My parents are weird and I'm finding it hard to cope with...

[KingJoffreyFanciesDarylDixon]

My dad is always angry. Always looking for stuff to get cross about. He's poised, waiting for me to fuck up.

He came round yesterday and immediately had a go at me for 'forgetting' to put my bins out. I had put them out, then brought them back in once they'd been emptied. Told him this - feck knows why I felt the need to defend myself. He then told me there was rubbish in one of them. Yes, stuff I'd just put in. Made me anxious - goes back to him going through my bedroom bin as a child and my mum going through the bathroom bin checking my sanitary towels as a teen (no idea).

He phones a lot too. Will often phone shortly after I've finished a nightshift or really early and then moan because I'm asleep. If I don't answer he keeps phoning. Takes it personally if I don't answer.

My mum is equally difficult. She's started letting herself into my home (going to look at getting new locks). If I've left something out she'll read it. I left a packet of pills on the side once and she had a good read asking what they were for. If post arrives when she's there she'll go through it, ask what it all is and hover around me trying to read over my shoulder if I open it.

(I think she's developing dementia. She's started making really racist comments. Something I'd rather not listen to.)

I'm a private person. Mostly because I had no privacy as a child. None. I was so anxious all of the time.

They also seem to come into my house and take it over.

Is there any way I can keep them at arms length without being horribly rude??

We are now* no contact.

But I feel very guilty and uneasy. Why is that? What's that feeling called?

FOG. Fear, Obligation, and Guilt.

Do some reading around narcissism, as well as the Toxic Parents book.

Oooo, I know about Narcissism.

SiL has NPD (diagnosed by myself and MN) and there's one at work.

Bit harder to be objective about your own parents, though...

Joffrey - your mum sounds a lot like my aunt. Can you get her to a GP, or is it all just too hard to deal with?

You need to start protecting yourself with some boundaries. You can't necessarily make your father stop acting so unreasonably, but you can a. make it clear that you don't like it/won't tolerate it and b. work on your own reactions so that you can let it run off you like water off a duck's back, instead of feeling the FOG (great spot from pocket, as usual).

You are entitled to some sleep, for God's sake! How can that possibly be unreasonable?

It's called FOG and means fear, obligation, guilt. I experience it too, as a child of toxic parents. The stately home thread is amazing.

You are entitled to some sleep, for God's sake! How can that possibly be unreasonable?

It's surprisingly common. MiL always likes to phone the afternoon before a nightshift (worked the same days each week for years). She'd always say the same thing; "Sorry, I know you're asleep but..."

I don't answer her now. Only when she rings at a sensible time.

I had another 'friend' who'd text repeatedly when I was asleep getting more and more irate if I didn't answer.

I suppose waking someone up is the ultimate control. Especially when you know they do a tough job which requires them to think, are at risk of being sacked if they dose off and know that you're someone who doesn't function well on minimal sleep (I get very headachy and vomity).

Can you get her to a GP, or is it all just too hard to deal with?

Neither of them really listen. My dad will say, "Mmm." and forget about it immediately and my mum will do this weird laugh she's picked up.

I'm not entirely sure why they visit.

DS (also ASD and introvert) finds them massively draining too. He's nearly 12 but my mum talks to him like he's a baby and asks him an exhausting amount of questions and doesn't listen to the answers. After they left yesterday he went to be totally mentally exhausted.

My dad just seems to pick on every aspect of my life. 33 years of it. You'd think he'd have run out of stuff by now. He was grasping at straws a bit with the bins...

Ah, kittens.

They're here a lot at the moment because I have kittens. They like kittens. They'll be going to their new homes soon (hopefully).

I might get fewer visits once they've gone.

Very understandably, your boundaries are screwed, OP.
THIS IS NOT OK.
Start turning off your mobile or using do not disturb mode if you have it.
Start unplugging your landline.
Start telling them what you will and will not put up with.
And tell them they aren't having a key straight away - they will only bang on about it if you make excuses, just cut to the chase.

Very understandably, your boundaries are screwed, OP.

They are. SiL walked all over me until quite recently. I don't know what my issue is. I've been taken advantage of loads by friends, family, flatmates.

I don't think I ever knew what boundaries were.

Except I must do. Because the mad shite people do to me I'd never do to someone else. Am quite black and white, though. Aspie thang...

(I meant to write 'thang'. Is not a typo.)

But it's not you - it's them!
It's ok to stand up for yourself. What does your DP say about it all?

DP tells me to stick up for myself. He's always pleased for me when I do!

He'd go along with whatever made me happy.

I expect one or both of them also have asd. Usually, it's the Dad.

Would explain the key thing, and the bin obsession. Sometimes people with asd don't realise what they do is not normal or intrusive. And everyone's asd is different.

It sounds to me like because you have ASD they see you as in need of their care and they can't stop worrying about you and still need to micromanage you like a child because they think you can't be trusted to cope or do things properly without them.

KingJoffrey, I just became anxious on your behalf reading about your parents. My parents were never that involved/interested in my adult life and I've always resented that s bit but I'm a big 'personal space' fan and would have reacted like a petulant 15 year old every time my parents acted as you describe yours doing.

I honestly don't think I'd cope with that level of crazy and intrusion.

I think part of the problem is they're closer now.

I left home at 17 and moved to a different town. Even if they had keys to wherever I was living it was a fair journey to make (over an hour on a bus, they do drive but prefer buses) so they only came round when it was pre-agreed.

They have always got very stroppy if I said no.

Now it's like being a teen again. I'm an extension of them, not a proper person in my own right. My stuff is their stuff. And my dad is so happy to have a go at me if he needs something I don't have. He tuts. And does the passive-aggressive, "Oh, all right, then..." thing. The other day it was string. Why the fuck would I have string? Previously it was cheese. Was declared 'stupid' for not having it as it's a staple - never mind that I'm allergic to dairy and too much of the stuff makes me vomit...

I really displease him. Everything I do is wrong. His favourite hobby is critising me.

He used to like to call be 'stupid'. I did stand up to him about that and said if he called me that again it would be the last time he saw me.

My anxiety was sky-high yesterday after Wednesday's carry on. I installed a bolt (had one handy) on the inside front door so I had some 'space'. Was really stressing that they might just walk in.

My new lock/barrel thingy came and I have installed it - was actually very easy. Was slightly stressed that I'd got the wrong size or something but it's all good.

Working Saturday and Sunday night. My mum's started coming round on Sunday and wandering about downstairs while I sleep. DS spends most of Sunday in his room (pre-teen), he does stuff with mates all Saturday so Sunday is his resting day.

I'm a light sleeper so hear her. Always feel obliged to come downstairs, bleary eyed, in night clothes and make tea and small talk. Then she won't leave despite me yawning and saying how tired I am. I get an 11 hours break between two 13 hour shifts, they think me sleeping until 1am is sufficient and I should get on with it. DP tells me I should ring them at 1am and wake them. They're retired though so it's pretty pointless.

Anyway, I'll be all secure tomorrow.

Thanks for the lovely support. And if B&Q are reading; thanks to you guys too. Amazingly fast delivery!!

:)

I'm glad you'll be all secure. They sound really difficult, you are quite entitled to carve out some space for yourself and you don't need to feel bad when they get cross, because they are being unreasonable.

I have a feeling they'll turn up tomorrow even though I told them not to.

I'll get DP to lock the door when he leaves for work and I'll keep the lounge curtains closed.

I genuinely never hear the knocker.

I'm reading this. You poor thing. What they're doing regarding depriving you of sleep is just sadistic. You need to be able to rest properly, without interruption for as long as you need. That's a basic human need they're trying to control.

I'm so sorry you've had to put up with them but I think you need to draw your boundaries firmly. It is not on for them to call or contact you during your rest hours. Tell them this or it will make you ill in the long term. I'd lock the doors from the inside and unplug the phone. Get Dp and ds to reinforce this.

Tell them this or it will make you ill in the long term.

I've been saying it for years. It makes no difference. None at all.

They just say, "We thought you'd be up by now..." which just makes me feel lazy.

So you say - I get up at x time on x day. You don't feel lazy. You don't enter into any further discussion.

Then you say - when they wake you up again - I get up at x time on x day, you know this, don't wake me up again.

You don't say - why did you wake me up? Because there is no good reason or explanation. You say - don't wake me up again. That's all. Again and again.

Can you keep the kittens and rehome the parents...? :)

Seriously though, this would drive me insane. You're a saint for not having gone postal at them. I hope your new locks work !

Sigh.

Worked last night. Just woke up to two missed calls at around 2.30ish - I'd turned off both sound and vibration because I'm a light sleeper.

So, obvious attempts to wake me up.

Came downstairs to let my house bunny out for a bounce and there's some stuff by my back door. They'd clearly been round, tried to get in and then gone round the back.

Pretty fecked off. I have a side alley thing where I keep my bins with a gate lading from the front of the house. I'm convinced this gate was bolted. They would've walked past my bins which they may have gone through.

Then there's another gate which I bought a lock for when I got my door lock but can't fit it myself (DP was going to do it on his next day off. They came through this gate as well.

Pretty fucked off. I leave my back door open most of the time so my bun can get in and out. Today it was thankfully shut and you can't open it from the outside.

I just don't understand why they're doing this. The invasion of privacy I understand - they have no boundaries. But what't the obsession with waking me up?

I'm really unhappy about this. It's messing with my head.

It sounds like they just do not care that you are sleeping, they just do not care what you want or need. You are doing the right thing in just blocking their actions; you've tried talking and you can't get through. Get the gate locks sorted ASAP and keep your phone ringer on silent whenever you're sleeping.

It hurts. It actually hurts.

I only work weekends. They're retired so it's not like they only have weekends to see us.

I work hard. I need sleep. Supposed to be training a new person tonight and I've got a resident who's really ill. I need to be on the ball.

When someone else can't/doesn't do a job properly they're the first to complain about it.

They've always done this. I've worked nights now since I went back to work. Getting on for ten years. They've always tried to stop me sleeping. Always.

I'm totally fucked off.

Ordering some hasps. And some big, fuck off padlocks. DP wants to get CCTV .