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Original poster

Found out colleagues been having an affair - his baby is 2 months old

83 replies

Deeplyshocked · 08/04/2015 22:11

Sorry to keep this abrupt - am shocked.

Two 'nice' (or so I thought) colleagues having an affair. Since last September. His baby is now 2 months old. So through the pregnancy.

A group of us socialise together which is how I found out. One of them is a friend of mine.

Am horrified . Sad

OP posts:
AddToBasket · 09/04/2015 20:54

Your use of 'you' in that post kind of implies that there is no one in the situation that anyone would be able to empathise with, other than the wronged woman.

When actually it's not her that the OP knows and perhaps the OP shouldn't swift to damn the colleagues. Suggestions about telling the wife or giving the colleague an ultimatum etc really just further involve the OP. That's a bad idea. As is being unpleasant to the colleagues or passing judgement. This is the OP's job and if two colleagues are busy making a mess of their lives she should stand well back, not rush in to pass judgement.

passmethewineplease · 09/04/2015 21:20

said colleague should of kept it to herself then OP wouldn't be in this position in the first place.

Viviennemary · 09/04/2015 21:27

I would have been like you at one time. Shocked at people's duplicity. However, this is all too common. Wife probably hasn't got an inkling. But no point in interfering.

MajesticWhine · 09/04/2015 21:37

I think you are quite within your rights to say something. The reason I say this was that I cheated once (no babies were involved) and a friend gave it to me straight how wrong it was of me and how unfair on my partner. I was in a bubble of denial at the time, and though no harm could come of it, but she was right. And I am grateful to her for telling me that and helping to burst the bubble. I don't think expressing disgust is necessarily helpful. But this is a friend, so you can be honest. Saying you are shocked and you think it is wrong and explaining why (even though it might seem blazingly obvious) might actually be helpful.

MajesticWhine · 09/04/2015 21:38

thought no harm could come of it

handfulofcottonbuds · 09/04/2015 21:44

Yes Majestic - a bubble of denial - that is how my 'friend' is acting!

phoenixrose314 · 09/04/2015 21:52

I don't understand what on earth you lot are going on about. I'd be horrified, too. Especially knowing from personal experience how overwhelming being a new mum is and how vulnerable you feel - her DH is taking complete advantage of that and I feel very sorry for her.

I don't necessarily think it's your right to tell her - but you do have every right to re-evaluate how you personally feel about these people. I walked away from a friendship of twelve years for a similar thing - I don't feel comfortable being friends with somebody who genuinely thinks it's okay to mess around with someone else's husband. Not cool.

At the end of the day it's not about what they're doing - it's about the fact their actions have revealed them to be liars, selfish people who are morally weak.

Sausagerollers · 09/04/2015 21:58

I still think the cheated on partner has a right to know.

It's all very well saying "don't get involved" but you're basically standing back and letting another human be shat on.

The W is having their sexual health put at risk, and possibly that of an unborn child.

If it turns out the OW is HIV, she passes it on to the H, who passes it onto their W, who in turn passes it to a future child she gets pregnant with and that could have all been prevented by someone "getting involved" and telling the W that their H is dipping his wick elsewhere, how can that be bad?

If it turns out the W is quite happy for her H to screw around then no harm done either. I'm struggling to see an up-side for not telling the W in this scenario.

handfulofcottonbuds · 09/04/2015 22:02

Affairs hurt - end of!

If you find them amusing then you have no idea how damage they do and I hope you never have to find out

AddToBasket · 09/04/2015 22:12

'I'm struggling to see an up-side for not telling the W in this scenario.'

Eh?! The OP doesn't work with the wife - she works with the two people having the affair. The OP would be an absolute fool to push herself into her colleagues' private business and not to expect it to have repercussions for her own job.

MyRightFoot · 10/04/2015 00:53

i am not shocked by adultery generally. but i was shocked with my workmates scenario as they didnt fit the stereotype. the man was a good egg who didnt flirt despites plenty of females in the office flirting with him. he confided in me about his wife, he appeared truly besotted with her. the ow was excited about her wedding, bringing dress mags into the office. that was the shock - they were not jaded people but seemed totally into their partners. it opened my eyes completely.

WildBillfemale · 10/04/2015 06:43

OP - Butt out, it's nothing to do with you

Wonkyparsnip · 10/04/2015 06:53

Leave it. You have no idea what's going on in their lives. I was uber judgy of one of my friends too. Until years later I heard from someone totally unrelated the back story. She had never told me- always took the blame because she didn't want her husband blamed (even though he should have been!) so she kept quiet. I'll never forgive myself for being so judgemental about something I knew nothing about.

BathtimeFunkster · 10/04/2015 07:14

If they are publicly acting as a couple on work nights out, then you have options if you want to make life difficult for them, the vile scumbags.

hereandtherex · 10/04/2015 07:23

Yes its wrong. Yes its stupid.

But dont get involved.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Consenting adults and all that.

hereandtherex · 10/04/2015 07:24

Could be a last fling by the woman.

Wedding make people nuts.

hereandtherex · 10/04/2015 07:25

Or the wedding could be a last attempt to patch a relationship.

Still, dont get involved. You can ask them to keep it out of work.

BathtimeFunkster · 10/04/2015 07:28

Well there is one adult (not to mention a small baby) who is apparently not consenting to this risk to her (and her baby's) health.

What is your workplace policy on this kind of carry on?

Rebecca2014 · 10/04/2015 08:18

NoImSpartacus-You are judging the op for being shocked that her colleagues are having an affair.

She has every right to feel shocked and I do not like how people are judging the op for having these feelings, it is not like she posted saying "I am tempted to tell my colleague wife, her husband having a affair!"

winkywinkola · 10/04/2015 09:12

Hear hear Rebecca.

wannaBe · 10/04/2015 09:27

to whoever it was that said a 3rd of people admit to cheating, actually the figure is around 60%, so given that many won't admit to it reality is that the majority of people will cheat on a partner at some point, although obviously there are variables e.g. a kiss up to a full-blown long-term affair...

Judgement is IMO subjective, because while most people will consider that having an affair is wrong, and most wouldn't want to embrace the affairing couple and give them their blessing, many people do also recognise that life is rarely black and white, and that the view of "he obviously couldn't keep it in his pants," is a bit too much of a simplistic argument.

IMO what makes it worse in this instance is the fact that the dw has just had a baby. presumably there will have been talk in the office about the pregnancy, the man awaiting the birth of his child, he will have gone off on paternity leave when it was born etc? so another woman against the backdrop of the creation of a new family isn't one which sits well within most people's thinking.

But nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors, and not all babies are conceived into happy relationships.

And i somehow doubt that anyone would judge him less harshly for leaving while his wife was pregnant even if it wasn't to be with an ow, although being with an ow is of course not justified.

I certainly don't think the op has a duty to inform the wife who she doesn't even know. Different if the wife was the friend, but she doesn't have an obligation to her, the people in the wrong here are the husband and the ow.

sakura · 10/04/2015 09:40

"not the judgmental type?" Hmm

Thank fuck some people aren't afraid to have a negative opinion on a man cheating on his wife who is sat at home with a 2 month old.

fence-sitters legitimize the wrong-doing under the guise of not being judgemental

springydaffs · 10/04/2015 09:40

Genius, Rebecca! Yes, judged for being judgemental, that's it.

passmethewineplease · 10/04/2015 09:48

See we all judge really, even if we claim we don't.

For me some things are black and white. This particular situation being one of them. All the usual excuses like maybe he's unhappy...well there's a way to get round that and it doesn't involve shagging your colleagues.

wannaBe · 10/04/2015 10:03

I agree, but, if he was unhappy, would people say we shouldn't judge if he chose to leave the relationship now without there having been an ow involved?

I would judge them for having the affair yes. And actually I would judge the ow as harshly as him in this instance because anyone who can sleep with a man whose wife is carrying his child has some serious moral questions to answer imo.

But if leaving was that simple we wouldn't be living in a society where the vast majority of people have affairs before leaving their relationships. And people do judge regardless of why you leave. Even if it's just because you're unhappy.

So perhaps there does need to be more sympathy for those who are actually in unhappy relationships and more encouragement for them to leave rather than judgements if they do, and perhaps then we would have less situations where people end up having an affair instead of just leaving in the first place.

If you're going to be judged, might as well be for a reason right?