How to get my bf back after cheating on him

[samantha303]

I have been having a lot of issues with my boyfriend of a year and 3 months. He's been emotionally abusive for a year and He's promised to change. But he has never really made the effort to change other things in our relationship such as he's never willing to improve our sex life. I cheated on him three times with the same guy.
I didn't even like the guy. I have always felt insecure about myself and felt sad about my bf not making effort to change. This is no excuse for cheating and I can never forgive myself.
Later on the guy who i cheated with started to develop feelings for me and wanted a relationship. I started to like this guy and the way he said how I should leave my boyfriend cause he is abusive he will never change etc make me question my life and my relationship with my bf. But I never wanted to leave my bf. I love my boyfriend and I can see a future with him. I had sex with this guy three times until my bf found out from our text messages. This affair lasted for 3 weeks.

I feel really really really really sad I just want to kill myself and die. I love my bf to death. Although things weren't working out well in our relatonship but I always had faith. Now I made a terrible terrible mistake and I want to know what I should do to get him back. Please help me!

We were already planning to move in together and a trip in summer. I am such a bitch.

Samantha - how old are you? Are you even in Uni? (I ask as my first-year student is still off for another 10 days!) You sound very very young.

I know when you are young it seems the end of the world if your relationship ends. BUT - he was not right for you, for all his promises to 'change'. You are only ONE year in, which sounds a lot at your age, but honestly, get to my age and it's a blink of the eye.

YOU slept with someone else, so YOU were not committed to this relationship. YOU did not respect him enough to be faithful. I assume you knew his views on faithfulness? You disregarded him for 3 weeks, 3 times, with another man. Work on WHY you did that; and maybe you can come to terms with it.

No-one here can tell you 'how to get him back' - it's up to him. You can work on rebuilding the trust, but there is no easy way, no shortcuts. And ultimately, it's HIS decision.

The guilt you are feeling, for having caused hurt to your bf, is understandable and means you are not a bitch. You can feel empathy. This is a blip in the road to true love - one in which you will never cheat, in a million years.

Pain and guilt. Heart-rending. But not love.

Move on.

(How about the guy you were sleeping with? You said you were coming to 'like' him? Where is he now? )

I am 22. I am not native English speaker so my English might sound 'immature' and I'm not even capable of typing properly right now. I feel so guilty, literally the worst thing i can do to anyone.
I know nobody can help me get him back but I want to know how to regain trusts and show that I've learnt from my mistakes :(

How to regain trust? Well, it's easier said than done.

Taking FULL responsibility for what YOU have done.

Accepting that it is in fact HIS decision whether to bother with you, or to move on.

Actually being sorry. (not just crying and wailing and saying it)
Delving into your soul's deepest recesses to find out WHY you did it - and rectifying whatever is missing in yourself, that you would do this to the person you 'love'.

Identifying what is missing from your relationship (ie sex) so that you can work on that.

BTW - google 'Stockholm syndrome'. You were in an abusive relationship. Maybe it was your only way out?

Yes you feel guilty. Of course you do. BUT thinking only about the relationship - are you guilty that you cheated, or guilty that you hurt him?

You have to start liking yourself. you sound like you have serious self esteem issues and are willing to settle for very little.

Do you have a job? friends?

Also, you ARE very young still (not a child) but you have so much ahead of you. Is it worth chucking all of that away for someone who has treated you badly for the time you ahe been together? I fear you are more afraid of being alone than being without your BF. I remember being in a very similar situation at a similar age, althoguh i had a child as well. Was with someone who was so not right for me, but i begged and pleaded for him to come back to me - I thank God every single day that he didn't. I don't think i would have been strong enough to walk away as i thought that was the best i could do. Not long after that I met my current DP, who loves and respects me, we have been together for 22 years, its not always been easy but we are still in love. It can, and it will get better for you OP.

BUT GUYS, we had so many great memories together. The time i spent with him was the best time of my life even though there were many rough patches. I never had any guy truly treated me like his bestest friends. He never opened up to anyone else in his life apart from him. I am the only one who knows everything about him. Even his best guy friends admit that he doesnt open up to them. I don't think I will ever have someone who loves me so much and trusts me entirely and I betrayed that trust. I know he was abusive at times but PEOPLE DO CHANGE.
I really can't believe what I have done. I was so stupid and horrible. I don;t want to think about if I'd have anyone better down the road. He IS good enough :'(

Ok. If you want to win his trust back, back off. Don't call him, don't beg him, just give him space. Go to the doctor and tell them you feel suicidal, ask for a referral for counselling and possibly anti depressants if this is a longer term feeling.
Go and talk to friends, get out, keep busy.
If he wants you back he will let you know.
And in the meantime you can start working on you. Do some reading about emotionally abusive relationships, make a list of all the nice and nasty things he did. Reflect and think.
Abusers rarely change, he's probably not the love of your life. Those things are both true. But nothing any of us say will make you accept that immediately, you need to work it out yourself. So work on that. And work on why you cheated, because you need to understand yourself.

I agree with Ehric. The responsible, healthy, adult response is A) respect his wishes to not want to be in this (unhealthy) relationship. B) go to the doctor to discuss your mental health. C) continue with your counselling.

Thank you guys! I want to give him space to think and reflect on myself too. But I'm scared that if I don't contact him he'll never come back

And if he never comes back that's his choice. He might be abusive but you cheated on him and he still gets the right to never want to see you again. You cannot force him into wanting you back, you need to give him space.

He either wants to see you or he doesn't. Contacting won't change his mind either way.

Have you made an appointment with the doctor yet?

Vivacia I have made contact with university counsellor. My life is so fucked up right now. Graduating with no job. Not happy with university grades and everything that is going on with uni. Did shitty things and dumped by bf.

'You have so many great memories'? You were with him for A YEAR! Honestly, samantha, that is NO TIME AT ALL!

Ok you had good times, I don't doubt it. BUT there are more great times ahead, with someone, or without. God I wish I was 22 again!

It's a very fraught age; if you are not happy with your grades, or uni, you are probably casting about for something, anything, to make you feel good. maybe the Sex-buddy made you feel good? In a way that bf doesn't? think about it. There is so much out there. So much that will make you feel good. Not necessarily BF.

And LEM is right -it's HIS decision. If he walks away, let him. You cannot force him to stay.

And graduating without a job - it's what a lot of uni grads do. Don't worry about that. It'll come.

I think that the way you've been today makes a doctor's appointment necessary.

Samantha - please don't think that I'm patronising you for saying this, but you are very, very young and you feel this way because one of the first committed relationships you've had has fallen apart.

Whenever we do things for the first time, it's scary. The first time we drive a car. The first time we leave home. I'm sure many of us remember the first bad breakup we had, and how utterly devastating it felt. But please trust us when we tell you that you will look back on this in ten years time with a lot more resilience and smile just a little to remember how upset you were. You might even come onto Mumsnet and see another young girl in the same pain, and want to reach out to her and tell her that life goes on, and that everything WILL be OK and that it really, really isn't worth even considering for one second ending things over such a minor blip in the grand scheme of things.

Here's the thing: whether he comes back, or whether he doesn't - you will handle it. You will get through it, you will move on, the pain will gradually fade (though it feels overwhelming right now, it will) and all kinds of new and wonderful things will open up to you as you move on.

Counsellor can't talk to me 24/7 and I feel so depressed. I will never be able to move on. The good days and the guilt will pain me for a very very long time. Now I couldn't stop messaging him saying how much pain I am in from doing this and how I would change. We always had fights and a lot of problems but we never managed to not see each other for more than a day.
I know even though he got back with me, things may never be the same again.
I feel particularly hurt that as he said how much he loves me but is not willing to forgive my weaknesses and mistakes.

I am sorry ladies I might be repeating myself. I feel so horrible.

Samantha - without meaning to sound rude or patronising, there's no way that you can say that you will never be able to move on. People deal with all sorts of horrendous, hideous emotional pain in their lives. I'm willing to bet that a lot of us replying to you here have been in a similar position to you- and we did move on, and I'm further willing to bet that most would say they're very glad they did. It is so difficult to see when you're at the very beginning and its all so raw. But the same advice- work on yourself first etc- is going to come up time and time again for very good reasons.

The Samaritans offer support by text too on 07725909090 and answer 24/7, which might be helpful for you if texting is a good way for you to communicate

Your weakness and mistakes?? what about the times when HIS weakness made him emotionally abusive to you - and fuck me, he's STILL doing it. Don't listen to him, he is still hurting you and he knows it, now he wants to punish you. Fuck that, really op FUCK THAT!

you are worth so much more than this, you just don't believe it.

No, a counsellor cannot talk to you 24/7 but they can give you strategies to take away with you. I am having counselling just now for low self esteem and It seeps into every aspect of my life. I am, for the first time in many years, hopeful of a future. But its not the counsellor, its me - the counsellor is just guiding me. Funnily enough i can hear his voice (very strong irish accent) in the back of my mind when my anxieties are surfacing so whilst he isn't there 24/7 (thank God, i dont like him that much but hes not there for me to like, hes there to help me get better) I have the strategies that help me cope.

Its hard for many many university graduates, the competition is feirce so don't put yourself down. Ask yourself what you can do to improve your job prospects? A post graduate degree? Some voluntary work?

Where are you from OP? Do you want to stay in the UK? are your family here?

My DD is your age and It would kill me to think she was settling for being treated badly just to be with someone.

You have to give it time. You can allow yourself to feel horrible, in fact you have to, but you must allow yourself to look past this time, there will be happiness, it will start small but it will be there.

Keep talking to us, yeah, you'll repeat yourself, because your feelings will cycle, but you are going to be OK.

Ladies, BUT HE HAS MADE CHANGES although old habbit dies hard sometimes. I do believe he can change and I will change my selfishness too.

I WILL NEVER EVER cheat ever again! It's so painful to both parties and the thought of me hurting him real badly is really eating inside me. I want to use ACTIONS to gain his trust back rather than just words. I loved him and believed him he would stop being abusive. He did make changes although I was still unhappy but I always believe that he will change. I see this as love. I don't give up on love this easily. I know a lot of people got trapped in abusive relationship. A lot of people stop being abusive too, jsut like cheaters will not necessarily be cheaters again.

I really really want to work things out with him and I hope I can do this in the right way. I won't call it quit before I even try. :(

Ok, listen to the wise heads on here. We have all had our hearts broken, some of us have been through EA and some of us have even broken a few hearts ourselves. But the great thing about the human heart is that it heals, it might not feel like it now but it will. This guy is doing you a favour by not forgiving you.(can I just interject-phhhhh at this point) walk away, delete his number, his email, everything, it is now all about you, not him, he is not part of your life anymore. And if he comes back to you, offering a second chance (and he will, because he won't be able to resist having this over you) say, no thanks and fucking well run.
ring the Samaritans back, they will speak to you (can't believe they wouldn't if you are at risk) see your doctor,find a friend in RL to talk to.
You will recover from this.

Samantha - the counsellor can't talk to you 24/7 because it wouldn't do you any good to talk all the time. There is a reason that sessions are 45 minutes long and only occasional - because there is only so much your brain can process, and right at the start things just take time. Right now, you are grieving for a loss - the loss of your relationship - and there is nothing that can be done except to walk through that pain, one step at a time. Be gentle to yourself, and do things to distract yourself rather than reflecting on it all the time. Watch some crap telly that makes you smile (I recommend Buffy for putting the heart back in you, but then I am considerably older than you and can overlook crap CGI!). Go out for a walk. (Yes, I know, of course you don't feel like it, but you must do it anyway). Stay hydrated, and try to eat something every couple of hours if you can't manage a big meal. Call on your friends who are around you in real life for support - arrange to meet them for a cup of tea in a cafe if you can. Get your parents, siblings, older friends who aren't at the same uni to give you some support. Make sure your tutors are aware that you are struggling and give you some time out from your courses as you go through this. It WILL get better. We are all rooting for you.

OP, can you tell us what you mean by him being abusive?