'D'sis just had a massive go at me. Don't know where to go from here.

[BusyHomemaker]

Hi wise MNers. I've started a few threads recently about how I've been at a crossroads in my life for a while now. I have taken a few years out of formal employment, bringing up DD (3.5) and separated from exH 2.5 yrs ago. I've received a lot of emotional and financial help from my parents, which I am grateful for. I live in my hometown, which has been incredibly settling but I never meant to settle here. My exH had the same view and so we lived in another city until he lost his job and we moved back home before the separation (he was EA). He has since moved on and comes back once a fortnight to see DD.

I am desperate to start afresh. I have been considering all of my options and have been attending counselling once a week since December to work through the various changes I wanted to work on. I have issues with my parents as we are incredibly close but they can be controlling. This is not due to lack of love but it can be damaging all the same. My family were mainly based in Scotland, where I was born, and us in the East Midlands whilst we were growing up. They are now all over the place... as far as the US and Middle East! My brother is leaving for Australia in the summer and intends to stay away from the UK for at least 3 years.

I am desperate to move on from my home town and establish a life for myself and my DD on my own two feet. I was happiest when I lived in London for two years and I think it was because I felt independent and free to be myself, no apologies, no justifications. I absolutely can't afford to live in London so am not even looking there for work.

I have applied for nurse training and have been invited for interview but the more I weigh up the pros and cons the more I think it would not suit my current situation as a single parent. I wonder if I applied purely out of desperation.

I have been looking at the job market and there are a few jobs I think I have a decent shot of in Manchester, Leeds and Cornwall. I have carried out research for each area... where I could live, how I would travel to work until I can afford a car, the ofsted reports for nurseries, council tax bands, etc... This isn't a decision to be taken lightly. I have also considered DDs relationship with her father. Moving to Manchester or Leeds would not disturb the status quo too much but moving to Cornwall would. I would commit to taking her up country to see him once a month and he has close family in Somerset so I would suggest that if in between times he ever wanted me to bring her to him there I would. I would also offer holidays.

I really do just want a simple, happy comfortable life with lots of experiences and no drama.

I called my sis to tell her about the job in Cornwall (I know Cornwall very well, spend most summer hols there and also worked there for a summer season in my early 20s) and she destroyed me! She dismissed my dreams telling me I never stick at anything and I need to stay where I am and make a life here. I have no right taking DD away from her extended family. I have received all of this support since the breakdown of my marriage and taken money off my brother (I owe him £65) and I have no consideration for other people... "oh, I'm sorry did I not tell you what you wanted to here! Well, it's about time you got real!" I tried to stay calm and explain we're different people and have had different life experiences so make different life choices (she went to uni, came home, worked in her chosen field, bought a house (with DBil inheritance), got fantastic job and had a child, planning on another one - good for her) "Oh my life is so hard, no body understands me, you sound just like a teenager!" I tried to explain that wasn't what I was saying I was trying to explain why I felt the need to move on and start again.

I can't believe how angry she is at me. In my counselling sessions I explained that I worry that on the outside I seem to make rash decisions and might seem chaotic and my counselor asked me to talk her through some of my big decisions and she concluded that I do the opposite. I actually process things for a long time before reaching a conclusion. But that some people make quick decisions and that's okay because you have to do what's right for you.

The one point 'D'Sis made was that I have no savings but I've been in touch with agencies for temp work and have some things I can sell so it's possible I could raise the money to move. My initial plan was to work in my hometown for six months and then move but the job market here is depressing and I worry opportunities elsewhere are passing me by.

How do I deal with my sister? I feel crushed that she and apparently the rest of my family have such a low opinion of me. It hurts.

Remember that tax credits etc are due to current political policy - an incoming government could easily cut back on these, unfortunately.

I think some PP's are being a bit harsh. There is absolutely nothing wrong with starting afresh (even with a child) and it doesn't sound like you're intending to just up and leave but will sort out a job/finances etc first. It sounds like you are thinking through the logistics properly. I think maybe your sister sounds a little jealous, maybe she feels stuck in your home town? Also I have a lot of friends still in my home town and they find it completely alien that we move around and follow career opportunities rather than settling somewhere we 'know' (DD not school age yet). Maybe she just can't comprehend your decision? Still absolutely unreasonable to verbally attack you though.

I think your best option might be to stay near, but not in the pockets of, your family while you re-train and get yourself back on your feet. Then think about moving.

Oh, and don't rely on being able to talk to your family about ideas/thoughts/dreams. Find friends who can do that for you instead.

The comment about your sister being sick of you 'sounding off ideas' would make from the outside point of view that it looks like you aren't sticking at things - you are goign to do a big career change, then you're not, you're living in one city, then move home, hten want to move to manchester, then it's cornwall - a massive change, where you know noone, have no network of support and would be started again, yet again - and 6 hours from your DD's dad, so effectively limiting her relationship with him. Based on it being nice there in the summer...

Ultimately it's down to you, but I can see where your sister is coming from.

Just find somewhere within a 20/30 minute drive of your home town. Not too far to preclude an ongoing relationship between your DD and her father and not too far for you to call on your support network (your parents and your sister and her family).

Perhaps she is vaguely hacked off that you think so little of the support they've provided for you and she feels discarded. Sort of understandable.

You don't have to move far to start again.

You do sound a bit as though you don't value the love and support of your family. Nor understand your DD also has a relationship with them.

She's not logistically thinking it out. She wants to move in June. Has no money but might get a factory job for six weeks to finance move. Might, might, hope, hope.

Nothing wrong with moving and starting fresh but she's going about it the wrong way. A little more planning and saving would be better.

Apply and see if accepted into nursing course. How is she going to pay for this? Has she applied for a bursary?

Work and save at least 3 months living expenses before moving in case benefits don't kick in immediately and if she needs to pay for childcare and traveling cost to bring child back to the father. 6 months would be more ideal but time is not on her side.

Thank you gottobe I agree some PPs are being a bit harsh. I'm not going to defend my 'whims' because if you read through my responses properly you will read that I am considering the finances/schools/jobs/proximity to DDs father etc.

I didn't realise my sounding off my ideas would have such an extreme effect of Dsis but clearly it does and judging by some of the responses I've received that's to be expected. My life fell apart, I hit my rock bottom, I've picked myself up, dusted myself off and am ready to try again and make make a wonderful new life for DD and I.

I spoke with my friend earlier, who is like another family member and she was really supportive of my aspirations to seek employment elsewhere and move. She's incredibly honest and at times blunt so it was reassuring to receive her support.

I'm not going to jump into anything, nor move without funds to support myself and DD. That would be insane. What I'm doing is working a few things out and really just wanted the support of my sister. Instead I was attacked. Perhaps she is worried but I think she acted unreasonably.

If we move to Manchester or Leeds we will be closer to DDs father as he moved to Sheffield after we split. It would make absolutely no difference to their current contact arrangements.

I agree I need more time to save.

Tbh you do come across as flaky and a bit selfish.

I personally think that whilst Cornwall may not be the answer, there is nothing wrong with what you're considering - AT ALL!

Yes - there are things to sort out but you are working on that and yes, you need to stash some money first but I find it strange that people on here are saying your sister has a point - all from less than 10 posts on an Internet forum.

Your DD is young and although you do need to stay close enough for contact to be easy for her, there are lots of options open to you both.. perhaps think the way - lake district or similar?

You don't sound flighty or incapable of sticking at something - you just sound like someone who wants to start over. It is so liberating being independent and not a bad thing to teach your DD too..

I say make sure you do your research and plan properly - but go for it! Good luck

Flaky and selfish? For wanting to start afresh...

Her DD is 3 so not in school but is of an age where she makes friends at the drop of a hat.

This is a great opportunity providing that OP does take her time and doesn't just leave tomorrow..

But I think some posters on here are really sticking the boot in when none is needed

I'm wondering if the first thing to get is the new job in whichever location you choose?

You would then know how much money you would be earning, how much could be spent on renting nearby to minimise fares and so on. Job first, the rest can follow.

I can see why your sister is concerned tbh.

You seem to flit from one idea to another, but none of these 'plans' have any real substance to them.

You've applied for nurse training and got an interview, but no wait, you've changed your mind.

At the start of your thread it was all about Cornwall, but over the course of the thread, you have changed your mind.

You think you can finance a move by working for six weeks and selling a few bits. Meanwhile you have needed financial help from your parents and you owe your brother money.

You talk a lot about how you're 'desperate' to do this and 'desperate' to do that... be careful that you don't end up as one of those people always looking for the next 'change' that's going to improve their life/make them happy, meanwhile your DD is getting uprooted at your every whim and your parents are financially bailing you out.

Aren't you the poster who was dead set on moving to Muswell Hill two weeks ago, before everyone on your thread pointed out that it was completely unrealistic?

And although tax credits might meet the amount you would need for childcare, you'll be extremely fortunate to find a setting that will cover antisocial shifts.

I agree with your sister - assuming you're the same poster (and I'd be amazed if you're not as all the other facts are identical) - based on the evidence from your threads, your plans are unfeasible and chaotic.

She's probably desperate to get away from the smothering support of her family!

On another point going into their 60s my parents were both fit and well and very active.Suddenly at about 65 they got tired far more easily. In their 70s now they are still healthy but acknowledge things they never thought twice about 10 years ago are beyond them. If you are planning on moving 200 miles away do factor in that you may see less and less of them unless you travel which may not be so easy during school terms.

DH and I did something similar after university - we travelled for a few months, then stayed with his parents for about six months before moving to a city without having a job arranged or anything (looking back, I would never do it now!).

However, the big differences were:

• we had enough money saved for rental costs (deposit & first months rent) and (frugal) living costs for about a month.
• we had chosen a fairly wealthy city, which was within easy commuting distance of another, larger city, so the job market was quite big.
• it was quite near where we went to university so we had friends in the area.
• we had no dependants, so were able to take any temp jobs that came up without having to think about childcare issues.
• it was 2003, so the economy was much better than it is now.
• we had both been working before and after going travelling. I think this is a key point - you say you've been out of formal employment for the past 2.5 years, though you have been self-employed. It's not clear what qualifications you have either. I would suspect you might struggle to get a job in the current economy if you're up against someone who hasn't been out of work recently.

Personally, I think you'd be better off trying to get a job where you are now (temping or permanent), and once you've worked for a while, look at relocating.

I also think your sister has a point. You seem to be flitting between plans and ideas without thinking them through. You come across as quite sneery about people who 'settle' in their home town, yet you've done it yourself.

You've had lots of support from your parents (financially and emotionally) - could she feel she and her child have missed out because you've always needed more support from your parents as you're a single parent?

And now (from her POV) you're coming up with impractical ideas for moving ("I'll be able to get a job despite not having worked for two years, or maybe I'll retrain as something..."), and I wonder if she's seeing that your parents will be bailing you out yet again in the future, while she has done everything 'right' (university, steady job, marriage and child) yet gets ignored. Of course it's not your fault that you relationship ended, but this could be colouring her thinking.

I wonder if my sister is sick of me sounding off my ideas. Perhaps she has other stuff going on. I know she had a miscarriage some time ago... my parents told me but it was supposed to be a secret. I wish they hadn't mentioned it to me, it wasn't their right to tell me. I wonder is 'D'sis is having difficulty conceiving and that's why she was ready to vent - No, I just think she is just getting fed up with it all.

I maybe waaaaay off but your posts seem as if your running at full speed, quite high.

I have a friend who seems to lurch from one drama or life changing situation to another and it's really draining. It's really hard having to show enthusiasm one day for something they find exciting then a week later it's something else. I bumped in to her a just after Xmas and after listening to a run down of her last six months and what she ants to do in the next six months she asked me what was going on n my life and I just said "quiet".

I think posters are giving you a bit of a hard time OP. You've done really well to get out of an EA relationship. I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting to stay in your home town and wanting a little space from your family. You wouldn't be the first non-Londoner not to realise how much it costs to live in London.

Manchester and Leeds are perfectly sensible options.

I think she's getting the right amount of hard time because her friend probably is saying the same thing we are all saying. Plan a bit more and save alot more before moving.

No one is really saying that she shouldn't move but she needs to do it more practically because she has a small child and has little financial stability.

Her sister is saying alot more than us because she knows alot more than us and might be fed up with the OP's impulsive ideas and dealing with the fall out of them.

Are you aware that you need your DD's dad's agreement to move his child away? He could get a prohibited steps order to stop you moving to Cornwall etc.?

It's unclear how much you've involved him in these plans.

Manchester is a fantastic city - far more job opportunities than I imagine Cornwall would offer.

You say your parents can be controlling - could t his also be the case with your sister....

mynewpassion

Her friend, as per the OP's account, said nothing like what people have said here, and you are making a big assumption about the sister. We have no idea what's behind her sister's attitude to her potential move any more than we do about her tantrum at the hen party.

So no, I don't agree it's fair to give the OP a hard time over all this. It's perfectly possible to give tactful advice in a friendly and tactful way.

Reading just your posts, it was going to be nursing, then it wasn't. It was going to be cornwall, then manchester, then leeds. You said your councellor said you really think things through, but do you really? Why did you apply for nursing then change your mind? Why have you discussed cornwall in your OP if now you are saying that it needs to be commutable to your exP? Why are you even thinking about it still? You've not worked for a couple of years, but certain you'll be able to just walk into a job. The idea you'll just walk into a factory job now to save money - do you have childcare lined up or will the family that you are certain you don't need to rely on when you get a new job....

If you are like this with your sister then I can see why she's lost her rag with you.

Stop discussing all these big ideas, get some stuff sorted. Don't move without a job lined up, and savings already in place to pay for rent/moving costs - and pay back family.