My parents are weird and I'm finding it hard to cope with...

[KingJoffreyFanciesDarylDixon]

My dad is always angry. Always looking for stuff to get cross about. He's poised, waiting for me to fuck up.

He came round yesterday and immediately had a go at me for 'forgetting' to put my bins out. I had put them out, then brought them back in once they'd been emptied. Told him this - feck knows why I felt the need to defend myself. He then told me there was rubbish in one of them. Yes, stuff I'd just put in. Made me anxious - goes back to him going through my bedroom bin as a child and my mum going through the bathroom bin checking my sanitary towels as a teen (no idea).

He phones a lot too. Will often phone shortly after I've finished a nightshift or really early and then moan because I'm asleep. If I don't answer he keeps phoning. Takes it personally if I don't answer.

My mum is equally difficult. She's started letting herself into my home (going to look at getting new locks). If I've left something out she'll read it. I left a packet of pills on the side once and she had a good read asking what they were for. If post arrives when she's there she'll go through it, ask what it all is and hover around me trying to read over my shoulder if I open it.

(I think she's developing dementia. She's started making really racist comments. Something I'd rather not listen to.)

I'm a private person. Mostly because I had no privacy as a child. None. I was so anxious all of the time.

They also seem to come into my house and take it over.

Is there any way I can keep them at arms length without being horribly rude??

My mum used to be like that (my dad literally just can't be arsed.)

For some reason, she changed. Still not the nicest mum on the planet but not nosy/controlling etc. Not sure what changed.

No advice but sympathy. It really sucks.

God, that's horrendous. You had no privacy as a child, and you don't have any privacy as an adult. Checking used sanitary towels? Jesus.

You don't have to put up with this anymore. Change the locks, limit the amount of visits and time spent during visits. Screen phone calls. I know it won't be easy for you, but unless you establish firm boundaries, your parents will bully you, infantilise you and control you for the rest of their days.

NC is acceptable these days. Totally identify, I left a country to solve similar. BTW you will feel horribly rude no matter what, that's the gift they have given you. That's OK, its not you, it's them.

I think you need to set some firm boundaries. "Do not phone after x o,clock or before y o'clock Dad as I will be asleep". Then turn your phone off. When he moans about you not being available just keep saying " I am asleep between x and y time so I cannot talk to you then" (broken record). Don't enter into any negotiation or dicussion of whys and wherefores, just rinse and repeat as above.

With mum "do not go through my things. I don't like it" - again you don't have to justify why or why not just "I don't like it" or even "It is my home and I don't like it.". When she fails to get the message (as she probably will) change the locks. Then "I changed the locks because I didn't like you going through my things. I asked you not to but you didn't take it on board" Again just rinse and repeat.

Ignore any accusations about not loving them, not caring, being heartless etc. Just say "That is not the case. I cannot speak to you between x and y because I am asleep" or "That is not the case, I changed the locks because ...." etc. When Dad says, well I might be having a heart attack at 3 in the morning and you wouldn't know, just say "well in that case, you need to phone 999 because they'd be able to help more than me" etc.

You will then proabably get wild accusations about a) being pregnant and not wanting them to know, b) running a brothel, c) being Jane Bond a spy d) having a boyfriend who is James Bond a spy , e) being a drug dealer f) having a boyfriend who is a drug dealer, g) being gay and not wanting them to know h) having a girlfriend who is a drug dealer etc etc etc. Ignore, rinse and repeat as above. They will have to accept it eventually

Why should you go to the expense of getting your locks changed? Just ask them for the keys back. If they ask why say 'because you don't need them and I don't appreciate you just letting yourself into my home and going through my stuff when I'm not there.'

Make them give them back there and then and do not take no for answer.

And if your Dad phones at a really inconvenient time then TELL him. Say 'Sad, you know I've just done a night shift and I need to sleep now - why do you keep doing this?'

If he refuses to listen turn your phone off and unplug the landline. Stand up for yourself for goodness sake.

I would change mine. If you told them to not to do it, and they refuse to listen and respect your boundary, then you can't trust them. Asking them to hand over the keys would not be enough as they probably made copies.

Sorry your parents are shit, OP.

Feel free to come join us on the Stately Homes thread where we all know about the kind of shit you've been facing.

There are some good resources posted on the first page of that thread. I'd particularly recommend reading "If you had controlling parents" as well as "Toxic Parents".

Its going to be very unpleasant and they are going to throw all sorts of emotional blackmail at you but honestly if you're going to have any life at all you're going to have to stand up to them.

They sound bizarre.

You need to get tough on boundaries. Your parents are not allowed in your house without invitation. You either get your keys back or you change the locks.

You decide how often you want to see them and stick to it.

You don't have to have them in your house if you don't want to. You could go round to theirs or meet them out for a coffee.

Next your dad makes a bins comment or similar roll your eyes and ignore him.

My DM is like this, she doesn't get that things are just personal which is a shame. Because she's spent so much time doing similar things including something similar with sanitary towels and periods I now find it tough to let her in to my personal life. She's just been round and gone through a pile of post, thankfully mostly cards but then took a relative in to my bedroom which I specifically asked her not too. So yet again she's been spoken to and again, won't be allowed to be unsupervised. It's never ending and makes my very private DH uncomfortable.

If asked for the keys back I'd never hear the end of it. They'd ask for them constantly. They do have a kind of entitlement/control issue going on.

They were here yesterday and getting them to leave was hard. I had a mate coming over with his 6 year old and they had to be out before he got here as my mum makes bullshit comments - racism, especially while the election hoopla is taking place.

A new barrel for the lock is £16. Need to do a B&Q order anyway. Need some paint and a bucket. I'm going to go for it.

Also going to get some sturdy locks (possibly even a padlock) for my garden gates so my bins are safe.

Sounds like a plan. Keys can be needed for a friend? You've lost yours?

At the end of the day, if you don't speak up they'll continue taking the piss.

But if you change the locks and they realise they can no longer get it you will still never hear the end of it! What difference does it make except that one will cost you money and unnecessary work and the other won't?

By all means change the locks but if the problem is a bad as you say then it doesn't really solve anything. If they never find out then it means they weren't letting themselves in in the first place.

I can change the lock as we've been discussing security recently. If they mention it then I can use that excuse.

New lock comes with three keys. One each for me, DP and DS. There won't be a spare and I can just keep putting off getting another one cut.

Is my peace of mind as much as anything.

Also, they may well have got another cut. I don't know. My dad has a thing about keys. He's got keys from a few of my old houses 'just in case'. It's odd.

Like I said, it's a control thing.

And I'm feeling better just for placing the B&Q order. Kind of empowered...

Ah, angry racist bullies are they?

Send them this:

NOTICE OF INTENDED LEGAL ACTION

Mr and Mrs Joffrey: you have repeatedly entered my dwelling when I am not present and caused me distress by phone calls when you know I am asleep. Be advised I intend to seek an injunction in the County Court under the Protection from Harassment Act if this behaviour continues.

Then, when they kick off and come to the house screaming and shouting, call Plod. Then get the injunction. PM me and I'll walk you through it.

Ah, angry racist bullies are they?

No, only one of them is angry and only one of them is a racist...

I'm not sure she actually knows what she's saying though. I mean, it's pretty but I don't think she quite makes the link.

I work with people with dementia. There's something there. I can't quite put my finger on it but there is something going on. I think it's the very, very early stages of it.

I am sympathetic, but it's still hard to deal with.

No, only one of them is angry and only one of them is a racist...

That was a bullshit defence, wasn't it?

Read my own post with a face like this:

I'm going to buy a copy of Toxic Parents. BRB.

I can change the lock as we've been discussing security recently. If they mention it then I can use that excuse.

I don't think you ought to feel that you need an excuse. You're a grown-up. 'Yes, we've changed the locks.' 'Why have we changed the locks? What an odd question. Now – cup of tea?'
etc etc

Agree with PP about repeating yourself like a broken record and not justifying yourself. You don't want them to do it, simple as that you don't need to give any more of an explanation, you're an adult and it's your home.

I have similar issues with my parents, but have toughened up as above in the last year and am starting to see the effects. They would move my things (furniture etc) about if they were here babysitting, or if they 'happened to be passing' while I was at work (they live in another city about a 40 min drive!) DM would throw my things out if they weren't to her taste and replace them with things she likes (plates, cushions, towels etc) and they would seriously undermine me with DS1. They criticise everything about my home, I just reply "I like it as it is" and smile.

Now they rarely babysit as I would rather pay more for someone that has some respect and I have adopted the rinse and repeat approach it has improved, they now consider to be even more 'difficult' than before by hey ho at least my home is my own!

Good luck it is horrible and unreasonable.

*consider me to be even more 'difficult' than before...

KingJoffrey - I am sorry, it sounds absolutely horrendous for you. No wonder you are struggling.

As a number of very wise posters have said upthread, I think you need to set some boundaries with your father and be firm about them. You don't have to get angry - in fact, it is way more powerful if you don't! You simple need to say 'I will not answer my phone at this time, I do not want you entering my house or checking my bins, I am a capable adult who is perfectly able to look after herself and I find this behaviour very undermining'. If your father gets cross (and I am sure a speech like that, however reasonable, is bound to make him cross, you simply say that you would like him to leave, or that you're going to hang up the phone because you won't be spoken to like that. It will be a BIG shock for him, and he will go through all kinds of anger, denial and hurt - but he needs to do it because his behaviour is just not on. You can help yourself by ensuring that you don't ask them for any help and that you do everything on your own from now on, so they have no cause to say that you need them practically or financially.

About your mother - I know what you mean about that 'weird something' that changes. My aunt has early onset dementia, and in her it started with increasingly angry and then racist comments about the world. There was something undefinable about it that meant that you could tell that they weren't just the views of someone who was well. My mother has always disliked her sister and found her moody (my mother was the golden child, sister the excluded and failed scapegoat, so it's not exactly surprising that she had issues about it) and kept insisting for a very long time that there was nothing wrong with her and she was 'just like that' normally. Eventually, she was diagnosed and this has now stopped, but it prevented her from getting the early interventions that can be very useful in ensuring that the later progression of the disease is a little easier. I would trust your professional expertise on this, and broach the subject of getting her tested sooner rather than later. Again, I realise this will be really difficult. However, it may help you as you try to reset boundaries with her as well.

I think the truth here is you cannot sort this without talking to them. Yes, change locks and turn your phone off, but you also need to deal with nagging that will inevitably follow. educatingarti has it - factual sentences, used like a broken record.

Oh, and please understand and accept, they do not have any rights to your time or your house You have the right to say no, without any explanation, and to be heard by your parents.

My aunt has early onset dementia, and in her it started with increasingly angry and then racist comments about the world. There was something undefinable about it that meant that you could tell that they weren't just the views of someone who was well.

Yes!

And it's not just racism. She makes daft comments (loudly) about gay men (gay women don't seem to trouble her so my lesbian friends are safe), blonde women (myself included), has a huge be in her bonnet about disabled parking and will go off on a rant at anyone she deems 'not disabled enough' to be using it (despite years of her borrowing my gran's blue badge and pretending to limp ), anyone really.

She's started saying stuff like, "Well, he/she must be thick. They're working in a shop/restaurant/bar." Me pointing out that as a society we need people to serve drinks/make pizza/clean makes no difference.

I've stopped going out for meals with her since we were in a local pub and she laughed at a bloke having a quiet pint at the bar and called him the 'resident alcoholic'. It was one pint. And even if he was an alcoholic I expect he had enough demons to battle with without half the pub gawping at him.

She laughs and looks around for everyone else to laugh with her. My dad ignores her. I tend to try and shush her. DP is finding it almost impossible to be around her.

I have mentioned it to my dad. He just says she's 'slow'. Also says she's not racist/homophobic/nasty, she's just saying what everyone thinks.

It's draining. And her coming into my home is really distressing me. I need to mentally prepare myself for it. Even if it is just a knock. She's also quite hard to shift once she's in.

Should probably add that I have an anxiety disorder and ASD. I really need my space. The anxiety stems from my childhood. They caused it.

Sigh.

Angry is right. Just had a call asking if they can come over on Saturday. I said no. Working Saturday night so want to have a nice lie in (until about 2pm) and then chill out and watch a movie before I get ready for work.

Huge huff. All stress at me down the phone and ended with a passive-aggressive, "Oh, all right then."

He doesn't like me sleeping, you see. He once turned up at 11am after I'd finished my shift at 8am, got into bed at around 9am and had a go at me for not being wide awake. I'd had some sleep (2 hours worth) and I had no right to be tired.

It's fucking annoying.

Anyway, I said no. But I feel very guilty and uneasy. Why is that? What's that feeling called? I need to google it.

My mum comes out with shit like that, a LOT.

People who drive cars with large boots are probably murderers, because why else would they need all that space?

Anyone wearing a suit is a money-grabbing capitalist bastard who's probably shovelling uranium into the earth and cackling.

People who cut down trees or shrubs should be (literally) shot.

All male babies should be lobotomised at birth to remove "the angry part of their brains".

So she's kind of approaching the same point as your mum, but from the opposite direction.

Definitely not dementia in her case. She's just been becoming progressively meaner and nastier as she's got older.

We are no no contact, and it's a blessed relief.