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Original poster

Found out colleagues been having an affair - his baby is 2 months old

83 replies

Deeplyshocked · 08/04/2015 22:11

Sorry to keep this abrupt - am shocked.

Two 'nice' (or so I thought) colleagues having an affair. Since last September. His baby is now 2 months old. So through the pregnancy.

A group of us socialise together which is how I found out. One of them is a friend of mine.

Am horrified . Sad

OP posts:
heyday · 08/04/2015 22:19

These things happen I'm afraid. Relationships are complicated. Please try not to judge them too harshly, it's their lives, their mess. Try to just act normally and stay out of it unless either of them confides in you personally.
I'm sure they are both still 'nice' people, they have just got caught up in a complex situation. Humans are often quite weak willed and we screw up at times. They have more than enough on their plate right now and people are gonna get hurt.

winkywinkola · 08/04/2015 22:22

Yes. Judge them harshly but stay out of it.

People behave incredibly badly sometimes and are deceitful and sleazy liars. But I would stay out of it however disappointed in them you are.

Just reevaluate how much time you want to spend with them in future.

airedailleurs · 08/04/2015 22:23

OP their relationship is none of your business. Heyday is quite right. Who are you to judge? You don't have sufficient knowledge of any of the background so Mind Your Own Beeswax!

Charley50 · 08/04/2015 22:25

Are you all teachers? My DS's school is a hotbed of affairs and intrigue.

Alexandpea · 08/04/2015 22:28

I would judge harshly - poor wee baby with such a sh*t parent - but stay out of it, unless it impacts on your job.

Frocklet · 08/04/2015 22:30

Must have been one of these short pregnancies.

heyday · 08/04/2015 22:31

Obviously people will judge them. It's ok to judge them in your own mind but I don't think it's your place to judge them to their face or get caught up in nasty work gossip.

Original poster
Deeplyshocked · 08/04/2015 22:34

I am friends with the female colleague. Was just so gobsmacked when she told me. I just feel so sorry for the poor wife. When they are out they are like a couple and he has a wife and newborn at home. I think telling me to mind my own business is harsh - believe me, I wish I didn't know.

OP posts:
Frocklet · 08/04/2015 22:35

I apologise, thought the baby was the affairs. It's the wife's isn't it. Sorry.

Micah · 08/04/2015 22:39

Also make sure you have your facts straight.

I had an affair with a colleague. He had a new baby too. We'd gone away for a week together for work and started an affair.

Many people in the office started being "off" with me.

Except it was all rumour that people had repeated as fact. It took a good friend taking me to one side, telling me what people were saying, and asking me straight out, for me to even find out about this supposed affair.

Original poster
Deeplyshocked · 08/04/2015 22:40

I have definitely got my facts straight. Got it from the horse's mouth.

OP posts:
Pantone363 · 08/04/2015 22:45

Sorry but I disagree. Judge as harshly as you like (if you are sure it's not just gossip). There is NO excuse for this type of behaviour, if they are not happy they should leave their respective marriages.

I'm not inclined to treat people who act like this with kid gloves. By hey should feel fucking ashamed of themselves.

Pantone363 · 08/04/2015 22:45

By hey *they

airedailleurs · 08/04/2015 22:45

sorry to sound harsh, it's just that while I can understand that you're shocked, life is really not black and white.

Sausagerollers · 08/04/2015 22:48

To all the people who are saying "mind your own business" are you suggesting that if your DP was having an affair and other people knew you wouldn't want anyone to tell you about it?

Relationships are complicated, and rumours can start out of nothing, but in this case the OW has told the OP that she's having an affair; surely the appropriate response is "well my opinion of you has just dropped considerably and either you tell his wife or I will" because who on earth wouldn't want to know their spouse was playing away??

FelicityGubbins · 08/04/2015 22:53

I would have no compunction about telling them both that I thought they were vile skanks, I have actually walked away from friendships in the past for this very reason.

TinyDancer69 · 08/04/2015 22:56

It's always possible to come up with excuses, justifications, complications that lead to infidelity, or for that matter poor and weak behaviour of any kind. But the fact is there is NO justification for humiliating and breaking the heart of the innocent party (his poor wife) not to mention his child. Sometimes you just have to call a spade a spade: what they are doing in plain wrong and deceitful. Simple.

pocketsaviour · 08/04/2015 22:57

who on earth wouldn't want to know their spouse was playing away??

I think there's actually a lot of people who are happy to turn a blind eye, especially in the later stages of pregnancy/newborn.

Given that a third of people admit to being unfaithful, and that's just the ones who admit, so it's probably more like two thirds... Well, draw your own conclusions. A lot of people make their peace with it.

ShadowStone · 08/04/2015 22:57

I'd be feeling pretty judgy too. One of my friends was on the receiving end of a situation like this - PFB was about 6 months old, and her husband announced that he'd been having an affair with a colleague for months, and he was leaving her and the baby for the other woman. She was devastated.

But I agree, stay out of it if possible.

MyRightFoot · 08/04/2015 23:08

i know that shock. when two of my colleagues had an affair i went into shock. she was engaged and planning her wedding, he was besotted with his wife, i kid you not. the two women were very physically alike. i lost respect for two people i thought were decent. they were disgusting.

Yournotfeckingserious · 09/04/2015 07:27

Not really shocking though is it...
It's bound to happen when people work so closely together and are only human so are prone to making mistakes.
Back in my working days when I used to work in offices it was a hotbed of affairs and general naughtiness. You took your own life in your hands when you walked into the supply cupboard because you didn't always just find printing paper & pens believe me Shock
Ah I miss those days...unfortunately my DH only works with one woman who no one would touch with a ten foot barge pole so no juicy gossip from him I'm afraid. Grin

AuntieStella · 09/04/2015 07:55

'Affairs and general naughtiness' sounds like fun.

Betrayal during pregnancy isn't remotely 'fun'.

OP: you now have to look to your own ethics and standards, and whether you would want to build your new family life on the fault line of a major lie. For that is the only guide on whether it will sit right long term with your conscience if you maintain the secrecy that lets them continue to cheat; or tell; or find some middle path.

I agree generally with sausagerollers

And cheats cannot expect third parties to maintain a deception, or think it does not reflect on their judgement, or will not affect whether people see them as trustworthy. As one affair partner actually told you this, they must be completely bound up in the utter unreality of affair bubble.

YawnyMcYawn · 09/04/2015 08:04

I found that it's possible to maintain a working relationship with a cheater but it's not possible to have the same respect for them when you know what they're capable of. That's why I've never understood why a cheater gets to stay in politics when they've been exposed.

JaceyBee · 09/04/2015 08:16

You 'went into shock' myrightfoot? Really? You must have a a very delicate disposition Hmm

JaceyBee · 09/04/2015 08:17

Isn't that a life threatening medical condition?