My parents are weird and I'm finding it hard to cope with...

[KingJoffreyFanciesDarylDixon]

My dad is always angry. Always looking for stuff to get cross about. He's poised, waiting for me to fuck up.

He came round yesterday and immediately had a go at me for 'forgetting' to put my bins out. I had put them out, then brought them back in once they'd been emptied. Told him this - feck knows why I felt the need to defend myself. He then told me there was rubbish in one of them. Yes, stuff I'd just put in. Made me anxious - goes back to him going through my bedroom bin as a child and my mum going through the bathroom bin checking my sanitary towels as a teen (no idea).

He phones a lot too. Will often phone shortly after I've finished a nightshift or really early and then moan because I'm asleep. If I don't answer he keeps phoning. Takes it personally if I don't answer.

My mum is equally difficult. She's started letting herself into my home (going to look at getting new locks). If I've left something out she'll read it. I left a packet of pills on the side once and she had a good read asking what they were for. If post arrives when she's there she'll go through it, ask what it all is and hover around me trying to read over my shoulder if I open it.

(I think she's developing dementia. She's started making really racist comments. Something I'd rather not listen to.)

I'm a private person. Mostly because I had no privacy as a child. None. I was so anxious all of the time.

They also seem to come into my house and take it over.

Is there any way I can keep them at arms length without being horribly rude??

Gosh, what which all these people checking on their daughter's sanitary napkins/pads? I keep hearing about this. Creepy. I guess i am glad I use a diva cup.

That makes more sense I guess imperial, well if you are that type of person.

There's been an update.

Gazillion missed calls. Did call back, explained I was at work. Response? Well, we were trying to get hold of you.

Apparently when they were outside earlier they called DS who didn't answer. Then they broke in round the back and yelled up to his bedroom window. The curtain twitched. They think DS is now disrespecting them. Don't think he is. Twitchy curtain was probably a cat.

That said, DS does know how upset I am about them barging in.

I told them that DS was just following my instructions about not letting anyone in but they wouldn't accept that as an excuse.

Anyhow they now want to 'see about things in the future' if DS is 'going to be like that'.

Fuck it. I'm just relieved.

They.are.barking.

You poor thing OP. I think you should call 101 for advice- this seems like harassment.

I agree with Polly. Their behaviour is extremely intrusive and disruptive.

They're going to start bullying your son too. Use that as your motivation to deal with this decisively.

You need to contact the police and let them know you had an attempted burglary.

Joffrey, I'm so sorry that this is happening to you.

You are being systemically tortured by those who should have your best interests at heart.

There's a lot of grief in your posts.

I hope you can find the time to really grieve the loss of your parents. Counselling helps, but do contact the police and get an injunction.
What they're doing is illegal, immoral and quite frankly, shockingly cruel.

You deserve so much better, and your DH and DS does too.

Keep posting also, there are many mumsnetters who really care about you and how you fare in the future. I care what happens to you. I really hope you can break free, and have the wonderful, calm and joyous life you deserve.

I think part of the issue was them not being able to get in. They mentioned on the phone a key being in the lock on the other side. They know this works as they've done it when babysitting so I had to knock on the door to get into my own home.

I feel both upset and relieved.

I'd like to smooth things over but I'm not getting DS to apologise for not letting them in when I asked him not to.

He's a lovely boy and I'll bet they're calling him all names under the sun.

Them calling me while I'm at work has fucked me off. Do they not understand I have a job?

They do not care about you, or your job, or your ds, or your sleep deprivation. They want to mess with You. I do not know why they do it, but for starters just keep making sure they cannot do it. Block them on all phones, lock them out. If they escalate (brick through window? breaking in? yelling at house from street? Going to your workplace?) call the police and get every incident logged. Do NOT call them back and give them an opportunity to bitch and moan at you about your unacceptanle behaviour and your ds's disrespect. And if he did ignore them - good for him!

Can you and your dp try talking to them together? Does he back you up?

I think it sounds like time for no contact - they don't sound to be bringing anything positive to your life at all. Protect your ds from their shitty mind games.

You need to not call them back if they call while
You are working. Draw the line then stick to it.

OMG - don't smooth things over. Just stay away from them, and keep them out.

There's a situation I've read about in books by psychologists where one family member is made the 'problem', the black sheep or similar, life revolves around dealing with them/ fixing them.
In fact it's a dynamic that forms that allows the family (your DPs in this case) to avoid sorting their own issues. They are too busy messing you about.
You need to make a stand.

Also, I would tell friends that you think DM might have Alzheimers - then you will get sympathy instead of horror at her comments.

Personally I'd call the police, non emergency line and ask for advice.

I'd maybe also invent a "friend" who is suffering the exact same as you and if you are to speak to your parents tell them about said friends crazy overbearing family. To see what their reaction is.

But def police and advice.

Umm I'd also suggest you drop in on the Stately Homes thread (the one with the words Stately homes in the title) as I think you probably have a lot of work to do to sort out your boundaries and deal with your parents.

Phoning 101 is a good point.

But you need to realise you are perfectly within your rights to: not let them in your home when you don't want or you aren't there, to not reply to their phone calls, to protect your son from them etc.

Dear god OP, you poor thing. Someone upthread used the word torture and I don't think that's overstating things at all. This is seriously messed up stuff. You have a very good understanding of what is going on here - you know that they don't see you as a person in your own right, nothing you do is ever good enough for them and now they're starting on your DS too. They sound seriously unhinged.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ANY OF THIS.

I agree with others that this is the time to start detaching. Do not take any action to 'smooth things over' - they have absolutely no right to treat you like this. Phoning 101 for advice is a good idea. Listen to your gut - now they are threatening to end their relationship with you, you are feeling relieved. Not shocked or horrified or desolate or any of the other things you would be feeling if a good, healthy relationship was about to end. Relieved. Listen to your gut feeling and stay with it. What they are doing is so wrong.

I have a bonkers mother.

Your real problem here is that you want to smooth things over that you regard it as a serious problem that I'd never hear the end of it So what if they moan and shout? So what?

You have to accept that if you enforce boundaries they are going to be absolutely spittingly furiously furious, possibly forever. You'll have to detach and block it out. Them turning into nice normal people will never happen.

You have a pre-teen DS? Please teach him that you do not always smooth things over. Some things need to be left ruffled.

It is important for children to understand that if you stop a person from behaving badly towards you then sometimes the naughty person gets very angry and that is OK. You just leave them being angry. Their upset is not your responsibility to fix.

It sounds to me like you definitely need counselling.

Great advice from MelonBallers.

Standing up to parents like this can be terrifying OP. Lots of us on here have been through it and it is properly scary, because you have been conditioned all your life to believe that they are so much more important than you are. Breaking the habit of a lifetime is scary stuff.

It can be done though, and life gets so much better for it. Honestly , the world does not fall apart. 'So what?' is a good question to ask yourself. So your dad is furious - so what? People get angry, people face disappointment, things don't go their way - so what? It's part of being an adult that you manage your feelings about these things and don't take them out on other people in a narcissistic rage.

And a thousand times YES to counselling. This is dark, sad, scary stuff that goes to the very root of what you have been brought up to believe about yourself and the central relationships in your life. It's extremely tough, maybe even impossible, to untangle this alone. Professional support will be invaluable to you. Seeing a therapist was the best thing I have ever done - the most painful, but still the best.

I quite like the phrase 'Friends are the family we choose for ourselves'..this puts family relationships in perspective.

So would you accept this behaviour from a friend? No, therefore it's unacceptable from a family member.

I've had instances of my Mum screaming at me down the phone for decisions I have made as an adult. It's at those points I just think "Would I accept this behaviour from a friend?" -No. So I just hang up and let her cool down, etc.

What a horrendous situation for you. Such an infringement on your personal space and boundaries of your family.

I really displease him. Everything I do is wrong. His favourite hobby is critising me.
I had one who was like that 95% of the time. He praised me just enough to keep me hoping, till I got sick of it. It's wearing, it's appalling for your self-confidence and self-belief, it makes you feel that you have to justify yourself all the time, it makes you self-conscious, anxious and generally a bit neurotic - it's very harmful.

The thing is, when people are rude (as your parents are OP, crashingly so) sometimes the only way to deal with them is act in way that they will consider rude in return. This will make them livid, but some things cannot be 'smoothed over' forever. Well done on changing the lock. Keep going.

(And I would never dream of checking my DDs' sanitary towels! Just NEVER!)

I've installed my hasps and padlocks - making use of B&Q quick quick delivery..!!

Turned into a bit of a DIY event including painting the gate but it does look nice and I'm VERY secure. Pretty sure my dad wouldn't climb over it but am going to keep the back door locked while I'm sleeping, just in case.

I did see my mum yesterday. She rang up and asked to come round, had tea and general chit chat. Was fine. Can't complain.

If he does climb over it, your next step is going to be some of these.

I'm at their behaviour and I think you are being amazingly tolerant and resilient about it all. I'd have cut them off years ago. Normal people do not behave like this.

@ your link pointy

Well, it's making you very proficient in diy and general intruder safe.

Glad your mum gave you an easy visit. I was wondering if they would have been visiting again already.