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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to get my bf back after cheating on him

98 replies

samantha303 · 09/04/2015 07:36

I have been having a lot of issues with my boyfriend of a year and 3 months. He's been emotionally abusive for a year and He's promised to change. But he has never really made the effort to change other things in our relationship such as he's never willing to improve our sex life. I cheated on him three times with the same guy.
I didn't even like the guy. I have always felt insecure about myself and felt sad about my bf not making effort to change. This is no excuse for cheating and I can never forgive myself.
Later on the guy who i cheated with started to develop feelings for me and wanted a relationship. I started to like this guy and the way he said how I should leave my boyfriend cause he is abusive he will never change etc make me question my life and my relationship with my bf. But I never wanted to leave my bf. I love my boyfriend and I can see a future with him. I had sex with this guy three times until my bf found out from our text messages. This affair lasted for 3 weeks.

I feel really really really really sad I just want to kill myself and die. I love my bf to death. Although things weren't working out well in our relatonship but I always had faith. Now I made a terrible terrible mistake and I want to know what I should do to get him back. Please help me!

OP posts:

AlternativeTentacles · 09/04/2015 07:39

How about - not killing yourself and not going back to an abuser? Give yourself a break and start to like yourself before you get entrenched in another relationship again?

gubbygubby · 09/04/2015 07:39

Lucky escape I would say. Ea is most of the relationship. Imagine in 5 years with a child in tow. Get out while you can

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 09/04/2015 07:43

Why do you want a relationship with someone who you immediately describe as emotionally abusive? What kind of future can you see with him?

It's clear you're in a really bad place right now, and if you are truly having thoughts of suicide, then please look for some support for yourself- you can always call/text the Samaritans to talk about how you feel and help you work out what you want to do.

For what it's worth it sounds like you should not be pursuing a relationship with either of these men, or anyone else at all at the moment, but concentrating on yourself, not pegging your self-worth on someone else.

Original poster

samantha303 · 09/04/2015 07:44

I really do think he will change and he;s proven that he has made changes. Please help me how to regain his trust. Im so sad and hate myself so much

OP posts:

MargotLovedTom · 09/04/2015 07:44

So he's already emotionally abusive and now he's got another stick with which to metaphorically beat you?

You're really and truly better off out of it!

Original poster

samantha303 · 09/04/2015 07:48

Can someone please help me regain trust instead of suggesting me to break up? I really love him and believe he will change. I feel so suicidal right now

OP posts:

Weebirdie · 09/04/2015 07:51

Please call the Samaritans as there really is no one here to help with your suicidal thoughts. And you may also want to try and contact Womans Aid who may be able to help you understand an abusive relationship.

You sound in a very bad place and I hope things improve for you soon.

HairyMcMary · 09/04/2015 07:51

Samantha, please walk away from both these men and find a way to realise that the most important person to love you is yourself.

Seriously, go and talk to your GP about low self esteem and say it s causing you to get into emotionally abusuve relationships. Your GP can refer you to counsellling .

Please, Samantha, your life does not need to be validated by a man who is abusuve in the very first year of a relationship. You are worth more than that and there are people who will love you without being abusuve. But you need to know that you are lovable to yourself first.

Fatstacks · 09/04/2015 07:52

Second what Weebirdie said.

Good luck.

rumred · 09/04/2015 07:53

I think you need to concentrate on sorting yourself out. Talk to friends, arrange some counselling, do productive stuff. If this relationship is meant to be it will get sorted when you are more sorted. You sound quite unwell so please work on that and leave the relationship stuff until you're in a better place

DragonWithAGirlTattoo · 09/04/2015 07:55

Sweetie - you deserve more than this, you dont need this guy back. If you cheated on him, its most likely because you didnt feel he was worth your love (which from what you say, he isnt)

move forward, allow yourself to be sad, shove some crappy power ballards on the cd player, bawl your eyes out, and then get up dust yourself down and go and find a new worthy man!

Dosydoly · 09/04/2015 07:55

My first thought was the same as margots, he'll use this to emotional abuse you even more. You'll bend over backwards, never question anything he does because 'you're the cheat' the one that can't he trusted, the one that doesnt deserve any privacy. Please please at least separate while you work through your own guilt by yourself and then decide if you still love him.

DragonWithAGirlTattoo · 09/04/2015 07:57

Also, think about it from the outside (sometimes helps) how would you feel if this was your daughter in this 'relationship'?

are you really happy when with him? or scared of being alone?

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 09/04/2015 07:57

Samantha with the best will in the world, we're strangers on the Internet but even so noone on the MN relationships board is likely to be giving out advice on how to 'win' back an abusive relationship. From your post, what screams through is that you pinning your self-esteem on how someone else perceives you- healthy relationships happen when you love yourself first.
Please speak to someone who can give you proper support as it's clear you are feeling really bad right now.

HairyMcMary · 09/04/2015 07:59

Cross posted, Samantha.
People are saying what they are saying because WE care about you.

Don't hate yourself. You were desperately seeking some affirmation in the face of someone who was bring abusive.

Sorry you feel so low now, calling the Samaritans is a good idea, they are very good and there for people who are feeling like you do now.

Here's the thing: relationships that have potential for a long future can withstand a long beginning. If there is hope for your relationship it will wait while you take time to feel stronger in yourself and he proves he has changed.

ShadyMary · 09/04/2015 08:03

The cheating was your sub conscious voice telling you to destroy this "relationship". It sounds like you're not able to walk away from it, so thank your subconscious for making you cheat. Give your sub conscious flowers. Mine did a similarly "self-destructive" thing, except it was a catalyst. those are for your self-conscious

Do not return to this relationship. Please have some counselling (ringing the samaritans is a good start). Read books about self-esteem.

Original poster

samantha303 · 09/04/2015 08:04

Thank you so much guys for posting!! But he IS making changes and he IS improving and knows how not to use languages to make me feel sad.

I just want him back!! I have been crying all night in his room for 4 hours nonstop and now back to my room for 3 hours. Couldnt sleep. I'll ring Samaritans as I feel I will have suicidal thoughts in the next couple of days. I feel so so so so sad

OP posts:

ShadyMary · 09/04/2015 08:09

It's all a sham pet.

Any man who finds it easy to take, take, take, abuse, gaslight, sulk, strop, blame and criticise and judge in a relationship is not a man who can suddenly turn around and start treating the same women well. They can't do it. They only treat people well if that woman or person has something they want or need.

At the beginnning he wanted presumably to get in to a relationship with you so he was a bit nice.

Now he sees you there, your self-esteem in the gutter, he sees your absolute distress and your guilt and your shame and he is capitalising on it, banking it for his credit.

I really really hope that you don't get back with him becauuse as Margot said, he will capitalise on your cheating and use it as a metaphoric stick to beat you with.

Be single for at least a couple of years and work on building up your self-esteem until you would rule out instantly a man that treats you badly.

Trazzletoes · 09/04/2015 08:10

Then give him time and space to show that those changes are real and permanent. And give yourself the time that everyone here has suggested to get back on your own 2 feet. If it's meant to happen, and If he really has changed, he will wait as long as it takes for you to get yourself together and get tis healthy place.

Original poster

samantha303 · 09/04/2015 08:15

I called the Samaritans and they said they cant help me. Im so devastated

OP posts:

AuntieStella · 09/04/2015 08:16

Believing someone will change - means they have not changed.
Seeing a couple of baby steps - still means they have bit changed.

It is always a bad idea to go back to someone you know to be abusive.

I think your infidelity shows that, despite what you are saying this morning, he is not someone you truly want to be with. It might just be the wake up call, or exit affair, that gets you out of a situation with your current boyfriend.

And people here are seeing it that way, rather than the way you seem to want, because you have nothing good to say about him.

ouryve · 09/04/2015 08:18

You've been together for 15 months and he's been abusive for 12 of those months?

There is nothing worth salvaging.

AlternativeTentacles · 09/04/2015 08:21

Look love - they don't change into non abusers. They may change their methods, their ways of getting you back, their lies and stories, but the abuse never actually goes.

Because at the heart of it 'they are abusers'. End of.

You lived without him before you met him and you will do again.

Original poster

samantha303 · 09/04/2015 08:23

Can someone please help me i feel so suicidal and im just in my room alone

OP posts:

Original poster

samantha303 · 09/04/2015 08:24

I want him back

OP posts:

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