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Original poster

DH works harder than me and is envious of my easier life - how to make him feel happier??

85 replies

plipplops · 10/04/2015 09:14

DH is lovely, works very hard and is primary wage earner. I didn't work for 5 years with DDs, now work p/t earning enough to pay for holidays etc.. I only work term time so get to spend school holidays with DDs, and often go to visit/holiday with family without him (but with the kids). He understandably feels he get a raw deal (I see where he's coming from!).

He doesn't particularly want me to work more and I don't particularly want to work more, we're both happy that DDs have us around (he works from home and collects them from school 2 days a week when I get back from work half an hour too late). I enjoy my life and feel I generally have a lovely balance of work/children/looking after the house/seeing my friends but he doesn't.

I've tried encouraging him to do his own thing (go away with friends for the weekend/take up golf again etc) but I think he's too knackered, and also on the weekends he wants to spend time with us rather than do something for himself.

Any thoughts on how I can make him feel like things are a bit more even??

OP posts:
ThePinkOcelot · 10/04/2015 09:17

You could try telling him that if you didn't work term time only he would have to fork out for child care during the holidays.

PeppermintCrayon · 10/04/2015 09:19

does he actually enjoy his job?

Quitelikely · 10/04/2015 09:21

It sounds like a great set up.

You need to ask him to be specific in what it is he would like to change?

You shouldn't have to alter anything.

Could he cut down his working week or could he buy an extra two weeks holiday from his company?

ruddygreattiger · 10/04/2015 09:22

Op, you say he collects kids from school 2 days a week so from this I assume you take them to school every day and also collect 3 days a week? Do you also do the majority of the childcare, housework and cooking? Because if so I think your dp is very lucky that you also work.

Murdermysteryreader · 10/04/2015 09:23

I think the key here is appreciation. Does he know he is appreciated . Also try and carve up time for you together.

pocketsaviour · 10/04/2015 09:23

Is he self-employed, or does he work for someone else? If he's self-employed then he's probably working his ass off to build up his business or his portfolio, which would be why he's so knackered.

If he's working for someone else and he's too tired to do stuff then it sounds like he's got too much on his plate, and should maybe look at his workload with his manager.

Now that you're bringing in extra wage, could he possibly look at working less hours? Or could he rearrange some of his working hours to give him more free time in the week?

You said you have school hols off, but can he not take annual leave at the same time for at least some of it?

Branleuse · 10/04/2015 09:25

i think if hes envious rather than being pleased that yove got a good set up that works for everyone and means you can do without paid childcare, then i dont think there's much you can do. Even if you worked more, would he just prefer it if you struggled more?

mayfridaycomequickly · 10/04/2015 09:25

He needs to be specific about what changes he wants. Could he condense his hours so that one or two days a week he does more hours and takes more holidays?

tribpot · 10/04/2015 09:26

Sounds like the best option would be for him to reduce his hours. Could you increase yours to fund this?

RudyMentary · 10/04/2015 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

drinkscabinet · 10/04/2015 09:36

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to say 'maybe we should look again at how we balance work and life because it's not working for me at the moment'. But that involves him considering how he wants to change his life work balance and what the consequences are/what he needs to do to put that in place. So unspecified moaning is not allowed, he needs to work out if it's possible for him to reduce his hours and/or for you to increase your hours or for either of you to change jobs and what the financial implications of any of those options are.

FWIW I think you've got a set up that a lot of people would envy but if your DH want to do more family stuff and less work stuff then that's reasonable, people on here would be very supportive of a woman who wanted the same.

Jan45 · 10/04/2015 09:52

Sorry but tell him to man up, you look after at least two children I assume and work part time, whose going to look after them in the holidays then, are you meant to take on extra work to pay for that, just doesn't make sense.

My dad worked 6 days a week and my mum stayed home and looked after us kids, it's called being a family, my dad never once complained or felt envious, they worked as a team.

If he hates working so much maybe he could reduce his hours, it's not fair to put his unsatisfactory situation on you.

Maybe83 · 10/04/2015 10:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AspieAndNT · 10/04/2015 10:12

My DH works 5 days a week and I work 2. On those 2 days he leaves work early to collect them from after school club.

I do feel I have a good balance as I get a lot of free time to follow my own interests during the day.

This then allows him the free time in the evening to pursue his. He is home at 6pm so sees the children for a while and then goes out at 7pm.

The weekends are spent with the children ferrying them to their own activities or going out for the afternoon.

He also gets up very early on a weekend and leaves the house to exercise so it doesn't impact on family time.

DH also has weekends away.

OP - Maybe your DH needs to look at his working hours and tweek them?

prepperpig · 10/04/2015 10:13

I am quite shocked at the responses here. "Man up" Shock. This guy wants to spend more time with his family. Men just can't win!

The OP seems quite sensible and realistic in understanding that she has a lovely work life balance. She gets to spend time with the children and also work a bit. Her husband on the other hand rarely gets to see his children and is knackered. Why on earth should he not want to spend time with his DCs too?

My DH is the same. I work from home and so get far more time with the DCs. He works for someone else and sees them far less and is very envious of my position. I understand that entirely.

All the comments about - he gets to save on childcare costs are just ridiculous. So too does the OP.

However - OP your DH sounds fab but it sounds like you need to address the balance slightly. Could he cut back his hours or would that be difficult in his job? DH and I have had a discussion about him not working on Monday and Friday afternoons but unfortunately in his role that would be career suicide. If he can't cut back his hours could he buy more annual leave?

If not then I think the only thing you can really do is to make a conscious effort to ensure that all of the mundane stuff is dealt with during the week so that when he is at home at the weekends he feels like its quality time.

MegBusset · 10/04/2015 10:14

If he's been employed for more than six months then he has the right to make a flexible working request which could allow him to change or reduce his hours. Eg he could do four days, or five condensed into four.

TheUnwillingNarcheska · 10/04/2015 10:21

I have been a SAHM for 11 years. My youngest child is 9.

Dh makes my life easy by earning more than enough money and in turn I make his life easy by doing everything related to the house.

But Dh has a job that means at least 1 day a week he can work from home. He goes in very early to be able to be home before 5pm.

That way he sees the kids for a decent amount of time each day, has a dinner put on the table for him by me and I do all the housework in the week so there is nothing to do like laundry on the weekend.

He loves cooking so enjoys that at a much more leisurely pace on either a Saturday or Sunday. We made sure that the kid's scheduled activities are in the week so if we wanted to go away for the weekend or a day trip we can.

Dh could earn more money and actually progress his career further but loves his work/life balance so stays put.

With your Dh I think you need to ask him what would make him happy? Is he taking enough holidays to spend with you all?

BolshierAyraStark · 10/04/2015 10:26

'Man up'? Ffs Hmm
Why should he just suck up the fact he misses out onsome of family life because of his working hours? OP perhaps you need to look at increasing your hours so he can reduce his. He's obviously unhappy at the current set up so you need to sort something or his resentment may grow.

FWIW my DH would love the luxury of 2 school pick ups but unfortunately his job just isn't that flexibleflexible

BolshierAyraStark · 10/04/2015 10:28

No idea why my phone felt the need for 2 flexibles...

chickenonmycoffeecup · 10/04/2015 10:29

I don't see why he feels envious. Presumably you do the bulk of the housework, cook him a nice meal for when he gets home and are a generally happy and unstressed wife who shows him how much he is appreciated. The DC are happy and well looked after and having a lovely childhood without him having to worry about holiday clubs, etc. I think you have a brilliant set up. Are you sure he really feels like this and it's not just you feeling you should work more?

Jan45 · 10/04/2015 10:31

Calm down, shocked at my comments - he's making the OP feel guilty and feels he has a raw deal, that's why I said it. I am not denying him time with his family I have already said if his situation is not satisfactory then HE needs to change that, not the OP.

SanityClause · 10/04/2015 10:43

I can see why he feels envious. I love spending time with my DC.

Is there any way you could facilitate him spending more time with the DC? Could you do admin work for him to allow him to do more of the childcare that you currently do?

There was a thread about this in feminism not so long ago, started by cailindana, I think. It was about how typically women get the raw deal as far as career is concerned, in our society, but men also lose out by not having the opportunity to become as close to their children.

People need to realise that the patriarchy is a bad set up for men as well as for women!

rollonthesummer · 10/04/2015 10:47

How would you feel if the roles were reversed? Would you be able to work more so he could reduce his workload?

CaptainFabulous · 10/04/2015 11:02

I think it's lovely that he wants more balance; I know my DH will look to work four days when we are in a better financial position.

Is there a way for him to reduce his hours so that he feels he isn't missing out on so much?

And as for 'man up' FFS Hmm

Foolishlady · 10/04/2015 11:07

I don't blame him for being envious, I would find it hard not to be in his position. I do think this is one way women have it easier as it is more socially acceptable to work much less. Is it possible for you to work a little more for him to cut down a day? Or make savings as a family so he can work a little less?