'D'sis just had a massive go at me. Don't know where to go from here.

[BusyHomemaker]

Hi wise MNers. I've started a few threads recently about how I've been at a crossroads in my life for a while now. I have taken a few years out of formal employment, bringing up DD (3.5) and separated from exH 2.5 yrs ago. I've received a lot of emotional and financial help from my parents, which I am grateful for. I live in my hometown, which has been incredibly settling but I never meant to settle here. My exH had the same view and so we lived in another city until he lost his job and we moved back home before the separation (he was EA). He has since moved on and comes back once a fortnight to see DD.

I am desperate to start afresh. I have been considering all of my options and have been attending counselling once a week since December to work through the various changes I wanted to work on. I have issues with my parents as we are incredibly close but they can be controlling. This is not due to lack of love but it can be damaging all the same. My family were mainly based in Scotland, where I was born, and us in the East Midlands whilst we were growing up. They are now all over the place... as far as the US and Middle East! My brother is leaving for Australia in the summer and intends to stay away from the UK for at least 3 years.

I am desperate to move on from my home town and establish a life for myself and my DD on my own two feet. I was happiest when I lived in London for two years and I think it was because I felt independent and free to be myself, no apologies, no justifications. I absolutely can't afford to live in London so am not even looking there for work.

I have applied for nurse training and have been invited for interview but the more I weigh up the pros and cons the more I think it would not suit my current situation as a single parent. I wonder if I applied purely out of desperation.

I have been looking at the job market and there are a few jobs I think I have a decent shot of in Manchester, Leeds and Cornwall. I have carried out research for each area... where I could live, how I would travel to work until I can afford a car, the ofsted reports for nurseries, council tax bands, etc... This isn't a decision to be taken lightly. I have also considered DDs relationship with her father. Moving to Manchester or Leeds would not disturb the status quo too much but moving to Cornwall would. I would commit to taking her up country to see him once a month and he has close family in Somerset so I would suggest that if in between times he ever wanted me to bring her to him there I would. I would also offer holidays.

I really do just want a simple, happy comfortable life with lots of experiences and no drama.

I called my sis to tell her about the job in Cornwall (I know Cornwall very well, spend most summer hols there and also worked there for a summer season in my early 20s) and she destroyed me! She dismissed my dreams telling me I never stick at anything and I need to stay where I am and make a life here. I have no right taking DD away from her extended family. I have received all of this support since the breakdown of my marriage and taken money off my brother (I owe him £65) and I have no consideration for other people... "oh, I'm sorry did I not tell you what you wanted to here! Well, it's about time you got real!" I tried to stay calm and explain we're different people and have had different life experiences so make different life choices (she went to uni, came home, worked in her chosen field, bought a house (with DBil inheritance), got fantastic job and had a child, planning on another one - good for her) "Oh my life is so hard, no body understands me, you sound just like a teenager!" I tried to explain that wasn't what I was saying I was trying to explain why I felt the need to move on and start again.

I can't believe how angry she is at me. In my counselling sessions I explained that I worry that on the outside I seem to make rash decisions and might seem chaotic and my counselor asked me to talk her through some of my big decisions and she concluded that I do the opposite. I actually process things for a long time before reaching a conclusion. But that some people make quick decisions and that's okay because you have to do what's right for you.

The one point 'D'Sis made was that I have no savings but I've been in touch with agencies for temp work and have some things I can sell so it's possible I could raise the money to move. My initial plan was to work in my hometown for six months and then move but the job market here is depressing and I worry opportunities elsewhere are passing me by.

How do I deal with my sister? I feel crushed that she and apparently the rest of my family have such a low opinion of me. It hurts.

oh and OP, a friend, who won't feel compelled to fix it for you if it turns out to be a disaster, is more likely to say "go for it" than someone who knows from history you will lean on to fix it if it goes wrong. It does'nt matter to your friend if it's a disaster, it matters to your sister.

Oh dear OP. I could be your sister. The hardworking, sensible one. I have a 'flaky' sister. She's lovely and I love her dearly but sometimes she can be infuriating.

You need to get a steady job in your home town for a year or so. Do you still live at home? Move out and take responsibility for your own life. Even moving 20 mins away would be good, or perhaps start thinking about primary school catchment areas.

Please leave your sisters miscarriage out of this. I know it's hard to tell online but I agree with an earlier poster that you sound quite 'high'. Making grandiose plans without being able to accept another more sensible point of view rings alarm bells for me.

It's good you are starting to draw conclusions for yourself about some of the options eg Cornwall being unviable and not in the best interests of your DD.

Overall you sound switched on and energetic (great!) however the downside is that you have so many possibilities and ideas going round your head, this is leading to a lack of joined-up thinking that balloonSlayer mentions up thread.

I would hazard a guess that yourDSis is equally overwhelmed and also (due to having such a well planned out life herself) got irritated at you for your seeming lack of decision and organisation in her eyes. She may have listened to your plans in the past and now feels "OK fine, enough already! It's all too much, just let me know when you've made your decision rather than regale me with the detail".

Also she does have a vested interest if you move away, as you will be placing distance between her and her DN - and you as well.

In amongst that, she has had her own life issues to deal with and may have felt you were self-absorbed.

I would make your decisions and plans for yourself, balance the needs of your DD and your extended family and stick by what you plan. Involving her at this stage is not helpful to either of you. A move within a fairly close proximity will be far better, and can still be the "new start " you need.

Drastic upheaval isn't helpful in your situation, I wouldn't think....

I think I have xposted with several others

I have someone in my family and they constantly have new ideas of where they are going to go..what job they will get..for a while it's fine but then l get fed up listening and think..for goodness sake stop making more and more plans and settle on one thing. I am a fairly steady person and all that talk of different places plans does my head in.If there was a small child involved l would find it hard not to be worried. Also your parents maybe saying to her how worried they are about you and your little one and she knows how much they have needed to support you. She may be concerned that after all they've done you are still not settled and that this might lead to another burden on them later. Try just bouncing ideas off your counsellor and not family until you have definite concrete plan. I can listen to one or two plans but not the constant bouncing around. It doesn't suit my personality.

Joyful easter, I have a friend who sounds similar to yours. OP it is incredibly draining to listen to things that you know won't happen and are unrealistic. In a way it can feel like the person is 'lying' to you. I know this isn't your intention but you seem to have so many ideas, none of which you follow through. It's a bit like the boy who cried Wolf, everyone got fed up with it.

I can see your point. I am all over the place with my plans. I was serious about nursing but having worked out the finances available it no longer seems viable. Also, I would feel like I was messing DD around. I don't mean to be draining, I'm just lost. I hate being a single parent surving on tax credits because her business only makes money over Christmas. I want to work hard and make my daughter proud. I am a bit lost. The breakdown of my marriage has left me broken as a person. I have overcome so much but have some way to go on the path to recovery.

Wow. You've had a rough time on here. Quite shaming, a lot of it. As was your sister - she could have expressed exactly the same opinions without attacking.

I don't see you have 'loads' of ideas, I see you narrowing down your options by exploring each one.

There is wanderlust in your family - scattered to the 4 corners - and you're one of them! What stands out to me is Cornwall, it's where your passion is, the other ideas are just trying to be practical. Which isn't really you.

You're a 'type', op, and people who aren't your type don't get it and actually feel quite threatened by it. As you have seen. Follow your heart - the 'practical' options are confusing you and muddying the waters, they aren't 'you'. Don't share your musings with people who don't get it - most people btw - they will shoot you down and say you are being irresponsible and selfish. Which may be the case for them if they did it but it isn't for you.

I scuttled back to harbour - home town - following my divorce but had no intention of staying. But the kids got into school and that was that - your feet are set in concrete once they're at school, especially if you are a LP. Don't be like me - I'm still here.

You have a window here but it will close quickly, you don't have to have dotted all the I's to strike out, regardless what safe sorts say. You have sensibly researched your options at length, there comes a point you just have to jump. It's a risk but you're that sort and would feel stifled in a safe environment.

Yy looks like I'm projecting - or recogning something in you. Keep your plans close to your chest and share only with those who get what you're doing, where you're coming from. Don't listen to those who say Cornwall turns into a frothing beast in the winter ffs.

In hindsight I genuinely think I didn't do my kids any favours by playing it safe and sensible. I'm just not the sort and a stifled and frustrated mother wasn't good for them in the long run. I needed appropriate support to follow my heart and it wasn't forthcoming, instead i was bashed into safe ground... Which actually was deadly for me. Not their fault, they meant well, they just couldn't understand.

Your sister sounds a pita btw. NOT for 'sensible' advice but shaming and attacking you. Keep your distance from her.

Gosh you are getting a hard time, here, OP, but you sound just like me, and my life hasn't worked out too badly at all.

I loved your idea of Cornwall, but the problem would be that it IS handy to have close family near at hand when you have small children and even more so when you have older children. But Cornwall doesn't have a monopoly on scenery or whatever it is that attracts you there.

You are in a moment of flux, it is perfectly understandable that you are skipping from one idea to another, IMHO, but you will eventually find what suits you.

springydaffs I could hug you!

Thanks coyoacan I hope I find it soon.

The big joke is I hardly had any support in my home town. I did it all myself, the lot of it. I could just as well have been somewhere more suited to me as well as the kids.

I was also in my shaming family's pocket as I was on their doorstep.

Phrases like 'follow your heart' bring out the rage in 'sensible' sorts. Do your thing, op, but keep it quiet. You don't have to succeed btw.

Most people aren't saying 'Don't do it!', just saying you might need to think and plan things a little more.

If your parents and sister are suffocating and controlling, putting some distance between you and them would be a good idea (you may find yourself feeling better if you're not being criticised all the time).

But if they're suffocating and controlling and assume you can't cope on your own, I would suggest it's even more important that you plan well so you don't need to go back to them and ask for help, as that would just reinforce their views of you.

Who cares what they think? They're going to think it anyway, regardless what you do or how things turn out. They don't get you op.

Can you talk to the others who are busy exploring the four corners? But don't expect them to be right behind you, they may not be. So goin easy and see how it unfolds.

I think once your narrow down your search you'll be more focused.

Cornwall has high unemployment and high rents. You are much more liklry to match income and rent amounts in leeds or Manchester tbh. But move before school if possible. Once they are at school it's hard to move again.

"Who cares what they think?"

Well, I am sure the OP could very well "not care" if she was financially independent. But it sounds like all the support she is getting from her family includes economic support, and if this is true, then I can understand why having constantly changing plans while spending someone else's money may not be very enticing to her sister and parents. Her sister may very well be p'd off that her parents, who are still young and could be enjoying an early retirement, have to spend their hard-earned money in "supporting" a daughter who seem to come up with different fantastic ideas of how to change her life, but the change never eventuates. If she runs to Cornwall (because you know, its scenery is so beautiful, and this makes an excellent idea in itself... yes, this is sarcasm) and fails, guess where she will be getting "support" to rebuild her life again and start on the next "adventure". All this time, her sister has managed to be independent and stand on her two feet, and will not be happy seeing how much strife her sis is getting into, and how the family has to run to help her again.

OP, stop making plans and prove to your family you mean it. Whatever you do, just tell them you don't want any more money from them. And then get used to make your own life. Will you do this? Because I am sure if you follow on it, your sister and everybody else may start taking you seriously. Until then, making plans paid by other people's money tends to piss those people off.

what is your date of birth OP?

just the day and month, year is not very important...

out of curiosity.

OP I was the sister in this situation last year - it's so similar that I'm finding it quite difficult to post about it.

My sister wanted to do exactly what you want to do. I had the exact same concerns as your sister. My sister moved away with her child. And as it turns out, I was right and I was wrong. I was right because she's finding it very hard financially, she has no respite, her career prospects to be honest are non existent and our parents are under more pressure to help her out but are having to travel 3 hours to do it. I see much much less of her and I'm sad about it. On the other hand, I was wrong about other things - her child has adjusted well, she's sticking with it and she really is happier out of our home town. But are those things enough?

I know they're fine right now but I have no idea how she'll manage long term. I'll never say this to her but I wish that she'd stayed where the support was long enough to get qualified for a decent job. She was so desperate to leave that she left without a plan, qualified for nothing. I am sure she'll do something good but it'll be so much harder than it could have been.

OP for goodness sake make a long term plan that works for you and your child.

If you're feeling lost then this isn't the time to move.

It's not true that it's difficult to move once your child is in school, that's only the case once they get to 14 or so.

aurynne I am not receiving any financial support from family, other than the £65 my brother lent me, which I have arranged to pay back at the middle of the month. He is happy with this. My parents paid my deposit 2.5 years ago for the property that I rent. I am very grateful for this. I try to do what I can to help them out, although they don't like to accept help. I bought them a hamper a few months ago just to show them I appreciate them and flowers occasionally. I try to give as well as receive.

My family all work full time so child care is arranged through a nursery.

IHearyKingThistle Thank you for sharing that insight into your sisters situation. It's not my intention to become reliant on anyone for help. I'm glad her child is well adjusted.

Thank you for your replies but I'm starting to wish I hadn't posted about this!

Oh and inexperiencedchick my birthday is 19th Nov... I take it your interest is to do with astronomy?!

"I've received a lot of emotional and financial help from my parents, which I am grateful for."

This was on your original post. Suddenly it changes to "I am not receiving any financial support from family". Sorry, your story seems to change with every post.

I've received a lot of emotional and financial help from my parents, which I am grateful for.

aurynne, it is called being grateful.

A grateful soul remembers what others have done for them, not what they have done for others.

It does not mean that she is still being financially supported by her parents.

I agree I need a plan. I think it should be clear that I've been sounding off ideas. I'm staying put until my circumstances change. I don't think I've been contradicting myself. My parents gave me a gift of money 2.5yrs ago when I left my EA marriage and was homeless. I will never forget their generosity. I don't think support should come with conditions. I can appreciate that my family have seen me at rock bottom and might be concerned about things going wrong for DD and I again but what I went through isn't likely to happen again. It was bad luck.

I have a degree, management qualification and lots of work experience, including a season abroad and working in the city. I had a good job but left during mat leave as exH had a new job which required us to move and I was willing to give up everything and support his career choices. I have been running a small craft business, am on a local events committee and am fundraising by training for a marathon, in addition to raising DD... I think this all makes me employable. I don't think I've deserved the bashing on here.

My parents moved to the East Midlands from Scotland when Dsis and I were tots. They had nothing! They were living with my grandma. My dad appIied for jobs all over the country, got one and they haven't looked back! He later retrained at uni in a different career. It might seem like my aspirations are unrealistic but I've seen how well life can work out when you take a risk.

It sounds like a normal thing for someone emerging out of a difficult situation, who has managed to stay afloat and to do something to earn some money.
There are many possibilities ahead, so I don't think it is a problem to sound off ideas, consider many different options and move out.

I totally get the gratefulness, but also the need to have some physical space from your family. If they hadn't given you the deposit money you might have got a place from the council, or they would have to have you living with them. :)

I would largely ignore your sister, but would take some time to consider different options.
I don't think it's a problem to apply to different jobs and see what comes up, or consider then the conditions and if it would be good for you.