How to get my bf back after cheating on him

[samantha303]

I have been having a lot of issues with my boyfriend of a year and 3 months. He's been emotionally abusive for a year and He's promised to change. But he has never really made the effort to change other things in our relationship such as he's never willing to improve our sex life. I cheated on him three times with the same guy.
I didn't even like the guy. I have always felt insecure about myself and felt sad about my bf not making effort to change. This is no excuse for cheating and I can never forgive myself.
Later on the guy who i cheated with started to develop feelings for me and wanted a relationship. I started to like this guy and the way he said how I should leave my boyfriend cause he is abusive he will never change etc make me question my life and my relationship with my bf. But I never wanted to leave my bf. I love my boyfriend and I can see a future with him. I had sex with this guy three times until my bf found out from our text messages. This affair lasted for 3 weeks.

I feel really really really really sad I just want to kill myself and die. I love my bf to death. Although things weren't working out well in our relatonship but I always had faith. Now I made a terrible terrible mistake and I want to know what I should do to get him back. Please help me!

I had the question as Lem. What about his behaviour was abusive?

A lot of abusers DON'T change. I've worked with abusive men in and out of prison. In my work I had to have the attitude that everyone has the potential to change but the sad face is, most abusers don't and generally not without extensive therapy.

Those that do 'change' usually just adapt their abuse. You can win him back by backing off and looking like you're getting on with your life and but he'd only be coming back because he's no longer the focus of your attention.

And if you do get back together. I promise you he will punish you for cheating. If his emotional abuse was bad before, it will be worse now.

And for every abusive act he perpetrates on you, you won't be able to object or get him to see your point of view because everything will come down 'I'm only angry/hateful/hurtful abusive because you cheated on me'. He will see your cheating as a get out of jail free card for whatever shit he heaps on you.

Believe me. I know what I'm talking about.
And listen to his Mum, she probably knows him better than anyone and if she's telling you it'll take him a long time to change she means he probably won't but she doesn't want to upset or ostracise her son.

And you should not attend couples counselling with an abuser. Most counsellors usually won't see couples where there is abuse currently or very recently happening.

I didn't want to say this because everyone will say 'LEAVE NOW'. He hit me physically once over a small issue (spilling water everywhere). He promised he'd never do it again and he didnt hit me either last night he found out i cheated. (im sorry if i said this already cos I had no idea if i mentioned it and I just had a serious long discussion with my friends).
i somehow believe people can change, because I love him too damn much. I knew he wasn't going to change and my head told me to cheat on him.
I feel so hurt that I am willing give him multiple chances to change his abusive behaviour which is worse than cheating according to everyone on here, but he never realised how bad the abuse was to me and he never felt that he can give me a chance like I did.

I feel so remorseful. I just lost the love of my life and I don't know what to do. I miss him so much already and wants the life with him (but probably not he himself) back.

He emotionally abused me sometimes. I made a post on Loveshack.org before and copied and pasted on here. He also enjoys making racist jokes about me but has changed that. Although sometimes old habbits die hard and will still hurt me

(I made this thread January, 2015)
I have been going out with my boyfriend for a year now. Three years ago, I moved to a new city. I have been handling anxiety problems since then and kind of just pushed my friends away from my life somehow. Since our relationship started, I have not been happy half of the time. I think my bf has a lot of expectations on me. He always talks about how few friends I have, and the fact that I don't have fancy hobbies.
I grew up poor, always have a lot of stress from family, and can't afford to pay for fancy hobbies. The only hobby i can afford is teaching myself how to draw and it is totally free. He is the opposite. He came from a rich background. He is smart, has a great job which pays well and he admitted that he;s never had any trouble in his life.
I usually got really upset with him when he made comments like 'I can't understand why you can't get a job at company XYZ, they are not difficult to get in!' or 'Do you not have friends at all? Does nobody like you?' etc. And obviously he thinks they are merely jokes.
Now he's changed a bit and know how not to make hurtful comments, but I still feel really bad about myself whenever I'm with him. I think I'm not good enough, I think I am bad at everything. Sometimes I cried for a long time when he ditched me for his frds. It's like he got into my head, he made me think that no one likes me so he is the only one who i can hang out with.
I don;t know whether it's naive to want to have someone who loves me for being me. He said he was joking but i think he does think im beneath him otherwise he wouldnt even joke about it.
Im not happy in my relationship anymore but I do love him. I feel horrible and I don't know what to do.

'Most counsellors usually won't see couples where there is abuse currently or very recently happening.'

Could you elaborate please? :(

It's like he got into my head, he made me think that no one likes me so he is the only one who i can hang out with

That's exactly what he did, and that's abuse, as you correctly identify. Couples counselling is useful for issues of communication, division of labour etc, it's ineffective when one partner is abusive and actually raises the risk of further abuse as the victim sees counselling as a 'safe space' and reveals thoughts and feelings that the abuser later uses against them.

Oh honey, please please pray to God and thank him for getting this man out of your life. Seriously - read that back to yourself from an objective point of view! He liked to make racist jokes at your expense? Who the fuck does that? There are so many red flags in this relationship that i don't even know where to start. I wish i could come and give you a big hug.

You feel like this now because of him, he has made you like this - his abuse was insidious and deep. The emotional abuse is almost worse, but ffs, he hit you because you spilt water?

What would you tell a friend on your situation?

You need to get back to you - you do not need to have counselling with him but whoever said that counsellors wont see couples in abusive situations is correct. This is becuse the abuser is often extremely manipulative and will attempt to use the counselling to exert more control over their victim.

Are you in your final year at uni?

Yes I can. A couple cannot be 'counselled' when one is abusing the other. It is a complete imbalance of power. It means you are not dealing with an adult relationship with two adults in a relationship with issues to work through.

It means you are dealing with a victim and a perpetrator. Google the 'drama triangle'.

You do not love him. Mentally healthy, happy and confident people do not love someone who hits them because they spilt water and is racist towards them.

You THINK you love him because you are caught up in the drama triangle and there are possibly issues from your past experiences that have made you feel like you are always to blame, responsible for other people's feelings or you have a sense of familiarity with being abused.

Or - he has led you to believe you are the only one he has ever trusted, the only one he's opened up to etc and you think if you just love him enough, you'll 'fix' him and he'll be who you want him so desperately to be.

It is not true. He abuses you. If you are not there he will very quickly move on to someone else and probably abuse them too.

This is not about anything you have done or anything to do with who you are. You are not to blame.

He does not love you. None of his behaviour suggests you mean anything to him other than a convenient vessel to pour his fucked up shit into.

He does not respect you. He does not acknowledge you have any feelings or needs of your own unless they are related to him.

This will sound awfully harsh but I am saying it as my experience of working with some abusers - he thinks you're a fucking mug. I have known many abusive men who echo the shitty perception of abusive relationships as in ' why didn't she leave?'.

I have had abusive men say to me 'I hit her/cheated on her/abused her/degraded her and she still kept coming back for more, still text me and begged. How could I ever see that as nothing but pathetic?'.

I heard that many times. Walk away now and get some therapy to explore why your view of yourself and the world around is so distorted that you've been thinking about killing yourself because you are desperate for an abuser to want you.

Hi Samantha
Just a reminder to seek some RL help too.
Very kindest to you

he is the love of your life. He is your one true love. You could never find anyone else like him. He's the only one for you. You need him.

I don't think I know anyone who hasn't thought exactly the same (change him to her for me)
And for every single one of them, they got over it.
No one can say anything that will make you suddenly not care about him the only thing that will help is you focussing on you and the greatest healer ever, time.
My advice is to forget about him and focus on you, the relationship hasn't done anything for you so cut your losses and start the long process of moving on.

Justonemore2p, you are right but when you were in that zone, and like you say, we have all been there - you probably felt like your world had ended. I know i did and i look back and think what WAS i thinking? Christ i wouldn't touch that with a barge pole now. But at the time..... add in that EA that has eroded the OP's self esteem, problems at uni and (i think) being away from her home country and maybe family, there is a pretty overwhelming set of issues. So whilst all us old ducks who have the T-shirt, can say with confidence that the OP will get over this, we shouldn't (im guilty of it too) minimalise how shitty it feels at the time. Those feelings need to be worked through, just the same as someone divorcing after 20 years of marriage.

OP, please go to your GP and ask to be reffered for counselling, you can try the university counselling service but i wonder if you need something a little bit more specialised to help with your self esteem issues. I am finding CBT very useful at the moment.

Do come back and let us know how you are getting on x

Hi ladies,

Thank you guys so so so much for your replies!!! I can't believe I got so many helpful suggestions from strangers Ive never met in my entire life. You guys are all angels from the heaven! :D

I reflected on the whole situation and had some serious talking with my friends. The reality really hit home when your friends looked you in the eyes and said 'honey, it was already over the moment he hit you and the moment you chose to cheat'. It was really really harsh and my world was literally spinning at that moment. I think I really needed that a long time ago.

My ex and I believe that we will not get back together before we both change for a better person. We both have serious issues and need to be single and resolve on our own. We both love each other very much and are willing make the effort to change. If after some long we both improve on things, and we still love each other and want to be with each other but no one else, we will consider getting back together.
This is a hard lesson for both of us to learn and we hope this heartbroken loss could help us deal with our inner demons. Before we are able to change, it's best not to get back together.

I hope this will work out and whoever sees this thread and has the same problem with their partner could learn from us.

Thank you guys again!

Samantha xxx

@LEM, yes I'm in my final year :) Pressure is on and I really need to focus on uni xxx

Well done Sam take care.

Thank you for updating Sam . Glad to hear you are feeling more positive - best of luck for your final year at uni.

Well done

Thank goodness!!!!
Good luck at Uni. Focus on you!!!!

What does that mean, Clara?

Glad you are feeling a bit more positive. You sound like an an amazing person, compassionate, caring, clever. You are studying in a foreign country, in a foreign language, you are away from your family. You have so much to offer. Try to see it, try to spend time with kind positive people, find some new interests, I am sure there will be low cost/free groups at Uni. You will get over this an will emerge stronger and wiser.

It's only been just over a year. You've been so unhappy you've cheated THREE times. You really need some help and support to realise you are worth more than this. I'm guessing you are very young?

Suicide is never the answer. This EA guy has done a number on you. You KNOW he is abusive, you've SEEN that he won't change and you are still desperate for him.

Please seek some counselling and
Support to get your life back on track. Being so down over this is not normal but can be sorted out. Going back to him won't sort it out. Getting some help to get your suicidal thoughts in check will do.

Sorry just caught the update. It's the right thing to do. Be single, get some help for the bad thoughts and see what happens. You can turn this around. I believe in you. Go get the irl support you need and you can absolutely do this.