Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

How to get my bf back after cheating on him

98 replies

samantha303 · 09/04/2015 07:36

I have been having a lot of issues with my boyfriend of a year and 3 months. He's been emotionally abusive for a year and He's promised to change. But he has never really made the effort to change other things in our relationship such as he's never willing to improve our sex life. I cheated on him three times with the same guy.
I didn't even like the guy. I have always felt insecure about myself and felt sad about my bf not making effort to change. This is no excuse for cheating and I can never forgive myself.
Later on the guy who i cheated with started to develop feelings for me and wanted a relationship. I started to like this guy and the way he said how I should leave my boyfriend cause he is abusive he will never change etc make me question my life and my relationship with my bf. But I never wanted to leave my bf. I love my boyfriend and I can see a future with him. I had sex with this guy three times until my bf found out from our text messages. This affair lasted for 3 weeks.

I feel really really really really sad I just want to kill myself and die. I love my bf to death. Although things weren't working out well in our relatonship but I always had faith. Now I made a terrible terrible mistake and I want to know what I should do to get him back. Please help me!

OP posts:
Original poster
samantha303 · 09/04/2015 08:27

i want to be in a mental hospital so someone can help me

OP posts:
meditrina · 09/04/2015 08:27

Ring back to The Samaritans.

They will listen. They always do.

ouryve · 09/04/2015 08:27

He started abusing you when your relationship was still young and you should have both been pretty loved up. Abusers get worse, the more established a relationship is. Most abusers are capable of behaving themselves, temporarily, when they know they are likely to lose their play thing.

And the Samaritans can't help you get your boyfriend back, if that's what you were hoping for. That's not what they do. They can help you to work through your despair, though.

SoupDragon · 09/04/2015 08:28

The Samaritans told you they couldn't help someone who was feeling suicidal??

Original poster
samantha303 · 09/04/2015 08:29

I feel suicial and cried for 9 hours nonstop. i told the girl in Samaritans i want to suicide but she said she cant help

OP posts:
OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 09/04/2015 08:32

The Samaritans can help you, if you accept the kind of help they are there for- they can't give out advice or tell you what to do, but they are there to listen and support you work through your own feelings and thoughts. I'm very sorry you had a bad experience- they are all individual volunteers, if you feel able to ring back again it will likely be a different volunteer.

Pain at realising the loss of something, even if it's the loss of something that wasn't real in the first place (the relationship you wish you had, rather then what it is in real life) is perfectly natural, and horrible to deal with. Really horrible. If you are having strong, active suicidal thoughts- as in planning how you will end your life- the emergency services are there for you if you don't feel safe from yourself.

loveareadingthanks · 09/04/2015 08:33

Go to your GP today and tell them that you are feeling suicidal. If you need medical help this is the first step. The Samaritans listen and comfort - they don't arrange mental health services.

PeppermintCrayon · 09/04/2015 08:57

I have always felt insecure about myself and felt sad about my bf not making effort to change.

This is the real problem. Agree with PPs that you need to go to your GP.

flippinada · 09/04/2015 09:12

You poor thing. Please call your GP today and ask for an emergency appointment, and explain how you are feeling.

If you need support right now, please can the Samaritans again. They can't solve your problems for you but they will listen.

No man is worth killing yourself over. They really aren't.

MNHQ
DawnMumsnet · 09/04/2015 10:10

Hi samantha303,

Sorry you're feeling so low at the moment.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Sorry for hijacking your thread samantha303, and we really hope things start to look up for you soon. Flowers

pocketsaviour · 09/04/2015 10:22

Samantha you said you went back to your room - are you at Uni? If so, your uni should provide a counsellor who you can talk to and who can help you arrange further treatment and access more services. You poor girl, I do hope you feel a little better this morning Flowers

Original poster
samantha303 · 09/04/2015 10:30

He wont give me another chance. he thinks cheating is way worse than abuse. Im so sad. Thank you all ladies so much for replies. :(

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 09/04/2015 10:41

Samantha, of course he thinks cheating is worse than abuse, people who abuse rarely accept they are abusive. Does he accept his guilt in this? Does he accept that he was abusive and that this is part of the reason for the cheating?

I am sorry you feel so low, but the first thing you need to do is forgive yourself. We all make mistakes, and react to feeling hurt in different ways, sometimes in ways that are actually detrimental to ourselves. But the key to understanding this is that, he was abusive and your reaction to this has simply hurt you further. You are not at fault here and it underscores the fact that this relationship is not right and will constantly lead you to: blame yourself for his behaviour, take responsibility for every wrong, feel constantly unloved, feel insecure and pushed to always act in desperation.

Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to? If samaritans are not helpful can you make an emergency appointment to see your gp?

Barefootgirl · 09/04/2015 10:43

Oh honey, of course he's telling you that cheating is worse than abue. Thats because cheating is what you've done, while abuse is what he's done. he's using this as just another stick with which to beat you.

At the moment it msut feel like the most awful thing in the world to have lsot this boy, but I promise you, absolutely, categorically promise you, that it isn't. Please, phone the Samaritans again, and tell them what you told us. They are there to listen to you, they won't solve problems for you (maybe this isn why the girl yesterday told you she couldnt help), but they are real people, they will listen to to you and support you.

TheIronGnome · 09/04/2015 10:50

It doesn't feel like it but you ARE better off without him. Take time to be independent and learn more about yourself again. Most people who emotionally abuse will continue to do so as it is so ingrained in them they 'cant' stop. It can often come from being abused themselves when younger but until they realise, accept and get help they won't change at all.

Original poster
samantha303 · 09/04/2015 11:01

MiniTheMinx I cant talk to my friends cos nobody knows what to say. Me and my (ex) bf are going to a counselling session next week. He said he would go with me but can never take me back. Does it mean I still have a chance?
I have already talked to university counsellor so dont worry everyone. I should be ok for now

OP posts:
Original poster
samantha303 · 09/04/2015 11:10

BUT HE IS MAKING PROGRESS TO CHANGE. His mum also admits that it's going to take a long time for him to change. I can wait. I feel so bad for hurting him and I have literally done the worst thing in the entire world. Both guilt and pain are eating inside me.

OP posts:
Bloomingflower1 · 09/04/2015 11:14

Ring The Samaritans again. They are there for people having suicidal thoughts. Do not wait to do so. Apart from an abusive bf you clearly have other problems. Is there a friend you can speak to? Talk, then talk again. Keep on talking. There are people who will want to help you. What about telling your bf about your feelings?

ptumbi · 09/04/2015 11:15

Samantha - you've been with this guy for a year and 3 months. For a year of that he was/is abusive - even you have seen that. He is shit in bed, so you slept with someone else.

And you think you love your bf? Really - there is a better way to live. Ditch the loser(s), live by yourself for a while. Learn to love yourself. You don't love your bf; you need him, want him, feel validated by him. If you go to counselling (not recommended in abuse situations, BTW - it gives him further ammo to use against you) and he 'takes you back' you really think there is a 'future'?

Abusers don't change. He will just continue to abuse you. Because you let him.

Really - it's better to be alone than to be with someone who abuses you; someone who is not compatible sexually, someone who doesn't actually like you very much.

popalot · 09/04/2015 11:20

You have your whole life ahead of you. No relationship should make you feel this low. Ring the doctor, speak to your mum or someone in real life. Do it now. Be brave, give your mind a chance to heal. Concentrate on yourself, not him. Love yourself, not him. Heal yourself, not him. Do that first. Once you are better, then think about him again. But not until you have healed yourself. Ring the doctor or your mum now.

MiniTheMinx · 09/04/2015 11:26

Your friends probably don't know what to say, but if they are prepared to just listen that will still help you. No one can tell you what you need to do to get back with him, only he has the answer to that. I think the fact that he is happy to attend counselling suggests that he does still have feelings for you, or at least is prepared to accept his part in this. But don't pin your hopes on it, please.

I also think the fact that his mum knows and is being supportive of you both is a good sign too.

In the meanwhile though, try to eat, sleep, take some exercise, get some fresh air, and make appointment to see GP and see if you can be given some individual counselling. Resolve to do one positive thing today that doesn't involve him.

Remember this is the hardest part, it probably doesn't get worse than feeling like this. This means that if you take care of yourself, try to forgive yourself and be kind, that there is light at the end of it.

Original poster
samantha303 · 09/04/2015 11:27

I am reading you guys' replies and I cried so hard again. HE IS the love of my life and I dont want to think he won't change ever again. And I do believe we will work things out and our love will work things out. I really really really don;t want to lose him. I don't believe abusers don't change, why wouldn't he believe cheaters won't cheat cos they learn their lessons

OP posts:
DragonWithAGirlTattoo · 09/04/2015 11:32

"HE IS the love of my life and I dont want to think he won't change ever again. "

No, he is not the love of your life, he is the love of this month,year whatever.

You cheated because he wasnt there for you, and he wont be there for you in the future either.

this is really raw for you right now - give yourself some time to grieve, and then move on xxx

MiniTheMinx · 09/04/2015 11:48

He might be the love of your life, who is anyone to say otherwise. However I know from having been young and feeling like you do, that he was the love of my life right then, but not now. He is still in my life on the periphery but as it turned out he wasn't my only chance at being loved. It feels like it is the one and only chance of real love, rest assured it probably isn't. Doesn't stop it hurting though.

And yes cheaters change and learn from their mistakes especially when the outcome of their behaviour has hurt themselves. Same could be said for someone using abuse on others, they can change, but only when it is apparent to them that their behaviour is adversely effecting themselves. Being abusive can be a choice that someone makes, as is being kind and respectful. But people from dysfunctional backgrounds, who have huge emotional problems and personality disordered relationships don't think the same as rational people. That doesn't mean that we should suck up their abuse, but we can walk away and they can be forgiven, but sometimes they can't be helped. You can't rescue someone from the disordered logic or make them behave.

Original poster
samantha303 · 09/04/2015 13:42

I get what all you guys mean but I don't want to lose someone who I will potentially love forever, who I can potentially work things out with and build a new foundation for our relationship. I just want to prove that to him.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread