'D'sis just had a massive go at me. Don't know where to go from here.

[BusyHomemaker]

Hi wise MNers. I've started a few threads recently about how I've been at a crossroads in my life for a while now. I have taken a few years out of formal employment, bringing up DD (3.5) and separated from exH 2.5 yrs ago. I've received a lot of emotional and financial help from my parents, which I am grateful for. I live in my hometown, which has been incredibly settling but I never meant to settle here. My exH had the same view and so we lived in another city until he lost his job and we moved back home before the separation (he was EA). He has since moved on and comes back once a fortnight to see DD.

I am desperate to start afresh. I have been considering all of my options and have been attending counselling once a week since December to work through the various changes I wanted to work on. I have issues with my parents as we are incredibly close but they can be controlling. This is not due to lack of love but it can be damaging all the same. My family were mainly based in Scotland, where I was born, and us in the East Midlands whilst we were growing up. They are now all over the place... as far as the US and Middle East! My brother is leaving for Australia in the summer and intends to stay away from the UK for at least 3 years.

I am desperate to move on from my home town and establish a life for myself and my DD on my own two feet. I was happiest when I lived in London for two years and I think it was because I felt independent and free to be myself, no apologies, no justifications. I absolutely can't afford to live in London so am not even looking there for work.

I have applied for nurse training and have been invited for interview but the more I weigh up the pros and cons the more I think it would not suit my current situation as a single parent. I wonder if I applied purely out of desperation.

I have been looking at the job market and there are a few jobs I think I have a decent shot of in Manchester, Leeds and Cornwall. I have carried out research for each area... where I could live, how I would travel to work until I can afford a car, the ofsted reports for nurseries, council tax bands, etc... This isn't a decision to be taken lightly. I have also considered DDs relationship with her father. Moving to Manchester or Leeds would not disturb the status quo too much but moving to Cornwall would. I would commit to taking her up country to see him once a month and he has close family in Somerset so I would suggest that if in between times he ever wanted me to bring her to him there I would. I would also offer holidays.

I really do just want a simple, happy comfortable life with lots of experiences and no drama.

I called my sis to tell her about the job in Cornwall (I know Cornwall very well, spend most summer hols there and also worked there for a summer season in my early 20s) and she destroyed me! She dismissed my dreams telling me I never stick at anything and I need to stay where I am and make a life here. I have no right taking DD away from her extended family. I have received all of this support since the breakdown of my marriage and taken money off my brother (I owe him £65) and I have no consideration for other people... "oh, I'm sorry did I not tell you what you wanted to here! Well, it's about time you got real!" I tried to stay calm and explain we're different people and have had different life experiences so make different life choices (she went to uni, came home, worked in her chosen field, bought a house (with DBil inheritance), got fantastic job and had a child, planning on another one - good for her) "Oh my life is so hard, no body understands me, you sound just like a teenager!" I tried to explain that wasn't what I was saying I was trying to explain why I felt the need to move on and start again.

I can't believe how angry she is at me. In my counselling sessions I explained that I worry that on the outside I seem to make rash decisions and might seem chaotic and my counselor asked me to talk her through some of my big decisions and she concluded that I do the opposite. I actually process things for a long time before reaching a conclusion. But that some people make quick decisions and that's okay because you have to do what's right for you.

The one point 'D'Sis made was that I have no savings but I've been in touch with agencies for temp work and have some things I can sell so it's possible I could raise the money to move. My initial plan was to work in my hometown for six months and then move but the job market here is depressing and I worry opportunities elsewhere are passing me by.

How do I deal with my sister? I feel crushed that she and apparently the rest of my family have such a low opinion of me. It hurts.

If I understand it correctly you live near your sister? If so is she not just angry that she thinks you're leaving her and taking her niece with you?

Otherwise I've no idea what's got her goat and she has no reason to be cross with you.

If it were me I'd choose Manchester or Leeds as I think it would be a bit unfair to take your daughter so far from her father (unless he's EA to her too), and jobs and friends are also easier to come by in cities.

Do you think your sis may be jealous? That you are effectively in a position where you can choose what you want to do, and maybe she feels a bit "stuck"?

Also, are your parents at the point of needing care - could she be worried that she'll be left with the burden of looking after them?

On the location front, I'd also agree that one of the cities might be more suited to you, because as well as the other advantages, what you said you liked about London is going to be more easily replicable in a city than in a more rural county. Also, I love Cornwall too in the summer but people who live permanently in holiday locations usually say they are a very different proposition in winter.

I would try hard not to see your sister's outburst as conveying your family's 'real' opinion of you. I take it she came back to your home town after university? She is obviously finding it difficult to understand anyone making different choices. Also, sounds like the rest of your family have been, or are, moving all over the place, so perhaps you have just been the last straw and you're copping it for the rest of them.

Perhaps she's upset but I don't understand why she felt the need or justified to attack me. She's done it before when I was back for a weekend from London because apparently I needed to grow up, I was enjoying my twenties too much. She also made a scene at my hen do in front of my friends and stormed off, ruining some of the plans my friends had organised. They were all shocked. She can be volatile but she's very cutting. It's like she just couldn't wait to tell me what a failure I am.

My parents are turning 60 this year. Both incredibly fit and able with no intention to retire or slow down. They are pretty amazing in that respect, if anything I wish they would slow down a little!!

I actually think your sis has a point. Yes, you have researched well but have you worked out the finances? You will be on your own, with a child and how many miles away from family?

If you do nursing you will have to work shifts so how will you manage childcare. How much does it cost to travel from Cornwall to her father's once a month? Presumably you would take the train or bus?

While she may have a point, and you may need to consider what you will do carefully and plan properly, she is being very unreasonable in the attack.

It sounds like it's a problem with her than about you. She could have talked with you and help you consider the pros and the cons instead of the attack.

Maybe you should give her your counsellor's contact?

Can I ask how are you affording to move? Sorry if I'm off the mark here but are you going to ask your parents for financial help to go? Because that might explain things.

It's a bit odd that she thought you were enjoying yourself too much in your 20s. And making a scene at your hen do. Perhaps she's unhappy despite her apparently settled life? Or perhaps she's insecure and competitive and needs to be centre of attention?

Eggynuff Yes, I have worked out the finances for each job and location. I would be eligible for tax credits which would cover child care and also a little bit of housing benefit if I moved to Cornwall but not the others. I have already stated that nursing isn't the right choice considering my situation.

Lweji she has mentioned in the past that she feels she would benefit from counselling but I think she's too proud to go for it. I'm quite open about the fact I am in counselling. It's helped me immensely. I think also being a single parent it is useful to talk things through. MN helps too, of course :)

Upon reflection, Cornwall is probably not the most sensible choice but I do love it there. The other two jobs pay more and I wouldn't be eligible for any housing benefit, which is a good sign!

I'm not going to ask for financial help. From what I understand the jobs wouldn't start until June so that would give me time to do any old job... I'd even do factory work for six weeks if that's what it takes to raise funds. Also I will receive back my deposit on my current house. To be honest, financing the move is the biggest challenge but not impossible.

My plan was to raise the funds then apply for jobs, I just couldn't resist an early job search!

I would love to hear your sisters side to this.

You do sound unsettled and your posts tend to wander. Maybe your sister sees it you need to settle down for your dd.

I partied and had a good time In my twenties and got told off by my family too!

Just been on another thread about projection.
It made me think of your sister. :)

Look at these two paragraphs from your OP

I have applied for nurse training and have been invited for interview but the more I weigh up the pros and cons the more I think it would not suit my current situation as a single parent. I wonder if I applied purely out of desperation.

and

I worry that on the outside I seem to make rash decisions and might seem chaotic and my counselor asked me to talk her through some of my big decisions and she concluded that I do the opposite. I actually process things for a long time before reaching a conclusion.

Can't you see the contradiction? You think you might have applied for nursing training (something that a lot of people see as a vocation) "out of desperation" but you don't really know why you did it. You now want to change your mind.

Yet may well "process things for a long time before reaching a conclusion." but you also clearly make rash decisions. ie you rashly apply for a course, get a much coveted interview place and THEN you start thinking about it.

So I can see why your DSis might say you don't stick at things.

Sorry I do wish you well and I am sorry she has been horrid but this massive contradiction really leapt out at me.

Mm... she does sound to have form for being a bit of a drama queen, doesn't she? And wtf is "enjoying your twenties too much" supposed to mean? Were you being regularly arrested or what? I can't say it seems she is really putting your interests first in this outburst, or if she is she's got a very poor way of putting things. She certainly wasn't listening to you as she was arguing all sorts of points that you weren't even trying to make.

Sometimes there just isn't an option that makes everybody happy and this is one of those times. Your sister's opinion can't be allowed to keep you stuck where you don't want to be when there are so many other considerations that need to carry more weight. Basically you have to do what is right for yourself and DD first, having done the sums properly and bearing in mind that DD's relationship with her father is likely to be adversely affected by you moving to the other end of the country (even if he was EA, that doesn't mean he can't be a good dad; you haven't implied he isn't). This pretty much rules out the Cornish option, I suppose, but you've got your eye on a few others that sound promising and I'm sure you'll be fine.

BalloonSlayer is absolutely spot on in her comments. The same contradiction jumped out at me too. Even in your last post, you say you have not raised the money to move but could not resist an early job search. Your life does sound chaotic OP, and it can be exhausting and irritating to have a Peter Pa(m) in your life, one of those giddily blithe people who never seem to take ownership of their life and constantly fall back on other people. She is probably afraid that if this plan does not work out, you will once again be relying on family.

Thanks for the replies, they're really though provoking.

I have been feeling at a loss and counselling had really helped me handle this and to work towards living the life I want to.

To be completely honest, the move to Cornwall would be selfish. It's too far from DDs father. Bringing DD up to see him once a month would mean a 6 hour journey, each way. That's a lot for a 3 year old. I've always wanted to settle there as it's just breath-takingly beautiful.

Just to clarify with the decision to apply for nursing. I have been drawn to it as a career since pregnancy. What I meant is I feel desperate to establish a career. I am now looking to getting back into what I was doing when I had DD, I enjoyed my work and was good at it. It's just not got such a clear career path mapped out as nursing (I appreciate there are many different routes in nursing). I know it's something I would enjoy and be good at but that's no reason to change.

I wonder if my sister is sick of me sounding off my ideas. Perhaps she has other stuff going on. I know she had a miscarriage some time ago... my parents told me but it was supposed to be a secret. I wish they hadn't mentioned it to me, it wasn't their right to tell me. I wonder is 'D'sis is having difficulty conceiving and that's why she was ready to vent.

Sorry if my posts are all over the place.

I would just like to say that I absolutely do take ownership of my life. I've recovered from a bad patch and now feel ready to move forward. Just not in my home town.

Sorry if i missed something in your OP but is there any reason why you couldnt wait until you were a bit more financially secure before you moved? Maybe it seems a little hurried, and your sister thinks you'll be back in no time at all because you've run out of money, having disrupted your child's life?

Hmm I am very much like you and I get the whole fresh start thing

I would be inclined to tell your sister very little and may it be a lesson to you to just do stuff and tell them later.

Do you have a job at the moment OP?

I wouldn't make it about your sister's miscarriage.

FOr a while you have to weigh up the benefits of the support you are receiving against the loss of independence. But you have a small child right now. I would definitely think things through a lot more first and then when you know with absolute certainty that your plan is not just theoretically possible, but set up in fact, then present your decisions to your family as decisions that have been made.

I re-trained my family when I was in very similar circumstances to you. I did need their support. I was grateful. But there was something about the dynamic that needed fixing.

I think that moving to Cornwall could be a mistake in your situation and very unfair on your DD's father. Cornwall is beautiful, but it is very bleak in the winter (I have family there) and jobs are few, far between and generally low-paid. As she is 3.5 you also need to begin thinking about being settled somewhere for her schooling.

However, the nearby cities sound like a good plan.

0ldF0x how did you go about training them? Did you gradually distance yourself or limit what you shared with them? This is something I am currently working on, trying to be assertive.

There is no immediate rush to move. Ideally it needs to happen before December so that I can apply for schools for DD.

I currently run my own small business but it's been a struggle since Christmas. PPs have made good points about finances and I am going to chase up the recruitment agencies on Tuesday regarding long term temp work. If I can start saving that will give me something to focus on and I'll feel closer to reaching my aspirations.

Perhaps my sis does have a point about how I would finance a move at this stage. I just wanted to sound off my ideas and instead I was attacked for wanting to move on with my life and not being realistic. It was completely uncalled for. I think the real issue for me is how my family treat me and how it's impacting my self-esteem. I assumed it all boiled down to the family dynamic but now it's come to light that I'm actually looked down upon.

I think your sister has a point, too. You are hoping everything turns out well. You have no money to move. Depending on tax credits that might be delayed processing. Not even sure if you currently have a job.

This is unsettling with a small child. If you were single and childless, it would be ok but with a child, you need more stability instead of a wish and hope.

I also think your sister has a point. I think she probably didn't deliver it in a nice way but I would be slightly alarmed were you my sister.

You seem to make quite rash decisions, announce plans and never go through with them. Your dd is young and needs to form settled attachments rather than moving on your whims. She also has the right to see her father and making that more difficult helps no one.
You have no money to move, who is going to support and help you move? You currently have no job afaik, things aren't looking great. You are being unrealistic with a lot of your plans and I imagine her saying these things will come from a point of her caring for you.

I don't think your family look down on you, I think they are genuinely worried for you. They can see you stable at the moment and don't want your dd to suffer.