DH works harder than me and is envious of my easier life - how to make him feel happier??

[plipplops]

DH is lovely, works very hard and is primary wage earner. I didn't work for 5 years with DDs, now work p/t earning enough to pay for holidays etc.. I only work term time so get to spend school holidays with DDs, and often go to visit/holiday with family without him (but with the kids). He understandably feels he get a raw deal (I see where he's coming from!).

He doesn't particularly want me to work more and I don't particularly want to work more, we're both happy that DDs have us around (he works from home and collects them from school 2 days a week when I get back from work half an hour too late). I enjoy my life and feel I generally have a lovely balance of work/children/looking after the house/seeing my friends but he doesn't.

I've tried encouraging him to do his own thing (go away with friends for the weekend/take up golf again etc) but I think he's too knackered, and also on the weekends he wants to spend time with us rather than do something for himself.

Any thoughts on how I can make him feel like things are a bit more even??

I can understand his resentment - women in this situation really do have the better deal, assuming the man is not work mad and would like to spend more time with their family.
I think that the OP should try to increase her working hours, either that or the family economises, to enable the husband to reduce his working hours. He can request flexible working - working from home one or two days, or working shorter hours, or one less day a week, or additional holiday entitlement. Needs to discuss the options with his employer. The OP should be prepared to compromise, as she has a great deal at the moment, and has had for many years.

What does he want to change? Does he actually want to work less? Spend more time with the children? I think it's always good to look at both partners' work life balance but he has to say what he wants and then you can both see if there are ways to shift things and make choices to achieve that.

The other thing I would bear in mind is that "enjoying life" can be a personality/attitude/emotional approach thing. From your post you sound like a sunny relaxed person who enjoys herself whether at work, with your family or with friends. Maybe he is more of a grass-is-always-greener/glass is only half full type and moaning a bit about his lot in life is part of the picture, especially if it elicits ego-massaging sympathy and appreciation from you. I really like a bit of pessimism and everyone needs appreciation but I would beware of trying to leap in and make him feel all better about his "raw deal". He needs to help himself by properly identifying and communicating what he wants and finding ways to do it.

Do you think your financial set up could cope if he reduced his hours somewhat or perhaps asked to take unpaid leave in the school holidays so he could spend more time with you and the kids? Its a big ask I know.

If he could do that would/could you up your hours at work?

I think when you have young families that you constantly need to address 'is our set up working?' 'are we all happy?' because needs and wants change all the time as families evolve.

I understand his feelings - he and I are in the same position. But OP your awareness of the situation and readiness to consider alternatives is enough I think.

It's all I ask of my DP because I can do, and would love to do his SAHP role but there is no way he can do mine. It's a compromise. I suck it up although it makes me wistful sometimes and it used to make me sad when the dc were small - he understands and appreciates that it's hard on me - it's being a family and we've made it work for nearly 18 years this way.

It sounds as if he doesn't like his job and is envious of your leisure time. I can see why he is a bit disgruntled. Not sure what the answer is though. No point in you working more if you don't need to in order to make him feel better.

Jan- at no point did op say her dp was 'making her' feel guilty. She is simply aware that he is not happy with his work life balance and doesn't know how to improve it. Sounds like a healthy relationship to me.

Can't offer any more advice than has already been suggested, but i hope that someof the advice works for you and your family.

I'm not surprised by the 'Man Up' comment from Jan45.
Jan45
The first words in your post were 'Sorry but tell him to man up' and you didn't really say much about changing the situation. 1 sentence! So your backtracking on your last post about calming down was a little misleading. Why you feel the need to post negativley on a largley positive thread is beyond me.

It's a tough one OP and I feel your DH pain. My DW is a SAHM and has been for the last 16 years. I'm out of the house for up to 12 hours a day, 5 days a week and miss our DC and my DW terribly, it does not help that I don't enjoy what I do.
If it's any help, when the children are older, ours are 12 and 16, they don't want to spend much, if any, time with their parents.
If housey things havn't been done during the week then both my DW and I will blitz them on Saturday morning so the rest of the weekend is free.
We also make sure we all sit down at the table for dinner, nearly every night.
We will often all sit down at the table for Sunday breakfast.
Saving clubcard points too is a good way of saving up for cheap days out with the family.
Good luck OP

DH works harder than me and is envious of my easier life - how to make him feel happier??

Drew, I write what I see fitting, the OPs OH seems to be burdening her with his situation, she works and looks after I assume at least 2 of their children, someone has to take care of them in the holidays, she does and therefore saves them a further expense.

She has also encouraged him to do things for himself, unless we actually know his working hours I don't really see what else she can do.

He needs to take responsibility for his own situation and not make it obvious to her that he feels envious or he has a raw deal.

Perhaps I have read it wrong but initial thoughts are by manning up he is actually taking on board that it's him that needs to change his work/life balance. The OP should never feel guilty about not working as hard as he does, two kids and a job is hard enough.

In a nutshell, it's not Op's job to "make him feel happier"

She seems open to compromise, so the onus is on him

If all he does is show his resentment by whining and spoiling the family time he does get then yes, he should take a more mature approach (like the OP is doing)

He could look for a part time job and you could all cut down on holidays. That seems like it is what he would like?

Your DH fancies achieving the same work-life balance so it must be worth having a detailed look at the household budget and seeing if it's possible for changing the work side of his life.

Materially you may have to adjust expectations, look at outgoings, see if there's scope to scale back.

Working towards a particular goal or treat can help, short term, but feeling that you are trapped in harness gets suffocating so I hope you and DH find a solution. What about a brainstorming session this weekend?

By 'works harder' do you mean longer hours, or that his work is physically or mentally draining, or both?

The obvious answer seems to be to change his work

Does he not see that your actually working hard looking after the family too? He sounds rather selfish IMO

Reducing his hours to even up his work/life balance is the obvious way to deal with his envy. That inevitably means less income for the family as a whole so rejig budgets etc; there will be fewer treats as the things you currently spend money on will have to be curtailed as you will have to take up the slack in the day to day things.

If he doesn't want to reduce his hours, then Ihave no idea what he can do.

It's up to him to feel happier about his life. He needs to change things if they aren't working for him. 'Man up' is perhaps a bit extreme, but I'm closer to that viewpoint. You earn money for the household, look after the DCs, (I suspect) do the lions share of the housework AND have the responsibility of his contentment? That's not fair on you.

Just open a dialogue with him saying you feel he doesn't like the balance you both have now and all you want is for him to be happy.

So ask him what he thinks would need to change in terms of your working hours for that to be the case? Or find out if there's anything you can go to support him in making changes to his life that will make him happier.

OP - you've tried making suggestions as to how he might change things. He's rejected those.
He is an adult.
You've already done more than might be expected: really, he should have been the one to consider ways to make himself happier with his life.
If he needed to get fitter, you would never consider going to the gym and exercising on his behalf. You'd realise that would. S daft: he has to do it!
Likewise for mAlaises of the soul: it needs to come from him.
What I'm hearing is that you are happy with your life. He is not happy with his. He deals with that by resenting you.
That, my dear, is not lovely.

...oh and if he's moping and not acting, tell him that's not on.

Why is it that women Re expected to look After men's emotions for them? It's beyond babying, you know. It's a kind of psychological arse-wiping - but somehow it's so normLised in our culture we can't see how utterly bizarre it is.
Really, I'll say it again: he's an adult!

OP - it is GREAT thst you are happy in your life. achieving that is a marvellous thing.

Yes and somehow if you are at home looking after children you are not doing any work, it's bloody hard and it's socially restricting, the OP does have a job too.

the line about he works harder is just wrong. on every level.

If you work full time it's common sense you are not going to spend as much time with your children, we all have to do it, he's not in a rare situation.

I realise I sound harsh. Thing is, I've been in a similar situation. Dh was filled with a simmering resentment, mainly about his life, always directed at me, often bubbling over into coldly violent fury.
I tried EVERYTHING to deal with that resentment in practical terms , taking his articulation of it at face value.
I made myself a docile, charming, helpful, undemanding companion; I worked term-time and did all the house-work, child-care and emotional stuff; I suggested he work p/t, we move, he take holidays alone 'to relax'.
Roll forward a few years and I now work insanely hard; he earns a great wage. He goes out partying after work, comes home when he feels like it, does no housework, rarely sees the chdren.
He still resents me and thinks I'm lazy.

The rage, the chaos: it's inside him.
The dynamic of you being happy; him resenting that ... I'll be honest - that worries me. That's exactly what dh was and is like with me. and it wasn't ANYTHING to do with reality.

Wow thanks for all most of your replies

He works for himself running a successful business, it's not the type of thing where you can just reduce hours (if a large customer wants the work done you need to do it or they might not come back iyswim). He works from home, probably 10 hours a day (so is cooped up inside and really wants to get out and do family things on the weekend. There's just no option to reduce hours in the same role, however in time we hope he can step back and be financially secure for the future which be amazing. As he's at home DDs can pop in and see him when they want, if he had an office job for less hours but had to commute they'd see him much less. It helps me loads that he can do the couple of school runs, I enjoy doing all the ones I do as I can see my mum friends.

I do cook but I'm not great (or enthusiastic), and I keep the house pretty clean and tidy although it could be much better (my garden's lovely though!!)

He's not whinging or whining, or actually putting any pressure on me to do anything different. This has only come up now as I've had 2 weeks off with the kids (seeing friends (mine, not theirs), visiting family, going to the park/cinema) and am out all day this Sunday with my mum. He's got staff off this month and LOADS to do so is feeling under constant (though manageable) pressure. Then I thought aloud about going out for the day on Saturday too which would firstly mean we couldn't do anything as a family and secondly mean he couldn't just take it easy either day. I have been mostly taking it easy for the last 2 weeks.

I was interested in whether any of you had any helpful ideas as I want him to be happy, right now he can't reduce his workload and the amount I earn per hour compared to him is so low that even if I worked full time it wouldn't do much.

btw he doesn't resent me being happy, he's very pleased that I'm happy. DDs are mostly great (6 and 7) and a doddle to look after, so in the holidays in particular we mostly go places I'd like to go with people I'd like to go with! I feel equally sorry for friends of mine who work in the holidays and can't be with their own kids, and I think it's reasonable to feel a bit sorry for DH cooped up working just because he has a higher earning capacity...

Really, the fAct that you love him enough to care should be a good way to being enough. Getting fed fVourite food works brilliantly with my children. Loving gestures - even as simple as just listening - that show you SEE someone, and you think about them, know them, care about them: these things are priceless.
At base, we all want to feel that we matter, are real, are important. For the majority of us, that will only come in the form of a loving relationship with another person.
Small things: a special breakfast, post-if notes with a message of live, a pic-nic dinner, a night out arranged by you - these are all easy to manage gestures if care.

I've done all of these . My dh hated all if them! But I think that was him. He said they were expensive, intrusive, twee and annoying. I wish you better luck.

This is the life he is choosing for himself. He wants to be self employed so he has to put in the hours. That's up to him.

You say that he hopes in time he will be able to step back and have more time off. He is doing what millions of others do, sowing the seeds now, puttiing in the effort to reap the rewards.

This is no different to what you are doing. You put in the effort when the children were babies and needed lots of time consuming, draining, dull, hands on care. Now you are reaping the rewards of older children who can enjoy days out and be more socially rewarding.

So I'm afraid that if he does want to remain self employed he will need to continue as he is and see it through.

Alternatively he can take a job that might not pay so well but you could also increase your hours and use the extra money to cover childcare, so that you both get weekends off with the children. Ask him which he would prefer.

If he wants to stay as he is, accept that that is his choice and he is happy with it.