DH works harder than me and is envious of my easier life - how to make him feel happier??

[plipplops]

DH is lovely, works very hard and is primary wage earner. I didn't work for 5 years with DDs, now work p/t earning enough to pay for holidays etc.. I only work term time so get to spend school holidays with DDs, and often go to visit/holiday with family without him (but with the kids). He understandably feels he get a raw deal (I see where he's coming from!).

He doesn't particularly want me to work more and I don't particularly want to work more, we're both happy that DDs have us around (he works from home and collects them from school 2 days a week when I get back from work half an hour too late). I enjoy my life and feel I generally have a lovely balance of work/children/looking after the house/seeing my friends but he doesn't.

I've tried encouraging him to do his own thing (go away with friends for the weekend/take up golf again etc) but I think he's too knackered, and also on the weekends he wants to spend time with us rather than do something for himself.

Any thoughts on how I can make him feel like things are a bit more even??

Ah, so he works from home and is self employed, that puts a different slant on it, I thought he had a workplace he went to each day that took him away from the house.

Apologies if I came across too critical then OP, your initial post intimated that it was somehow up to you to solve this and he was slightly resentful that you only worked part time etc.

I actually would have thought being self employed and being at home would give you more time with the family but you say he can't get out or away form it all, if neither of you are both interested in him changing his job situation then he might just have to suffer it, is there a chance the business will get easier as the years go by?

I still don't see the correlation between his situation and yours though.

This sounds like us. My children are a older now (14 and 11) so I am am thinking about getting a better paid job with more hours to take some of the financial pressure away, but in recent years DH has actively been trying to crave time out for himself. He takes a couple of days a year to go to cricket matches, he goes singing in a choral soc once a week which he loves, whatever takes his fancy. It took a while for him to let go of the reins a bit though and he has staff to cover for him a bit so that helps. I did what I could to encourage him but it had to be him that made the effort and to realise his work life balance was not doing him any favours.

Does your DH take holidays at all? What do his clients do then? I am sure with enough warning his clients would cope with some time off without him losing them. He needs to feel that it won't all come crashing down round his head if he finishes early one day a week or takes some time off. It is a confidence thing isn't it?

I think you should have given him Saturday as family time or a break.

You say he works 10 hours a day, does that include weekends or does he have weekends off.

And is it all necessary time or does he drift off to check emails or something when, technically, he does not need to be working.

You could get a Saturday job and leave him with the children and housework to sort out, then perhaps he might not resent your time so much when he sees much of it is as routine and boring as his?

To be honest, it sounds like he's being a litte unreasonable.

He isn't happy with working so much and seeing you have time with the kids etc, but also doesn't want you to work any more hours. You can't really have it both ways, can you?

Is this the sort of stuff that only comes out when you are arguing about other things, or have you ahad proper conversations about it?

However, I can totally understand him wanting to see more balance, and you wanting to make things better for him - but you're never going to achieve this on your own. I would echo what PP's have said and suggest you talk to your DH about it. Really he needs to be the one to tell you how the situation can be improved for him.

Problem is, the two main options here are either you work more, or you adjust your outgoings/ lifestyle to cope with him working less - but it doesn't sound like either are that pallatable to him.

If he isn't willing to go with either of these, or suggest any other alternatives, then he does need to suck it up and stop making you feel guilty for his choices.

Sorry OP don't have any advice also sorry so many people seem to be judging you and DH while not offering advice.

Whoops! Missed your second post.

But still think along the same lines.... if he's just generally moaning then he's making you feel guilty for his decisions which isn't really on.

As others have said - he needs to be specific about changes he would like to see which would make him feel better about the situation. You second guessing that isn't likely to help all that much.

There may be some little things that would help... maybe some family time during the week if he can carve it out of work time would help, but again he needs to make the decision.

I am wondering about two possibilities:

Because he's at home, he sees what you're doing/not doing, whereas if he worked out somewhere else he would not. Would it help for him to have a small office somewhere else?

Secondly, does he actually work efficiently while working? I have experience of watching someone who supposedly "had to work" incredible hours, holidays, etc. in his own business, but who actually was so amazingly inefficient that he could have worked half the hours but more productively and made more money in the end.

For many people, being self-employed means they don't have the structure that helps most of us be productive, and that coupled with seeing you finish with things and enjoying the DCs and your friends, could be difficult. Is there anything here that could be improved?

I feel sorry for you OP. I am in a similar situation to you but DH makes me feel valued for what I do and I never feel guilty for 'working' less than him. We see it as a team effort. Would he rather you work full time and have the dc in childcare? Then he would also have to do cooking, cleaning etc. so life would be harder for him.

If you can afford a drop in income, it might help for him to try an ddrop down to a four day week or a less pressured job. While DC are small there's no point is both parents being shattered and frazzled, and forking out most of one salary on childcare. Better all round if one is at home. But would he like that person to be him for a while? Could you swap roles for a few years? Is he aware of the massive implications of that on his final pension, his promotion prospects etc.?

Many women have a few years once the DC have started school before they're back working FT when their work/life balance seems idyllic from the outside, but in reality most are soaking up all the family stresses - the meltdowns and sick days off school, the day to day decisions and jobs that seem invisible until no one's around to do them. If he wants that role, then maybe both of you could do three day weeks and make sure the housework and family admin is fairly split between you.

Why is he so knackered? A 10 hour day is fairly normal for most people working full time plus commute. Could he be depressed.

I feel a bit sorry for OP and her husband...both getting a bit of stick by some posters. I read the post as someone describing a balance they both chose and accept but one just wishes they had a bit more time with their family , and the other wishes their partner could have what they have...what on earth is so wrong with that?! It's not about one being responsible for the others happiness..it's just someone asking for practical ideas as to how they can help their partner feel happier.big difference. OP I understand.. My H has a more flexible job than I do and at times I am envious. But I don't blame him, whinge about it etc. but I would be lying if I didn't admit I wish I had that life too sometimes

He can comfort himself with the thought that if he decides to leave you he'll be richer than you with a better pension.

And he could read Wifework, so that he can see some of what you do as being worthwhile.

Or you could go into business with him and work with him so that he can spend more time with the kids while you do some of his work. That way you're not actually taking more time out from the kids as a couple but he gets to spend more time with them and you're growing your family business with him, rather than your work being outside the business?

I think it is unfair that OP is made to feel that she has the easier life. She should feel like she is making an equal contribution to her family and her DH should appreciate and value her as much as she does him.

I read it as He is a loving hard working DH and she is a loving caring DW. A healthy relationship with far to much judgement from some angles. Its natural for you to want to make him feel better, unfortunately no one here can tell you, only he can. Realistically there might be nothing you can do, it sounds like he understands the arrangement is the best for everyone right now. Simply you asking might be enough.

How a man can be criticised for wanted to spend more time with his family is beyond me though. The OP has said he isn't trying to make her feel bad about it.

wonder if a factor could be that he is loathe to take annual leave because of being self employed?

is there more he could do in terms of managing work-life balance and/or cover to enable him to have time off?

If you're both still essentially wanting to continue with this choice then it might be good to identify small things that could help.

Is there anything within the business that you could be trained to do op so that you could chip in and give him some time off?

All the usual "looking after school age children and keeping the house clean is such hard work" crap. Men really do get the short end of the stick in this kind of scenario, which is no doubt why some women don't want that to be acknowledged in this kind of thread.

If he has staff, is it time for him to run a stricter holiday rota so not everyone is off at once ?

Can he build relationships with freelancers so he can get cover when others are off?

I would definitely second the ideas above of renting an office out of the house, pairing up with other trusted freelancers to cover breaks (those both worked for me) and you taking on some business tasks if possible (that has worked well for a couple of friends with self-employed husbands. It is vital when you work for yourself to treat it formally so you don't end up working all the time.

10hrs is not a long day considering he does not even have the stress of commuting. My DH leaves at 7am (latest) and does not get home till 6pm (earliest) and still has the energy to do his hobby.

He really should not be that exhausted every evening.

Aspie, I don't think that's a fair blanket statement. It depends on the job, the person, health, stress etc.

The OP works during term time as well Vicarscat. What do you suggest they do differently?

Is there a reason why he shouldn't work hard, or normal full time working hours? Surely that is normal, particularly when you have a family to provide for. Most people in my last office job here worked 8-8.30am til 5.45pm or later, then had to commute. And maybe a snatched 20 minutes for lunch or a sandwich at their desks. Many had children. If you want a more lazy life, then you can live on benefits or have a NMW job (and even then might have a lot of stress). And 10 hours a day isn't that much - more than that is standard in many professions.

You also work hard and do the majority of childcare - I see that as being equivalent to what he puts in, at least.

Unfortunately, the nature of paid work is that it involves sacrificing much of your day in order to get paid; no-one pays you for looking after your own children, or doing nice, fun things. Its the reality of life I'm afraid.

What I suggest that they do differently is either she works more and he works less, or they live a more frugal life and he works less. Maybe she could earn more if she didn't work term time only, for instance, allowing him to work less and spend time with the children in the school hols, or do less in the evening. It is possible to be out of the house for less than 10 hours a day, without simply living off benefits, as someone has suggested! But it may mean a drop in income. Many mothers would not be happy working such long hours.