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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found ladies pants in my laundry basket

113 replies

brokenhearted · 02/11/2006 09:05

Just took washing out of machine and there is a pair of ladies plain black M&S cotton pants! At the moment I am stunned, shocked and feel numb. I am trying hard not to cry but I don't know what is going on. I took the DC away on fri night and DH was also out and stayed in london with a couple of work colleagues. Am I right in thinking 2 + 2 = 4? What would you think, help, I am going crazy and don't know how to tackle this.

OP posts:
marymillington · 02/11/2006 09:49

Honestly, if your DH had been up to no good surely he'd be careful enough to ensure the bird with boring pants took her dirty laundry home.

Why are you assuming the worst? Does he have track record for philandering?

TheDaVinciCod · 02/11/2006 09:50

sorry no
it hink your inita reaction si correct

Mummymonster · 02/11/2006 10:05

what's wrong with plain black m&S pants!

Brokenhearted - Talk to him about it, that's the only way you'll get an answer, then go from there.

And mega big MN Cyber hugs

Original poster
brokenhearted · 02/11/2006 10:12

To answer some questions: No I have never had any reason to suspect him of anything. He has been on pain killers and blood thinners since July. I was wondering if maybe he 'just told me' he couldn't get it up so as not to have to IYSWIM. Maybe as an excuse not to have sex with ME. How can you sweep up someone elses laundry from a hotel room? Expat, I think your comment of telling me to get a grip is a really mean thing to say, I am already feeling low and very sad, your comments do not help the situation.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 02/11/2006 10:14

brokenhearted it is WHOLLY possible that anyone's husband wears ladies underwear

The first clue I had that my husband was a cross-dresser was when my lycra dresses were out of shape...

morningpaper · 02/11/2006 10:14

(not that I'm saying that your husband IS, just that expat's comments were not at all unreasonable)

NotQuiteCockney · 02/11/2006 10:23

Yeah, cross dressing is fairly common, from what I know. I don't think EIS's original suggestion was outrageous, tbh.

Ellbell · 02/11/2006 10:23

Cross-dressing is a lot more common than people think. Strangely enough, a lot of men who do it don't like to talk about it. I am very good friends with a man who cross-dresses (not my dh). He has been in a happy relationship for about 15 years and has kids. His wife knows about it. Itis eminently possible that it's something your dh has thought about, bh, and that he thought he'd give it a try to see if it helped the erection problems. (Not saying it's likely, but it is possible.)

I'm sorry you're going through this, bh. I think that the only thing you can do is to confront your husband with the pants, and with an open mind, and see what he comes up with.

Ellbell · 02/11/2006 10:26

Crossed posts with NQC.

I also think it's important not to underestimate the psychological effect of erectile problems for a guy. Obviously I don't know the details, but I wonder which came first, the relationship problems more generally or the erectile problems.

Good luck anyway, brokenhearted. I think all the comments on here are meant to be constructive. I really really hope that there is an innocent explanation.

aweebitgross · 02/11/2006 10:28

If he was with a woman just for a night surely she must have been looking for her knickers the next morning? Unless it was planned and she had an extra pair with her? Ask him. Only way if you ask me. Wash them and show him them.. say they were in the wash basket and they're not yours, ask him if he has any idea who owns them, it's what I would do. And it does sound like you have made your mind up anyway. Hoepfully there's a reasonable explanation heartbroken.

Heathcliffscathy · 02/11/2006 10:32

i have to say, putting them in the laundry if he is having an affair, or a one off shag is surely not what he would do??? throw them out more like

what would be the point, to wash them and give them back to her. for this reason i wouldn't be too worried about this tbh.

aweebitgross · 02/11/2006 10:33

Or, maybe he picked them up with his laundry and threw them in the wash basket without noticing them?

Original poster
brokenhearted · 02/11/2006 10:36

No I havent made up my mind as to whether it is innocent or not, nor do I want to 'point the finger' and have him think I believe he would go with someone else, he would find that damm right hurtful that I could think like that. His 'so called' erectile prob has never been a problem until now. I just had a thought and perhaps they belong to a friend of DD from a sleepover. I did ask her to tidy her room on sunday and now when I look again, the 'guilty pants' were with the washing that came from DD room!!!!

OP posts:
ratclare · 02/11/2006 10:36

if they are size 14 i will gladly take them off your hands ,cant beat m&s undies

bubblerock · 02/11/2006 10:39

Just ask him - you should be able to tell by his reaction if he's innocent.

lou33 · 02/11/2006 10:41

i have to admit i did wonder if he was crossdressing when i read it initially

i doubt he is having an affair, he would be more careful than to drop someone elses knickers into the laundry

random unexplained items of clothing turn up in my laundry sometimes as well

Blu · 02/11/2006 10:41

Call the mother of DD's freind and ask whether they are hers...without giving any of your worry away, of course.

But it does sound a very likely explanation!

xena · 02/11/2006 10:45

I'd be tempted to calmly ask him, but be looking directly at him so to gauge his inital reaction

Mum2FunkyDude · 02/11/2006 10:48

My question would be, if he is having an affair he would be much more careful in hiding things and would not show up at home with a pair of undies from someone else, unless he wants to found out. Is it possible his friends were playing a trick on him? Is it possible they went out and a women stuck the panties in his pocket as a joke (maybe flirting thing) and that nothing happened?

I can also veto the blood thinners thing, but it will get better iyswim.

ProfYaffle · 02/11/2006 10:51

Dh and I stayed in a Hotel once where we found someone else's pants in the bed! [gross emoticion] So that's possible. fwiw i think both the pants and lack of sex can be explained away, ime an affair is usually given away with change in behaviour and emotional distance.

Original poster
brokenhearted · 02/11/2006 10:55

So do I challenge him, and risk his feelings being hurt by my suspicion? His behaviour towards me has not changed at all in recent months.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 02/11/2006 10:58

I'd check whether they were your DD's friend's pants first!

bizzi · 02/11/2006 10:58

How old/What size is your daughters friend, that sounds a very plausable answer, ask your daughter very casually before tackling dp..

Blu · 02/11/2006 10:59

Brokenhearted - I think people haven't been reading your post about DD's friend.

Honestly - I wouldn't do anything at all until you have managed to ask DD's friends mother whether she has lost her pants - or ask your DD. You don't have to make a big suspicious deal of it...just casually enquire.

morningpaper · 02/11/2006 11:00

What size pants are we talking about here?