'D'sis just had a massive go at me. Don't know where to go from here.

[BusyHomemaker]

Hi wise MNers. I've started a few threads recently about how I've been at a crossroads in my life for a while now. I have taken a few years out of formal employment, bringing up DD (3.5) and separated from exH 2.5 yrs ago. I've received a lot of emotional and financial help from my parents, which I am grateful for. I live in my hometown, which has been incredibly settling but I never meant to settle here. My exH had the same view and so we lived in another city until he lost his job and we moved back home before the separation (he was EA). He has since moved on and comes back once a fortnight to see DD.

I am desperate to start afresh. I have been considering all of my options and have been attending counselling once a week since December to work through the various changes I wanted to work on. I have issues with my parents as we are incredibly close but they can be controlling. This is not due to lack of love but it can be damaging all the same. My family were mainly based in Scotland, where I was born, and us in the East Midlands whilst we were growing up. They are now all over the place... as far as the US and Middle East! My brother is leaving for Australia in the summer and intends to stay away from the UK for at least 3 years.

I am desperate to move on from my home town and establish a life for myself and my DD on my own two feet. I was happiest when I lived in London for two years and I think it was because I felt independent and free to be myself, no apologies, no justifications. I absolutely can't afford to live in London so am not even looking there for work.

I have applied for nurse training and have been invited for interview but the more I weigh up the pros and cons the more I think it would not suit my current situation as a single parent. I wonder if I applied purely out of desperation.

I have been looking at the job market and there are a few jobs I think I have a decent shot of in Manchester, Leeds and Cornwall. I have carried out research for each area... where I could live, how I would travel to work until I can afford a car, the ofsted reports for nurseries, council tax bands, etc... This isn't a decision to be taken lightly. I have also considered DDs relationship with her father. Moving to Manchester or Leeds would not disturb the status quo too much but moving to Cornwall would. I would commit to taking her up country to see him once a month and he has close family in Somerset so I would suggest that if in between times he ever wanted me to bring her to him there I would. I would also offer holidays.

I really do just want a simple, happy comfortable life with lots of experiences and no drama.

I called my sis to tell her about the job in Cornwall (I know Cornwall very well, spend most summer hols there and also worked there for a summer season in my early 20s) and she destroyed me! She dismissed my dreams telling me I never stick at anything and I need to stay where I am and make a life here. I have no right taking DD away from her extended family. I have received all of this support since the breakdown of my marriage and taken money off my brother (I owe him £65) and I have no consideration for other people... "oh, I'm sorry did I not tell you what you wanted to here! Well, it's about time you got real!" I tried to stay calm and explain we're different people and have had different life experiences so make different life choices (she went to uni, came home, worked in her chosen field, bought a house (with DBil inheritance), got fantastic job and had a child, planning on another one - good for her) "Oh my life is so hard, no body understands me, you sound just like a teenager!" I tried to explain that wasn't what I was saying I was trying to explain why I felt the need to move on and start again.

I can't believe how angry she is at me. In my counselling sessions I explained that I worry that on the outside I seem to make rash decisions and might seem chaotic and my counselor asked me to talk her through some of my big decisions and she concluded that I do the opposite. I actually process things for a long time before reaching a conclusion. But that some people make quick decisions and that's okay because you have to do what's right for you.

The one point 'D'Sis made was that I have no savings but I've been in touch with agencies for temp work and have some things I can sell so it's possible I could raise the money to move. My initial plan was to work in my hometown for six months and then move but the job market here is depressing and I worry opportunities elsewhere are passing me by.

How do I deal with my sister? I feel crushed that she and apparently the rest of my family have such a low opinion of me. It hurts.

Thanks Lwejy It's comforting that some people understand :)

I was informed at the time that the waiting list for a council house for somebody in my situation was 6 months long! My only other options were to stay with my parents or in a refuge.

My parents have helped me out financially and emotionally in the past. I am very very grateful to them but didn't realise it made me obligated to stay living nearby them for the rest of my life like some posters seem to be suggesting

It was only a couple of weeks ago you started a thread were you were dead set on starting a new life in muswell hill, you wee going to get an office job down there. The thread ran for pages and pages and pages with hundreds of posters offering their advice. At the end of that post you suddenly changed your mind and declared that you were going to start a new life in Manchester.
Now you have started ANOTHER thread, lo and behold, today it's Cornwall! And nursing! And you really cannot see why your sister is infuriated with you?! You seem to change your mind more often than the wind blows.
Flaky is putting it mildly. You need to grow up, that doesn't mean you have to stay where you are but it does mean you have to be realistic. Dragging a child to the bottom of the country where you have no family support and she will be 100s of miles from her father is selfish, it's a pipe dream. You can't do whatever you like now, you have a child to consider, you seem to think running away and starting a new life will be the answer to all your prayers but in reality it will be the start of a massive struggle. Make plans but be realistic, your child needs stability, you'll be applying for a school place this year and then dragging her along on one of your hairbrained schemes is really going to have a negative impact.

Hi textfan yes it was 30 years ago! Around the time of the 80s recession, they'd lost their hotel and all their savings. I can relate to their inclination to start again, with their young family. I do appreciate times have changed.

I am in touch with agencies and waiting to hear back re temp and permanent work. I often wonder what I could do to make my cv more attractive.

I found your feedback really constructive. If you don't mind me asking, do you have any suggestions as to other activities/responsibilities I could take on to make me more employable? I've registered my interest with the local college for free refresher courses in PowerPoint and publisher but it could 've months before such courses are next available. TIA

It was only a couple of weeks ago you started a thread were you were dead set on starting a new life in muswell hill, you wee going to get an office job down there. The thread ran for pages and pages and pages with hundreds of posters offering their advice. At the end of that post you suddenly changed your mind and declared that you were going to start a new life in Manchester.
Now you have started ANOTHER thread, lo and behold, today it's Cornwall!

Hah! :)

I really advise you against moving to Cornwall at this stage. I used to live there and found I felt really isolated from my family, who were about 4 hours away. It can be really difficult travelling out of the county at weekends, especially at holiday times.

The employment situation there is difficult, partly because loads of people would love to move there, so there is a lot of competition. Also wages are low, a lot of jobs are seasonal, rental costs are high.

I loved lots of aspects of living there, but I think it's not a good place for a lp in a difficult financial position and with family many miles away.

OP I'm not sure why you're getting such a hard time. Your weaknesses - not having a job/established career, not having childcare on tap from extended family, not loving where you are now - are strengths as they free you to choose a new place to start. I don't know if that place is Cornwall. And neither do you at this stage, it seems.

I can see that you're considering lots of different options, and that you're not in a position to move anywhere until you're more secure financially, but I can't see how you're actually flaky. Unless I've missed something, you've not actually been flitting around from place to place with your DD, from job to job etc. You're thoroughly researching different options, and discounting some ideas if they don't square up. So you considered and discounted a different career and different city. And part of that research was asking for advice on here. So what?

Being a LP is hard and lonely partly because you don't have a team-mate to discuss big decisions/dreams/flights of fancy with. I can understand why you're musing out loud here.

Very well said GoldfishCrackers

Is it just me, or are there more than the normal number of intolerant people and some out-and-out bullies on mumsnet this last week?

Why it is should be a problem for another mumsnetter that the OP has run several other ideas through forums here I do not understand.

In fact, OP, rather than flaky, you seem more like an extremely cautious person with a vivid imagination that you use to visualise your ideas with.

Goldfish, I suggest you read the post by kewtogetin just before your's.
Also if you read my post further up thread you will see there are people like me and others who aren't giving busy a hard time. I took time to read busy's first post which as a long recount of the situation with her sister and did my best to try to interpret and guess to an extent, why her sister had a go at her.

I've tried not to over invest in this thread, because it seems like Kew has said to take so many twists and turns that it is becoming frustrating.

That said, if busy did want any advice on employability skills etc then I would be only too happy to help if that's what she needs.

But in fairness, it wasn't the original intent of her OP, so please try to see it from all sides thanks. We are trying our best!

This thread has got out of hand and veered completely off course! Not really a problem but I do feel uncomfortable that some PPs have turned slightly on others. Thank you to those of you who have stated that you understand my position and why I feel the need to muse my ideas. I think I'm going to start keeping a journal to help me work through my next move, without winding others up in the process

With regards to my sister, she was totally out of order and perhaps I need to develop a very thick skin when it comes to her. I am also going to establish some distance between us. She can be volatile and cutting and as a family we enable it because we have never challenged her. Everyone, especially my parents, are scared that we'll permanently push her away if we do.

We spent Easter Monday at my parents house (apart from DB who was working.) I made an Easter cake, bought most of the veg for our roast, hung up a homemade banner and put together an Easter goodie bag for Dneice. My parents cooked, provided drink and arranged an Easter egg hunt for DD and DN. We started the day with a trip to A&E (we stayed over at my rents) as DD had a temp over 40 and rising (turned out she has an ear infection) and I found out her father had been involved in a car accident on his way over to see her - fortunately no serious injuries. (Before I get slated for involving DD in the day's activities, she perked up and had a big nap. She's v comfortable at my parents house.)

Any who, Dsis and Dbil turned up late, empty handed, no chocolate egg for my DD, they watched as DN tried to disturb my DD during her much needed nap, leaving me to intervene and they went for a walk whilst the roast was cooking and turned up late causing a delay in us eating. It made me realise... She's really not a nice person. Or, at the very least has some issues she hasn't worked through. I really need to distance myself from her, without causing upset to rest of thefamily and get on with my life in my own way.

Just needed to share.

The best way to distance yourself is not to confide in her with your musings. Just see her at family events and just make small talk.
If she slates you at any point, deflect to her. As in "why do you think you need to say that?" for example. Or look at her with a bemused look and carry on as if nothing happened.

I've gone over the thread again and I wonder if part of the problem with your sister (and with the way people, including myself), have responded is that you're 'speculating' about the future ("I could do this/ move here") but it sounds to other people as though you're saying "I'm going to do this" then coming up with a different plan/ new great idea a few weeks later, which makes you come across as flaky to others. I think the way you've done a lot of research, including looking at job opportunities, makes it seem as though you're commited to X idea when you're really just thinking about it. For example, in the moving to London thread you weren't just saying 'I'd like to relocate to London, is it practical' but had found a particular area and were almost planning where you'd get a job. Then a few weeks later is Manchester/ Leeds/ Cornwall.

Your sister does sound like a difficult person (is she older? She comes across as a bossy older sister) so I think distancing yourself and not telling her stuff she can use against you would be a good tactic, as Lweji says.

God your sister sounds horrible!

I agree with everything Springydaffs said. She is a wise person

I totally get that you are just 'musing' on this thread and nothing is set in stone. Some posters seem over the top invested in your thoughts and are slating you for just thinking things through!

I wish you well OP, in whatever or wherever you decide to go.

Your parents lent you money as you exited an abusive relationship. You are obviously grateful, but this does not mean you have to live near them or be forever in their debt! I understand that you are no longer financially dependent on them in any way, shape or form. And you owe your brother £65 - woopy fucking do. God, you're so reliant on him aren't you

Bloody hell, Busy, you feel so attacked on here you feel you have to explain about your daughter helping out

Just a thought - are you used to justifying yourself in the face of seering attack?

Glad posters are finally getting be here you're coming from.

Btw thank you Pasanda that's such a nice thing to say

I'm a creative type - as I suspect you are too, Busy - and this is how it goes with me when I am thinking about striking out with a new idea: I have LOTS of ideas and fully explore those ideas, go right down the road with them. As some of them start to look like they're hardening up into real options I draw back if one doesnt feel right (I think it's hard to explain this process) but I would not have known it wasn't right until i had seriously entertained it. Imo there is no way of knowing before it looks like it could become a reality.

Ime I end up with something quite conventional but, at the same time, quite out there in a way. I will have done my research and therefore have a much deaper understanding of what I'm doing. [Btw I don't know if I settle for 'conventional' bcs I have been historically attacked by my family and don't have the courage, or support, to have developed my ideas further?]

Ultimately, we have to pay the bills and there are many shades in between dull and mad to choose from.

Hi, sorry I've been with DD all afternoon. She's napping now. I think she's on the mend :)

Lweji I agree that's what is needed. Thank you for the tips on dealing with her in person, it was awkward yesterday but she is used to dominating the conversation when we all get together so I took a back seat during our meal.

EllieQ I see your point. As GoldfishCrackers mentioned I don't have a team mate and so I mull things over with other people but I can see how this is being perceived. I'll be much more cautious over who I share my thoughts with in future. My sister isn't older, she's in the middle. There are 3.5 years between my brother and I and she is smack bang in the middle. She's always been a difficult person but we had the same upbringing. She sets very clear boundaries but seems to over step other peoples.

Thank you pasanda I agree with springydaffs too! She's seems to totally get how I'm feeling and the situation I am in with my family. Springydaffs, I tend to work through my decisions in the same way you do. That's why I find it frustrating when I'm not listened to and talked down to by my family members. I'm training for a marathon and joked with my parents that since my last big run I've just been eating chocolate and they came down quite strongly on me telling me that they didn't think a marathon was right for me, I have to raise a lot of money for charity and that's unrealistic. It's too far for me to run. It's crushing to my confidence. Every decision I make is scrutinized and yes, I do feel the need to justify myself, pretty much every time I speak to them. They are so lovely on some levels but stifle me. My sister is becoming worse. Quite honestly, at times I still feel like a child. Since my marriage broke down I have regressed and it seems that our family dynamic has fallen back to when we were all teenagers living at home. My parents don't want it change. They keep telling me that they hate it when I move away, I have everything I'll need here, we're lucky we are such a close family and aren't distance like theirs are.... it's too much and I feel guilty for wanting to move away. I think that's why I am exploring so many different options.

Despite the harsh nature of some of the responses on this thread, it really has helped me see that I am rushing in my approach. I need to take my time, as soon as I start working establish a budget so I can save what is needed to relocate and then start looking for jobs.

Sorry for yet another essay!

As I said before, I totally support you and your last update is nice to read...

Best of luck - the journal sounds like a great idea!