

the other question I have is that physical proximity sleeping together can bring a couple closer. We -cant- live apart but I've noticed this as husband sleeps in with the tiny one atm. I absolutely love having my own bed, oh god yes, but I notice it does have an effect on the relationship glue. May I ask how you've found that? (because shoudl we win the lottery I'd truly love to live apart, but still with him if you see what I mean)

Glad so many people get it!! I just can't see the point rocking the boat but that doesn't mean I dont want to commit to him fully and if that means being as happy as we are now by continuing to live separate then I am very content to cherry pick the good bits and can't really see an argument against it

I get it completely.

I occasionally get ridic romantic notions of living with bf in cottage and pottering around on a Sunday, then I remember the rage I feel about co-habiting in general.

I don't want to fall out of love with my bf due to domestic drudery and farts and craps with the door open and I kinda love the excitement of seeing him, and spending our time being appreciative and loving. I don't see that changing at all. It's already been nearly 2 years.

I agree am considering this too

I don't know. I can understand it, and can imagine me feeling that way if, for example, the unthinkable happens and I was to split with DH.

We waited a long time before moving in together - both had our own places and space. But it isn't just domestic drudgery - it's a shared lifetime. It's making a home that is 'ours' and the little routines and rituals that mean nothing to anybody else but help get you through the day. It's waking up in the morning next to someone you love and listening to them breathe. It's not coming home to an empty house and knowing that when you get in, there's someone who will be glad you're back usually.

Having said that, I didn't wait until I moved in to start farting in front of DH and we used to bicker about who did the washing up at whoevers house we were at...so he was probably in a lose-lose situation anyway

We also respect each other's need for down time and keep finances pretty separate - we earn equal amounts, put the same into the bills/savings and the rest is ours to do as we please, which I know is a bit of a no-no in MN terms.

We also have no DCs. I think not having DC's and having separate finances is the key to a successful relationship personally

I don't think you're odd for wanting it - but I don't think it neccessarily makes for a happier relationship. And I certainly don't think it makes you any less committed to a relationship if you chose not to live together.

Are you the same poster who posted about marrying a guy you'd be dating for like 3 months a few months ago? And we all told you you were crazy?

Yes indeed . You all love my wacky take on relationships here on MN

DH and I nearly almost split up before the wedding when we shared this tiny apartment. It wasn't about keeping up appearances or anything, we are gross and do eachothers spots and I wax his back and crack and still manage to have sex with eachother. It was more the constant being there that got to us both. Fighting over TV, him listening to music when I'm trying to watch a film or whatever.

I love him and we've effectively been in constant contact for almost a decade, but having him 'there' All. The. Time. was hellish.

We both agreed on buying a house that's a bit too big so we can have our own rooms with our own personal computer, books, hobby equipment etc, and as we started to fill it with DC, we converted the garage into a 'man cave' where he can play his instrument and get out of my face Rule is you must knock before you enter the others personal space.

Best of both worlds!

I definitely think there are many ways to live successfully under one roof and kudos to those that can. I know myself really well and just know I am not good at living with a partner so I just figure if it's not broke and all that... But marry him. Yes, tomorrow.