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Original poster

Found out colleagues been having an affair - his baby is 2 months old

83 replies

Deeplyshocked · 08/04/2015 22:11

Sorry to keep this abrupt - am shocked.

Two 'nice' (or so I thought) colleagues having an affair. Since last September. His baby is now 2 months old. So through the pregnancy.

A group of us socialise together which is how I found out. One of them is a friend of mine.

Am horrified . Sad

OP posts:
springydaffs · 09/04/2015 15:30

All the blasé it's none if your business/don't judge/they're going through a hard time ffs! shit gets me as incensed as an affair.

Judging, or even being judging, is a worse crime than adultery, apparently.

How dare she rope you into this sordid skankiness, assuming you'll take it in your stride - or, worse, cover for them. How dare she.

springydaffs · 09/04/2015 15:31

*or being suspected of judging

passmethewineplease · 09/04/2015 15:36

I couldn't remain friends with either of them.

I hope the poor wife finds out what a cunt her husband is.

All this don't judge is nonsense. It's not hard not to have sex with someone else.

She should not of put you in this position. :( that's another shity thing to do.

shovetheholly · 09/04/2015 15:42

Of course you're shocked, and of course you feel judgy. Knowing that someone can betray their spouse like that does change your view of them, however charitable you are in your disposition. I think it's important to remember that you never know the whole situation from the outside, and that the shock is not a sign that you should take any action or intervene in any way. You can keep your own moral boundaries very straight without needing to verbally harangue others in whose shoes you do not stand.

My best friend had an affair with a married colleague. I judged her severely in my head, and I spent hours and hours trying to talk her out of it, telling her how badly it would end and how decimating it would be to her confidence. She knew I thought it was wrong, but she also knew I was there for her. Her mental state got worse and worse as the inevitable progression of the affair happened: she was begging him to leave his wife, he wouldn't do it, she felt he used her for sex, he denied this in spite of the obvious truth of it. I ended up having to drive 60 miles to go to the abortion clinic with her when she fell pregnant, and staying up with her all night while she was in hysterics afterwards. The entire thing was completely depressing, but she did it because she was weak and she didn't feel like she really 'deserved' a good relationship due to very real issues from an abusive childhood. She needed me more than ever before and what kind of friend would I have been to bail on her? Sometimes you have to bite back the 'You're a horrible person' and 'I told you so' and try to help the person see that they need to end it for their own good.

mammadiggingdeep · 09/04/2015 16:18

'Dont judge too harshly'....fucking hell, are you for real????

Judge away. Any man who will put time, emotion and energy into an affair rather than his 2 month old baby and the mother of his child is a cunt who deserves to be judged.

Personally, I'd feel uncomfortable being friendly with him any more. If he can shit all over his own family like that at a very vulnerable time, he'd surely shit on you or any other friend.

The woman who knowingly sleeps with a man behind his wife's back when she knows she's at home with a 2 month old is a special kind of shitbag too.

Stay well clear. Nasty, nasty people.

NoImSpartacus · 09/04/2015 16:33

Well done for being so perfect, OP! I can't actually blv you're 'shocked' by this, people have affairs all the time, for all sorts of grey reasons. Sometimes good people do 'bad' things.

I can't actually blv you are so green to be 'shocked' by this, and who made you the judge and jury on other people's lives? You might feel you have the right to judge other people, but why do you? People like you, who are SO openly judgemental of others, without knowing the people you judge intimately, are actually the most reprehensible people, and the very people I judge the most harshly!

passmethewineplease · 09/04/2015 16:40

In the defence of the OP if two people I worked closely with had an affair I'd be pretty shocked too.

Twirlwirlywoo · 09/04/2015 16:42

Sadly loads of people are having affairs.

Its so much more common than you may think.

I very naively thought affairs were a very rare thing but in the past few years several friends have confided in me they are having or have had affairs. Not just a few. I don't know why they do it but its so prevailant amongst people of a similar age to me I feel like I am the only one not seeing someone else.

I don't know if its a midlife crisis thing or what. I just don't know what to think to be honest. Some of the people cheating/having had cheated in the past utterly shocked me. They were who I considered really decent people.

All I know is that in the past 3 to 5 years I have really had my eyes opened to exactly how many people are doing this.

NoImSpartacus · 09/04/2015 16:43

I'm 'shocked' when a terrorist blows innocent people up, or when someone is murdered, or raped. Not when two infallible homo sapiens fuck up.

mynewpassion · 09/04/2015 16:45

Its fine to be shocked and to be judgy, especially as the wife was going through pregnancy and birth.

I would tell friend that what she or he is doing is despicable and will not support them. You will be their friend but will be distancing yourself from the situation and them for a bit.

PreviouslyMal · 09/04/2015 16:46

Of course it's shocking - it's pretty much the worst betrayal a woman can have, to be cheated on whilst pregnant, it's utterly indefensible.

passmethewineplease · 09/04/2015 16:48

OK then. I'd be shocked that too and the OP.

it does make me rather sad that so many affairs do happen. I once had a friend message me on his honeymoon! Just why? Why get married to cheat pretty much straight away. he was quickly told and blocked to. So I don't buy this oh let's not judge these poor people who obviously couldn't keep it in their pants bollocks.

mynewpassion · 09/04/2015 16:53

Posters who have been cheated on and then come on here for advice inevitably write they are in shock.

No one is saying hey, its just being cheated not a terrorist attack so don't be shocked. Have some sympathy.

poocatcherchampion · 09/04/2015 16:54

I was in the same situation OP although it was the woman/affairee who had the baby. Which was her husbands. The affair had been going throughout the pregnancy and I understand they are a couple now.

Our friendship didn't survive.

Rebecca2014 · 09/04/2015 17:09

Bit shocked at the negative comments by some posters judging op. I am guessing these people are cheaters themselves! lol.

Anyway, op I would not be friends with them anymore. Pretty damn low to have an affair with a man when his pregnant wife/now new born baby at home. He is a pig as well.

NoImSpartacus · 09/04/2015 17:38

I'm not a cheater Rebecca 2014 'LOL'. Just not the judgmental type.

Funny, I've noticed your name here before, you are always v quick to judge.

pocketsaviour · 09/04/2015 17:46

it's pretty much the worst betrayal a woman can have, to be cheated on whilst pregnant

Really Mal? Worse than him punching her in the face, forcing her to get an abortion, or smacking her children?

I know affairs are very painful for some people but let's keep some perspective.

passmethewineplease · 09/04/2015 17:55

Oh come on sparticus. You really don't judge someoe who is cheating on their partner whilst she's pregnant/recently given birth?

Fucking hell what would it take you to judge someone? What he is doing is downright horrible.

pocketsaviour · 09/04/2015 18:10

It's funny how we say to people "Don't judge" or whatever.

When you think about it, we judge things, people, situations constantly. That's part of being human.

When we say "don't be judgey" it really means "don't dare to form a negative opinion of this person/situation".

If you said to someone "I've thought about your situation and I think you're doing the right thing", you've judged them...

Which is my long-winded way of saying, you're free to have an opinion on this situation and if these people have gone down in your estimation, that's your call to make. It's okay to feel your feelings. And if you think telling the wife is the right thing to do, that's your call - as long as you're doing it because you think it's the best thing for HER. Not because you want to punish the adulterers, or to cause drama. (I'm certainly not saying that would be your motivation.)

Equally if you just want to step back from the friendship, that's your right too.

handfulofcottonbuds · 09/04/2015 19:20

A very close friend of mine at work told me she was seeing a MM - this was just as I had discovered my STBXH's OW. I realised that my friend had created such an imaginative world of wonderfulness with her MM, that she couldn't even see how f*cking insensitive that was to me.

BUT - it was okay as her MM was apparently lovely to his DW and they weren't hurting anyone. She took great pride in showing me expensive jewellery he had bought her too.

Is she happy? I have no idea since I rarely speak to her now, she's been seeing this cheater for 2 years - his DW doesn't understand him apparently.

Just like I didn't understand my ex when he started shagging his colleague!

They are both disgusting. I'd tell them too if I were you!

How's that for judgy??

AddToBasket · 09/04/2015 19:31

OP, you can see how extreme some of the reactions are on here - be careful to avoid letting anyone else know that you know. Don't get mixed up in something that prompts these strong judgements/emotions. You don't want your name anywhere near this.

Other than that, I am surprised by how 'shocked' people are by colleagues having an affair - regardless of the baby. Life is long and complex and people are weak and short term. It is happening all around us and not amount of harsh MN judging is going to stamp out adultery! Of course, many of our colleagues are having affairs now or previously or in the future. But this is just the drama of their own individual lives and painful as it is to those concerned, it is never going away. Just best not to be associated with it when/if the bomb explodes and loved ones get hurt.

winkywinkola · 09/04/2015 20:19

I don't think the reactions are extreme really. It's normal to express disgust at such behaviour.

AddToBasket · 09/04/2015 20:27

Not really. Express distaste, yeah.

'Disgust' suggests a bit more, and kind of implies that Everybody Everywhere absolutely must feel the same way.

VikingVolva · 09/04/2015 20:37

I don't think you have to expect everyone to share disgust at the same things.

But nor do I think it's remotely necessary to use euphemisms if you think it's utterly despicable to fuck around on someone who should be able to trust you and rely on you.

If the marriage is unbearable to him, it's kinder really to end it than to dupe someone. And better it was done soon, so she has some choice in vitally important arrangements for her wellbeing and that of the newborn.

winkywinkola · 09/04/2015 20:53

How does disgust mean everyone should feel the same way? Some people are disgusted by some things but not others.

Lying and cheating is pretty disgusting imo. I wouldn't consider that an extreme view. Which is what I was negating in my post.