DH works harder than me and is envious of my easier life - how to make him feel happier??

[plipplops]

DH is lovely, works very hard and is primary wage earner. I didn't work for 5 years with DDs, now work p/t earning enough to pay for holidays etc.. I only work term time so get to spend school holidays with DDs, and often go to visit/holiday with family without him (but with the kids). He understandably feels he get a raw deal (I see where he's coming from!).

He doesn't particularly want me to work more and I don't particularly want to work more, we're both happy that DDs have us around (he works from home and collects them from school 2 days a week when I get back from work half an hour too late). I enjoy my life and feel I generally have a lovely balance of work/children/looking after the house/seeing my friends but he doesn't.

I've tried encouraging him to do his own thing (go away with friends for the weekend/take up golf again etc) but I think he's too knackered, and also on the weekends he wants to spend time with us rather than do something for himself.

Any thoughts on how I can make him feel like things are a bit more even??

10 hours a day all on his own? He's probably lonely. And loneliness is EXHAUSTING.

Plus he's s/e, got to bow and scrape to shitty people a lot of the time, ingratiating himself. Exhausting.
Plus he can't take a break because the buck stops with him. It's wearing me out just writing it.

OK, I'm not cut out for this but even if he is, he has to factor in his human need for contact. Renting an office out of the home with other freelancers should give him the chance of human contact. Does he meet with other freelancers?

He should consider dong more stuff. It's counter intuitive but sometimes when you are busy and tired, you schedule nothing and the non work time ends up being a blur. Instead, make it count. By carving out time and actually doing things, you end up feeling less exhausted and more fulfilled.

Wow - working from home in a role that will make you financially secure in the future - he is really lucky.

Hi op.

I want to add to some of the other posters my recommendation for your DH to rent office space.

I run my own business, in professional services so client facing and therefore often demanding. I have almost always rented an office outside of home and can't recommend it enough. The periods of time I worked from home were only because I was looking for suitable office space, and I really hate it. There is a massive sense of isolation. when I was really busy with work I went days without leaving the house or seeing anyone. Any opportunities for social life were in evenings so not suitable if picking up kids and doing bedtime etc. really made me quite depressed those periods of time working from home full time.

I rent an office near home for £3k pa. It is great to separate work and home. Great to chat with other people in the building etc and a reason to get properly dressed in the morning.

Also if the budget allows then second freelance help. Virtual pa or use People per hour on ad hoc basis.

I am a sahm, although my children are not at school yet. My husband, though he works long hours in a very demanding job, is really pleased that I am happy to stay at home, for now, and look after the children. He is pleased for us(me and children) that we have a nice life, which obviously includes him when possible.
Your husband is obviously not happy with the arrangement. However, it is not fair to make continually make this clear to you, unless he is willing to reduce the amount of time he works, and you increase your hours to compensate financially(or take a reduction in living standards). I know a few families where both parents now work 3 or 4 days a week. It works very well for them. I also know a couple of families where the man doesn't want to damage his career by being more flexible, but also continually moans about his tough lot in life. I think this is extremely unfair on the sahms.
I hope you and your husband find a balance that is right for your family.

Also well done to your Dh and you for a successful business, that is something to be proud of and takes lots of hard work and guts.

I think this just sounds like a pinch point during the holidays. His set-up would sound ideal to my DH, who leaves the house at 7am each day and gets back at about 7.45pm so sees nothing of the DC at all (except one day when he's back at 7pm for the childminder and takes them home and puts them straight t bed). In term time your DH does school pickup two days? Does he then spend time with them those evenings? And you do three. And you have weekends together. If he were salaried he would only get 5 weeks leave a year so that would be a week or less at Easter. And presumably you do all housework, household admin, children's homework / fundraising for school / daft projects etc? Don't underestimate how much you do do.

Yes move to office space and employ someone else to do some of the work that is taking up his time.

I think this is something many of us go through who are lucky enough to be able to afford to have one partner do more of the kids/home stuff and less paid work.

We chose not to have our daughter in childcare or get in cleaners etc. it's the right choice for us. If we hadn't been able to do that we'd have coped but our quality of life would have been less despite being better off financially. That's the choice you have to make.

Trouble is, DH loves his job and for a long time his work life balance wasnt right for us or for him, although he couldn't see it! It was about his career, not the money as we were doing ok enough.

Last year things came to a head and he has reduced his working hours and his job and career hasn't all fallen apart!

It is a choice for many self employed people or those on salary how many hours they put in above the norm. They may think they don't have that choice but they do. The key thing is in getting them to slowly rein back and see that it is possible.

What has really got my goat is how my long hours (when I worked or studied or both) was seen as a problem and his were not questioned. It's a mismatched world.

Surprised by the 'man up' comments too. My DH has been very supportive in me dropping s day at work since dd1 was born, as I struggled too much with my 60hour a week workload and never saw dd as I was working every evening and a Sunday.
I do think it's a shame that he can't have more time with the kids though. He loves being a dad and actually took 3 months of my maternity leave because it made more financial sense at the time.
I'm on maternity leave now with dd2 and although I know he doesn't resent me, I can tell her feels envious of the set up just now as he'd love to be at home with the girls.

If there's any changes that could be made for your DH in terms of hours or workload, it might be worth looking at. Even just having the conversation will make him feel that you understand his feelings and are supportive of them, even if you both decide there is nothing that can be done at present to change the situation.